to wonder if your loved one was very obese why would you feed them crap

[McHappyPants2012]

i watch alot of programmes about very obese people. They can't move or take care of themselves. So why do the people who are supposed to be looking after them continue to give them foods so high in fats and sugars.

You get some very strange people called 'feeders' who get a kick out of it

I suppose that's one reason

If my loved one was very obese they would be on a restricted diet and I would not deviate from it. Anything else is abuse and should be treated as such.

I would take their credit card and mobile phone from them as well so that they couldn't order takeout.

Because it makes them happy in the short term.

Just the same as the overweight people eat the food.

They are not educated about food??

I mean, chips are made from potatoes, which is a vegetable, right!??

I think so much has to do with a lack of education about food, and about the effects of obesity. And yes, you're with someone for whom food is the thing which makes them happy, and you want them to be happy.

It makes me feel so sad for that person, who is stuck to a bed all day everyday it must be a very depressing way to live

I think it's probably a vicious circle. Someone who is stuck in bed all day can't do anything that makes them happy, except eat some tasty donuts.

They are fat because they have been eating crap for years, I think if you really cared about someone you wouldn't let them get obese in the first place. Very obese kids are particularly sad, the parents usually look the same though so just think of it as genetic and well built.
If my bloke started piling on weight the few cakes and biscuits I buy or make would stop and there would be lots of salads and veg. We are both active though, most severely obese folk did little exercise before podging up and then are too fat and sore to do any.

I love these threads. The understanding, empathy, etc.

Just to present the flip side, sort of...

My dad is diabetic, type 2. It's really really hard for him, he loves his cakes etc and mostly he's very disciplined. But every so often he goes off the rails. And he knows I bake every week. So he rings and asks what I've got, or pops in for a visit, or holds his hands out expectantly when I visit. All good fun. But I'm a bit torn. I know he shouldn't have these things, of course I do. But I know how much he loves them. And I like to be able to do things for him, he's done so much for me. So I'm stuck in the middle.

Do you see what I'm trying to say? Once I realised that, suddenly I had an inkling of what it must be like to live with a 50 stone, bed bound family member and how what you know you should do conflicts with what would please them IYSWIM.

I think it is a very complex situation. There are two things that are important to understand - firstly, that if you are very obese, you typically cannot simply start eating 2000 calories per day. You actually use so many calories just existing, that you have to eat quite a lot even if you are losing weight. The second thing is, I think people who are hugely obese are usually not just struggling with weight in a simple way. There may be other issues. My aunt has been severely depressed for a long time. Of course being morbidly obese is killing her. But it's not sensible to say to someone that obesity will eventually kill them if - rightly or wrongly - they feel that the only thing stopping them from going into a suicidal crisis is eating.

I would always assume that someone very overweight may have other issues. Of course, they may not - but it's best to assume so, I think.

I never understand why people continue to feed crap flood to relatives who are so obese that they are bed ridden. I would think that just cutting down a bit on the food would mean that they could start moving around a bit. I mean how many of us need to eat a mountain of pizzas or hambugers every day. Just give then 2 burgers instead of three or 1 portion of chips instead of two and the weight wuld gradually come off. People need to be cruel to be kind.

I remember seeing a Ricki Lake show. A woman was so big she was bedbound. She lived in a flat and all she wanted was to walk to the window to see her son play in the park.

Someone must have been bringing her food, not just to her flat but to her bedside. Surely it would be easy to bring filling but healthy food and refuse anything else?

I have no will power, may I use yours?

I agree with Gwyendoline, it's hard to not make your family happy, even when it's not good for them. Food is kind of the universal happy/friend/caring gesture we can all give one another.

When people are adults, they do get to choose their food, even if you think it's an unhealthy choice.

Of course, weighing 400 pounds has got to be terrible and I suspect they want change but are afraid to do so for whatever reason, and the carer has either bought into that or is abusively encouraging that thought!

You do see a lot of shows where the family are shaking their heads going, "but how did it happen?!" and then in the next shot getting an excessive carry out from Taco Bell and delivering it to them in bed. I suppose living with an addict like that for so long must give you a twisted sense of what's "normal" when it comes to food. And if someone is so big they can't get out of bed then food must be a big comfort / distraction for them. It would be hard to deny someone you love what I would assume to be one of the few pleasures they have left.

Cross post, LDR, I agree with what you said too! It is rarely so simple!

Also, when very obese people set out to lose weight, they have to be very careful as the fat loss can cause heart attacks! very odd, but it does happen if you lose too quickly!

But what would you realistically do if an adult told you they would kill themselves if you didn't bring them food? IMO it is a scary situation and appaling, but god knows what you do.

I think some people are also in denial- they themelves are overweight so they will not believe their partner is morbidly obese, because that might mean admitting they were overweight.

monster - I cross posted with you too! But good point about heart attacks.

I think people need proper medical care to lose weight when they are very overweight, and ideally they should get that, rather than us blaming familiy members who are probably doing their best.

People who addicted to sugars get intensely emotional when they can't have them and obviously their family want to make them happy and less depressed. They could be screaming at them over it, it's not as easy as you think

They continue to feed them crap because that is what they want and to do otherwise would take away their autonomy.

i find this very hard because I am obese and so is my daughter. I used to be very fit and healthy until I took asthma and over the years Ive put on a lot of weight, when on steriods i put on 2 dress sizes in 2 months. I cannot exercise other than gentle walking or swimming as I start wheezing and the weight is making it even worse and it is a vicious circle.

My wee girl is constantly telling me she is hungry. Tonight I gave her pineapple, but she has nearly eaten all of it. She is constantly telling me shes starving, and I know it is portion sizes and lack of exercise rather than giving her shite, aye she gets treats but no more than her big sister is who is slightly underweight. Im 100% convinced that our problem is lack of exercise because she seems to have dropped a little since the school holidays started. But it is heartbreaking when she is literally screaming for food.

misrantalot well done for exercising. It must be tough but just think to yourself that the more you do the better you'll feel and the less you do the less you'll be able to do.

What sort of treats do you give your dd? And how often? My dd als used to say she was constantly hungry but it was really just a habit. I know she wasn't hungry, she just liked eating. We just used to give her a normal sized meal and she had pudding on saturday and sunday and a £1 for a bar of chocolate on saturday mornings. it took ages (I mean years) to wean her her compulsion to eat but we stuck at it

The obese person may want crap but they can't force someone else to buy it and bring them it. I don't buy crap now and wouldn't start if my husband or kids became obese.
Feeling hungry is normal if you are losing weight. If you know the other person is getting enough calories then you're not harming them and their stomach will shrink as they get used to smaller portions.
The obese people I know just eat alot, and eat fairly constantly once it gets past about 4pm.

I once saw a documentary about partners who liked feeding their Oh's just for the pure joy of making them fat. There was one man who took pictures of his wife in a door way every week and was happily showing the camera how he'd made her fill up the doorway with her fat after feeding her crap. It's abuse and when those fat people die, their feeders should be charged with murder. That's the extreme reason.