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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my mum what to feed ds when she looks after him for nothing while I work?

55 replies

Shutupanddrive · 23/07/2012 21:37

DS1 is short for his age (6) and we are seeing a pediatrician for this. He is also getting quite fat. My mum has him 3 days a week for me (sometimes more) while I work. DP works away all week so it's a great help for me. I have spoken to her before about not letting him have too many treats, he is a fussy eater but will quite happily eat cheese on everything, pizza, chocolate etc. I feel like I need to put my foot down as I know he is getting crap while I'm not there. I have tried upping his exercise (buying a trampoline, swimming lessons, playing out with footballs etc) but it doesn't seem to be having much effect
It would break my heart if he was bullied/hated the way he looks when he is older and im scared if he is like this at 6 what will he be like at 10/11 when he starts thinking about body image. I don't believe that any 6yr old should be on a diet but I really need to take control of this. Any suggestions appreciated!

OP posts:

Annunziata · 23/07/2012 21:38

It's your responsibility to feed your son well, you can't blame his weight on your mum. Is making him a packed lunch not an option?

McHappyPants2012 · 23/07/2012 21:39

if you mum is not taking this serious you have 3 choices. A) do him a packed lunch to take to your mum B) pay for alternative childcare c) grin and bear it

WilsonFrickett · 23/07/2012 21:41

Book a drs appt for you and your mum and get it from the doctors mouth. Do it in a way that makes her feel part of the team IYSWIM - 'we're both responsible for feeding DS so we need to work together to sort these issues out, let's go and get some proper advice from the docs together and then work out some sort of plan together'.

McPhee · 23/07/2012 21:42

Provide a meal yourself - job done.

DilysPrice · 23/07/2012 21:43

Could you get either a referral to a dietician or at least a letter from the paediatrician? Try presenting it as a joint problem that the doctor has diagnosed and that you need to work as a team to solve, rather than blaming her.

Original poster

Shutupanddrive · 23/07/2012 21:44

I do feed him well. The only snacks between meals are fruit, if he doesn't finish his dinner with veg there is nothing else, only allowed orange juice in the morning after that it's water. An example is when I have been around to my mums ds had a slice of cake (quite large, would have been plenty for me) and I had to stop her giving him another slice! This is before I took him home for his tea. If I keep a food diary for a week of everything he eats and drink maybe you could all tell me where I am going wrong. His appetite is huge and seems to be getting out of control.

OP posts:

DilysPrice · 23/07/2012 21:44

Ah, x-post with Wilson: we're both right

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 23/07/2012 21:45

I don't think the OP is blaming her mum, I read it as there is a problem that she is solving and her mum isn't helping the solution.

I second what wilson said :-)

maddening · 23/07/2012 21:47

let your mum know that you are serious about removing him from her care and paying for an alternative - if she still can't follow your instruction then follow through - she is getting to enjoy time with her gc and it's natural to want to spoil them but that's ok once or twice a month - on a regular basis she needs to fall in line with your routine - yes an occasional treat is allowed.

You do need to take control as he needs consistency if his eating habits are to change 3 days is a large portion of his week - and his parents never get to spoil him as they try and balance out 3 days of eating crap.

onepieceofcremeegg · 23/07/2012 21:47

I have a similar situation, both of my children are "good eaters" and prone to being slightly overweight if not kept an eye on. Also my parents have disabilities which make it more tricky for them to supervise adequate exercise for the children when they look after them.

My mum is a big fan of "treats" and thinks everyone needs lots of protein (so she will give them loads of cheese for example)

What helped a bit for us was giving our children lots of healthy (often expensive) treats at home, and my mum would observe this and seems to buy some of the same items now. For example she will treat them to fresh raspberries, innocent smoothies etc. And I said (diplomatically) that the children like bread, but only one slice if they are having other stuff with a sandwich, not 3-4 slices (which is true anyway).

anditwasallyellow · 23/07/2012 21:48

Yanbu I think your mum should support you in taking care of your sons health. She is doing you a big favour but it still doesn't mean that she shouldnt' support you in making your ds have healthy food and portion sizes. She may not see it as a big problem so agree with the posters who suggested taking ehr to a doctors appointment.

onepieceofcremeegg · 23/07/2012 21:50

OP this sounds very familiar. I think my mum also remembers feeling deprived (post war, low income family) and desperately wants to treat her dgc all the time. Trouble is, some children put too much weight on and it's not healthy. My mum is the same with me and dh too, but of course we are more able to limit ourselves than the children. :)

Original poster

Shutupanddrive · 23/07/2012 21:50

Thank you, that is a good idea about the doctors appointment. Next time he has to see the pediatrician I will take her along as she doesn't seem to take it seriously. I'm not blaming her, I just need her to take it more seriously as she likes to spoil him (like most grandparents)

OP posts:

boredandrestless · 23/07/2012 21:51

If your mum won't listen then you will have to look at paying for childcare - tell her so too so she knows you are serious. It does sound like she is giving him too much of the wrong stuff. Try getting her onside and make her part of it. Tell her she can show how much she loves him by taking him to the nearest park for a run about, or giving him healthy snacks rather than big slices of cake.

However: please look at your portion sizes. My friend's DS is very large. He's 7 now and gets very upset about his size. He has much, much bigger portions than my DS. Some people can just eat and eat (I'm one of them ) and kids like this need their portions controlled for them.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 23/07/2012 21:51

This is super sneaky so I don't know if you would want to,

Could you type out a "meal plan template" that the doctor gave you that he has to follow for medical reasons?

You could even photocopy it onto headed paper from an old doctors letter.

WilsonFrickett · 23/07/2012 21:51

Yes we are right Dilys

I meant to say I really sympathise with you OP, the amount of food my DS eats at the GPs is horrifying - but hes only there once a fortnight.

To those saying provide a packed lunch - I bet the GPs would still keep stuffing him with treats too, so it wouldn't solve the problem.

MammaTJ · 23/07/2012 21:52

Gran/Nans job is to spoil the child!! You need to ensure she is going to switch to mum mode when looking after him!! If she is not doing that, then you know you need to do more tonteach her this!!

onepieceofcremeegg · 23/07/2012 21:53

Yes, was just going to come back and mention portion sizes. I'm not necessarily a fan of little individual packets, but my mum loves the "treat" aspect of them. Little packets of raisins, babybels, little packs of cereal, lots of things are very handily packaged. Just suggestions, obviously.

Rubirosa · 23/07/2012 21:56

I would have thought cheese is a healthier snack than Innocent smoothies onepiece! Don't they have as much sugar as a can of coke?

Original poster

Shutupanddrive · 23/07/2012 22:01

Thankyou so much for the advice. I am going to keep a diary of what I give him to eat/drink for a week and of what he has had in my mums and hopefully I can make some changes for the better. I don't deny him occasional treats but keep them small. I honestly don't know if it is something medical or something that I'm just not seeing. He is not the most active child! Ds2 is the total opposite doesn't stop running around and will quite happily live on strawberries and carrots! But he is at home with me a lot more

OP posts:

shockers · 23/07/2012 22:02

My DD was on school dinners. We found out that she was just having cheese and bread every day. I asked the school to monitor this (she was 12, but at a special school), which they promised to do. She grew fatter and fatter even though her diet at home was healthy. She developed cellulite on her thighs, her tummy looked like dough and she started to get body odour.

We changed onto packed lunches and 6 months later she's back to her beautiful healthy self.

She still eats cheese, just not every day.

Completely agree with onepiece about changing the perception of what constitutes a treat. Ours love berries, pea pods to pop (in season), courgette, carrot, cucumber sticks with humous, that kind of thing.

I hope you manage to convince your Mum, it's a little change that can make such a big difference. I think taking her with you on an appointment might be the solution.

quoteunquote · 23/07/2012 22:02

Op, I not want to sound in anyway that I am getting at you, please don't take this in anyway as critical,

trampoline, swimming lessons, playing out with footballs

that's a start on the exercise, but not nearly enough,

he needs to be in the pool every day not just for lessons, cycling every day, couple of dog walks (borrow one, most dogs in this country are under walked)

do you have any climbing walls near you? Beaches?

just make lots of healthy food available and no rubbish, and don't make an issue of it.

but the key to healthy body is exercise, lots and lots of it, if you want him to do naturally then the exercise must be fun, so he wants to do it all the time.

onepieceofcremeegg · 23/07/2012 22:02

Rubirose yes I am sure they do, but they have less sugar than 4 french fancies or a couple of jam doughnuts.

Original poster

Shutupanddrive · 23/07/2012 22:08

quoteunquote yes we do have a dog and he has a bike. I appreciate your comments though as I think we could probably increase that side of it too. I think he is just naturally lazy, I say we are going outside and he will sit and play with something rather than run around. I have to time him to run to the goal post and back or see how high he can bounce!

OP posts:

treadonthecracks · 23/07/2012 22:10

YANBU as you are concerned with very real health issues for your DS

Can you go on the NHS website (maybe with your mum) and put in his height and weight, then read the report that it gives you if he is overweight. It warns of heart problems and all sorts of frightening things.

I had to do this with my ds (now 5), who came up as obese, it was the shock I personally needed to really get portion size under control.

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