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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my mother in law

49 replies

Happiestinwellybobs · 24/07/2012 10:03

I have always got on with my MiL okay - we have had some issues but nothing major. 4 months ago we adopted our daughter - her first and possibly only grandchild and one that she has been waiting for for years. We had an issue with her coming round when we first brought her home but thankfully drummed it in that we needed time to bond. After 2 months she announced that she felt she had been very restrained in only seeing our DD 2 or 3 times a week but now that we had clearly bonded she could visit every day.

At first that didn't happen, but in the past few weeks she had taken to turning up at tea time on her way home - which is the only time my husband gets with his child. If she calls and I am not in i or husband get texts to ask where I was. She has accused me (half jokingly I think) of hiding from her, because she had seen the pram in the house (we hadn't taken it).

To give an idea last week: tues - husband got a text to say she had been round and I must have been out as pram wasn't there, she came round on weds and thurs. she wanted to spend friday with us but I already had plans for lunch. Halfway through lunch she came in the restaurant having spotted my car. Texts over the weekend asking whether we going round, text yesterday asking whether I was in. Told her I was visiting a relative - another phone call checking I was there and then she must have come round while I was in the garden as I got a text saying have had called twice as missed us.

I think that this is too much and I am actually starting to get stressed about it. When she does come round she ignores me and husband. In the past if DD has been in bed she has waltzed straight out the door saying she would return when she was up.

I know that she is genuinely excited and thrilled to have her granddaughter but I am going mad - I feel like I'm being hounded. And dreading the summer hols a she is off for 6 weeks... Am I being unreasonable to want to limit her visits ? Sorry for the long rant

OP posts:

sugarice · 25/07/2012 14:42

God yes do it now Happiest. Just imagine that festive time of the year in 5 months and the expectations from MiL if she continues to act in her current manner.

Brambule · 25/07/2012 15:03

Absolutely not unreasonable. Clearly your MIL has slightly skewed expectations that need resetting. Your H needs to have a firm but gentle word. Good luck.

Original poster

Happiestinwellybobs · 25/07/2012 15:31

Actually sugarice you made me laugh! Three years ago she threatened to disown us as we wanted to spend Christmas day by ourselves having spent Christmas eve with them!! Think we will go into hiding!

OP posts:

sugarice · 25/07/2012 15:33

Plan ahead and have Christmas abroad just the three of you!

Scaredycat3000 · 25/07/2012 16:03

Oh yes Christmas! Thankfully the IL's live a few hundred miles away, but as we where visiting for DS1's first Christmas MIL kept telling him that Father Christmas would be visiting that afternoon. She had not spoken to us about this at all and had taken it upon herself to buy a huge Santa sack and filled it ready to present as presents from Santa, WTF. The only reason I didn't go loopy was he was 9 months old and had no idea So yes you need to deal with this now.

holyfishnets · 25/07/2012 16:33

text her that it's best you organise set days/time for them as you are quite busy most of the time and struggle to deal with drop in or last min visits. Suggest say regular Thursdays to drop by when passing at tea time and regular Monday coffees at yours during the morning.

Onthebottomwithawomansweekly · 25/07/2012 16:41

You definitely need to have The Talk, and your DH needs to back you up.

One tip I read here that sounded genius was to always answer the door with your coat in your hand. If it's someone like your MIL, just say Sorry I have to go out, and go round the corner till she's gone. If it's not her, you can just say Oh I've just got in or I'm just tidying. However in your case this tip isn't going to be enough!

MeconiumHappens · 25/07/2012 17:28

jesus. i would be livid! Dropping in when she sees you car out somewhere! thats mental! Put a stop to it now, it'll get worse andharder to address as previously said. ASk your dh to grow a pair, he should be sorting this out.

pumpkinsweetie · 25/07/2012 17:42

If she knows your number plate, she is clearly mental!!!
I don't know anyones numberplate, and if i started memorizing number plates i be worried about my sanity
Your dh needs to set boundaries and if he doesn't you must do it.
Maybe you could set a day every week/fortnight for her to come?

Original poster

Happiestinwellybobs · 25/07/2012 18:06

Just walked through the village and saw her car pulling out. Tried to make a run for it, but she saw me and pulled over to ask where I was going!! Didn't want to have The Talk in the middle of the road so will have to wait a bit longer. Thanks everyone - you have all cheered me up. Will let you know how I get on :)

OP posts:

sugarice · 25/07/2012 21:02

Good luck and stay strong, your rules remember.

Original poster

Happiestinwellybobs · 26/07/2012 20:43

Okay - those who said it will be a difficult conversation!? An underestimation to say the least!! Oh dear - she let loose with bitch mode!! I stayed civil as DD was there - she didn't. Apparently I was beyond rude not to have invited her to stay for lunch when she came in whilst I was having lunch with my mum. I am difficult because I don't invite her to my house and clearly want to be by myself. When I said that family was important to me she eye rolled!! How I didn't kick her ass out of my house I do not know!!

So the problem has been solved - she won't be coming round :) but I think the saga will continue. Needless to say I'm on the wine :)

OP posts:

Bigtrousers · 26/07/2012 21:24

So brilliant that you set the boundaries. I have an enormous amount of sympathy. I am trying to set boundaries in a similar situation to yours but 2 years on, and I SO wish I had done what you just did. Not doing so has had a huge impact on our little family. Well done again - fantastic.

julieann42 · 26/07/2012 21:25

Enjoy the wine! You did well to have the talk! I suspect as you say the saga will continue but for now at least you know you have tried!

pumpkinsweetie · 26/07/2012 22:27

Well done op, hopefully she will now listen and stick to the boundaries set.
If not, close your blinds, lock your doors just to get some peace!

CommaChameleon · 26/07/2012 22:49

The bit about you not inviting her to your house.

Why would you invite someone who constantly, daily, invites themselves anyway?

If she is inviting herself all the time how does she think you will ever have the chance to ask her? Or feel the need to when you know she's going to turn up anyway?

My MIL used to complain about both me and her other DIL, behind our backs, because we didn't make her feel welcome enough when she came to visit. This is a woman who would definitely scale a fence if she could, she knows how to make herself welcome in someone else's house.

And this was my reply. How can you make someone feel welcome when they already have made themselves more than welcome before you get the chance? How can you welcome them at the door if they've already opened it, wandered in, helped themselves to food and drink, settled themselves on the sofa, changed the TV channel and told you that they will only stay for a few hours, until they have watched all the soaps or the film they like the look of and then "let" you have some time to yourself after they decide to leave?

How can you invite her, OP, if she just turns up daily or follows you about and stalks your car to track you down? I know about that too, mine used to sit in their car down the road watching our house for us to come back, then slowly drive up behind us and claim to have been passing. If someone isn't waiting for an invitation before they turn up anyway they can't really complain about not getting one.

Her son also lives in the house. Does she complain that he doesn't invite her enough or is it always you she blames?

CommaChameleon · 26/07/2012 22:51

By the way, I no longer see or speak to my PILs or one BIL because of their behaviour, which pushed me to illness through stress and upset.

And the other DIL has emigrated to the other side of the world along with BIL and their children, a decision she tells me was made much easier because of the way PILs have treated her in the past.

ceeveebee · 27/07/2012 00:23

This is why I am so glad we live 250 miles away from PILs and my parents. It would drive me nuts if MIL popped round on a daily basis.

Now you have had the conversation I would follow up with an invite to lunch or something and try to set a weekly 'date' where she can come round or you go to her.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2012 00:40

The advice after adoption is usually to have consistancy for at least 6 months, so sleeping at hers yet, is well to soon.

She does need to respect your boundaries as your DD will need to build up attachment and this shouldn't be taken as a joke by other family members.

You putting bounderies in place, over every issue and everyone sticking to them will build up your DD's feeling of security and stability.

If she is interfering with the routine that you are building up, in any way, she has to be told by both of you to back off.

2rebecca · 27/07/2012 08:20

I think it's hard to tell people to step back and give you space without transiently upsetting them. Ideally your husband would have done it but men often wimp out on confrontations.
In the long term things should be better as if her visits are planned in advance you won't dread her suddenly appearing and staying for hours. It's nice she wants to be involved but you still have a right to your own life and privacy when you have children. I never had the constant popping round thing but would have hated it.

sugarice · 27/07/2012 08:24

Well done for staying dignified in the face of MiL's self entitled rage! Hope things settle down for you, dh and baby. Stay strong.

Original poster

Happiestinwellybobs · 27/07/2012 12:58

Thanks everyone - I have a feeling this is only just the beginning of a new drama though.... I clearly had missed all the issues that she and my FIL have with me and about our DD - although she refuses to tell me what they are!!

OP posts:

sugarice · 27/07/2012 13:10

I would hazard a guess that she won't be able to stay away for long, I bet your dh will start receiving calls about her being "frozen out". I hope your dh can cope with the inevitable emotional blackmail. Good luck.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 27/07/2012 20:10

I think you should phone her.

"MIL I've been thinking about what you said about not inviting you to my house. You're right. So, I'm inviting you to lunch next Wednesday, at 12:30. ... No, we won't be seeing you at all before then, it isn't convenient. ... If you don't want to come on Wednesday, that's fine too, it is your choice, just don't say that I never invite you "

And yes, I agree your dh needs to be prepared for the phonecalls. You might want to rehearse a few lines with him! Along the lines of "I agree with My Wife" and "Don't speak about My Wife like that".

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