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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not hand over one of DD's birthday gifts?

73 replies

WelshMaenad · 24/07/2012 19:31

it was dd's birthday last week, she was six. We received a parcel and separate card in the post from DH's older brother.

However, it was my son's birthday back in April and he received nothing from the same uncle, no card or even call/text etc. We haven't really heard from thus brother for months, he lives quite far away from us, and we in turn live quite far from the rest of DH's family.

I sent him a text saying that we'd received dd's gift but were surprised we hadn't heard from him at ds's birthday months ago. No reply, but the following day he left a message on my voicemail saying they were sorry, he just forgot, awernern't deliberately treating them differently.

Thing us - he IS, because there's been nothing forthcoming for DS. No belated card, gift, or anything. I'm not materialistic, I'm more about the thought than a gift, and I'm just as annoyed that on realising he'd forgotten, which he must have done, he didn't make the effort to acknowledge it, to ring and apologise or send him a wee card. It took me confronting him to get a reaction.

I have not given dd the gift yet, and tbh I just want to send it back to him, because in my eyes you don't give to one without the other. WDYT?

OP posts:

whois · 24/07/2012 23:35

YABU. Chillax about it. Your kids won't remember this as the slight you are taking it.

It is mega easy to forget nephew's birthdays when you don't have kids of your own and have a busy life. Thank goodness my mum reminds me about my nephews birthdays and will send a card if I'm out of the country! (in context, I get on v well with my brother and his wife, and my love my nephews)

PenisVanLesbian · 24/07/2012 23:51

I can't get over the rudeness of asking someone why they didn't send your child a gift. He forgot, so what? And you expect him to send one now to make up for it, and are annoyed he didn't ring a TWO year old to say happy birthday.
I'm baffled by your attitude, I can't imagine being so rude.

catus · 25/07/2012 07:27

YABU. He forgot, that can happen, really. Give the present and forget about it.

sashh · 25/07/2012 07:35

Tell uncle about this.

I have a brother with three children, I can only remember the birthday of one of them. My soloution is that once a year I send a single parcel with a gift for each of them as an 'unbirthday present'.

They quite like it because it arrives at a random time, they are not expecting anything. It means I don't leave anyone out.

It also means they have never had a birthday card or present from me - which is the downside.

Would that work for the childresn's du, and would you be happy with it?

Mayisout · 25/07/2012 07:37

Uncles never sent to my DCs unless they were married to someone who realised how important it was to the DPs of nephews and nieces. Or unless the DC was an only and its DF got in a strop if everyone didn't remember.

ErnesttheBavarian · 25/07/2012 07:59

I think it's astonishingly rude to send the gift back, and I assume he would think you were quite mad. esp as it's not even your db! If my bil texted me along those lines I would be furious. Because if there was an issue I think it should have come from the sibling not the in law, in this case, your dh to his brother. What did dh say? Is he bothered?

I can't believe you texted him to basically complain about a lack of present for ds.

There comes a point when even a belated card is too late surely? How did you want him to respond? Oh, sorry, and bung another present in the post for ds? If so, then I'm sorry but it would seem to be materialistic and about getting more stuff. Also, why on earth, when you've already said your kids have loads of stuff, and aren't lacking for anything, and ds didn't notice or care about lack of present from uncle, why would you go and get him a present just cos dd has got something.

Honestly, speaking as a parent of older children imo less is more. Really. I don't think it's good to be getting them loads of stuff for no reason, and this, imo is no reason.

adeucalione · 25/07/2012 08:59

This happens in our family too - everyone remembers DD's birthday, but several people go on to forget DS's birthday the following month (also the only two DC in the entire extended family).

I imagine it's because the arrival of the eldest was a more significant and memorable event, and because actually no-one, not even family, are as interested in your DC as you are.

Once my DC were old enough to notice I made a joke out of it - we have a sweepstake to see who will forget and DS gets £5 from me for every 'missing' card and present. I have never mentioned it to any of the regular forgettors on the basis that I know it is unintentional, and that I don't want to embarrass them, and that they would probably not send a card for either DC next year out of chagrin.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 25/07/2012 09:04

From the OP I thought DS would be a sensitive 8 year old distraught that he'd been forgotten. As he's 2 I'd forget about it. You are being rather over sensitive and pushy.

MigratingCoconuts · 25/07/2012 09:11

lol! by the time your boy is 7 or 8 you'll be grateful for as few -plastic tat- presents as possible. We are drowning in the stuff over here...

MigratingCoconuts · 25/07/2012 09:12

because actually no-one, not even family, are as interested in your DC as you are.

and that is an important truth to remember..

Lucyellensmum99 · 25/07/2012 09:15

bein a tad precious i think - my DDs god parents forgot her birthday this year, im not worried - its nice to get presents, but to be honest she got loads of presents from her school friends etc, im quite relieved not to have more tatt to have to store. Her god parents were a bit but i honestly didn't expect anything, especially as i am a bit rubbish about recirprocating myself

ll31 · 25/07/2012 09:16

yep agree with migrating coconuts-and i think if ur serious about this thread you need to develop some interests away from your children to get some perspective

Lora1982 · 25/07/2012 09:19

i agree. give it to her your son wont even remember/ notice/ care

louisianablue2000 · 25/07/2012 09:21

DH's family are all terrible about remembering birthday gifts. I have stopped reminding DH to buy gifts for them (except I get for the nieces) to balance the karma. Having said that he does always comment to his parents (but not his siblings) when they send the box of Christmas presents and don't include a birthday present for DD1 (her birthday is a few days after Christmas). They ALWAYS 'forget' to get her something and she would never get anything from them if we didn't remind them. As it is she tends to get a paperback book from them a few weeks later. On the other hand they always get nice birthday gifts (DD2 got a dress and books and a toy last year) for their other grandchildren, DD1 suffers purely because of the proximity of her birthday to Christmas so there is a different situation from just forgetting, it's consistent uneven treatment. They actually told me they couldn't afford to get her a present for her first birthday, having just come back from a 2 week holiday in South America. Interesting priorities there!

In your situation if it bothered you you should have got your OH to speak to your BIL and say 'could you try and remember to treat the kids evenly, it doesn't matter now but will in a few years'.

Original poster

WelshMaenad · 25/07/2012 09:46

Goodness, thanks for the character assassination. I can assure you that I have plenty of interests outside of my children. What a bizarre thing to say.

In my family, birthdays are sacrosanct. Especially when it's children, a big fuss is made. Now, I get that not everyone has the same approach, but I just find it really odd that an uncle who purports to adore his niece and nephew would just forget a birthday then not bother to apologise or make it right; particularly when they have made a big deal about adult birthdays in the past. It pissed me off and I make no apology for being pissed off. People may find that precious, I don't especially care. Like I said, there is form for my DS to be treated differently by DH's family, which is why I was so quick to get annoyed.

OP posts:

ErnesttheBavarian · 25/07/2012 09:50

I honestly don't think you can compare your own mum's 60th birthday with a nephew's second.

OK; he shouldn't have forgotten. He has apologised.

I don't think you should confront people because they didn't get your child a present. Confronting someone over a child's present. wow.

Honestly, give dd the present fgs then mve on.

You didn't say btw, why didn't dh speak to how own brother. What does dh the ink about you confronting his brother over this issue?

AKMD · 25/07/2012 09:54

I have an uncle like this. It became a standing joke that cards/presents from Uncle Geoff will be late or missing. At no point were my brother or I offended by a lack of or uneven presents from this uncle. Anythign arriving was a bonus. Sadly he then got a lovely girlfriend who sorts these things out for him and the joke is lost :(

PenisVanLesbian · 25/07/2012 10:06

WEll, maybe you need to grow up a bit and realise your family isn't the last word and that expecting everyone else to behave in the manner you deem appropriate is rude and controlling.

Floggingmolly · 26/07/2012 11:05

adeucalione. DS gets £5 from me for every "missing" present
What on earth???? How to build a sense of entitlement in 10 easy lessons .
I personally think that's even more appalling than what the op did.

ErnesttheBavarian · 26/07/2012 14:30

I missed that! OMG. Bonkers.

theboutiquemummy · 26/07/2012 14:35

actually its your DH husbands call to make and not yours its his brother, what does he say about this, maybe they genuinely forgot.

I don't think you are being petty but i do think this is being blown out of proportion would your DS even notice ?

JustFabulous · 27/07/2012 08:07

sashh - why not just ask when the birthdays are?

carycach · 27/07/2012 08:27

I honestly thought this thread was a wind up!! I can't believe anyone could be so rude, grasping and entitled.
Your BIL who has no children of his own is good enough to choose wrap and post a present for your child and the first thing you do is get on the phone to complain he didn't send one for your other child!!
if i were him I would reslve the problem in future by not buying for either ofthem ever again.

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