to expect my in-laws to be more organised for forthcoming family holiday

[autumnmum]

We are going away with my in-laws and extended family (14 of us) for a week in 3 days time. We are self-catering but everytime I have tried to raise the subject of how we are going to sort out shopping for food and catering for so many people my MIL changes the subject or says we'll sort it out later. My in-laws are not horrible people but are very disorganised which I find difficult to deal with. We are staying in 3 separate cottages so it's not like we've got one huge kitchen to cook in. I have suggested to my DH that given nobody will make a decision that we take food for us and they can sort themselves out. He won't agree to this but he won't come up with an alternative plan either. It's driving me nuts. I don't want to have to go shopping for 14 people when we get there. To make matters worse my MIL won't drive and my FIL can't drive at the moment so they won't even have a car with them so I can't pack them off to the supermarket.

My MIL is very highly strung (literally lives on her nerves!) and finds cooking for more than 2 a completely stressful situation so it is very unlikely she will cook at all. It was her suggestion we all go away for her 70th and she has paid for it all which is very kind of her. We often go away with my family en mass but we put in one massive Online shop and get it delivered the day we arrive. I've told her this but she just keeps avoiding the issue.

Any (polite) suggestions?

I feel your pain. I would just shop for my own family and just let her get on with it.

I would say right I have decided we will all take stuff for breakfast in seperate cottages. We need 6 lunches so each cottage will provide 2 each same with teas if mil wants to eat out or takeaway on her nights fair enough. Therefore just shop for your share

Why don't you organise it then? Send an email saying 'i was thinking about the arrangements for food during the holiday and this is the plan i have come up with...we will buy meals for x days you for x days, another family for the remaining days. Or we can just sort ourselves out? Going shopping on for holiday food so can you let me know by then?'

I've just been through 4 days of family hols and am in a similar family situation in that mother in law won't plan anything and happily gives my kids rubbish food when my back is turned as their little secret. only way I got through it was to take a complete chill pill and if folks don't eat, or don;t eat healthy/enough/when they want etc then so be it. I was just glad that no serious cross words were said. Jam butties all round then? Good luck!

I know I'm being a bit bloody minded but I don't want to be responsible for organising them. It's a common misconception that organised people like organising others!

We live 150 miles away from the majority of the people we are going with so I can't ask them to help with the shop. I'm not fussed about MIL feeding kids rubbish ( she's their grandparent and I think that's generally what they are for :) ) and I can always shovel fruit and veg down them when she's not looking!

Their food is not your concern. I would sort out my own family's needs for the first few days. I think perhaps you should think twice before holidaying with others in future if this sort of thing stresses you out. I certainly wouldn't be worried about food before we got there. When we arrive I nip out to the nearest supermarkets for some essentials. No big deal.

How do you want to do the cooking? Do you want to all get together for dinner, or to cook separately?

I'd probably buy things for breakfast and snacks for my own cottage, and suggest that I cook on the first night - that way you can be sure of everyone being fed, and ask "So who's cooking tomorrow then?" during the meal. But if you hate the idea of cooking for 14, or you don't think it can be realistically done, then shop for your own cottage's dinner and assume that everyone else has some kind of plan, or will get hungry enough to sort themselves out when they get there. Don't assume you have to shop for 14 - that way madness lies...

I understand it must be frustrating, and YANBU in that sense, but YABU to expect them to be organised, because it can only cause you greater frustration and lead to a holiday from hell.
So, my advice would be to go with the flow. If you go by car, you can bring enough stuff for yourselves to last at least a few days, and then just decide you won't get bothered. Follow the general lead, and enjoy yourself. I'm sure nobody will starve even if the diet or the organisation is not perfect. And it's only a week!

Two words... online shopping :) Ring all protagonists, tell them you're putting in a big order with a large retailer that will get delivered on arrival and to speak up or risk going hungry. That might spur them into action.

I would have thought each cottage sorts their own food and drink tbh. If you had been sharing one cottage then I would think food and drink would be shared.

Could each household provide the food for two evening meals and two lunches? That way you each only need to get enough food to for four meals for 14 people. Tell MIL that you don't plan to do a big shop when you arrive and could she ensure she has everything with her to save driving about

Will it be just you & yours together in a cottage then?

If so, take the food you want for the meals that you want.

The others can do what they want.

She may be afraid you are expecting her to pay for it all as she has organised the cottages. Why not contact everyone else and fix a budget. Then do a big online shop to cover at least first couple of days. Just let your mil relax and enjoy the holiday. If there are enough of you she doesn't need to be involved in the catering at all.

If no-one wants to take charge then just get enough for your family in your cottage.
Don't mention it again to mil or anyone as when you get there they are more than likely to turn round and ask you where all the food is and what are they all eating, bear in mind auntie x is allergic to this and cousin b won't eat that. You will then be remembered as the one who nagged about food then let everyone else down.
Oh and hope that there are good takeaways or shops nearby

liketochat1 you have hit the nail on the head. I don't want to go on holiday with my in-laws because this stuff drives me mad. However, we haven't chosen to do this. My MIL phoned and said "we are going away to X on this date for my birthday and I have paid for it". She never asked if the dates were ok for us or if we wanted to go. The fact she paid for it was enough for her to expect everyone to come. Oh and before you ask - this is not the first time she has done this. Five years ago I spent the most miserable holiday in a cottage in Ireland after being told "we are going to Ireland on X date - I've paid for it ".

I am trying to go with the flow, but it's the fact I want to take food for us and my DH keeps saying no, let's see what everybody else does (indecision is genetic).

Well you can take food & surprisingly, if it doesn´t get used you can bring it back!!

Then your problem is your DH. So leave him out of it. Take food for you and DC, and that's it!

Agree with Catus.

I cannot bear waiting to see what other people do about a situation. Whatever for? It's a recipe for chaos and hunger and cad temper!

Just shop for you and your dcs.

If anybody says anything, just shrug and say you'd tried to sort it out but nobody seemed interested. You are happy to help whenever anybody needs help though.

At least you know you've sorted out your dcs.

And your DH doesn't have to agree or disagree. You can bring the food you want on holiday, I would assume. If it's not needed, it's no big deal. If it is needed, it gets used. End of story.

If you want to take food then there's nothing stopping you. You aren't obliged to do what your husband wants at all times you know!

I'm one of life's laid back people that would prefer to worry about these thing when we get there too. Believe me, us laid back people find you organised people just as annoying as you find us. I don't want to have to plan everything to within an inch of its life before it happens.

If your MIL is like me, you will be irritating her as much as she is irritating you, and neither of you are right or wrong, just different. It's not like you are all going to starve if you don't plan everything.

Just take enough so that you and your dc's aren't hungry when you get there, and sort it out later.

I see autumn mum. Nightmare! I hope you are able to make it clear that you don't want any more shared holidays put upon you.
Try not to worry about the food. I don't know what any of us are eating for dinner today yet. But we always do eat. Some people just don't plan too much in advance.
I hope you are able to enjoy the time away. Good luck!

Thanks for all the advice! I am aware I must sound like a control freak who does what her DH says. Couldn't be further from the truth. I have no idea what we are having for dinner tonight either. DH has irritated the hell out of me because he won't make a decision (plus he's currently out of the country for work leaving me to sort this sorry mess out). If my MIL was just laid back that would be fine, she wouldn't care what I did. Trouble is she is stressed to the max 24/7 and this manifests itself in her unable to make decisions about anything. people then make decisions around her but then she is never 100% happy. For example we drove a 300 mile round trip on a week night (with the kids) to suprise her for her birthday because no one else in the family had thought to do anything for her. Her response - oh aren't you staying the night? Whatever I do it won't be quite right.

If anyone has any ideas about how I can politely imply that we NEVER do this again please let me know.

We just came back from a week long holiday with my parents. We rent a cottage by the lake which is actually three small cottages with kitchens so we'd each have our own. Meals were a nightmare; Mum gets really anxious about food plans and I tend to be a little more relaxed. She doesn't snack ever so likes to have her meals delivered at Old People O'Clock 5:30 precisely whereas we are grazers (three children under 10) and like to swim and be active until the sun goes down then enjoy a glass of wine, nibbles before dinner. I think the best thing to do is take it in turns to provide dinners (and perhaps plan to go out to a local restaurant for one or two nights) and then take care of your own families for breakfast, lunch and snacks. You could all go shopping together but each get a separate trolley to fill with your own items.

Good Luck . May the force be with you

I would just phone her up and say you don't like leaving things to the last minute, so you have decided that you will sort out the food for your family (yourself, DH, DCs) and leave everyone else to do their own thing. Maybe email others to let them know what you are doing.

With luck, this will also give them the hint that you don't want to do this again.