To tell my mum what to feed ds when she looks after him for nothing while I work?

[Shutupanddrive]

DS1 is short for his age (6) and we are seeing a pediatrician for this. He is also getting quite fat. My mum has him 3 days a week for me (sometimes more) while I work. DP works away all week so it's a great help for me. I have spoken to her before about not letting him have too many treats, he is a fussy eater but will quite happily eat cheese on everything, pizza, chocolate etc. I feel like I need to put my foot down as I know he is getting crap while I'm not there. I have tried upping his exercise (buying a trampoline, swimming lessons, playing out with footballs etc) but it doesn't seem to be having much effect
It would break my heart if he was bullied/hated the way he looks when he is older and im scared if he is like this at 6 what will he be like at 10/11 when he starts thinking about body image. I don't believe that any 6yr old should be on a diet but I really need to take control of this. Any suggestions appreciated!

Thankyou treadonthecracks I will do that, that's a great suggestion. I think I need to shock my mum to get the point across. And myself to get serious too

send a packed lunch or much smaller portions. also show mum some info on childhood obesity and talk to her about how if she really loves him, she would want him to be healthy

Mine would be huge and very fat with the amount they eat, but because they are on the go all day they burn it off,

I've never limited intake, bung it all on the table, they help themselves, we eat a lot of vegetable , but only because we always have a glut of stuff to be eaten,

mine spend a lot of time on bikes, skateboards, skates, climbing trees, building dens,felling trees the rest of the time they spend in water, surfing/body boarding which is brilliant for fitness, kayaking is another brilliant way to have fun, everywhere in the UK has water,

Judo is another fabulous fun way to get very sweaty as a child, mine are totally done in afterwards and love it,

my eleven year old would lie around strumming a guitar if the exercise wasn't inspiring,

google bike polo, good fun

Quote - bike polo sounds fab, will look at that. Just wondering does doing all that cost a bomb?

I think you need to be prepared to pay for childcare where you can call the shots. This is too important an issue to mess about with.
I feel sorry for grandparents who provide free care Because there must be a conflict of interests. Even when they are happy to do it, there is tension between the idea that as granny, they'd like to be able to spoil the child a bit, and the fact that they are taking on part of the day to day responsibility. She just isn't going to see the issue as you do. She wants to be granny, someone who doesn't have to be the firm one, saying no to cake or treats, and this would be ok if it were an oocasional thing, just not when it's several times a week when she's providing childcare.

Difficult one. You could try to involve her more in the medical side, but I'm guessing she probably just wants to be granny, and will resent feeling that she's being pulled into the tougher side of having to set firm boundaries, when she's doing you a favour

I think this thread is a good warning to 'start off as you mean to go on' and has definitely made me think.

If my DM is ever responsible for DD on a regular basis I feel she would also spoil her (I have seen how she treats me, DH and our dog!) so would probably leave a packed lunch and healthy snacks with a breezy "I am leaving this so you don't have to worry about making her things" type attitude.

It is tricky when grandparents provide childcare.

It's one thing if a grandparent 'treats' a child they baby sit occasionally - no one really minds pizza for tea now and again. It's only a problem when they provide childcare for a working parent.

I think that taking your mum to the drs is a good idea, but I also think you both need to sit down and establish some guidelines. And then accept that if your mum doesn't follow the agreed guidelines, you will have to find a paid alternative.

There are usually issues like this when gps provide childcare. Yes gps love to spoil their gcs. However if its contributing to the childs weight problem, the it needs sorting. the quick solution would be to pay for childcare.
But if you want/need you mum to continue looking after ds, I think you should sit her down and explain what you have put in youur OP. I would also involve her in medical appointments, as pp suggested. Yes you can provide a packed lunch, but that wouldn't stop her giving him cakes and biscuits all day so its important she is involved and understands the problem.
I think he also need to be more active, I know you have increased the activities he does. But what does he do at your mums? Is she able to take him for a walk, to the park etc.
DD can over eat if we let her. My mum takes her to her caravan some weekends and has her 1 day a week in the school holidays (at my mums request). Luckily mum is really into children eating healthy and excerising, so i don't have to worry that when dd is with her all our hard work is undone.
Mum used to have her 3 days a week before she started school and we always discussed this type of thing. Me and mum looked at it as we were all responsible for her diet at certain times of the week. Me and dh got the final say in what she had, mum was always willing to go by what we said in terms of food. We did have issues with her in other areas where she thought she got the final say, though. :)

My DD1 has type 1 diabetes so although she isn't on a special diet we do have to watch how much carbs she is consuming, I had a bit of a hard time with my DM giving huge treats and her blood sugar being dead high when DD came home. I invited her to diabetes clinic one day and a good chat with the paediatric dietician really helped, she carb counts and controls portions now. Maybe if she is involved in childcare get her involved with the medical side of things too, then she is hearing first hand what must be done to ensure your DSs health x

My DD1 has type 1 diabetes so although she isn't on a special diet we do have to watch how much carbs she is consuming, I had a bit of a hard time with my DM giving huge treats and her blood sugar being dead high when DD came home. I invited her to diabetes clinic one day and a good chat with the paediatric dietician really helped, she carb counts and controls portions now. Maybe if she is involved in childcare get her involved with the medical side of things too, then she is hearing first hand what must be done to ensure your DSs health x

What kind of grandparent is so thick and selfish that they will put their own desire to spoil a grandchild ahead of that child's health?

That's not love.

I think that's a bit harsh, AThing.

It's not about being selfish, it's about a blurring of the boundaries. Everyone says the joy of being a grandparent is having the fun and a good relationship without the day to day responsibility. A bit of spoiling now and then comes with the territory. If as a parent you are going to use the grandparents for regular childcare, then you need to accept that things may not happen as they would with regulated paid care.

I'm not proposing gp's should have carte blanche to do whatever they like and ignore the parents wishes- just there needs to be some give and take, Because at the end of the day, the parents are choosing the set up because it has a huge financial benefit to them.

I agree with the poster who said you need to thrash out the details before entering into this sort of thing, and be prepared to stand firm and organise alternative care if necessary.

FWIW I have a few colleagues who use / have used grannies for childcare, and most of them have had some gripe, often over treats and meals. Where I've seen it work best, is with a friend of mine; her mum looks after the grandchildren a few days a week but is very disciplined about it and far more like a parent than granny. Even in that situation, the grandmother and kids are missing out on the 'granny' role though, so it's not ideal

OP are you absolutely sure he eats healthily at home?

You say, I do feed him well. The only snacks between meals are fruit, if he doesn't finish his dinner with veg there is nothing else, only allowed orange juice in the morning after that it's water

So how is he getting fat? Surely it can't be just the few days he spends with your Mum?

Shutup I feel for you and your DC. I think you're thinking in the long-term and you're right to. My nephew, who spends a lot of time with me, had a similar problem. Could I offer a couple of suggestions?

I would basically cut out the snacks, except for one snack in the afternoon about 3-4pm just to tide them over til dinner. Kids don't need to be shoving food in their gobs all the time, even healthy food. They should be genuinely hungry when they sit down to dinner. I let my DCs start with a veg course - a small salad, or a bowl of peas or broad beans that she shells, or some cherry tomatoes, carrots whatever. Then give them a reasonable portion (not small, not enormous) of tasty food - whether it be pasta, fish or meat based dish. I think you're absolutely correct in not wanting to make an issue out of this, and you don't want to go down the "forbidden food" road, or do calorie counting. It's not right at this age.

Also, and this was just something I noticed with my nephew... does he eat really fast? Like not tasting, just shovelling? Dnephew ate about three times as fast as anyone else. I think physiologically he simply didn't feel satisfied because their wasn't time for the brain to register this - does that make sense? Anyway, we spent time encouraging him to slow down, put his fork down, make conversation, relax, and it really made a difference. He tastes his food now, and eats less because he's satisfied with less.

Finally, get your DC walking. To the shops, around the block, to the next bus stop etc. It all adds up on the energy burning, and for a "lazy" kid, this might be the best option to start with.

Good luck, OP!

"Everyone says the joy of being a grandparent is having the fun and a good relationship without the day to day responsibility. A bit of spoiling now and then comes with the territory."

That doesn't mean you overfeed a child with a weight problem or ignore medically advised diets.

Grandparents are still supposed to want what is best for their grandchildren, as LeQueen points out.

You make them sound like spoilt children themselves, not adults who are supposed to give a shit.

This has nothing to do with using grandparents as free childcare.

You don't give a child with a weight problem two big slices of cake.

Ever.

Unless you are an irresponsible twat.

I don't use my parents as childcare, but they are still trustworthy when they look after them.

Why is feeding a child with crap seem as some kind of enjoyable hobby?

It sounds more like a twisted, unhealthy obsession.

Wow OTT , AThing!

I have already said, I don't think grandparents should ride roughshod over the parents wishes, and neither do I think gp's set out to deliberately harm their grandchildren!

All I am saying is the grandparent / child relationship is very different to the parent / child one. And when parents use gps for regular care like this, it inevitably blurs the boundaries because the gp's suddenly become responsible for all the everyday stuff. And I think that's very hard on the gp's (and the child) because however "good" the gps are, they are not able to just be granny/ grandad any more. It's not about the gp's acting like spoilt brats! It's about them just being able to enjoy their grandkids without the pressures of parenting- after all they've done their bit of child rearing already.

At the end of the day, if a parent can see that things aren't being done the way they like, they could vote with their feet, pay for childcare and let the grandparents just be grandparents. Nine times out of ten the parents don't want that though because using grandparents saves them money.

AThing, I do think you're being harsh, though of course you're right that such a person is storing up potential pain and ill health for their grandchild in the future, however good their intentions.

My baby is only a few months old, and my mother will never be looking after him as we live in different countries, but, though she herself is a healthy weight, she has a very odd attitude to food as treat. The first time she visited when my baby was only three weeks old, - and my breastmilk had failed - I went to take a shower and came back to find her giving him a second bottle on top of the full bottle he had just had, when there was no way he was hungry, and she couldn't understand why I was so cross.

I notice that when she's around him, any time he starts to grizzle, she immediately leaps to the conclusion that he is hungry, even when he's just been fed and is obviously tired, bored or windy. I'll say, 'No, he's just had a full 180 mls', and five minutes later she'll say 'He's hungry!'

She would be exactly like this with an older child, with potentially disastrous consequences, while meaning terribly well. And yes, it is ignorance.

Just to add- the op has a child who is already under paediatric care for possible growth disorder, and by her own admission, his eating is 'out of control'. Clearly that's a very challenging situation for any parent to cope with. Is it really fair to expect the grandparent to take it on, when they've already done their child rearing days?

Obviously in a situation like this, you would expect the grandparent to support the family (just as with any illness or disability or challenging behaviour etc) but there is a massive difference between supporting, and being the regular childcarer. I suspect the granny might find it a whole lot easier to be supportive if she wasn't being used like this.

I can't imagine relishing the idea of being an unpaid childcarer for a challenging 6 year old, who isn't particularly active and has an uncontrollable appetite. Certainly not when I'm a retired grandparent! And that's nothing to do with not wanting to support any future grandchildren Because I'm sure I would- but as I say, regular care is a whole different iball game. It can be VERY hard work looking after a child that age, particularly one who is a fussy eater.

"It's about them just being able to enjoy their grandkids without the pressures of parenting- after all they've done their bit of child rearing already."

If you can't enjoy your grandchildren without feeding full of crap, particularly where there are medical issues, there is something seriously wrong with you.

I agree with you about parents who want children looked after according to strict specifications, and also about the problems of using grandparents as regular childcare.

But grandparents are other adults in a child's life.

The idea that they can't be expected not to provide a basic standard of care, that it is too much to ask that they not actively harm the child, when they see their grandchildren is horrifying.

Just because you aren't the parent doesn't mean you shouldn't give a flying fuck about a child's health.

It's just bizarre.

Never mind regular childcare, I would never leave my child with someone who would feed them two big slices of cake when that child had medical issues involving their weight.

Being a grandparent doesn't give you the right to harm a child for your own pleasure in giving treats.

AThing- I am simply trying to be realistic about the reality of regular unpaid childcaring. It must be HARD!

My own ds is a bit older than the ops, but he too is quite a fussy eater, and although there are no weight issues and he's an active lad, he can be challenging in other ways, eg he's very competitive and this can lead to arguing etc. I am on annual leave right now, but when I'm back at work in August my children will be in proper paid care. They are going to grandparents for a total of 2 days (each; separately.)

Why? Because looking after kids is damn hard work! We've had some great days in the sunshine this week, but we've also had some whining, brother/ sister arguments and the inevitable demands for ice creams and fizzy drinks. I am a PARENT so it's my job to deal with that.

Yes, it would save a fortune in childcare to park both kids with granny for the summer.. But I know that the reality is that in between the golden moments there would be the inevitable squabbles and challenging behaviour- because that's what children are like! And I know that however well intentioned granny is, the children would probably take advantage of her good nature and end up scoffing too many treats, watching too much telly and not getting outside and active.

And my mum isn't some selfish ogre who's out to damage my childrens health. Shes just a normal woman in her 60s who enjoys spending time with the grandkids but who doesn't need the hassle of the hard bits.

Yes, I agree with all that.

But that is different from a woman who gives way too much cake to a child with medical problems related to his weight.

That woman shouldn't be around children at all.

If you can't be trusted to comply with medical instructions, you are no kind if grandparent.