to just not want this level of involvement

[Socknickingpixie]

my family live a long way from me one of them is in a different country,we love each other very much talk on the phone lots but only see each other about 4/5 times a year. i love these visits as due to the limited ammount of them, they to me are more special and valued.when ever we go on a visit or they come to me the children are excited.

tbh even if we lived 5 mins away we wouldnt live in each others pockets because as a family we are just not like that.

my babys other grandparents do live close by and we see them frequently and i find it very differcult to cope with.

as people i dont dislike them but would probally not have chosen them as friends, some aspects of there behaviour i find differcult to comprehend nothing much that you can put your finger on but things that just make me go hmmm other things i reckon most people would find odd i.e on a outing the other day 3 grand children were presant 2 were fawned over one effectivly ignored i felt very sorry for the one who was ignored as he was so pleased to see them and it was very obvious to anybody who was there.

i find the gm quite bolshey and fairly opinunated but it could just be a personality clash gd can be a bit loud for my liking is quite racist and a bit judgy regarding my dc's feeding making comments like 'when are you going to stop bf/ is dc eating AGAIN/ if you switch to ff we can have dc over night. i also think they have a very unhealthy relationship with my dc's half sister not abusive or anything like that just strange.

their relationship with her takes precidence over her relationship with her own father he has to ask them if he can take her out when she is down on a contact visit,they openly slag off her mother infront of the child and almost hero worship her along with all the almost constant facebook little angel status thingys(they do this about my dc as well) obviously thats a matter for him as we are not togather.

when ever they see my dc they are almost manic with stimulation constantly waving things in his face till he gets tired and cross my other dc's find it differcult and will absent themselves because its to much for them to handel they are starting to treat my dc in the same way that they treat the pandered to and worshiped other gc.

i am expected visit with them 2/3 times a week either at mine/theirs or public venue often for 7 hours at a time i find it to much its draining,my other dc's also find it draining.but they think im being unkind or cruel or depriving them if i dont.

i understand that it could just be different styles of interaction i also understand that i may find it hard because my own family is not the same.

but aibu if i knock the visits down to 1 long one every 3 weeks as that would probally be easyer for me and my other dc's to cope with also aibu to refuse to enter into any type of arangement with them that i would view as a 'contact arangement' like the type sepperated parents have such as overnight weekend contact once a month like they have with the half sister.

just to clarify dc's dad would not be involved in the type of arangement they have asked for it would purely be for them and they would exclude dad as they have with other child

Are you still with their son?

Why do you feel the need to give in to all that time with them? If they make you feel guilty etc then I think you need to get tough. Its your life. You make your own choices. Speak up for yourself now.

They are grandparents, they may want to be very involved but they dont need to be.

no im not.

normally im very good at speaking up for myself but this is a hard one as im sure they dont realise that i find it differcult to maintain that level of interaction.

im also very concious that they may feel like im being unkind as they arnt my parents iyswim.i also dont want to make them feel like they are less important than dc's other grandparents.and i dont want them to think im doing a my family your family thing.

genuinely when my family did live closer we didnt have that level of interaction no where even near it,we are quite inderpendant people but there family arnt they do everything togather and im sure its very nice for them but its just not what im used to.

You don't have any reason to see them if you arnt with their son.
They can see the gc's when their son has them.
Have a word with them and their son about how they are limiting his contact with them and how this is more important.
I realise it's hard and will be awkward but they do need to know the way they are acting is damaging.

Holy cow this goes on 2 or 3 times a week? I'd have to cut it back for my own sanity. Try making excuses and see them once a week for a while and see if that makes you and the kids feel better.
If they want to see them more they can do it on the ex's time with the kids. He is the one who should see them at least 2 or 3 times a week not his parents.

YANBU to cut back visits at all sock
Can you arrange to be busy next week and arrange to see them the week after? So that you are gradually cutting back? If you don't want a big discussion about it?

Set your mind at ease about excluding them. They have form for undermining parents, which makes their racism, favouritism and lack of attention to children's needs (e.g. the overstimulation) worse.

So your ex won't thank you for giving his parents a chance to work their will. You won't benefit. Doesn't sound likd the D C will either.

i just wasnt sure if it was me being weird im guessing that it probally isant.

strangely they asked me for dc's birth certificate and redbook and hospital number today. what on earth would they need those for?

sock you are definitely NOT being weird. Back away as you see fit! WTF birth fortification and red book???

Refuse to give them those things. Just refuse, outright. They have no right at all to this information.
And do bear in mind that grandparents do not have any legal rights WRT grandchildren, you are your DCs' mother, you get the final say.

i did refuse and said i couldnt possibly think of any reason why they would want them. i was very polite but gm got all well the only way i can word it is huffy but looking like she was about to cry.

just befor i left she said to me 'would you like me to bring food over tomorrow' at no point befor had we talked about tomorrow so i just said im busy tomorrow then i got in the car.by the time i got home i had 2 missed calls from there number

tbh its all freaking me out quite a bit.

" they asked me for dc's birth certificate and redbook and hospital number today. what on earth would they need those for?"

I can think of no good reason why they could want these things. DO NOT GIVE THEM.

I'd want these people at arms length frankly. You are under no obligation whatsoever to maintain a relationship with them. And neither does your DC.

where im not going to not under any circumstances and i have bunged them into a locked drawer so they cant go walkabouts next time they visit.

i just cant think of any possible reason why they would want them, what on earth can be done with that combo of stuff?

My mum needed dc's birth certs tobopen a savings account for them. Would that be it?

*to open

Can you go away for a bit? Be busy or out all of next week?
Did you say you were busy tomorrow? And Wednesday?

Actually, if you open an account in a child's name you do need a birth certificate. Didn't think if that. They could have said though.

Just remember that you don't have to see them so often.

Weird, very weird!

I think you should maybe agree (on your terms) to a once a week visit, either they come to you for an hour or two or you go to them. Yes, I think the visits as they stand are too much.

As for the documents, tell them to go whistle, they are none of their business.

How much contact with the father does your child get?

they can obtain a birth certificate anyway - anyone can. Your neighbour could apply for your childs birth certificate. It's a public document.

Wow, this sounds weird. I am all in favour of children maintaining established relationships with extended family, but no way I'd be doing this 2/3 times a week! Especially if it doesn't suit you.

it was more the entire combo that freaked me out a bit.
the red book is medical and should be confidential as is the hospital number.

tubby he has only seen dc once since he left hes not very intrested unless he can have him for an entire weekend totally on his terms dc is bf and dad has no pr but thats a matter thats compleatly in hand.

i was thinking about making arangements to go see my sister any way as ive only seen her once in the last 9 months so would be a good excuse to go

Without trying to be nasty, is it possible that they are thinking of going down the

Not saying it couldnt be don but opening a bank account in a childs name generally need the parent/guardian details.

Then you'd have to ask what harm stashing money for a child could bring?

To confirm who you are, we need to see 1 of the following:
Full passport
European Union National Identity Card
UK photocard driving licence or UK full paper driving licence
UK Armed Forces ID card
An introduction from a parent or guardian who's an existing Barclays customer (if you don't hold any of the above and you're 17 years old or younger)

To confirm where you live, we need to see 1 of the following:
UK photocard driving licence or UK full paper driving licence, as long as you haven't already used this as ID
Gas bill that's less than 3 months old with proof of payment
Water bill that's less than 3 months old with proof of payment
Telephone bill for a land line (not a mobile) that's less than 3 months old, with proof of payment
Local authority (council) tax bill (less than 3 months old) with proof of payment
Bank statement from another bank that's less than 3 months old

If you're under 16, these documents can be in your parent or guardian's name. If you're still having problems getting the right documents together, please speak to a Personal Banker in any branch.

If I were you I would apply for passports for your DC now so it can't be done twice. I know it's really expensive, though. That's the only thing (apart from savings accounts) I can think she'd want that level of information for.

And yes, what everyone else has says. Obviously it's nice that your kids have a level of contact with their grandparents - but you have all of the power here; grandparents have no automatic rights and you can and should see them when you feel happy to.

If you're going to find this hard to say, write to them. Say you value your relationship with them but that the long frequent visits are very tiring for the DCs and so from now on you will visit X times in X weeks. End of discussion. Make it clear it's not up for debate.

YANBU. You need to set the boundaries right for you: your kid not theirs.

I sympathise totally though because I am trying very hard to re-set boundaries with in-laws having ended up (God knows how - too eager to please, too susceptible to heavy emotional blackmail?) where I felt obliged to take children round to see them between once and three times per week. Even though it was exhausting (longish journey with small kids). Even though I have always sensed from MIL an element of being the one who took her son away and have to put up with her very different opinions on child-rearing (i.e. the visits were always really hard work). And even though it was never enough - always constant demands for more, and pleas that we never visit or stay long enough. For the last few months I have reined back in the visits, pleasantly as I can, and suggested they come to see us instead as when suits us. It is not easy though. Lots more emotional blackmail!

Red book stuff sounds totally weird.