AIBU about my mother in law

[Happiestinwellybobs]

I have always got on with my MiL okay - we have had some issues but nothing major. 4 months ago we adopted our daughter - her first and possibly only grandchild and one that she has been waiting for for years. We had an issue with her coming round when we first brought her home but thankfully drummed it in that we needed time to bond. After 2 months she announced that she felt she had been very restrained in only seeing our DD 2 or 3 times a week but now that we had clearly bonded she could visit every day.

At first that didn't happen, but in the past few weeks she had taken to turning up at tea time on her way home - which is the only time my husband gets with his child. If she calls and I am not in i or husband get texts to ask where I was. She has accused me (half jokingly I think) of hiding from her, because she had seen the pram in the house (we hadn't taken it).

To give an idea last week: tues - husband got a text to say she had been round and I must have been out as pram wasn't there, she came round on weds and thurs. she wanted to spend friday with us but I already had plans for lunch. Halfway through lunch she came in the restaurant having spotted my car. Texts over the weekend asking whether we going round, text yesterday asking whether I was in. Told her I was visiting a relative - another phone call checking I was there and then she must have come round while I was in the garden as I got a text saying have had called twice as missed us.

I think that this is too much and I am actually starting to get stressed about it. When she does come round she ignores me and husband. In the past if DD has been in bed she has waltzed straight out the door saying she would return when she was up.

I know that she is genuinely excited and thrilled to have her granddaughter but I am going mad - I feel like I'm being hounded. And dreading the summer hols a she is off for 6 weeks... Am I being unreasonable to want to limit her visits ? Sorry for the long rant

Yanbu. It's great that she is a loveing and excited grandparent but you need to make an arangement where you and your DP are happy and your dc understands that your family is mummy daddy and dd and the extended family is grandparents and other family members.

Congratulations on your adoptions!

Oh god no! to put it in perspective, my MIL sees DS every other week and my parents about the same. get your DH to tell her you don't want her visiting every day, that tea time isn't a good time to visit as you need to get DD to eat and settled down for bed.

I'm assuming she's a teacher if she's off for 6 weeks, could you suggest you book a time each week just for the holidays, maybe Thursday or Friday mornings you'll come over for a couple of hours (and then can leave when you've had enough), then she's had a weekly visit that doesn't hit 'family time' and you can arrange it round when suits. For when she' back at work, get a time in every other week, again, go to her so you can leave, make it mornings or afternoons. (I would go with mornings, that way it's got a clear end "we'll leave to get lunch" or after lunch "it's DD's nap time after lunch so we can drive back with her asleep" - afternoons have a bad habit to rolling into 'stay for dinner')

Yanbu
set your boundaries now or it will get worse. The same thing happened to me. Mil was upset and angry at first but now she respects my boundaries. Good luck

Yanbu - you need to put a stop to this now or it'll get worse. She's dictating to you how you 'should' spend your time, guilt-tripping, spying and generally being disrespectful.. You don't want to look back on this time with your daughter and feel it was ruined by the constant annoyancepresence of her grandmother or by the anxiety she caused so you (or rather your DH) need to stop it now

it's absolutely OK to tell her its not convenient for her to just pop round (this is one of my biggest bugbears) - if she has a key ask for it back or change the locks. Tell her you are finding her behaviour inappropriate, overwhelming, stifling or whatever - people like this don't respond to hints, she needs to be told in plain English its not on

Oh, and my MIL used to do the 'popped round, noticed you were out' thing - it helped I was out when she popped round 5 times on the row so I could keep saying "yes, I like to get out and do things with DS if I don't have other plans, shall we schedule a time so I'll know to stay in?" after another couple of times of not catching us or popping round 'just before I went out' (well, I wasn't about to go out, but that's what I told her) and then she got better at either calling first so I could say no or booking a time.

That would drive me crazy!

It sounds like you have had the patience of a saint so far. Decide how often you are prepared to see her, and then make dh tell her that that is all you will be doing from now on. If he doesn't do it, do it yourself.

I would have no hesitation in saying something, but I really couldn't cope with that much intrusion into my life.

YANBU

You need to be firm and let her know when it's ok to visit and when it's not. There is no way you should be expected to let her see her gc everyday, that's madness!

I feel a bit sorry for her after reading this tbh - of course you don't want to be hounded in your own home, but can you speak to her about it (kindly) and arrange some times when it is convenient for you to have her visit? She sounds a bit lonely and very keen to be involved with her new grandchild (whom you say yourself she has been waiting for for many years - and she is likely to be the only one), don't be too harsh with her.

Do you think perhaps she is being a bit OTT because your baby has been adopted? Maybe she wants you to be very clear that she absolutely views her as her grandchild. A bit of a clumsy way of going about it, but perhaps she is being extra demonstrative to prove the point to you. If you welcome her attention a bit more, it might make all of you more relaxed about things and she won't be so intense? Just a thought.

Thanks everyone for your words. I do need to speak to her - But afraid of the repercussions as she is quite dramatic and blows up easily. I think that the issue is linked to what her expectations and ours were when we brought DD home. She bought a cot, nappies etc when there was no way that we would have DD stay over yet - as MIL and FIL only live 5 mins walk away.

Clearly she think that she is not seeing enough of DD - she had told a relative that she was desperate to see her. When I explained that she had been round every night, the relative looked confused as though that's not what she had been told - mmmmm!

Thanks emsyj for making me look at it from a different view too. I was actually feeling sorry for her - then she came round again last night! This was after making husband feel guilty on Sunday night by telling him that unless we brought her round on Sunday she would not see her GC all week as she was working til 9 every day. But has been round both days so far - so clearly not working late.

If she comes around today that's it - I will talk to her. I just know that however nicely it is done there will be fireworks and tears....

YANBU at all! You and your DH (togethe) need to have a chat with her about respecting your privacy and giving you your own space.

My MIL started doing this when DS was born and one day was sitting in her car waiting for us when we got home. She said that at first she thought we were in as the pram was in the kitchen. When I asked her how she knew that as the kitchen is at the back of the house, she told me she had climbed over the (6ft) fence to try to back door in case we were upstairs. That was the time I realised that a chat was in order. It prob won't be an easy chat but it is most definitely a necessary one, though please make sure your DH is also involved or you will be painted the bad guy!

Haha, my MIL said she was going to buy a cot when I first had DD so that she could stay over - I think my horrified face was enough to put her off! I did eventually let DD stay the night - when she was just over a year old. I love MIL having her overnight now - night out & a lie-in, perfect.

at climbing over a 6 foot fence to 'check the back door'!!!!!!

That is funny about the fence - but that is actually what she would do if we were accessible from the front of the house!! The other week we were in the back garden and as i hadn't answered the door she was hammering on the front window sending the dog mad until I finally went!

Her heart is in the right place but she is pushing it!! I was told my DD must stay with her as she was clingy! When I explained that she was anything but clingy (always plays with others, by herself, sits on other parents knees when we are out etc), she said that unless I did leave her she would become clingy!! I can't win! We have had them stay one evening once she was in bed whilst we went out, but I honestly expected her to have deliberately woken her in order to play with her. I know that seems an OTT thought but afterwards 2 separate family members asked whether she had done just that. Everyone else seems to be treating her behaviour as normal or as a bit of a joke.

I suppose that we are all brought up differently. My parents also live close by but have been round 4 or 5 times since we brought her home. They love her just as much and are over the moon when we go round a couple of times a week, but understand that we have our own lives :)

I shall wait for the doorbell tonight - eek !

She does sound overbearing.

I suppose no one has ever said no to her & that´s why she does it.

Say NO & say NO now. Its nice that she wants to be a part of your lives but she needs to slow down & stop stalking you.

She sounds very very thick skinned so hints and smiles won't do, you have to get dh to be absolutely straight with her and be honest.

If you get tears or hysterics so he it that's her choice.

So glad that you have your dd.

She does sound as if she's a little obsessed. I think you and dh do need to set some boundaries even if it risks upsetting her, can you really cope with this for years on end?

YANBU. Sounds incredibly draining and a difficult situation to handle.

Do you think it would have more of the desired effect if your DH led the discussions with her? I know it shouldn't, and she should respect it just as much from you but really, it ought not matter about the fundamental rights and wrongs when you just need a solution, fast....

She sounds very obsessed, is she lonely?
Maybe her husband isn't spending enough time with her?
Just say no , and set a boundary of when you want her round.
Every day is very excessive and her seeing your car outside restaurants and then descending upon you is very odd.
How does she differenciate between your car and all the other cars??
Does she know the numberplate or something

She sounds a bit like my MIL, indulged all her life because people didnt want her to make a scene eg tears, screaming etc. Then I came along and rocked the boat. Dont let her dictate to you, it wont get better and it really does start to eat away at you until everything little thing irritates you.

Congratulations btw

Its not always loniless that causes people to act like this, there is also rampant egomania

On the one hand it's lovely that she is so keen to be a part of your daughters life, but this behaviour is way over the top, and you need to do something to make it clear that it's not acceptable behaviour.

How old is your DD? I'm wondering if there is something you could set aside some specific time and activity that they could do together regularly that would give MIL some time with her within a reasonable boundary and also give you a slot where you could get some stuff done. Would you be comfortable with her taking her to the park for an hour, for example?

There are lots of benefits to strong relationships between grandparent and child but not in the way your MIL is currently acting.

Yes pumpkinsweetie - she knows my plate (maybe I should get an anonymous car!!).

My LO is 14 months but has only been with us for nearly 4 months. I really don't want to leave her alone with her as she has no recent experience of a child so young and we have already expressed concern at some of the things she has said she would let her do - nothing major but I couldn't relax. Plus they have just put a huge pond in their garden which my LO would be straight in. I am dreading asking them to fence it off or cover it!

She is a lovely person but very used to getting her own way and can be manipulative. She has threatened to disown my DH three time over the years for family business related things - he finally told her he was bored of that particular threat! Unfortunately DH as much as I love him fails to stand up to either of his parents. I think she will actually respect it more from me than him anyway - or at least take it more seriously.

I am going to have to sort it - you're right Cocolepew., i am starting to let everything she does whilst here irritate me! Oh dear.

If she's throws a queeny fit let her get on with it, your baby your rules.

Good luck with this, but please stand your ground. Don't let your MIL ruin such a wonderful time in your life, you and your dh and your dd should come before the MIL.

Yanbu

My friend had a similar situation when her baby was born. I suggested nipping it in the bud but she doesn't like confrontation/straight-talking plus hasn't been on MN to know how it ends! Fast forward to two years later and friend's PIL (retired, live walking distance away) think it's okay to pop round unannounced anytime, including before 8am. These people seem to live in a bubble. Friend's approach is a bit passive aggressive tbh, she won't even say "now's not convenient, such a shame you didn't call before coming round". She just behaves frostily which is completely ineffective, and I think she now finds it harder to even contemplate talking to them about it as its now seen as normal. Friend's H does.t see it as an issue and won't deal with it either. PIL may pop round several times a day and do not help out but do expect to be waited on. I saw thus with my own eyes when the baby was a newborn.

I think that dealing with this now- through gentle suggestions or straight talking- will be easier than waiting.or hoping she takes the hint. Good luck.