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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

my 13 year old keep stealing from me, I've told him he cant go on his school trip

40 replies

woahthere · 23/07/2012 22:18

For the past year my son has I suspect been taking money. The past 6 months we have known for definite that he has been. He takes money from the side, from my room, sometimes from our wallets, even from his little brothers money box. I am so absolutely sick of it. When it happens he gets an absolute bollocking and a privilege taken away such as laptop or i - pod or both! Sometimes I know he has taken the money and I give him a chance to admit it but he always lies. I have explained to him how much it is affecting me and us as a family, I've asked him to try and explain why he does it. He has no explanation and cant give any good reason for it. He was doing it so much I told him that if it continued to happen then his trip would be cancelled. Well he has done it again, and again another time so I have told him that he cannot go on his trip. I will lose the 100 pound deposit I put down for it, but I dont feel like I can justify nearly 400 pounds on a child that continually takes the piss. If anyone knows anything else I can do, then please help because Im seriously at my wits end. We are really low on money at the moment because I am self employed and having a bad time at the moment, so every penny really does count, and twice now Ive actually been in the situation wherby Ive been late for things because Ive had to go to the cashpoint to get more money to replace the money that he stole. He does get pocket money, but the problem is, that because he keeps stealing, he keeps not getting the money...but aside from that, if he wants to go to the cinema with his friends we give him money, or if he wants to go into town, so its not as though he gets nothing, so I just dont understand why he does it. He only buys crappy things like sweets with it anyway.

OP posts:
PinsAndNoodles · 23/07/2012 23:26

I stole from my Dad for years Blush

hiltontribe · 23/07/2012 23:30

I would defimnitely speak to your GP.
I know he will be off school at the moment but could you speak to his head of year/pastoral manager/progress leader in September?

I know the high schools and academies in my local area have a PCSO, Youth Worker, CAMHS (Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service), Emotional Well-being worker who is dedicated to that particular school. Schools in my area also have support from Educational Psychologists & Clinical Psychologists as well as a wealth of agencies for sexual health, alcohol use, drug use, youth offending etc.

School may be able to provide support, or may have noticed something going on (someone mentioned bullying earlier).

nothingoldcanstay · 23/07/2012 23:32

I think perhaps they don't clock what a big deal it is. You'refamily and therefore on some level it's theirs too? Perhaps make a really big deal of being broke rather than going back to the cashpoint. Less food, turn the lights off at 10.30 to save money, cheap and nasty loo roll- really worry them!

lovebunny · 23/07/2012 23:37

that provision sounds very familiar, hiltontribe.

Naoko · 24/07/2012 00:09

I agree you need to figure out why. If he's 'keeping up with the Joneses', what is he worried will happen if he doesn't? Even if he's not being bullied, there could be an insecurity/confidence issue. On another tack, I assume he does get (occasional, reasonalble quantities of) snack food and 'treats' at home? And that his pocket money (when he's getting it) is a reasonable amount? I'm asking because my DP's parents, who are well meaning but hopelessly out of touch with the real world and have from his stories been such all through his childhood, thought that 50p a week was a generous amount of pocket money for a 16 year old less than a decade ago, and their idea of snack food is sharing a single multipack bag of crisps between them on a Sunday night. It's lead to some issues with DP not knowing what is and isn't reasonable, both on a snack and money front. That wouldn't make stealing right or reasonable, of course, but it's worth looking at - does your DS somehow feel you're being unreasonable (even if you aren't)?

If he's just doing it because he can, then by all means come down on him like a ton of bricks. But if there's a deeper issue, you need to fix, as well as punish.

cece · 24/07/2012 00:32

Info sheet

HecateHarshPants · 24/07/2012 07:12

You may want to be able to trust him. I want to be 5ft10 and a size 8 Grin

Want to is irrelevant. With the best will in the world, it is. You have to deal with the situation as it is. You have someone who is stealing from you. You have the ability to safeguard your money. If you choose to not do that, then you make that choice knowing that the result will be that some of your money will go missing.

You may just have to go 'military' in the short term if you want to crack this.

olibeansmummy · 24/07/2012 07:31

Sorry no advice as we're in the same situation with Dss (12) but he doesn't just steal money he steals ds's toys, trinkets, sweets/ chocolates that have been given to a specific person as a present, pens and stuff from school etc.

It's horrible having someone you can't trust in the house isn't it as you can't hide everything :(

Dss also scammed us out of £2-£3 a week for 6 months by telling us he needed dinner money when he was on free school meals. It wasn't the amount that was so annoying it was the sneakiness and the lies he told to cover his tracks :(

We tried to deal with it by giving him pocket money for doing a job in the house so he'd have his own money, which started a while after we found out so he didn't feel rewarded for his behaviour, but it doesn't appear to have made a difference.

griphook · 24/07/2012 08:30

I used to steal from my dad every day to pay for my fags! From started when I was about 12

Karma certainly is real, came back and but me on my arse. My Dss would steal from us all the time. We decided to hide all money and anything valuable, he wasn't allowed in our room.

Tbh I became more resentful of the fact that I was hiding my stuff on my own home that really got to me. He would also deny it was him again this made it worse

Yanbu to not let him go on the trip, think its a good punishment.

griphook · 24/07/2012 08:32

He would also steal food chocolate mainly and hide the wrappers under his bed

Fluffy1234 · 24/07/2012 08:40

Woahthere- how much pocket money does he get each week.
I had a similar problem with my son. At first he denied taking the money and then we started writing down how much money was in the change pot etc and he admitted it. Turned out he was going to the shop each day after school and buying a bottle of soft drink because he was thirsty. So we started giving him some money for a drink plus an extra drink to take to school and it doesn't seemed to have happened since.
It is very difficult to deal with as none of my mum friends seemed to have the same problem or if they did they keep it quiet.

HellonHeels · 24/07/2012 09:58

You mention your boyfriend - do you live together, how does your DS feel about that, does he see his dad, what is home life like for him generally? Does he shine at anything? What do you see his 'role' as in the family?

My take on it is that he may be stealing to fill something that's missing (not materially, emotionally). Would that suggestion have any resonance for you OP?

jamdonut · 24/07/2012 10:29

When I was 17 my parents divorced. My mum's boyfriend moved in (they married fairly soon after). But before that, I used to steal loose change from a tin he kept by his bedside. I guess I thought he wouldn't notice, but eventually I was confronted about it. I never did anything like that again!

I don't really know why I did it, but I guess subconsciously I was furious with them both for our household breaking up. I had an uneasy relationship with him for years...until my mum died 2 years ago (I'm 47 now). Now we get on. Probably because with both lost the person we loved. Sad

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 24/07/2012 10:43

YANBU to cancel the trip, especially if he's been warned about it

I see what other posters are saying about not leaving money around, but it's sometimes it's hard not to, if he will take from wallets and money boxes then it's difficult to keep everything hidden. I guess id also be uncomfortable with knowing that he was only not stealing because he couldn't iyswim

I hope you can get to the bottom of it op

altinkum · 24/07/2012 10:48

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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