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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ex-H, ex-outlaws - AIBU? Wise counsel needed

47 replies

PostBellumBugsy · 23/07/2012 09:32

Try & keep this short. ex-H very difficult. Left me & kids 9 years ago when youngest was 1 for OW. He pays maintenance under duress, has been very difficult about sticking to dates, is unpleasant to me wherever possible & is generally a pain. DCs who are now 12 & 10 increasingly reluctant to stay with him every 2nd weekend - but I encourage it, as far as I can, because I think it is important for them to have a relationship with their Dad.

They have just spent their annual summer week with him & arrive back telling me that when they are due to stay with my Mum (while I have an operation) they are going to spend 2 days & 1 night with ex-H's parents. I express surprise & say that actually they are staying with Granny (who they love staying with) & she has lots planned for them, so we will have to have a think about this & talk to her. They also hand me a piece of paper with 2 dates in October written on it, to take DC1 to a concert & DC2 to the ballet separately and on separate weekends. I ask for a bit more info & get told that ex-H's parents will be taking them to these events.

ex-H phones me later in the evening & is spoiling for a fight & tells me that I need to be accommodating of his parents' wishes as they are "doing the best for the DCs". I said I was delighted that his parents wanted to do this (they have not helped out once in the last 9 years), but perhaps we could get weekends sorted out first & then they could do this on his weekends. He lost the plot completely & told me I was being unreasonable (along with alot of other much less pleasant remarks about me) & his parents were elderly & that I was making the DCs miss out.

Soooooooooooooooooooooo, need some MN input. AIBU & how would you handle this?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2012 09:34

By email. And the holiday already arranged when you're in hospital isn't negotiable as their other granny is having them.

nightowlmostly · 23/07/2012 09:36

Hmmm, not got much experience with this sort of thing, but maybe say no to the days when your DC are already staying at your mum's, because they already have plans then. The October things, maybe would be ok if you have no plans yet anyway?

Sorry, probably not a lot of help! It's hard to judge when I don't know what he or they are like and how well the DC know the GPs.

nightowlmostly · 23/07/2012 09:36

Oh yes, email is a good idea!

pictish · 23/07/2012 09:41

I think communication via email is the way to go.
He can't just decide to muscle in on ready made plans I'm afraid.
If his parents have decided to take an interest in the kids after all this time, then that's great...but he certainly doesn't get to call the shots about it. After years of fuck all, you're supposed to jump to, are you? Mynotfinkso.

The plans are already in place, so it'll have to be another time....and it's a simple as that. He can jump up and down and throw a fit if he likes...but that's the way it works. First come, first served. His parents will have to stall their plans for another occasion.

Just keep repeating via email. "That simply doesn't work for us on this occasion, as arrangements have already been made" and refuse to be drawn into a slanging match.

Bossybritches22 · 23/07/2012 09:50

Second the email contact. If you want to encourage the GPS contact ( which is fab) I'd start making it the norm for you to speak to them directly so there's no room for misunderstanding or manipulation by yr ex.

redexpat · 23/07/2012 09:56

How is your relationship with ex-PIL? Could you contact them directly?

SoHHKB · 23/07/2012 09:58

Agree with contact by e-mail - it's worked well for me and my ex when making childcare arrangements.
Agree with the idea that when plans are already made, they are not flexible because it's not good for the children to be messed around.
Agree that direct contact with ex-outlaws may be helpful, especially if they have children's best interests at heart rather than slanging matches...
Sympathise totally that dealing with crap like this is really really hard - I regularly mutter the mantras 'treat others as you wish to be treated' and 'teach first by example' when dealing with my ex and aim for flexibility, politeness and more flexibility and then have a good moan about him to good friends later

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 23/07/2012 10:00

Ring them and say you just wanted to check that the dates you've been given are correct. Then thank them for the lovely outings and tell them the girls are looking forward to it. The girls will have memories to treasure forever, and their grandparents too. Just because XH is an arse doesn't mean his parents are too. They deserve a chance to get to know their granddaughters.

pictish · 23/07/2012 10:11

I agree Pombear - wholeheartedly.

However on this occasion plans have already been made.

It is extremely rude to ditch confirmed plans with anyone, simply because a better offer comes along.
The ex is supposing that his parents should get priority, and is attempting to shove OP's mum out of the way and deposit his own parents at the front of the queue....why? Because he says so.

No. I say it's great that his parents want to be involved now and spend quality time...but on this occasion they are too late...the arrangements have already been made.

Original poster

PostBellumBugsy · 23/07/2012 10:12

Thank you all. Currently putting together an email.

I am able to be polite to my ex-inlaws & have on occasion in the past dropped the DCs off for the odd afternoon with them. I do find them a bit difficult though & have to make a big effort to be deaf to ex-FILs digs. I also kind of feel that they are not my responsibility any more. That it is up to ex-H to sort out time for the DCs with them - if that makes sense.

I work full-time & feel that every minute with my DCs is precious & (think / hope) they feel the same way.

I am really happy for the DCs to have a relationship with their grand-parents - but kind of feel it should be in ex-H's time & organised with him. It shouldn't be in my time.

OP posts:

zipzap · 23/07/2012 10:16

oh and remind him that you wouldn't presume to make arrangements for the dc when it was his time and might already have plans made!

YouOldSlag · 23/07/2012 10:18

Yes, do it all by email.

Yes try and form a direct relationship with the ex ILS.

However, and this may not be a popular opinion, he might have thought you were blocking the concert trip/ballet trip by adding conditions. I'm not saying he handled it right, but maybe you could be a bit flexible for the sake of the kids seeing their GCs. An extracurricular treat if you will. Since your exH only sees them every second weekend, I am sure it won't hurt to say to your DC as an extra treat, you are going to a concert on XXX date, even though it's not your Dad's weekend.

I am saying this from the perspective of being the aunt to a niece who lives with her mother. Myself, my DH and our DCs, and the entire family have to squeeze our time in with her according to her mother's wishes, and there are A LOT of us. My Dbro is a great Dad, hands on, never missed a payment or a weekend and truly devoted in every way.

It makes the rest of us sad that because of a divorce, we all have to cram our time in with DNiece into little pockets, spread thinly with my Dbro, whilst her mother and her family can see her as and when for as long as they like, anytime.

Kayano · 23/07/2012 10:19

If he only has them one week in summer a bit of leniency for his parents to go to the ballet with their GC would be nice.

solidgoldbrass · 23/07/2012 10:20

Just keep repeating that you already have plans for those dates, and won;t be changing them, and in future it;s best if ex-out-laws contact you via email so you can arrange dates that suit everyone.

Kayano · 23/07/2012 10:22

But you have a lot more time with them iyswim. I think you shouldnt block it just for the sake of blocking it

It's not like you said you had plans that weekend.

I feel sorry for them.

pictish · 23/07/2012 10:22

The trip to the ballet can and will be accomodated I'm sure...that's not a problem.
It's the 2 days and 1 night during the time the girls are scheduled to be staying with OP's mum I'm referring to.

pictish · 23/07/2012 10:23

The ballet trip is proposed for October you see....

2rebecca · 23/07/2012 10:24

I would def say no to the events when your parents have the kids. That is arranged. if your husband wants to have the kids for more time in the holidays and wants the kids to spend this time with his parents then this could be negotiated, but not last minute.
Unless the events in october are inconvenient then I presume your ex is asking for those to be his weekends. my ex and I are flexible about weekends so we can take them to particular things. in general though it is still you and him negotiating when you both have the kids, and he factors in his parents to the dates he asks for.

2rebecca · 23/07/2012 10:26

I wouldn't have ex outlaws contacting the OP re access. i think the fewer people involved the better. They tell their son "we'd like to take the kids to the ballet on this date and he says "I'll ask Postbellum if i can have them that weekend"

YouOldSlag · 23/07/2012 10:29

I just think it's sad for the kids that they have to use their every 2nd weekend and one week a year not just to see their Dad, but all of their extended family on his side too, who are obviously keen to build relationships with them, regardless of what has gone on in the past.

I just a think a bit of flexibility so your kids can enjoy another set of GCs and other family members won't kill you.

You seem to agree verbally but actually disagree and find reasons not to do it.

I agree communication needs work but don't obstruct too much at this stage or they might think it's a losing battle even to ask.

urbanproserpine · 23/07/2012 10:29

Hold on,

The time they are going to grannies is not negotiable.
the trips to concert and ballet however....

If they are on 'your' usual weekends then why not make that a chance to do something on your own with the remaining DC? I know I would absolutely love the chance to do that with one of my DCs. The GPs and DCs will benefit from one-to-one time too - they will all get real value out of it. Plus it's a big thing for the GPs to do that - I know my parents have really tried hard to take each of their grandkids out on their own to the theatre - its a big deal to all. YANBU to think they should have called you though! - perhaps they thought the letter they sent with the kids was more of an offer-type letter than a fait accompli?

Agree have a separate relationship with the GPs. Not separated, but still find always better if I deal with the arrangements fro the inlaws, visits etc, as DP rubbish at negotiating and being pinned down.

YouOldSlag · 23/07/2012 10:32

I agree with you saying no to when you're in hospital, but at the same time other them another time slot. i.e "We can't do that week as it's all set in stone, but how about a few days the next weekend?" (for example).

It's horrible to go cap in hand to try and see a child you love, only to be told no all the time.

pictish · 23/07/2012 10:35

I agree slag

I just think it's hugely disrespectful to sack off ready made plans for a better offer...as I've said...but future occasions should be subject to a bit of flexibility for sure!

Original poster

PostBellumBugsy · 23/07/2012 10:42

At no point have I ever said that ex-H couldn't see the DCs. I had to have it written into the court agreement that he should have them every 2nd weekend - because he wouldn't see them. He constantly cancels, re-arranges etc. I bend over backwards to accommodate his schedule. I have also taken time in the past to drive DCs to see their outlaws. I am reasonable to my own disadvantage. He can have them for at least 4 weeks holiday a year - but NEVER, EVER does. If he wanted to do more than that, I'd be thrilled, as it would help me cover the holidays - given I work full-time

There is none of this cap in hand business from ex-H. He dictates & doesn't play ball exactly as suits him. He pays as little as he can get away with & only because he was forced to by court.

I do not say a bad word about him in front of the children & do not allow anyone else to either - even though he is unpleasant & horrible to me.

I am really happy for ex-PILs to see DCs, but kind of feel it should be when they are with ex-H - not me. I am not invited to join the events they are proposing to take the DCs too but would be expected to drop them off & pick them up. Also DS is Autistic Spectrum & doesn't like staying overnight anywhere without DD - so that in itself will be a nightmare.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/07/2012 10:43

I think part of the problem is that because so much of what he does is unreasonable every request starts to feel like an imposition.

I would try to come to some sort of compromise about the October dates but liaise directly with ex IL's about it.

The time whilst you are in hospital is non-negotiable because plans have already been made.

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