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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to not want to meet the OW?

34 replies

sc13 · 23/07/2012 14:55

A bit of background: after 20 years together, almost a year ago x-H left me for another woman he met on Twitter. We have a lovely DS, now 6, who has a learning disability.
x-H says that the OW makes him happy and understands him; he felt criticized and neglected by me. My version of events is that DS's disability put a lot of strain on the marriage, and we were not able to adapt our relationship to the new circumstances.
Anyway, it's all been very civilized. TBH between my FT job and DS, I haven't had much time to get angry or do the so-called grieving. DS lives with me and sees his dad very often, initially only at my place but from this month also with the occasional sleepover at his dad's. x-H is very fond of DS but he's also said he's keen to have his own space.
Anyway, several of my friends, plus my DM, think that it is my duty as a mother to meet the OW, because now that DS is spending more time with them, I really ought to know what she's like. Also, DS is not always able to tell me how he feels, or what happens. What if, they say, the OW is really horrible to him?
Now, I can see their point, but I just do not wish to see what she looks like, or hear her talk, or have to be civilized to her as well. I feel tired just at the thought of it. AIBU in not wanting to meet this person? Am I just in denial? If so, it's not such a bad place to be...

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 23/07/2012 14:56

soooooooooooooooooooooooo NOt BU

stick to your guns and good luck , sounds like you are doing a great job

Sassybeast · 23/07/2012 14:59

YANBU. She is nothing to you and it is your husbands responsibility to make sure that she is not horrible to your son.
You can guarantee that if you did meet her, she would be sweetness and light so you would learn nothing about her true personality.

You sound exhausted - I am too. I can't be bothered to buy into Exs desire for me to play along with the notion that all is right with the world. He wants to ease his conscience - I don't give a damn.

AllYoursBabooshka · 23/07/2012 15:04

God no, You are not BU.

Don't you dare let people push you into doing something that will make you unhappy. You have clearly been through enough already.

Massive hugs to you.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 23/07/2012 15:12

YANBU - meeting her wouldn't change anything would it?! It's not like if you don't approve of her then he'll walk away from her is it? What exactly is it that your friends think you will achieve by meeting her??

I can see why most people do want to meet the new person in their ex's life if there are children involved (even if they started out as OW's), just so they can put a face to a name or whatever and if at all possible I think it's good for the children to see all of the adults 'getting on', but it's certainly not compulsory!

I'm sorry your marriage broke down - and I'm sorry that he wasn't man enough to deal with it by talking to you and not having an affair, sadly it's not uncommon :(

trikken · 23/07/2012 15:13

Definitely yanbu.

olibeansmummy · 23/07/2012 15:17

YANBU you wouldn't be able to tell what she is really like from one meeting anyway.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 15:20

Yanbu. You would have to get to know her, ie more than one meeting to make a decision.
Also, your stbxh may have been a let down as a husband but I assume he is a good dad. If so surely you can trust his judgment?

liketochat1 · 23/07/2012 15:20

Yanbu. You do what is comfortable for you in this situation, if and when you are ready.

Birdsgottafly · 23/07/2012 15:25

Perhaps it is something to consider in the future, it is eary days yet.

If it lasts she will have more and more involvement and i would want to know what sort of person she is, but that also depends on what your ex is like.

ChasingSquirrels · 23/07/2012 15:32

yanbu - do what you want when you are ready.
It doesn't help your ds for you to have met, you can still have conversations with him about what he has been doing and who with without knowing all the people involved.
I have now met my ex's partner, but it was a good couple of years down the line, and I have only met her 3 or 4 times now - there has been no need and when we have met it had been briefly during child handovers.

tartyflette · 23/07/2012 15:37

Your situation is working fine, if it ain't broke.....

PerspectiveUrgentlyRequired · 23/07/2012 15:39

I think it's easy for people not immediately involved in this situation to say what they think you should do, and also what they think they'd be able to do in the same situation. If its something you have no interest in doing, then don't do it. I used to have people comment on what they would do in my situation, but they aren't emotionally invested in the same way as you are. I had a meeting with my ex's g/f sprung on me by ex, it went fine, I have no issues over her at all but it is something that is very personal to each person and no one should be made to feel an obligation to meet someone in this situation.

SoSoMamanBebe · 23/07/2012 15:42

I have a friend with the most amazing adult ex relationship circle. Her step father's 3 rd wife's 1st child is a god daughter to her own daughter. I have never had to deal with an ex myself but view her blended family as something quite amazing and inspirational. I'm sure over the years it wasn't easy but the ex wives and ex husbands all make a concerted effort to get on and all the children involved are very happy as a direct result.

YANBU but there is another way perhaps?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 23/07/2012 16:09

As long as you trust his dad to do the best by your son, in that this woman will be "suitable" for want of a better word to be around him, then stick to your guns. Why should you have to meet her - I bet your mum just wants to quiz you all about her and "get the gossip" so to speak. Just carry on as you are.

TheHappyHissy · 23/07/2012 16:58

Why is it so important for your DM to stick her oar in and get you to accept someone so unacceptable?

DMs can be very quick to chastise us for making a fuss, when actually we have every bloody right to do so. Stick to your guns!

His OW is HIS problem, his responsibility to safeguard his child, you don't have to meet her. Would you get the ExH to vet YOUR future partner? I bloody wouldn't!

YANBU

carabos · 23/07/2012 18:31

If meeting her won't change anything, bring any additional benefit to anyone other than your stbxh and will upset you, then don't do it. One of the biggest advantages of being a grown-up is that you don't have to do things you don't want to do. YANBU and as others have said, it is your stbxh's responsibility to make sure that ANYONE who comes into contact with your child is kind to him.

whois · 23/07/2012 19:01

YANBU

maybenow · 23/07/2012 19:05

yanbu

when he's with his father he's in his father's care and it's up to HIM to ensure he is well looked after whoever else is around them.

would you want your xh vetting your future partners?

Viviennemary · 23/07/2012 19:05

I agree you are just so not not not BU. This OW is nothing to you and you should not be obliged to have her in your life at all.

Inertia · 23/07/2012 19:23

Well, you already know what she's like given that she had an affair with a married man- chances are that she won't be trustworthy, nor will she be considerate of your son's needs (given that she was quite happy to help rip his family apart).

Your husband is the parent in charge when your DS spends time with him and OW- do you trust him to ensure that your son is cared for properly?

Socknickingpixie · 23/07/2012 19:32

the only thing that matters id do you trust his judgement with regard to child protection?

if you dont then why let him have that type of contact if you do then you dont need to meet her.

im not really sure she would even be comfortable being inspected by you i was previously told i had to present myself for inspection by a mother and i was very put out by this especially concidering that in my company i found her to be foul mouthed offish towards her child rude to my child and it was blatently obvious she was just looking for fault with me. (and i had apsolutly nothing to do with the relationship ending)

WilsonFrickett · 23/07/2012 19:39

Your friends and DM are fishing for gossip, IMO. You have no need to meet this woman and you especially don't have to to sate their curiosity.

plainwhitet · 23/07/2012 20:20

Sc13 i thought you were me there for a bit. very similar situation here, length of marriage, problems with a child etc, so called reasons for leaving, etc.
It is now over two years down the line for me and I have not met OW for the simple reason I really do not care to. My dc have met her, one of them has stayed in her house with exH and her, but I have utterly no interest at all in meeting her and causing myself any more pain and stress. Rise above whatever anyone else says, yr ex is good with your child and leave it at that. also it is no-one's business but yours and your right to do whatever you like about her. I do also feel in the depth of my heart that anyone who can act like that with a married man is not actually a nice person I would like to know anyway. sorry if that offends any posters who have had such affairs, but really. I know it takes two and all that, but ... no thanks, love, don't want to know you.

RuleBritannia · 23/07/2012 20:25

My DCs were in their twenties when I divorced my X. It took me 15 years before I could grate out words to his OW. Wait until you are ready.

FreudianSlipper · 23/07/2012 20:29

yanbu

ds has meet the ex's new girlfriend fien with that but it is all very full on her buying him presents all the time, her being there much of the time. i have asked the ex to slow things down as ds is now wanting to just see daddy, he is ignoring this, she is trying too hard me meeting her (as my friends and family think i should) is not going to change anything they are too wrapped up in themselves and totally disrespecting anything i say and more importantly what is right for ds, apparently all the starting off with short meeting at parks, not bambarding them with presents, giving ds and the ex space when there are together is all child psychology crap Hmm and the ex because he knows deep down he is wrong is being horrible to me :(