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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being pathetic or is there something seriously wrong with DH?

30 replies

MannyFagnet · 24/07/2012 10:52

My DH has become very distant from me lately, I have PND and my mood is improving.

Every morning before DH went to work he used to kiss me and DS goodbye, he now doesn't. He leaves 30 minutes earlier than he needs to and told me "It's much better being at work than at home".

I cannot remember the last time he wanted to show me any affection and we haven?t had sex for over a month (I have asked for it many times) and his excuse for not wanting to be "I can't be bothered".

I lay in bed every night reading and ask him to come to bed to "Talk" about what is wrong hoping that it would lead onto something however he says "It?s boring" and spends the night watching TV and exercising.

He has never been bothered about exercising before but he has suddenly became obsessed with it, He gets home and that is all he says "I better be able to do my exercises tonight" He hasn?t put on any weight and seemed quite happy over a month ago.

The exercising doesn?t bother me of course I would prefer him to be happy in himself but every night I go to bed when DS does because DH "Claims" the TV and the room to do his exercises and doesn?t want me in there whilst he is doing them and I always fall asleep before he comes to bed.

I have asked if he would like to book a weekend at a spa so we could just get away together and he said "We spend time together at home every day" so he doesn?t feel the need to spend time with me out of the home.

I probably am BU but the sudden change in behaviour makes me a bit suspicious, He has always wanted to see his friends alone ever since we have been together and I have only met them 2 times since being with him.

I have never got on with his family (Long story) and they really are the only people I have ever found it hard to even talk to, they hate me but I am civil for my DH's sake.

I have continuously asked DH for an explanation for the change of behaviour towards me and he says "I don't know, I just find you annoying lately"

I was constantly tired when being diagnosed with PND and did end up lying in bed a lot as I was also under observation and has various blood tests for a suspected lump (It turned out to be fine, I had my results yesterday) which also made me extremely tired so I just ended up sleeping so he did have to look after DS when he got back from work which I do think has something to do with it. I have been ill since being on my anti-depressants (Making me sick and tired with excessive sweating) so I have been laying down a lot and he tells me ?You never want to go out, Your lazy? Which isn?t true, I love getting out but running to the toilet during the day makes me not want to, I have this for another 4 weeks and then i am going back to the doctor who tells me to "Please put up with it as your mental health is improving".

I asked if he wanted me to go and stay with family for a week or so so he could "think" and they could help me with DS and he said "You better not, I don't run a fucking hotel where you can just come and go" and left it at that.

I have no idea what else to do, He doesn?t talk, Show affection or want to have sex which IMO is a big part to a relationship.

So AIBU to think something is going on and should I be worried?

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 24/07/2012 10:57

Jesus! Could he possibly be any less supportive!? I think not.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/07/2012 10:59

There are lots of possible explanations from depression on his part right through to him getting friendly with someone else. It is impossible to guess.

However, you do sound like you need some support with this and I suggest you repost in Relationships or ask MN to move your post because in AIBU people are often scarily blunt which is not necessarily what you need right now.

quoteunquote · 24/07/2012 11:00

Of course you should be worried about the health of your relationship, He is not being fair,

I hope you work it out,

I hope he will talk it out with you, take care.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 24/07/2012 11:00

Oh shit, I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but could there be another woman? You are almost entirely describing my XH's behaviour towards me. Obviously it might be something else, just his reaction to your PND?

Coconutty · 24/07/2012 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamdonut · 24/07/2012 11:06

He told you he finds you annoying at the moment. Perhaps he feels pushed out, and this isn't how he expected fatherhood to be? I know you've made the effort to talk etc. Perhaps he is a little depressed himself? Perhaps his side of the family is putting pressure on him? Perhaps people keep asking him how you are, and he doesn't know how to respond. Maybe he feels it is all about you at the moment. Maybe he is just worried sick himself?
I don't want you to think that I have no sympathy for your condition, and I'm glad you're improving,but I think you need to see it from his point of view too?

AThingInYourLife · 24/07/2012 11:06

He is really horrible to you.

I'd be forcing the issue about now.

How fucking dare he banish you from your living room?

What a dick.

MamaMary · 24/07/2012 11:11

OP, you can't put up with that behaviour from your DH. It's atrocious. He's being horrible to you.

You need to get marital counselling or he needs to see his GP - something needs to change here. The possibility of there being another woman is also strong. Sorry.

SophieLeGiraffe · 24/07/2012 11:12

Jesus. I have no specific advice but he sounds like he is being really horrible at the moment. You cannot tell your post-natally depressed wife that she is really annoying you and banish her to the bedroom!

If you can talk to someone in real life who knows him and explain what is happening perhaps they can help. Maybe he is sufferring from depression? Either way you are most definitely not being unreasonable to be concerned about this. How old is your baby?

hermionestranger · 24/07/2012 11:14

This sounds similar to my friends behaviour when he found OW. I hope I'm wrong but you need to have a serious talk about it. Good luck OP.

squeakytoy · 24/07/2012 11:19

I am sorry. It isnt you though, it is him.

I would say his behaviour is horrendous towards you, and the PND is going to turn into depression, caused by HIM.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/07/2012 11:21

Depression is very hard to deal with for the husbands/wives of the people who have it, and I don't think everyone going on about what a bit he is is going to help here.

It sounds like you are both having a very hard time, and it's not a competition about who has it hardest. You need each others support in equal measures.

There is a chance he is looking elsewhere. I think you need to do whatever it takes to force commutation about what is going on here.

wannaBe · 24/07/2012 11:21

you need to take a stand on this. It's one thing to feel pushed out because of pnd, it's quite another to then push you out and say that the exercise and the tv don't want you in the room, tell him it's too bad - you live there too and this is as much your house as it is his. Tell him if he doesn't like it he can move out.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/07/2012 11:23

Just out of interest is the computer in the same room as the TV? Have you ever seen him doing his exercises?

ImperialBlether · 24/07/2012 11:25

I think he sounds absolutely vile. Something has happened to him - I wouldn't be surprised if he's interested in someone else - the contempt and the exercises would back that up.

If I were you I'd pack up my things and go to my mum's and leave him a note saying he is to never speak to me like that again.

EugenesAxe · 24/07/2012 11:31

I agree you should have him assessed for depression too - it can be common in households where the woman has PND. If his family 'hate you' I doubt they are helping matters; if he has gone near them at all to talk about your familial problems I expect they took full opportunity to lay into your faults and say nothing about your good points.

Everyone that has spoken is saying pretty much what I'm thinking; he's out of order and that kind of controlling behaviour needs to be sorted. Talk confidentially to your HV; they will be able to help I hope. I also agree there is a possibility of OW... the exercising reminds me of Lester Burnham in American Beauty after he met Mena Suavi.

EugenesAxe · 24/07/2012 11:32

Chazs - yep I thought that too...

nomorethan2thankyou · 24/07/2012 11:37

tbh OP i think he is seeing someone else. it sounds very similar to situations that a couple of my friends have been in with their exs. from his behaviour, i think he is hoping that if he pushes you enough you will leave.
i think for now you need to focus on your mental health and the only way for you to do that is to get away from him. walk out and tell him it's because it's what you want because you will be happier without him, rather than giving him the satisfaction of making you a victim.
he might be depressed, but i find it unlikely, and even if he is you need to focus on yourself and your child and living with him at the moment won't help you.

Original poster
MannyFagnet · 24/07/2012 11:37

The computer is in the same room as the TV and we both have our laptops in there as well, I do hear him exercising but I fall asleep after about an hour of reading and he doesn?t come to bed until 1-2am.

I have no-one to talk to in RL as my family and friends live 300 miles away.

I am seeing the HV on Thursday but I am hesitant to tell her about the situation because I do not know how she would go about helping me.

OP posts:
WingDefence · 24/07/2012 11:38

Oh gosh Manny he sounds awful.

I don't think you are pathetic nor do I think there is is something seriously wrong with your 'D'H. However, there is something seriously wrong with this relationship.

I'm glad you say your mood is improving after PND. Is that why you're now questioning your H's behaviour? It sounds as if you've tried to get him to talk about things but he is being a completely rude arse.

I hope your family are supportive. I wouldn't even bother asking your H for permission to go away and spend time with them. I'd just tell him and go. You sound like you need a break.

Shullbit · 24/07/2012 11:53

We could speculate and say yes, he is having an affair, yes he is depressed but we can't possibly know for a fact. All we know from your post is that the way he is treating you is absolutely disgusting and something needs to be done about it.

Either make him talk, or if he refuses, I would go to my mothers and not even tell him. Please DO NOT allow him to carry on treating you in this way. If he is depressed, that doesn't excuse his behaviour and he needs to get help pronto. If he is just a complete tosser, then he needs a big kick up the arse. Preferably with a steel toe cap boot.

Good luck. Hope you can get it sorted either way and you continue to improve with your PND.

ImperialBlether · 24/07/2012 11:54

Tell your HV anyway. Are you sure you wouldn't feel better going to stay with family for a couple of weeks? I would hate to think of my daughter in your position - I'd be driving through the night to pick her up and take her away from a man like that.

JustFabulous · 24/07/2012 11:58

I dont think it matters why your husband is acting like a complete twat. The fact is he is and you need to sort it out as things will only get worse.

He is bullying you.
He is acting like he is the boss of you.
He is with hoding sex from you and making you feel unwanted.
He is taking over the room/tv and making it clear what you want is irrelevant.
He is denying his child affection.
He is being a complete dick and you would be so much better without him.

If you want to go to your family GO.

anditwasallyellow · 24/07/2012 12:04

What do you want to do op? Would you like to go stay with family? Would you like him to leave for a while?

He's definitely being really horrible but noone can be sure of the reasons.

RuthlessBaggage · 24/07/2012 12:04

He is behaving inappropriately.

My instinct is that he is depressed, but other suggestions sound plausible.

Talking to the hv about it would help because she will treat it sensitively and confidentially. You can actually talk to a human being about it. And also it will be affecting your recovery so she needs to know. She might have some suggestions for getting him more involved at home. Please speak to her.

Good luck.