to be furious with dh and his social life plans - sorry this is quite long

[Itchyandscratchy]

OK I'd ask if you could be gentle with me about this but I really need to see if IABU.

Firstly, I should say that I have had a very difficult year and I am aware that my emotions are much nearer to the surface these days and I am very tired (mentally). My dad died a year ago from a disease similar to MND and it was a horrible 18 months before he died. My mum died when we were young and my brother lives abroad and doesn't come home very often. I've dealt with the probate and I'm selling dad's house.

My job is brilliant but very full on (I'm a teacher/adviser with quite a lot of responsibility). And my best friend who I've known 32 years emigrated to Aus last month.

So that's that...

Dh and I have been married 12 years and we have 2 dcs. We are generally very happy and dh pulls his weight at home with housework and childcare. His hobbies are golf (but he only plays on his day off, not at weekends) and socialising with his group of close mates. He has also joined the working men's club and plays snooker once a week in the winter and he's on the committee (evening meetings once every 6 weeks). With his mates he goes out roughly once or twice a fortnight and they have beers and curries. Once a month they also have 'film club' and they take it in turn to host a night with dvds and food.

In term time I work most evenings and so I can't blame him for going out in the week and this has been fine as he'll put the kids to bed before he goes out etc.

But he and his mates also loves gigging and they arrange a gig probably very 4-6 weeks which could be a local comedy or music gig but also now includes the odd overnighter.

I have found since dad died that I am needing more support and I am constantly tired. My brain doesn't work as well as it did (memory, making decisions) and I have asked dh to try to show more intiative - sorting kids' bags for school, paying for music lessons, dinner money. Most of the time he remembers and has helped, but not always - it just doesn't occur to him.

This holiday dh had a weekend away at the golf Open and then has been working all week so it's just been me and the kids. He's on call this weekend and will be working. He's arranged to play golf on his day off on Tuesday (he doesn't seem to have thought-through the fact that we're all not at school and we haven't seen him). He's arranged a big night out next Friday with his mates then he has 2 weeks off. We're away for one week. The weekend after this I arranged to see friends we haven't seen for a good while for a BBQ. Dh now tells me he's arranged to go away that day on a festival gig and stay the night there for the bank holiday. What about our bank holiday?

It's like I used to be able to cope with the fact we socialised apart a lot of the time (I guess that's the same with a lot of couples with kids) but I'm feeling very alone these days. Losing dad and selling my childhood home have been awful and feel like my roots are gone. I keep seeing photos of my parents looking young and happy, holding me as a baby and feeling so sad that they're both gone now. I feel angry and resentful that dh has absolutely no concept of how I feel, even though I've tried to explain. He's very factual and straightforward; he kind of deals with things in compartments and can't appreciate that me feeling lonely is all to do with the grieving process. He thinks I'm being precious/unreasonable about him being out so much.

I feel like I need some (without sounding like a wanker) 'me' time, but the person getting the 'me' time is him! He would say that it's fine for me to go away anytime I like with my mates - but they're all mums who only make a break from it with much planning and forward-thinking! My dcs are brilliant company and I love spending time with them but I do need a break. I'm starting to feel very detatched from dh and actually quite numb. I am really angry about this latest away-day and it makes me want to completely switch off from him.

Sorry this is long. I constantly have a headache at the moment and I just want to cry/run away but still be with my kids

Date night - yes he'd be keen on that. But maybe in addition to the other stuff he does. I just can't see him swapping one for another. I'm desperately trying not to defend him here as I feel so low, but term-time week nights are not really good either for me socialising or both of us going out. I'm usually doing school work or knackered, and his parents can't do weeknights babysitting.

But we should definitely do more Saturday nights when possible.
He says he would love it if I came to gigs with him, but I don't really like gigs!
This sounds like a list of excuses, but I guess all it means is that it's complicated. I do meet with some friends on the odd Saturday for a day shopping, which I love. But again, that can't be a very regular thing as they both have families too.

Dh has just come in (it's his day off). He's asked his mum to have the kids Saturday night so we can have a meal out (the one we didn't have for my birthday in June), which is a start. Good.

But can't help the feeling this is a sticking plaster over a wound. Melodramatic probably. But I do feel wounded by all that's happened. I really can't see him curtailing the social things he does, even temporarily.

Thank you so much for all your kind and considered responses too. They have helped enormously.

See, it strikes me that taking you out for dinner on Sat, is him trying to make amends, is it not? And you're being negative about it already, iyswim. Can you at least give him a chance to change his behaviour?

Fwiw, I would be like you... it's only because I'm not in it that I can advise you!

But can't help the feeling this is a sticking plaster over a wound. Melodramatic probably. But I do feel wounded by all that's happened. I really can't see him curtailing the social things he does, even temporarily.

oh Itchy, take Serendipitous's advice on this point, try and look at it as him taking the first step towards providing you with more support. I should add that like her I can only make this point because I've been there.

Also I meant to add to my last post, I agree with others who advised that it may be worth a trip to your GP to see if there is any support they can provide in terms of counselling, or perhaps get back in touch with the grief counseller you spoke to previously.

OP, my DH is a bit (a lot) like this.

I learned that the only way to get time to myself (to replenish the stockpot) is to book a day away, write in the diary (a family diary is a must), and go. (I go to London on my won for the day, am not a big shopper but love visiting a museum and sitting in a quiet caf with a book...so lovely. or I visit an old friend for the day, or I go to the local pool on my own, and book a beauty treatment)

If I don't write it in the diary (ie Chandon out between 12-5pm) it gets over written by DH sport activities.

Same with bank holiday weekends. DH loves going out for a few days to do his sport. Well, that sucks for me!!! So I now talk to him and we book, plan a weekend away (sometimes just to family), again, WRITE it in the diary.

I also ask him to write down any commitments (sport, gigs, mates) in the diary. It really helps to see written down how much each gets to spend on their own.

I have also had tearful chats about how I wish he would WANT to spend time with the family, rather than em having to negotiate it. And how he likes to spend 2 hrs playing with the kids, and then buggers off for the rest of the day.

But most effective have been the diary, and me booking days off for myself. If i am at home, i am just assumed to do the catering etc. So even though I would be quite happy to have a quiet day at home, the only way to get some time to myself is to LEAVE.

I come back smiling. DH obviously does not begrudge me my days out. As he does them to.

Well of course he'd like it if you came to gigs with him. But that's not him giving anything up, is it? And does he not know you don't particularly like gigs?

You say you can't see him swapping any of his nights out for a date night. Says it all, really. And this, even though you are so (understandably) fragile at the moment, and he is your husband, and you have children together. He should be looking out for you before all others.

Sorry if that sounds angry. I have recently gone through v similar life experiences to you, with my mother, and still remember it all vividly. Dealing with illness/death/probate/selling your parent's house is NOT to be underestimated. It's just one thing after another, all stressful and all painful.
I am sorry you are having to go through all this.

Does he have any inkling of how lucky he is that you and the children are still there when he gets home? Let's face it, how different would your life be in he was raptured/kidnapped by aliens tonight? I bet you wouldn't even notice for all practical purposes - if you threw him out, and he just sent money every month, you could pay a babysitter and have time to yourself, and benefit from that time. Maybe it's time to point this out to him. You deserve some consideration, even if everything in your life was rosy, you would still deserve some consideration, over and above what his friends seem to get.

Yes he is certainly making amends, I can totally see that and I appreciate it; I've told him so and i'm looking forward to it.

He's done this kind of thing before though, then it slips back to 'normal'. He's a stubborn bugger and can be very defensive of his 'me' time. But he's said he'd like to have the time to talk on Saturday so that might bear some fruit. I know he loves me very much and he will be worried about how I am, so again, that's a huge positive.

The big realisation for me by writing this and reading your replies has been a realisation of the commitments his friends have compared to him. Literally, the only friend who is married & has kids and who organises even more for himself to do than dh suffers from depression, has OCD tendencies and I would imagine is very hard to live with. All the others are single or if not, they just don't do as much.

Dh was at pains to point out to me last night just how many invitations he turns down as he thinks it might be seen as taking the piss - and for this I should be eternally grateful, apparently! My argument here is that he is putting a level of guilt on me for not being more appreciative, when really, he should be thinking about my needs and those of the kids more (esp right now).

But yes, I'm pleased about the meal.

Dh has just come in (it's his day off). He's asked his mum to have the kids Saturday night so we can have a meal out (the one we didn't have for my birthday in June), which is a start. Good.

Focusing on the positive, this is a step in the right direction. The two of you can have a nice evening on Saturday and use it to plan other date nights and /or a night away together over the coming weeks.

Once these dates are on the calendar, it will give you something to look forward to as a couple and you will have a physically record of doing more things together.

I'm also considering showing him this thread. I can absolutely guarantee though, his 1st comment to my op will be 'actually curry/film night or committee meetings or whatever is once every 6 weeks, not what you've written here'. He will miss the point about the feelings that are created in order to focus on minutiae.

But anyway...

I'm going to stop now. I can see I'm getting annoyed again and not focusing on the positive.

Thank you. I'll let you know how things go.

I wonder if you're mixing up sorrow at the sad loss of your parent with repressed anger with DH. And what you think is grief is more fury!

I do this with my DH who has always been an idle bastard not very supportive in the home because he had a very demanding, long-hours job. I doubt my DH has the slightest idea at the seething resentment I feel sometimes at the unfairness of it all. Anyway, retirement approaches and he is about to find out

I should have made changes years ago but went along with the 'poor Dad he is so tired after work' scenario. Perhaps, OP, you need to be a bit more forceful.

What? He turns down invites and tells you this to prove that he is therefore doing a good thing? Probably the reason he gets so many invites is because he is always available (to other people, not to you).

My dh (who is not perfect by any means) turns down invites - he gets them because of his job - all the time, but doesn't expect me to be grateful. He does so because he wants to. It's a family joke, the things he doesn't do, eg being asked out of the blue by a European crown prince to stay on after meetings to have lunch with him and watch their Grand Prix. He preferred to come home to his family. This is extreme - and I thought it was dumb of him to miss it, btw - but his heart is in the right place.

Your dh needs to reassess his real priorities, not toe the line for a while when you make a fuss and then slip back into his normal attitude to his life and family. He shouldn't be spending more time with you just because he's worried/you're going through a difficult time. He should be doing it because he wants to spend time with you and his children, and because you would like this.

But my big mistake was not to make time for real heart to heart talks where we could both make our points and then come, hopefully, to a compromise.(DH runs a mile from any display of feelings)

He needs to understand that he has to give up something for your benefit. That is a concept that is incomprehensible to a lot of men, because their default setting is that the world revolves around them, because they are men.

Mmmnotsure - that's a good point (amongst many other good points - thank you).

One of the things dh will say is that if we have already arranged something in particular, he will forgo his social arrangement. But he won't do so if it's just a case of choosing between time with me/us or a gig/night out. Therefore it makes me seem unreasonable and whingey (sp?) if I say I'd rather he didn't go. And I've asked him
A number of times to think for himself whether a request is unreasonable or not, as me making the decision yes or no puts me in the position of Bitch From Hell if I say no. I don't even think that's a calculated strategy by him - he just doesn't see it. This is where his assertion that he now does consider invites and turns many of them down comes from. But this was all before I started feeling so low anyway. I feel much worse now but am still feeling that IAMU.

So I guess what I'm getting from all of this is that, despite his assertions otherwise, dh would rather spend time with his friends when they are doing something nice & sociable than with me even though (maybe because) I'm needy & vulnerable at the moment. He's actively ignoring my 'broken leg' or he's so wrapped up in his own needs that he simply doesn't see it.

That's sad.

Should read IABU

ItchyandScratchy sounds like you need grief counselling first and foremost. You have been through a lot mostly alone by the sounds of it and all of this needs processing piece by piece and may take some time but before you tackle you DH you need to get your head together

There is group called Cruse and they were brilliant through all our bereavements and there were many its called Cruse Breavement Care and they can help with counselling, also you GP could refer you if needed.

As for your DH set up a regular date night once a week for you and him and a regular weekend away together either as a family or just together. Put a couple of things on the calendar just for you and get yourself a shopping day out or spa with some friends anything breaking the cycle should give you a bit of a break.

Then perhaps it wont all seem quite so gloomy

Good Luck

DM if you need to chat

I'm so sorry for you and all that you've been through. I do think you should see the DR and also get some more counselling. You might have a point that DH goes out with his friends either because he can't or won't cope with your needs at the present. I suspect he thinks you 'should be over it by now.' The truth is, there is no correct period of time for grieving. He needs to get that into his head, and perhaps educate himself by reading about the subject.

I would be inclined to show him this thread. You say he will be gutted, well maybe he should be. I would also mention the lack of family time with the DC. They will not be young forever, and when they are independent young people will remember when dad would rather spend time with his mates enjoying himself and leaving them and mum on their own. They will do just the same to him eventually. Yanbu.

He does spend time with the kids and they enjoy time with him on their own. They will really love our holiday with us all together. But they've also been upset with their granddad dying as they were very close to him (esp dd1 who's 10). They are very sensitive to atmospheres in the house and by me if I seem upset or tired. Theyve also asked if me and dh will ever split up. This is part of their own grieving process, but might also reflect that things are not right between dh and me.

That's another reason I feel so frustrated: in my counselling sessions I'd sometimes cry for half the time as there was no expectation to stop crying and/or pull myself together. I think it's ok for them to see that people get sad when someone dies but there's also a limit to what I want to expose them to.

Everything I arrange to do for myself seems to have a time limit - dh's time does not. 'Go away for a weekend with your friends more often' he says. Yes I could do this, but I'd miss that time with the dcs too. Dh makes a thing of saying how much he's missed us all when he comes back from each jolly, but it's never enough to make him reconsider going away. I don't want him to have no life away from us, but I'd like to see us take more of a priority at the moment.

Sorry - rambling a bit now but as I said before, it helps writing it down.

That's the trouble when your parents die. You are sad for your own sake, and also for your children's. You end up carrying two burdens of grief, but have to hold it together (and not grieve openly too much) for the children's sake, which is difficult when in fact you've just become an orphan yourself. It doesn't matter how old you are, that is what you are having to come to terms with.

It doesn't help that you have also lost the emotional support and presence of your best friend so recently as well, which perhaps makes it more obvious to you that your dh - who should be providing emotional support and presence as well - isn't doing so. An awful lot to cope with.

So you'll just have to plan time away, won't you? If you were a single parent it would be nigh on impossible. Make use of your H and just organise something, and try not to resent him for organising stuff for himself

And it sounds from your post like there is a lot more going on than just fair share of nights out

Just plan loads of stuff and put it on the family calendar/diary. Get out and join clubs yourself - WI, exercise classes, going for a run by yourself, whatever you like to do by yourself or with other people. Get him to take the kids out for a few hours at the weekend if you want time on your own in the house. Have a date night so you get to reconnect with each other properly once a week.

I've always had loads of stuff going on and have never stopped since having kids, I've had more weekends away than DH and I'm more sporty than him. He is quite lazy in terms of hobbies which is quite good really :)

I agree, stop thinking about stuff and get on with doing it