to just not want this level of involvement

[Socknickingpixie]

my family live a long way from me one of them is in a different country,we love each other very much talk on the phone lots but only see each other about 4/5 times a year. i love these visits as due to the limited ammount of them, they to me are more special and valued.when ever we go on a visit or they come to me the children are excited.

tbh even if we lived 5 mins away we wouldnt live in each others pockets because as a family we are just not like that.

my babys other grandparents do live close by and we see them frequently and i find it very differcult to cope with.

as people i dont dislike them but would probally not have chosen them as friends, some aspects of there behaviour i find differcult to comprehend nothing much that you can put your finger on but things that just make me go hmmm other things i reckon most people would find odd i.e on a outing the other day 3 grand children were presant 2 were fawned over one effectivly ignored i felt very sorry for the one who was ignored as he was so pleased to see them and it was very obvious to anybody who was there.

i find the gm quite bolshey and fairly opinunated but it could just be a personality clash gd can be a bit loud for my liking is quite racist and a bit judgy regarding my dc's feeding making comments like 'when are you going to stop bf/ is dc eating AGAIN/ if you switch to ff we can have dc over night. i also think they have a very unhealthy relationship with my dc's half sister not abusive or anything like that just strange.

their relationship with her takes precidence over her relationship with her own father he has to ask them if he can take her out when she is down on a contact visit,they openly slag off her mother infront of the child and almost hero worship her along with all the almost constant facebook little angel status thingys(they do this about my dc as well) obviously thats a matter for him as we are not togather.

when ever they see my dc they are almost manic with stimulation constantly waving things in his face till he gets tired and cross my other dc's find it differcult and will absent themselves because its to much for them to handel they are starting to treat my dc in the same way that they treat the pandered to and worshiped other gc.

i am expected visit with them 2/3 times a week either at mine/theirs or public venue often for 7 hours at a time i find it to much its draining,my other dc's also find it draining.but they think im being unkind or cruel or depriving them if i dont.

i understand that it could just be different styles of interaction i also understand that i may find it hard because my own family is not the same.

but aibu if i knock the visits down to 1 long one every 3 weeks as that would probally be easyer for me and my other dc's to cope with also aibu to refuse to enter into any type of arangement with them that i would view as a 'contact arangement' like the type sepperated parents have such as overnight weekend contact once a month like they have with the half sister.

just to clarify dc's dad would not be involved in the type of arangement they have asked for it would purely be for them and they would exclude dad as they have with other child

all my children allready have passports i often have to leave the country for work so i have made sure its the first thing i do asap.

this may sound strange and i could just be winding myself up (they have a few times wanted to accompany me to see doc and hv) but they refer to the other gc as their dc and act like shes theres not her dads talk about her being a second chance and stuff like that perhaps there wanting to pass my dc off in the same way.

i have nothing to worry about from a custody angle and they know this they also know i know this.

ofcourse it could be totally innocent and they could just be fretting that i may try to exclude them

I think you've done all the right things, sorting out custody, getting them passports and also locking the important documents away. Now, I'd just slowly work down the visits, be unavailable (easier if the weather is nice) and see them once a week or less.

They do sound a bit weird and on that point, if it was me, I wouldn't let the DCs stay with them without me until I was sure I knew what they were up to.

These people just sound weird. And they want to access your DC's medical data - never would they need the red book or the hospital number. I only use my hospital number to book appointments? No, I'd be drawing back from them at a rate of knots.

These people are seriously weird in a very creepy way and YANBU at all to keep your distance.

The business with the BC and the redbook would have me running for the hills, plus all the second chance talk, urging you to hurry up and wean the baby so they can have him for the night..

Don't answer phone calls from them. Give them a call about every second evening, tell them you noticed they had called a few times and ask them if anything is wrong -- then say 'Oh good to hear that, sorry must run, very busy right now...Oh no nothing wrong this end either' when they tell you there is nothing wrong with them and ask what's up with you. Just talk right over them. Then end the call.

Keep them away from your house and cut the 7 hour visits out altogether. Just go cold turkey. Tell them 'No, sorry, it doesn't suit me' and just keep on saying that when they suggest an outing too. Same goes for visits from them in your house. You don't owe them a reason. Do they have a key to your house? If so change the locks.

Some people just get over involved.

Bit different but DH and I shared a medical practice before we got married. For whatever reason I went to the doctors, took a letter in to change my records from maiden to married name only to be told by the receptionist (friend of MILs) that MIL had already changed it for me. I went dipso and changed GPs. She meant no harm, in fact the receptionist had been at our wedding, and probably thought she was being helpful. I'm normally very 'go with the flow', but that was a line overstepped.

If anything the GPs in the OPs case just seem enthusiastic and yes, I suppose there can be a thing as too much enthusiasm and involvement.

What I would do is just set aside a day/afternoon or two every week and make sure that Wednesday (or what ever) is GP time. Maybe visit them so you can cut short the visit if need be.

i went out today due to sunshine and kids wanting to didnt bother taking my mobile as i cant see the screen in the sun and not wanting my fun time with kids to be disturbed.

my neighbour informed me on my return that they had been on my doorstep banging like loons and trying to open my doors.

im going to have to phone them and politly ask that they respect my privacy and boundries perhaps i ought to drop into convo that if it where my parents doing this i would slap their faces

They do sound weird. YANBU.
Distance yourself. You don't have to be mean about this, but be firm.
2 or 3 times a week, for 7 hours, is a lot. I couldn't cope with that and I love my MIL from the bottom of my heart.
Cut it down to once a week for now, and gradually bring it lower, like every 10 days, then every two weeks, etc.

Seriously? They could not get hold of you and so they turned up on your doorstep? Weirdos!?!

Oh good god they really are loons.
Please stay safe and distance yourself.
Be firm and make it known that you will not tolerate them coming round and banging on doors, you are an adult and don't need them to be checking up on you every five minutes or even every day.
I'm glad you went out. I'd tell them the neighbour was going to call the police when they were banging and trying to get in and they spooked her.

Remember that if necessary you could take out an injunction against them forbidding them to contact you again. I'm not suggesting you should, at least not yet, by any means, but sometimes it's helpful, when dealing with persistent people, to remember that the law can protect you against them - just knowing that you have this option in reserve can make you feel less besieged.

If I've understood you properly, your DC's father, their son, is in fact not interested in the DC and doesn't bother much WRT contact, so they are probably motivated by a wish not to lose touch with their grandchildren, and the fear of this is making them cling and pester. For the moment, it's probably best to take the 'too busy, sorry' line but do try to put up with them once a fortnight or so. Even, if you can stand it, once a week and make it a regular commitment, which might reassure them enough to settle them down.

Do it Socknickingpixie. Say your piece and don't let them cut in. Then put the phone down and don't answer calls from them.

Maybe make a call once a week or once a fortnight but don't agree to any meet ups unless there is a clear start and finish time and short duration. Tell them it doesn't suit you and don't give an explanation for dates and times you don't want. This will cover your ass and they can't accuse you of being unreasonable particularly given the way your own family does things.

Do not let them have the DC overnight, ever.

They are deranged.

Good God, and you are seriously thinking of letting them have your dc overnight even though they bad mouth their other granddaughter's mother in front of her and are way over the top? I would NEVER let them have the kids and you need to put your foot down.

really good surgestions thank you im going to plan and make a phone call tomorrow.

50shades no no apsolutly not never in a million years,in my op i asked if i was bu to refuse it because they keep badgering i have a bit of a thing about not wanting them to treat my dc like they do there other gc (seriously its like they are the nrp's gc's actual nrp dosnt get a look in i think its sick). just wanted to check im not a nasty mean unreasonable cow.

things send huge red flags up and i wanted to check that the behaviour that rings bells with me also does with others

Alarm bells are LOUD, OP.

well i spoke to them today and have been told that apparently they are going to take me to court for a contact order.i didnt have the heart to tell them they couldnt because they are grandparents.i reiterated that they are more than welcome to visit with dc every couple of weeks or that i would bring dc to visit them that they are also more than welcome to join us at music play every month, but no over nights nothing that even looks like a contact arangement will happen and that they need to just stop being overbearing because if they dont we will fall out

nothing that even looks like a contact arrangement

You've got your head screwed on, where their screws are loose!

Well done, now get your solicitor up to date of what happening so he can be ready if they try to take it to the next level.

good point i will email him now so its with him when he gets to his office on monday

The only reason I can see for them wanting the red book is so that they know the details of your children's immunisations etc. and possibly are going to try and get them into their own GP Practice so they can take them whenever they might think it necessary. There is NO GOOD REASON for them to need to do that - if they have concerns, they bring them up with you, their mother, and leave you to take them to the doctor.

They sound overly intrusive, invasive and as though they're trying to take over and I think that keeping them at arm's length and reducing the visits to certainly no more than once a week, or fortnight, would be a very good idea.

Does the children's father have no interest, does he not want to see them?

BUgger, only read the first page, sorry!

I think you are doing absolutely all the right things and these people are loons. I hope that you can reduce the contact with them a lot more - and as you are not actually refusing to let them see their DGC, I cannot see any contact order being put in place.

One word of caution - I'm sure you wouldn't actually say it to them, but please don't mention that if it was your own parents behaving like this you would slap their faces - that could be used against you.

Good luck! Hope you keep the crazies at bay.

Banging on your doors? You are being stalked. I would feel utterly haunted and miserable at this level of intrusion.

They are nutters.

Move house. Move miles and miles away. They are not normal. I would never let them have unsupervised access to my dcs.

Shudder.

Are they providing you with any practical support that you need (money, food, childcare?).

Otherwise, I think their prioritising of looking after their grandchildren over maintaining a relationship with their son is a huge red flag. They have a child (albeit grown up).

Goodness OP, best of luck with this.

Just out in interest was the contact order threat made at the start of the convo - in response to you being out - or was it made at the end - in response to you saying you want to reduce contact?

Be very wary OP. I'm wondering what they will do when they find that legally they're not going to get very far. You're not refusing access to their GC, and no contact order will give them the amount of contact they clearly want.

Good luck.

Just finished reading and dear God OP, I'd think my head was about to explode from stress if I were in your situation. I agree with others, their behaviour is disturbing and big red flags would be waving. I'm glad you've taken the first steps to setting up some boundaries, but unfortunately I can see this being an uphill battle. A quick google says that GPs don't have an automatic right to to apply for a contact order and will have to apply for leave to make that application. To be successful they have to show that they have a meaningful and important connection with the child. More info here.
Good luck OP.