to be furious with dh and his social life plans - sorry this is quite long

[Itchyandscratchy]

OK I'd ask if you could be gentle with me about this but I really need to see if IABU.

Firstly, I should say that I have had a very difficult year and I am aware that my emotions are much nearer to the surface these days and I am very tired (mentally). My dad died a year ago from a disease similar to MND and it was a horrible 18 months before he died. My mum died when we were young and my brother lives abroad and doesn't come home very often. I've dealt with the probate and I'm selling dad's house.

My job is brilliant but very full on (I'm a teacher/adviser with quite a lot of responsibility). And my best friend who I've known 32 years emigrated to Aus last month.

So that's that...

Dh and I have been married 12 years and we have 2 dcs. We are generally very happy and dh pulls his weight at home with housework and childcare. His hobbies are golf (but he only plays on his day off, not at weekends) and socialising with his group of close mates. He has also joined the working men's club and plays snooker once a week in the winter and he's on the committee (evening meetings once every 6 weeks). With his mates he goes out roughly once or twice a fortnight and they have beers and curries. Once a month they also have 'film club' and they take it in turn to host a night with dvds and food.

In term time I work most evenings and so I can't blame him for going out in the week and this has been fine as he'll put the kids to bed before he goes out etc.

But he and his mates also loves gigging and they arrange a gig probably very 4-6 weeks which could be a local comedy or music gig but also now includes the odd overnighter.

I have found since dad died that I am needing more support and I am constantly tired. My brain doesn't work as well as it did (memory, making decisions) and I have asked dh to try to show more intiative - sorting kids' bags for school, paying for music lessons, dinner money. Most of the time he remembers and has helped, but not always - it just doesn't occur to him.

This holiday dh had a weekend away at the golf Open and then has been working all week so it's just been me and the kids. He's on call this weekend and will be working. He's arranged to play golf on his day off on Tuesday (he doesn't seem to have thought-through the fact that we're all not at school and we haven't seen him). He's arranged a big night out next Friday with his mates then he has 2 weeks off. We're away for one week. The weekend after this I arranged to see friends we haven't seen for a good while for a BBQ. Dh now tells me he's arranged to go away that day on a festival gig and stay the night there for the bank holiday. What about our bank holiday?

It's like I used to be able to cope with the fact we socialised apart a lot of the time (I guess that's the same with a lot of couples with kids) but I'm feeling very alone these days. Losing dad and selling my childhood home have been awful and feel like my roots are gone. I keep seeing photos of my parents looking young and happy, holding me as a baby and feeling so sad that they're both gone now. I feel angry and resentful that dh has absolutely no concept of how I feel, even though I've tried to explain. He's very factual and straightforward; he kind of deals with things in compartments and can't appreciate that me feeling lonely is all to do with the grieving process. He thinks I'm being precious/unreasonable about him being out so much.

I feel like I need some (without sounding like a wanker) 'me' time, but the person getting the 'me' time is him! He would say that it's fine for me to go away anytime I like with my mates - but they're all mums who only make a break from it with much planning and forward-thinking! My dcs are brilliant company and I love spending time with them but I do need a break. I'm starting to feel very detatched from dh and actually quite numb. I am really angry about this latest away-day and it makes me want to completely switch off from him.

Sorry this is long. I constantly have a headache at the moment and I just want to cry/run away but still be with my kids

I would just print out your post and let him read it.

Sounds like he is getting all the fun

Oh and
YANBU

If you arranged the weekend away before the festival gig then he needs to cancel it.

We have a calendar in the kitchen - whoever puts stuff on first gets first dibs but they have to take into account the rest of the week/month.

You have had a tough year emotionally, and it can often take that long for grief to really hit you too. Firstly I would say go and see your GP, as it does sound like you may have the onset of depression, but that is just an observation from reading through all your post, but a check up would do no harm.

Your husband does seem to lead a very busy social life, without much consideration for family life, and without much time for you to go and do things, and I dont think you are being unreasonable to be pissed off with him, as he sounds rather self centred.

Would it be possible to book a break somewhere peaceful, maybe just a beach or villa holiday for you and the kids, take some books, let the kids play while you relax, and leave Mr Independant at home to sort himself out for a week?

you are having to grieve for a lot - your parents, your friend and your dh buggering off all the time yanbu.

Could you let dh know that you will be going to Australia for a couple of weeks this summer to see your best mate and leaving him to sort child care? I do wonder how he would react to this proposition if you laid it out that he would have to do the lot

FFS, not only is he hogging all the leisure time in the family for himself but now he expects you to miss out on a social event so he can have an outing.
He's probably quite aware that it's a lot more complicated for you to arrange a break with your friends, so feels quite safe in saying 'Oh you can go away whenever you like', knowing that you can't, but therefore defending himself against accusations of selfishness 'I've never stopped her going out...'

Can you arrange with your friends for a regular night out once a week? It's easier for people to plan a regular commitment, in some ways. Then tell H, don't ask him if it's all right that from now on, every Wednesday/Friday/whatever, he will be looking after the children.

Yanbu, he is being selfish and thoughtless.

Dh and I do quite a lot separately, this is not a problem as things are prearranged taking the families needs into account.

We both work and have 3dc, I can't see how it would work any other way.

Like laurie, everything is written on the calendar.

We don;t have a weekend planned as such. His parents' 50th wedding party is on the Saturday so I was under the impressions Sunday & Monday were free. He said he asked/told me about the gig ages ago but I keep trying to tell him I can't process info and dates any more - it needs to be written on the calendar but he didn;t do it. I just want to be able to arrange things as a family without first having to check that dh hasn't organised MORE stuff for himself to do.

as poster said, print out your op. it's well written, and not in the slightest bit unreasonable. I would feel too that any leisure time is not being planned with his FAMILY in mind, and you are not getting any free time or space, nor are you and you hhusband getting any time together.

I think he is being very thoughtless and selfish and I really feel for you.
I think printing off your post could be a good idea but it sounds as if he may be emotionaly immature or even running away from engaging with you as he doesn't know how to handle your feelings.
Could you arrange a weekend for the 2 of you to reconnect and have some quality time together.
YANBU at all.
I hope you sort things out. x

Thank you so much for the replies. They have made me cry with relief that I'm not being a bitch! He is a great dh in many ways and I do love him but it's getting harder.

I had bereavement counselling via the hospice for a while before and after dad died and my counsellor gave me a very useful analogy to use. She said that we all have a stock pot (our emotional well-being). Usually, when you use some of your stock (busy time/stressful situations), you replace it and top it up ('me' time/relaxation/whatever). She said that my stock-pot had run very very low throughout dad's illness and death, and also with still holding down my job and running the house etc. Therefore it would take a long time to top it back up. I kind of thought I'd been doing that over the last year and I do feel better in lots of ways, but my reaction to dh's 'normal' socialising has been a bit of a realisation that my pot's still very low.

It must be like living in a house with your children and having a lodger who is a single male living with you.

YANBU OP, not at all. He is being very selfish. I think he is getting far more out of the marriage than you. He is basically getting to act like a single man with no attachments/responsibilities, but with the security of the wife at home who takes care of all the domestic concerns. He doesn't seem to care about your needs, as long as his are met. It sounds like a woefully outdated form of marriage.

I think printing off this thread and showing it to him is a good idea but whether he will digest it is a different matter.

It must be like living in a house with your children and having a lodger who is a single male living with you

Exactly what I was about to say, Ivy, he's living the life of a single man.

I'm all for couples having separate interests and friends but this is too much, when was the last time the two of you did something together?

YANBU. I'm all for couples doing social stuff separately, but it's always polite to check before making plans. This applies a hundredfold when you have kids, it's absolutely not acceptable for him to make plans without checking you're ok to look after the kids IMO.

Where in heavens name has a man 12 years married found all these 'friends' to socialise with. By that age most men are up to their ears in demanding jobs and teenage kids.

If his friends are all single I would point that out to him big style. He should be socialising with other couples so you both go, not on his own.

For a start I would arrange counselling one afternoon a week at exactly the day and time to most cock up his plans. And after going to counselling stroll round the shops/ go to the cinema/ meet a friend. I just think that talking things through with someone unrelated will help you clear your head and feel more relaxed. I don't think you are depressed or anything but being able to air your feelings about EVERYTHING without being judged is very nice ime.

And tell him he is being unreasonable when you have a family to care for.

I should say we had a bit of a heart-to-heart last night and he cancelled golf next Tuesday so I could have some time... but I included it to demonstrate what he felt was perfectly reasonable before I 'kicked off'. We'd sorted out a fair bit and I cried like a baby for about half an hour (it's obviously been brewing). But then I found out about the bank holiday this morning and it all came over me again like a wave.

I said to him last night - if I had a cast on my leg and he could phycially see that I'm injured, he'd automatically be more considerate I think. He'd never dream of leaving me alone so often with a broken leg. But because my pain is inside, and I manage fairly well day to day, he doesn't have that reminder of that fact that I'm just not 'right'. I said to him last night that my dad is going to be dead for a long time... therefore, I'm going to feel a degree of sadness for all of that time. It won;t always be so close to the surface, I'm sure, but it needs some consideration (alongside all the other stuff).

He would be gutted if he read this and saw that he was being thought of so badly; he is generally a sensitive and loving dh and a brilliant father. I think he's just better when I'm on top of my game. So he's good at the 'in health' bit of the marriage vows, but the 'in sickness'? Not so much maybe. Although he would be very upset to realise this.

It is perhaps sad that whilst you protect him from being gutted by this thread - he doesn't have the same degree of understanding, or want to understand and "be there for you" when times are tough.

He is not sensitive to your needs and he is not thinking about you at a time when if he was thoughtful he would apprecitate you need support

It helps writing it all down actually.

I wouldn't feel comfortabel arranging things just to piss him off/scupper his plans. I'd need to be more consistently angry to do this and I'm past that; I just feel exhausted.

What worries me is that the less time we spend together, the less time I feel inclined to spend time with him, which is a bit worrying.

We used to have more time together - my dad was great at popping over and having the kids so we could go to the movies or for a curry etc. His parents are lovely but organising them to babysit is a bit more of a performance - but not out of the question.

The idea of a couple of days away just me and the kids sounds very tempting at the moment but it'd be like setting a precident and I don;t know how it would impact on our relationship.

His mates: they're a mix of married/in relationships/single. Although the married one with kids is such an OCD PITA I bet his wife is glad that he's out of the house a lot of the time! Dh also spends a lot of time with our neighbour and they are great mates - but he's just taken early retirement and has loads of free time. Interestingly, thinking about it, the other mate that's in a relationship and has a child doesn't go on half the things dh does.

Itchy I've just read through your very well written post, and I have to say the 'lodger' analogy is the one that fits your situation the best. You sound very intelligent, and reasonable, even when your stockpot is running down. Show him this thread - or tell him that he's behaving like a lodger.

This year is a difficult one for you. Your DH is a major part of the family, and this is a time when he needs to step up and start pulling his weight. He should start by cancelling all of his 'me' social events for this summer and help out by spending his free time with his DW and DC, making sure that they feel special and loved. As opposed to 'abandoned'.

I don't know the ages of your DC, but there's quite a few festivals on this summer that are family friendly - with good music, real ale, face painting and all the rest of it. Proper family events, that make everyone feel good. Including, importantly, you. And that'll help your stockpot start to re-fill again.

What worries me is that the less time we spend together, the less time I feel inclined to spend time with him, which is a bit worrying.

This rings true with me based on past experience, often with kids it's easier to go out separately than socialise together as a couple. And as you rightly suggest, this can lead to problems and growing apart.

He's doing too much socialising separately from you, irrespective of the difficult time you're going through. Add into this the fact that you don't get any time with your friends in return and it's massively unbalanced in his favour.

His parents are lovely but organising them to babysit is a bit more of a performance - but not out of the question.

I suggest you follow up on this and start going out together again - cinema, curry nights etc. Remind each other why you got together in the first place and enjoy each other's company again. A date night once a week (or however is realistically possible).

Would he be open to this suggestion?

Itchy I am sorry to hear this.

I agree with squeaky. Do go and see your GP and discuss how you are feeling. Have you put on weight recently and/or approaching menopause? Extreme tiredness, forgetfulness and being unable to make decisions are some of the symptoms of an under-active thyroid so ask for a thyroid function test.

Sorry you've been going through such a hard time recently.

I think the advice to print out your OP and give it to your DH is good. It can be very difficult to get others to see your point when emotions are understandly running high, so it can be very worthwhile to provide the person you're trying to communicate with an opportunity to process what it is you are trying to tell them without them needing to process your emotional reaction. It also gives you the chance to get your point across without them interupting and taking the conversation off on a tangent about one of your points. Often when I try to speak to DH about something bothering me related to my depression he starts saying things to try and make me feel better or defend his point of view when all I really want him to do is listen. So I sometimes just send him an email, and I find it really helps.

I think in this context it's a case of making sure that he understands that it's not his going out that is the key problem, it's that you need more support both practically and emotionally from him, and that he needs to go out less to give this to you, if that makes sense.

Just on your other point it is important to try and spend time together, and once you do it will hopefully lead to you wanting to spend more time together, sort of reversing the cycle your currently in. Make the effort required to get the PILs to babysit, but you can also make the effort at home once the children are in bed (assuming they go early enough) to have a nice dinner at the table with the tv off or have a film night whatever, but set aside some time that is just about the two of you. That may sound like a lot of effort in the place you're in at the moment but it could have lots of positive benefits.

He does sound like a good man, but we all process events and emotions in our own way, and we should never expect others to automatically know how we are feeling and what we need from them no matter what our relationship with them is, sometimes people really do need it spelling out. I like your analogy with the broken leg, I think it sums up the difficult nature of getting our loved ones to recognise our emotional needs very well.

OK, it is possible that you need some help from your GP; it's not at all uncommon or unreasonable to need a bit extra and/or a full health checkup after stressful events.

But it's also true that you need more support from your H, and he's going to have to do what, sadly, an awful lot of men find difficult: put his wife FIRST for a while. Because a couple of thousand years of culture and socialisation have repeatedly peddled the line that men are people and women are accessories/pets/assistants to them, even nice men sometimes need a very firm reminder that at times, their partner's needs must take priority. Marriage is not a matter of the man being nice to the woman just as long as it doesn't inconvenience him.

How do your children feel? Do they notice that their dad isn't around much and isn't doing much with you or with them?

Maybe suggesting a specific thing that he can do with them - cinema, bowling or whatever suits their age - might help him reconnect with them.

Also, suggesting that you and he go to a specific place on a specific date might help him get his arse in gear and consider you all more.

You seem like a lovely women and it's sad you're feeling the way you do. In your position I'm sure we'd all feel the exact same.

YANBU.