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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

exfriend and my lg

30 replies

lauraandeve · 26/07/2012 09:48

Not sure that this is the right place for this post but I am a bit unsure where to post. I apologise in advance if this gets a bit rambling but its been in my head for 18mths now and think I need a bit of advice! Up until 18mths ago I was very close friends with a lady, we had been friends since I was 16 and I had supported her emotionally all the time we were friends (DH problems, DS1 AS problems etc). Anyway my lg (4 now) loved her and used to call her Aunty and when I had my second lg she looked after dd1 whilst my husband and I were at the hospital. Two years ago we lost a family member to bowel cancer and it was suggested that my mother went to see a genetic councellor to find out the risks to the rest of the family. My friend thought this was stupid and was more bothered about how stupid we were than supporting me through my huge amount of grief at loosing one of my few family members. Anyway when my mum had to go for the results my friend asked me to take her shopping, I said I would but after I had had the results as I was concerned for my mum and children. To cut a long story short she had a paddy, said I was selfish to consider yearly checks for bowel cancer as it would upset my DC's. At this point I decided that enough was enough and have not spoken to her since. This is not a problem for me I am loving not having to deal with her dramas every day and not treading on egg shells around her but my DD1 doesn't understand why she can't see her anymore. I have explained that this lady doesn't like mummy anymore but that it is nothing that she (dd1) has done and that sadly we can't see her anymore. 18mths later she is still desperate to see my XF and I don't know what to do. I keep explaining gently that sometimes adults just don't get on anymore but she won't accept it. Any advice as to what I could do to help her would be gratefully recieved!

OP posts:

FutTheShuckUp · 26/07/2012 09:50

Lg? An electrical appliance???

FaintingGoat · 26/07/2012 09:53

Lg - little girl?

Callisto · 26/07/2012 09:54

How old is your DD? And wtf is an lg?

Paiviaso · 26/07/2012 09:55

Lg = little girl maybe?

Well, if you're never going to see the friend in question, then you just have to keep explaining gently that you aren't friends anymore. What else can you do? (Why does DD want to see her so much?)

lastnerve · 26/07/2012 09:56

little girl, I think

worrywortisworrying · 26/07/2012 09:57

Little girl? I am guessing.

I think it's a little bit unfair to say that your friend doesn't like you as it sounds (and I may be wrong about this) you fell out with her because you didn't like what she was saying (and this is one argument I can see both sides of... My maternal family have a history of BC. My sister has regular tests. I don't)

Do you still have mutual friends? If your DD is 4 now, she was approx. 2.5 when she last saw your friend.... That's quite a memory.

WHy not bury the hatchet? She was a good friend beforehand. You disagreed on something. You could be good friends again.

(Just one opinion)

ivykaty44 · 26/07/2012 09:57

Not sure that this is the right place for this post but I am a bit unsure where to post.

I apologise in advance if this gets a bit rambling but its been in my head for 18mths now and think I need a bit of advice! Up until 18mths ago I was very close friends with a lady, we had been friends since I was 16 and I had supported her emotionally all the time we were friends (DH problems, DS1 AS problems etc).

Anyway my dd (4 now) loved her and used to call her Aunty and when I had my second dd2 she looked after dd1 whilst my husband and I were at the hospital.

Two years ago we lost a family member to bowel cancer and it was suggested that my mother went to see a genetic councellor to find out the risks to the rest of the family. My friend thought this was stupid and was more bothered about how stupid we were than supporting me through my huge amount of grief at loosing one of my few family members. Anyway when my mum had to go for the results my friend asked me to take her shopping, I said I would but after I had had the results as I was concerned for my mum and children.

To cut a long story short she had a paddy, said I was selfish to consider yearly checks for bowel cancer as it would upset my DC's. At this point I decided that enough was enough and have not spoken to her since.

This is not a problem for me I am loving not having to deal with her dramas every day and not treading on egg shells around her but my DD1 doesn't understand why she can't see her anymore. I have explained that this lady doesn't like mummy anymore but that it is nothing that she (dd1) has done and that sadly we can't see her anymore.

18mths later she is still desperate to see my XF and I don't know what to do. I keep explaining gently that sometimes adults just don't get on anymore but she won't accept it. Any advice as to what I could do to help her would be gratefully recieved!

FaintingGoat · 26/07/2012 10:01

What is the point of your post, Ivy? Is this the internet equivalent of going through a post with a red pen, circling mistakes?

FaintingGoat · 26/07/2012 10:03

Anyway, to answer the original post, have tyou heard from this friend at all in the last 18 months? If not, it suggests that the friendship was a bit one-sided, and maybe the friend is not bothered about seeing you any more?

If she has been in touch, I'd say meet up, clear the air - you can either ignore the issue you fell out over, or discuss it and explain how it made you feel, but also explain that you and DD miss her company.

Original poster

lauraandeve · 26/07/2012 10:08

Thanks for that Ivy, it has taken me 18mths to mention this to anyone and I get an English lesson! I am sorry to have bothered but hopefully you have had a good laugh at me not quite getting all the mumsnet short cuts for words.
I said that my friend didn't like me anymore because I didn't want to make my little girl think that I didn't like my friend anymore so tried to make myself the bad party rather than the other person involved.

OP posts:

Debs75 · 26/07/2012 10:08

Who made Ivy teacher?

OP I would just tell dd1 that you aren't friends with xf anymore. Does she live nearby? If so that could be why she is still wanting to see her.
People fall out all the time and your dd1 will get used to not seeing/talking to her

ivykaty44 · 26/07/2012 10:12

well everyone seemed to have a problem and I was trying to help - am crap at spelling and grammer myself and not aiming to be teacher.

Op hopefully someone can help and hope I haven't upset you, sorry.

Original poster

lauraandeve · 26/07/2012 10:13

Fainting Goat I don't want to meet her or make up with her as I am a lot happier without having to deal with all her problems without getting any support on the rare occasions that I needed it. I just wondered if there was a better way to explain it to my little girl. We don't have a big family and she only has one "real" uncle in the area which I think may be the reason that she liked this friend so much.

OP posts:

Callisto · 26/07/2012 10:13

I think that honesty is always the best policy with children. Can you not just explain that your ex-friend upset you when you were already feeling sad and that you just don't want to see her anymore? Also, be honest with yourself - you don't want your DD to see you as the bad person because you feel guilty still, even though from what you've said, your ex-friend was a pita and totally insensitive.

Original poster

lauraandeve · 26/07/2012 10:18

Thanks Callisto I think I will have to explain in a bit more depth than just "we don't get on anymore".
I was trying not to say to much as I wasn't sure that a 4 year old would understand.

OP posts:

PedanticPanda · 26/07/2012 10:20

I think now is a good time to explain how sometimes not everyone gets along and people fall out. Tell her that you'll meet lots of new people throughout life, some you'll make friends with and some you won't. It might help to soften the blow when she has her first fallout with her bff?

I read your thread title and op as Ig = Iguana and was really confused about it saying aunty, until I read the replies :o

Original poster

lauraandeve · 26/07/2012 10:21

Ivy you did upset me a little as I typed my original post very quickly and posted it before I had a chance to change my mind about asking. To be honest I wish I hadn't asked now - I am aware that I have a problem with spelling and grammar but I didn't expect to get it thrown in my face. It is not something that I can help sadly.

OP posts:

PedanticPanda · 26/07/2012 10:22

She must have a great memory though if she last seen her when she was only 2 and a half, my ds is 5 and would forget someone after a few months!

Original poster

lauraandeve · 26/07/2012 10:28

She does have a great memory for the things you want her to forget but a shocking memory for things that happened last week

OP posts:

gatheringlilac · 26/07/2012 10:31

lauraandeve - sometimes posters will re-write a post if they think that the way it's presented is inhibiting other posters from responding, or responding positively. It's intended as a good-natured act. Honestly. Please don't take it as criticism, I'm utterly certain it wasn't meant as such. I think rather that ivykaty has been here a while, and knows that AIBU can be ... bouncy ... and posters might focus on the presentation rather than the issue.

But I'm sure ivykaty doesn't need me to say that. I'm only saying it because you seem upset, and clearly could do without feeling upset.

Wrt your daughter: I think children quite like it when parents tell them stuff that is actually about the mysteries of being a grown-up, especially if it reveals that grown-ups are quite similar to them.

So, I'd talk about how sometimes you can be friends with someone but the friendship doesn't make you happy, so you stop being friends. And it's sad but ... it happens.

I think I'm more puzzled by why your daughter is still so emotionally involved in your ex-friend. That is an unusually strong memory. As a rule, little ones lose quite a lot of their toddler memories.

As for your friend, I think if you are happier without her in your life, I'd drop the guilt and embrace how good it feels not to have a relationship with this other person.

ratspeaker · 26/07/2012 10:39

Ivy was being helpful putting the Ops post in paragraphs and explaining that lg meant DD as used on this board as the first few posters seemed not to know the abreviations. many people find it hard to read posts where sentences run together
I'm sure she didnt mean to upset you OP, it's been a common thing on this board for people to ask for a post to be broken up so they can deal with it

Now I have to ask if someone is reminding your daughter of this friend? It seems a long time for someone so young to keep asking

I'd be truthful to your daughter and say we don't see X anymore, we fell out.

To be honest it sounds as though ex friend helped you when it suited her, when she'd get praise and thanks for it, e.g. when you were in hospital but was unable to understand you might need emotional support when awaiting test results within the family.
A true friend would have listened and not thrown a strop when you couldn't take her shopping, they would have understood even if they didn't agree with getting the tests done.

FaintingGoat · 26/07/2012 10:42

Ah, ok, sorry, I thought you were unsure what to do about the friendship.

In that case, I second what PedanticPanda said.

I'm sorry you had such rubbish support during a difficult time for you, it's horrid when you realise that someone is not the friend you thought they were.

Original poster

lauraandeve · 26/07/2012 10:47

I realise I was being rather over sensitive about my spelling and grammar which is my problem and not anyone elses and for that I apologise.

We don't see anyone who is connected to my exfriend and I am certain that no-one is reminding my daughter of her I think she is just one of those children who attach to something and stick with it!

Rat you have hit the nail on the head about my friends attitude - on the odd occasion that I did ask for help I was always made to feel guilty about it and it was mentioned all the time so I was always thanking her for things months after they had happened.

I shall have a good sit down chat with my daughter and explain to her as much as I can why she won't being seeing this lady again.

Again sorry for being over sensitive I am not normally like that. I think it was just having kept it bottled up for so long it made me feel unsure and uneasy mentioning it.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/07/2012 11:01

I'm also struck by your daughter actually remembering this woman (she wasn't really your friend, just a leech) given that she last saw her when she was two and a half. Are you absolutely sure she's not being reminded in some way? Someone at nursery? Photographs somewhere? A present from her that she still has? Something she comes into contact which she connects to this woman, (e.g. a swing in the park that the woman pushed her on?). Clutching at straws I know, but I feel there must be something for the memory to persist.

anniewoo · 26/07/2012 11:05

Has your dd ever had a 'falling out ' with one of her friends? If so take it from there and add that your row was a bit more serious and sje made you feel sad and you want friends that make you feel happy

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