to be worried about leaving DS with my mum when i go back to work

[lola88]

I'm back to work in 3 months and my mum has very kindly offered to have DS the 2 days i work it's a great offer and saves me a small fortune in child care plus i like the idea of DS being with family until he's a little older but i'm slightly worried how i can ensure she's not doing things i don't agree with.

The main things are not putting DS down for a nap he gets very over tired and has to be put in his buggy to sleep if not he will not fall asleep on his own just get more and more tired til he's screaming my mums always saying he'll sleep when he's ready but once he's screaming says he needs a sleep. I don't like to leave him until that point.

He is lactose intolerant and i only want him fed what i send she says she's capible of deciding what he can eat but she came in the other day with banana custard pots for him obviously custard is a huge no no. Her reason for thinking they are ok is i buy him the same ones in apple and oats flavour. So i'd worry she won't read the label and just assume it's ok so many things contain milk you wouldn't think of.

She's really bad for giving DN treats a lot and will sneak DS some i have 2 problems with this 1 he's a baby so doesn't need a taste of ice cream or chocolate 2 both have dairy in them so he shouldn't get them anyway.

So wibu to insist on these things when she's doing me such a huge favour? I feel like i can't make demands on her but at the same time these things are a big deal and the only things i would insist on.

I'd be sending him to nursery if you don't feel you can trust your Mum.

You need to find alternate childcare. A CM will be able to accomodate the needs your child has and it wont be awkward to expect it and ask it of them.

You really need alternative childcare. This isn't going to work at all, going back to work is hard enough without having the stress of worrying how your DS is doing with your Mum.

Are you being unreasonable to expect her not to poison your child? Lets be frank, giving dairy to a lactose intolerant individual is dangerous. Unless she can restore your confidence that she will not feed him anything you haven't approved then you mustn't leave him with her.

You can make demands if it's about his health. You can demand car seats are used, that sunscreen is applied etc. The stuff you can't demand is whether they go to the park or the zoo!

This won't work will it? Find proper childcare.

Speak to her about the dairy and explain firmly what he can and can't have.

I'd leave the naps up to her on the days she has him though.

If it doesn't work out, then find a CM.

Send him to a childminder.

There's a lot of threads like this at the moment.
Definitely use a nursery or childminder- that way you can ensure things are done the way you want. It's clear that your mum has very different ideas, and as she's doing it as a favour then she won't understand the importance of following your wishes.

Childcare IS a big expense, no denying it, but it's only a temporary thing as your child will be entitled to some free hours in a couple of years, and as you only work 2 days this will probably cover all your expense. So look on it as a long term investment. I also think when it comes to your child's well being, what price can you put on it? You'll feel far better knowing he's looked after properly even if it takes all your wages for the moment .

When you go back to work after having a baby, you have to accept that no matter what childcare you choose for your child, no one will do it the same as you.

Unless you pay for a nanny to come to your come, you just have to accept that your baby will have to fit in with other people.

You have to insist about the food, or make it easier for her to know what food she can and can't give him. I don't suppose she is actively trying to give him things that will make him ill, she just doesn't understand the whole thing yet.

But apart from that, I think you can advise what you think suits your ds best, and then you have to leave her to it.

This isnt going to work, shes going to do things her way, regardless of what you say.

A nursery or childminder won't always do things the way you want. They have more than one child to look after. You have to weigh up the positives and negatives of each type of care, and decide which is most important to you.

She is great with him love him to bits and he loves her too she's just a bit absent minded and dizzy at times like the banana custard i said he can't have it she was totally fine and said she will remember it in future i guess i'm just not that comfortable demanding things of my mum it goes against years of mum knows best.

I suppose with the naps i could leave her to it a few days of crying and she might get what i mean.

Getting other childcare is really going to hurt us financially we are just about making it as it is paying or childcare might start us sinking so if i can avoid it it would be great. I just don't know how to go about laying down the law without sounding like an ungreatful cow.

I'd say the sleeping thing you need to let her work it out with him, he will probably have some sad/tired days but they will work it out in the end, she has after all been a mum herself.

As for the food maybe she needs a little more education about hidden lactose (not that it's relaly hidden in custard) could you send lunch + snacks with him everyday to make sure she doesn't need to make bad food choices for him?

And I wouldn't use a cm, it will be lovely for him in the long run to have such a strong bond with his grandma.

Some mums listen and do what their kids ask of them in this regard. Some decide they know best and will override their kids either blatantly or sneakily. I'm not sure you can Type B to change into Type B, however emphatic you are. So unless you're prepared to take the risk of him being ill and exhausted on those two days, then you need to pay for professional childcare. Whilst I agree with Outraged that a nursery/CM won't always be up to scratch, you are the client and can address issues in a way that won't be clouded with emotion. With your mum, it's likely to be very awkward. Although perhaps if she thought you were going to go with a CM/nursery instead, she might wake up to the importance of these issues and start toeing the line?

Type B into Type A, sorry.

I did say i will send all his food so she knows everything she gives him in ok plus i don't think it's fair for her to be paying for his food.

It's very hard to get your head around what he can and can't have an all to easy to forget yourself. He's starting to get some milk from next week when he's 6 months but i need to start with tiny amounts and build it up so will be even harder for anyone else to know how much will be ok.

It does cost in the beginning! But sub standard care and all the worry? Childcare would be worth every penny

What would you do if your mum moved away/ got sick/ got other commitments? It's a sensible question to ask yourself, because you'll then realise there are alternatives- there would have to be. It might involve cutting back, taking a mortgage holiday, or even considering taking out a loan for the couple of years that your childcare bill will be high. Ok, they aren't as financially attractive as having a freebie, but the point is, you would find a way.

If you think you can reach a point where you're confident about the care she's giving, then fair enough, but your OP sounded fraught with difficulties, and you won't relax at work if you're worried your ds isn't sleeping or eating well. IME good childcare is worth it's weight in gold- you need to confidently go to work knowing your child is not only happy but being cared for well.

And btw I don't doubt she loves him at all- of course she does, but that doesn't automatically mean she'll do things as you want

Does your mum fuller appreciate the lactose intolerance and the consequences of feeding DS with the "wrong" food.

I would sit down with her and discuss fully what foods he can and can't have. Perhaps write a list of foods he can have including treats.

Why don't you sit your Mum down and have a chat, forget about the naps and concentrate on the important dietary issues. Don't be accusatory or confrontational and tell her you are more than happy to send all his food with him so she doesn't have to worry about it.

Then suggest you have a trial of say 3 months, after which you'll have another chat and see if it is working out for everyone.

After all if you can't have a frank and reasonable discussion about these issues now then things will only get worse once she starts looking after him.

any good nursery will fit round a baby's own routine rather than try to impose one, they will listen about the sleep issues and find ways to get your DS off to sleep. It's not going ot work with your mum looking after DS all day - however, to reduce the costs, could you do half day in nursery and then your mum picking him up for the afternoons? That way his breakfast and lunch will be at nursery, she just needs to sort dinner, it will be cheaper for you and if its a nursery that's walking distance from your mum's house, she would be forced to push DS in a buggy home, hopefully getting him to sleep in the buggy each day...

The nap thing she'll work out for herself, since she's the one who has to deal with the consequences of letting him get overtired.

The food thing - you need to sit her down and explain the consequences to his health of having a little bit of milk. She's probably thinking you're being overprotective, and "a little bit won't hurt". You need to explain very clearly what happens to him if he has a little bit of milk. And then you need to write a list of all the things to look for on ingredients labels.

And then you need to work out how you're going to manage if she doesn't listen, and you have to use daycare.

thank you for your replies it's so much easier to see things clearly once i've got it out, i think i've been overthinking it i see a lot of threads saying you can't make demands of people doing child care for free i was worried i shouldn't be

I have 3 months do sort things out so i think i will have a chat with her about his food i have a great relationship with my mum so i'm sure we can work it out if not i can always change to a child minder. I don't want to be bossy or hurt her feelings but i guess being firm is needed. I'll leave her to sort naps herself a few days of screaming the house down and she'll change her tune.

She takes care of my niece and was a childminder when i was younger so i know she will be great with him, she is always doing fun and imaginative activities and games with DN and i would love for DS to have the same wonderfull experiences so i want to give it a go not to mention the money.

It sounds as though your Mum is just a bit scatty rather than is deliberately flouting your wishes (apart from the structured naps) which is what I have seen elsewhere. I'd agree with honeytea, I grew up with my grandmother in the house and remember her v fondly and I think it is something quite precious to have family that you can rely on in this way, not just you but for your child to have another parent figure.
Firstly, regardless of her prior experience, we all get out of practise quickly so I wouldn't be shy about explicitly writing down his current routines, what you leave the house with (DH recently caught my MIL leaving to go to the park for 2/3 hrs without water, snacks and a changing bag for DD.......... er WTF?), and his diet plan. You don't say how old DS is but for two days a week, I would simply provide his food, his dairy substitutes (soya milk for cereal etc) and his snacks. Your mum will soon get into a routine and presumably flouting it will give him some horrid nappies/upset stomach and she'll learn the hard way. It will be a little tough on your child if there is an incident but she is far more likely to not forgive herself easily if he is quite ill as a result. If you provide plenty of variety on those two days then over time she'll see what he generally eats and doesn't, so you can rely on her more if you want a weekend away or you are ill etc.
I really do think it is worth having a go, but you should also sit down with your Mum and gently say that it is worth doing as a trial period so that you both have an opportunity to say if it's not working out for you. She might be exhausted after 3 months of it! You might also want to caveat accepting her offer with saying that you would like to send him to nursery when he is older so that she knows it is always the plan.