my 13 year old keep stealing from me, I've told him he cant go on his school trip

[woahthere]

For the past year my son has I suspect been taking money. The past 6 months we have known for definite that he has been. He takes money from the side, from my room, sometimes from our wallets, even from his little brothers money box. I am so absolutely sick of it. When it happens he gets an absolute bollocking and a privilege taken away such as laptop or i - pod or both! Sometimes I know he has taken the money and I give him a chance to admit it but he always lies. I have explained to him how much it is affecting me and us as a family, I've asked him to try and explain why he does it. He has no explanation and cant give any good reason for it. He was doing it so much I told him that if it continued to happen then his trip would be cancelled. Well he has done it again, and again another time so I have told him that he cannot go on his trip. I will lose the 100 pound deposit I put down for it, but I dont feel like I can justify nearly 400 pounds on a child that continually takes the piss. If anyone knows anything else I can do, then please help because Im seriously at my wits end. We are really low on money at the moment because I am self employed and having a bad time at the moment, so every penny really does count, and twice now Ive actually been in the situation wherby Ive been late for things because Ive had to go to the cashpoint to get more money to replace the money that he stole. He does get pocket money, but the problem is, that because he keeps stealing, he keeps not getting the money...but aside from that, if he wants to go to the cinema with his friends we give him money, or if he wants to go into town, so its not as though he gets nothing, so I just dont understand why he does it. He only buys crappy things like sweets with it anyway.

gosh, that's one heck of a school trip. i thought it would be a day out...
you are sure it is him?
have you talked to your gp? counselling might help him.
i'm sorry you're in this situation. i can see that you have to take action that he will notice.

I think you have to stick with the decision and not send him on the trip.

I have to ask why, when you know he is an opportunist thief, do you leave money lying around?

I dont have any words of wisdom but i do know how you feel. My nearly 17 year old son steals money from me. I have a pot where all spare change is put in and it can mount up to over £100, and he takes money from that - bet the shops love him with a load of 20ps. If change is left on the side he takes some of it.

Money has gone missing from his brothers, DS2 had his birthday money behind the clock in the living room and £10 went missing.

Ds has always denied it but I know it his him, I deduct the amount missing from his pocket money and rant at him.

As far as I know he has never taken any money out of my purse. he just seems to go for loose change as he thinks you wont notice it.

But I think you have done the right thing about not letting him go on the trip.

Put the responsibility on his shoulders though. Tell him he decided that the school trip was off when he decided to steal again.

I hope that this gives him the shock he needs. But if he needs more, may I suggest selling his stuff? Sell his phone, sell his laptop (or at least hide them in someone else's house and pretend to him they have been sold!) In order to pay you back the money he owes you. He has to lose stuff. Really feel some painful consequences. also perhaps grounding him?

I would also agree with lovebunny that some outside help might be in order to try to get to the bottom of why he's doing this. Break the cycle of it.

And don't leave money lying around. Don't leave your bank cards where he can get them. If this means keeping them on your person at all times, then that's what you have to do.

I keep meaning to be more vigilant about the money squeakytoy, but Im just not anal enough. Sometimes boyfriend leaves money for me on the side before he goes to work. We dont leave money hanging around as we used to, and so he has taken to stealing from wallets and money boxes that arent his. We have now got a money box for his little brother that you have to open with a tin opener to get the money out!

That was me 33 years ago.
I'd take small amounts of money to buy rubbish -sweets, make-up.

When I was in secondary I had friends who had cash to splash, I suppose it was jealousy.They had horses, I had a riding lesson every 2 weeks (petty when I look back).

Of course I got caught. Had my pocket money stopped (we didn't have school trips in my day).

TBH you need to pre-empt him and keep all the money out of his reach.

I would never have even thought about shop lifting or stealing from friends, just my mum.

Could he earn money for chores? (He's too young for a job at the moment I think)

You say he loses a privilege and gets a bollocking every time he does it- but if he's repeating the offence then clearly your punishment isn't working.
I think you need to come down much harder on him.
What is he spending the money on? Ground him indefinitely until things improve. I'd sell something of his to make up for the £100 you will lose due to his trip. And sell something/remove something permanently every single time he steals.
You sound way too soft.

I would stop giving any money , no trips to cinema or into town. I wouldnt let him go on his trip either.

He's 13. You say that if he wants to go to the cinema, you fund those trips out, and that he also receives pocket money (when not being withheld as a result of his stealing). What could he possibly need the money for? Have you noticed new belongings in his room?

Could he be being bullied?

Thanks 70, I thought of the job thing and have got him one for 2 weeks over the holidays looking after a neighbours dog for a sizeable amount of money i have to say! I thought that the prospect of this, and giving him a sense of pride of earning his own money would be enough to stop him, but today he stole again :(

I keep meaning to be more vigilant about the money squeakytoy, but Im just not anal enough. If I knew somebody was stealing from me, I'd be getting a bloody safe installed! Seriously, why are you enabling this? What Squeaky has suggested is not anal, it's good parenting.

My son (16) did this for a while last year. From the side, m purse, DD's money boxes and finally on my card.

Initially i stopped pocket money, then phone credit, until the bits were paid back. when it made little difference to him dong it again, I stopped leaving money around, carried my purse with me all the time, had a running total written on stickers on the side of DD's money boxes so it could be checked regularly, made him come with me and DD's everytime we had to leave the house, and advertised his laptop, violin and DS for sale after the card incident. I also sat him down and discussed the family budget with him, explaining that because money was missing we would be missing out on biscuits, crisps and cola from next weeks shopping (all of which affected him way more than me or the dd's) And, the one which I think made the most difference was worked out a mutually agreed chore list which he could do for extra pocket money. (cut the grass, clean out the chickens, weed the veg patch etc) I am a single parent, and also self employed so I know how tight money can be, he is getting really good a grass cutting.

He is actually really pretty trustworthy now, but it has taken a lot of hard work to get there. I am contemplating leaving him at home on his own for a night soon while I take DD's for a sleepover, 9 months ago I would never have even considered that.

i realise its not working fairyfriend (duh). I am trying all the things I think i should be doing, but obviously I havent sussed all aspects of parenting. How much harder can I be. Sometimes it gets to the point where I have banned all privileges, but then it becomes this horrid thing, where because he has nothing to lose, he gets worse... I dont want him to feel like there is no point being good, because hes permanently lost things. No cinema or anything will be allowed for a while for sure. The problem with grounding him is that then i have a moody teenageer skulking around the house, and now its summer holidays, this will leave me tearing my hair out! He was sent to bed early tonight when I found out about the stealing though.
As for the stuff he is buying, it is literally just food items such as sweets, fizzy drinks and general crap.

maybe i should msvestibule, but this is my home and my family, and i want to trust them to be able to leave a few quid hanging around every now and then. i dont live my life like a military operation, life is busy, and sometimes i forget.

My dd did this for a while when she was in the last year of primary school. She would take £1 or £2 at a time from the pot we had for bus fares/parking. It took us quite a long time for us to notice as I thought dp was taking it and he thought I was taking it. In fact we only noticed when I found the stash of rubbish in her bedroom and questioned how she had all those chocolate/sweets wrappers as i know she didn't get enough pocket money for all of it. I was really worried she'd been shoplifting, so stealing from us seemed like a bit of a relief although I didn't even hint that's what I felt to her. I also worried that she might have an eating disorder as there was so much junk food that she'd been eating in secret.

What we did was avoid blowing up. I'm not entirely sure how I did that but I remained very calm throughout it all. I had a VERY long talk to her about why she'd done it, how much she thought she'd taken, etc. She then had no pocket money for months in order to pay it back to us, she also had extra chores to earn the money to pay for it, she had no days out to cinema etc or trips into town with friends until it was paid back completely. We stopped leaving any money where she could get it, dd2's money box was changed to one with a key which I kept hidden, all change was kept in pockets/wallets which were kept hidden from her. She did get to go on the school trip we'd already paid for but missed out on Guide camp that year as we 'couldn't afford' to pay the deposit in time because she'd stolen from us. She's now finished year 7 and hasn't stolen from us again (she has shown questionable judgement about other things though). We're back to being fairly open with our money again now too.

If this is an ongoing problem though I would second the suggestions to get outside help for this. I would normally recommend speaking to the school as the pastoral staff/ school nurse may be able to help but during the holidays the gp would probably be my first port of call.

I can sympathize. I went through this with my twelve year old ds a few months ago,he would go for money lying about at my house and his dads car. He stole from my purse twice too.

You must remove the temptation, keep all purses and wallets on you at all times. I wouldnt be funding any cinema trips either and I would certainly sell his belongings to make up what he has nicked from you.

Is there anything else going on with him that you dont know about possibly? Someone mentioned bullying. Is he frustrated about something or unhappy.

My ds was angry over a few things that was happening at home and at his dads which came out as theft, he has stopped the stealing now but I dont trust him, I still sleep with my purse under my pillow and for ages I walked round with it shoved down my bra.

but this is my home and my family, and i want to trust them to be able to leave a few quid hanging around every now and then. i dont live my life like a military operation, life is busy, and sometimes i forget.

Honestly, I do get this, I know what an awful situation this must be for you. But you know you can't trust him and you're putting temptation in his way, which is not going to help. Surely it's not that difficult to put a lock on a cupboard and always keep your purse in it? Hopefully Froggie's story will help. Good luck.

Is the GP the person to talk to then? I would like some help I think as sometimes lately I feel like hitting him. I dont want to lose control like this and genuinely dont know what to do. The ting is, he doesnt seem to know why he does it, and I can see that he gets angry with himself afterwards. Itsa like a compulsion he cant stop, and the same with the lying.

Are you sure you know what he's spending the money on? It sounds like he's stolen quite a lot, and that adds up to a lot of sweets.

I'd be more worried about why he's taking the money tbh.

Thirteen year olds don't just risk their iPods and computers for a few sweets. There is something else going on.

I should probably add that we worked out my dd was doing it because she was being picked on at school for being 'posh'. I have no idea why they would think she was posh as we certainly aren't but can only assume they mixed it up with being clever. She then changed school and things were better for quite a long time, then the teasing started up again and food started going missing from the kitchen, not that anything was ever rationed but she was taking it and eating it in secret again. We spoke to the school, the bullying was dealt with and she's happier again. So bullying or other issues may well be at the root of it, but figuring out what's wrong when they won't talk to you is very difficult.

I dont think he is being bullied, he appears to be popular in school. I have asked him before if everything is truly ok in school, and he insists that it is and has said Im barking up the wrong tree. Believe me, I have found a lot of sweet packets. Its not massive amounts at a time. It will be a pound here or there, or 60p, today it was 3 pound. Enough to buy a little bit at a time. My son is probably not as posh as his mates to be honest. Most seem more wealthy than us really, but I personally dont think this should be an issue. The food going missing from the kitchen happens a lot as well with us. He is a big lad (not overweight big) and needs lots of food, and I dont have an issue with him eating lots, but he does just take stuff and then grrrrrrrrrrrrr annoys the crap out of me....empty packets left in situ!!!!!!

I don't know anything about children (pity my poor child!) but I'm getting the feeling that there's more to it than the money. Maybe it's a control thing, maybe he's got unresolved frustrations about family life/school/whatever, maybe he's just plain overwhelmed at being where he's at right now, maybe he's being bullied, but whatever it is I think there's more to it than nicking cash. He can't recognise it, if he could, he wouldn't be stealing. The punishments and the 'shame' of it aren't stopping him.

If I was in this situation, I would try to think about it differently, having come to the conclusion you have; that the current punishments aren't working and he might end up with nothing left to lose, I'd try to go lateral on the problem. What is bothering this kid? Could it be an attention thing, he's got a younger sibling? I'd try to step back from my puzzlement and anger and frustration, and think more broadly about where he's at in his life, what could be going on for him in his life that is not immediately obvious, or that isn't being addressed/expressed.

I'd try to do this with the punishments too. Is there any 'public service' stuff he could do, like walk dogs at a shelter, or raise money for charity, or take his little brother to the park, or cut a neighbour's grass? People could be told he hasn't been behaving well (but not what in particular), and this is part of him making amends. I'm just putting out ideas. They might not be suitable for you and your family situation, but maybe there are different ways of dealing with him that will have some impact on his behaviour; as you've said, the approach up to now isn't working for you, or him.

It's a bloody hard one. I really hope I never have to deal with this, and I feel for everyone who is/has.

Mine still does the raiding the cupboard thing, and he spent most of he cash he took on snacks, sweets, fizzy pop too. It is scarily easy to spend huge amounts every day, if buying this sort of crap before school, at break/lunch time and/or after school. And if other kids at school are eating this stuff, he probably sees nothing wrong with doing the same and at 13 many kids just don't consider the long ranging consequences. Mum and dad have always provided before, why shouldn't they now? It is very difficult to get it through to them that they cannot just take take take, especially if his peers appear to have more free cash, he may feel he needs to 'keep up with he jonses'

You could try including some of this crap in your weekly shop as part of his pocket money (when he gets i again) and set aside shelf space for him, If he has a supply of it he is less likely to take money from you to buy it during the day. Much though i truly hate my ds eating crap, sometimes you need to assess which battle is important in the long run.

I do think it is important to find out why he feels he needs to buy this stuff (rather than asking him wh he steals the money, which is more likely to make him defensive) so that you can work n the underlining issues.