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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is the start of DP trying to control me??

50 replies

PleaseLetsGoToSleep · 23/07/2012 00:29

Been with my DP nearly 3 years. We have a 9 month old DS. He works FT and I'm a SAHM.
One of my neighbours is a very friendly divorced guy of a similar age to DP, he has custody of his 8 yr old son regularly. We have chatted over the fence once or twice, about his son and general gardening/neighbourhood stuff. He works from home so is about during the day. He is nice enough to me, but DP doesn't like him at all, and while I'm not 100% sure, I think the feeling is mutual. There has been no disagreement, just this unspoken hostility exists.

Anyway, the neighbour has invited 'us' (via me) to a BBQ later in the week with the other neighbours and his son. I would like to go and take DS, but when I told him he got really angry. I know part of it is that he is jealous and he thinks the neighbour 'fancies' me, and I can see his point, if the situation were reversed I'm not sure how I'd feel about him going.
He said there was no way he would ever go to this BBQ and that there was no way I could go (not directly said but implied/'you know my feelings about if you go').

I'm not too upset about not going, I can find an excuse and something else for me and DS to do, I'm just a bit annoyed. I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship a few years ago and this incident has made me feel uncomfortable. This is very similar to how it, the emotional abuse and control, started. There's no way I want to get myself into that situation again, but on the other hand I don't want to overreact.
I can't see the woods for the trees atm (which was also part of the previous relationship).

Opinions, please??

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 00:38

I know part of it is that he is jealous and he thinks the neighbour 'fancies' me, and I can see his point, if the situation were reversed I'm not sure how I'd feel about him going

He said there was no way he would ever go to this BBQ and that there was no way I could go (not directly said but implied/'you know my feelings about if you go')

So if you can 'see his point' regarding the neighbour fancying you, you obviously think your neighbour fancies you...no?

If the situation was reversed, you're not sure how you'd feel about your DP going to the BBQ of a single Mum who fancies him when you can't stand her yourself.

He did not say there was no way you could go to the BBQ.

I think you need to take a long hard look at this situation. By all means go if you think this is all about him 'controlling you'.

But from what you've said, I get the impression it's all about your neighbour probably holding a torch for you and you feeling flattered....but understanding how jealous you would feel if the neighbour was female and clearly fancied your DP.

You've actually said that yourself if you read your own post.

tartyflette · 23/07/2012 00:39

OK, so he doesn't like the bloke, he doesn't want to go but I don't see why you shouldn't go if you want to you're hardly likely to get up to anything at a barbecue with all the neighbours round, are you?

Although it would be better if you could persuade him to come with you, even if it's only for a short while, in the interests of neighbourliness.

Strikes me that if anything were to happen between you and this man it would be during the week, when your DP is at work!

AdoraBell · 23/07/2012 00:39

Could you speak to DP about why he doesn't want to go? Not just "We're not going" but what's behind it, what is he doesn't like about the neighbour? If you can get him to open up about it then I'd say he's not trying to control, just a little insecure.

Whatever he feels/ thinks about the neighbour, however, he should trust you

Are there any other things making you think he's trying to control?

GrandmasRedCar · 23/07/2012 00:43

you know my feelings about if you go

I would interpret this as your choice, but please consider my feelings or otherwise be understanding that I'm verynpissed off about it which is a reasonable and appropriate reaction to the situation.

Just to throw it out there, if this hostility is mutual is it possible that the guy has invited you so he can get a kick out of pissing your oh off? If so, it's him controlling things, not your oh.

BertieBotts · 23/07/2012 00:45

It is controlling to an extent, though. Doesn't your partner trust you? It's not like it's a steamy private dinner he's invited you to, it's a barbeque with other neighbours and children present

I'd say it was a red flag, but a red flag doesn't always mean "definitely controlling" it means "keep an eye on the situation"

Original poster

PleaseLetsGoToSleep · 23/07/2012 00:47

Worra, I think you've misunderstood, I don't think the neighbour fancies me at all. And more to the point I have no interest in him.

OP posts:

Original poster

PleaseLetsGoToSleep · 23/07/2012 00:50

Oh dear, I realise there's a lot I haven't put into this thread I perhaps should have, but thanks for your opinions.

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 23/07/2012 00:52

Its hard to tell from an isolated incident. But if three years have gone by and you are only thinking this now then I would say hes probably not being controlling.

He doesnt like the guy. This man is single and any man wouldnt be comfortable with this. Hes probably worried that if he joins you at the bbq he will have to sit there all night watching this man "chat you up". Thats maybe not the case but can you really blame your DP. If I was in his position I wouldnt like it.

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 23/07/2012 00:55

So DID the neighbour invite your DH or not? It's just that you putthe "us" in inverted commas...making it seem doubtful.

Socknickingpixie · 23/07/2012 01:05

the things that mainly jump out at me here are.

your dp has also been invited.
your children have also been invited.
there is no actual problem other than underlaying hostility.

im not sure if i would translate this suituation as controlling i think i probally wouldnt but that would very much depend on what would happen if you do decide to go.

i personally wouldnt allow anybody to say i couldnt do anything that was perfectly reasonable or innocent but equally as such i would have no problems if the suituation were reversed.

i have a default setting of socializing with anybody i wish to as long as there is no actual real problem with the person,i do not feel anybody has the right to tell me who i can spend time with and who i cant regardless of there sex,im perfectly happy that i can decide by myself what it acceptable and what isant and i dont need anybody to tell me who/what/where/when.

i also wouldnt dream of telling anybody they couldnt mix with anybody else because i thought they may fancy them but thats just me.

Krumbum · 23/07/2012 01:07

I can see his point. I don't think its just controlling to be controlling, it is something that will upset him. You say you might not be comfortable with him doing the same thing so I don't think he is being wildly unreasonable.
Is he controlling in general? Or is it just your previous relationship that makes you wary?

BertieBotts · 23/07/2012 01:08

Do you want to elaborate? It's up to you :) But if you're genuinely worried then maybe Relationships would be a gentler place to post.

MamaMumra · 23/07/2012 01:32

Something about the situation has made you uneasy enough to oust and you aren't fully trusting your own judgement.

Just wanted to echo sock - what would happen if you decided to go / pop in to be neighbourly?

See the things that jump out from your post to me are:

when you mentioned the invite, Your DH got angry
the invite sounds neighbourly and no big deal
you feel how you felt in a previous abusive relationship

Please do repost in relationships and keep trusting your instincts.

MamaMumra · 23/07/2012 01:33

Post not oust

Kayano · 23/07/2012 02:05

I don't think that is controlling because he didn't say you could not go. Just let you know he didn't much like it.

I let DH know when I don't much like him playing video games all day... Doesn't mean I am controlling him.

YA making a mountain out of a molehill

millieandmax · 23/07/2012 02:48

Your neighbour has been friendly and invited you and your family and the other neighbours to a BBQ (if he was a she you wouldn't think twice) .
If your partner refuses to go his problem isn't with the next door neighbour, its with you. It doesn't matter if the bloke has a thing for you or not (he is probably just trying to be friendly)your partner should trust you. I think you and him need to talk.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2012 04:50

Yes, this is control.

Your instinct is right.

Insecurity and jealousy are probably at the root of his hostility and outright possessiveness is rearing its ugly head here.

What he is saying is he neither trusts this neighbour nor you.
He has no reason not to trust you, right?
The only problem here is the one in his head.
(I'm assuming he has no reason not to trust the neighbour either but that's beside the point).

So it's irrational, comes from his own imagination and problems, and needs to be hashed out in counselling before it poisons this relationship.

Repost in Relationships.

HecateHarshPants · 23/07/2012 06:51

You need to talk to him about this. Get his and your feelings out in the open.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if the neighbour is lusting after you - if you're not going to do anything, you're not going to do anything. He doesn't have to trust this bloke, he only has to trust you. and that's what you need to be telling him. Just how insulting jealousy is.

NurseBernard · 23/07/2012 07:00

Worra - I think the OP means that if she was on the outside looking into the situation (i.e. if the situation was reversed) she can see how it might not look quite 'right' and she might even feel uneasy about it. But actually being in this situation herself, she categorically knows that there is no fancying going on, on either side. If that makes sense?!

OP - I can see why you're not 100% sure, why you perhaps can't trust your own judgement and why you posted, basically.

I dunno. I think that if you know yourself that you'd be unhappy with the situation were it reversed - even though you know whole-heartedly that it's entirely innocent then it's not really fair to go through with it.

Of course it's a fine line between having a bit of empathy for someone's insecurities, and pandering to them... I guess that's where your uncertainty comes in.

gobblegobs · 23/07/2012 07:33

I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship...
OP I may have no answers in this situation, but this comment of yours just rung a bell with me!
We are a sum of our experiences and having been a controlling relationship in the past you radar for similar behavior may perhaps on high alert in your current one. I do not want to make light of your uncertainties, but this man is a new one and hard as it is, try not to extrapolate your past experience onto him.
Don't know why I am blabbering, but this may be just be a one off that he doesn't like the neighbour and not reflective of any secret desires to control you.
I would have a frank discussion with him regarding why he doesn't want you to go and then decide for yourself

50shadesofslapntickle · 23/07/2012 07:35

I think we need more info OP. From the little you have said, imagine if a single mum had invited you all and you had the impression she fancied your dp etc. Need more info.

AThingInYourLife · 23/07/2012 07:41

You feel like he is try

bejeezus · 23/07/2012 07:43

OP your dp should trust you to go, if that is what you want to do

Why did he get angry about being invited?? Odd reaction, even if he doesn't pike the guy/want to go

Do you think neighbour and your dp know each other from times before you?

As to whether it is controlling...I think it depends on the context, of the rest of your relationship? Does he get angry or disapproving of any of your other friends? Or dictate what you all do? Or manipulate you? Are there any other gut feelings that you have

If you want to go to this bbq and feel you can't because it will make dp cross, then that not good IMO

zookeeper · 23/07/2012 07:47

I would be worried by this tbh.

And whilst he hasn't forbidden you from going, he's made it very clear he doesn't want you to. How do you think he would react if you went?

LaLaGabby · 23/07/2012 07:54

I think this is controlling behavior by your DP.

Beyond your own relationship, I think it's quite sad for the other guy. He probably wants to get to know parents of children his DS's age. This kind of thing makes it hard for SAHDs and lone dads to have suppportive relationships with other parents. Somehow no-one thinks when they see two mums hanging out that they are pursuing a torrid lesbian affair, and nor do WOHPs get suspected of having affairs just because there are people of the opposite gender in their workplace. But dads get put in a position where they feel they need a chaperone just to have coffee or a playdate with a mum.

If I thought a neighbour or friend fancied my DP I would go to the barbecue together just to meet the other person and make it absolutely clear to the circle of friends that we are in a loving committed relationship.

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