Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think this is the start of DP trying to control me??

50 replies

PleaseLetsGoToSleep · 23/07/2012 00:29

Been with my DP nearly 3 years. We have a 9 month old DS. He works FT and I'm a SAHM.
One of my neighbours is a very friendly divorced guy of a similar age to DP, he has custody of his 8 yr old son regularly. We have chatted over the fence once or twice, about his son and general gardening/neighbourhood stuff. He works from home so is about during the day. He is nice enough to me, but DP doesn't like him at all, and while I'm not 100% sure, I think the feeling is mutual. There has been no disagreement, just this unspoken hostility exists.

Anyway, the neighbour has invited 'us' (via me) to a BBQ later in the week with the other neighbours and his son. I would like to go and take DS, but when I told him he got really angry. I know part of it is that he is jealous and he thinks the neighbour 'fancies' me, and I can see his point, if the situation were reversed I'm not sure how I'd feel about him going.
He said there was no way he would ever go to this BBQ and that there was no way I could go (not directly said but implied/'you know my feelings about if you go').

I'm not too upset about not going, I can find an excuse and something else for me and DS to do, I'm just a bit annoyed. I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship a few years ago and this incident has made me feel uncomfortable. This is very similar to how it, the emotional abuse and control, started. There's no way I want to get myself into that situation again, but on the other hand I don't want to overreact.
I can't see the woods for the trees atm (which was also part of the previous relationship).

Opinions, please??

OP posts:

NurseBernard · 23/07/2012 07:56

I'm just trying to imagine how this would play out with my DH and actually, even if he was feeling a bit (irrationally) insecure about a (n innocent) friendship I had with a member of the opposite sex, he'd never, ever get a massive old strop on basically forbid me from going. He's not 15, after all - plus, he trusts me. Bottom line.

The more I think about this, the more I think YABU and he needs to cop on. He is not dealing with this appropriately at all and is, at best, displaying controlling behaviour (even if he, himself, isn't actually/usually controlling).

Kayano · 23/07/2012 08:07

But op said this is a one off thing and he has just said you know my feelings, he has not 'basically forbidden' her from going at all.

I just don't get how this one incident of insecurity/ conversation can make some posters 'very worried tbh' or say he is controlling after three years.

I think people are reading into it too much here. Can people not even have a discussion about what try feel about an issue or an invite anymore?

I just think if it was reversed people would say other things:
AIBU?

My husband of three years has struck up an unusually close friendship with our neighbour. I feel like they are always talking and laughing together and it makes me feel uneasy watching them get closer. This woman rarely if ever talks to me and in my opinion clearly fancies my DH

Now she has invited DH to a BBQ (she said we were all invited bUt I'm sure that's just to get DH there) and I feel really uneasy and insecure. If she had invited us both or ha even spoken to me I would feel a little better but she hasn't.

I don't want to go and I'm quite upset as DH wants to go without me and spend the day with this woman. I haven't said he can't go but I've told him my feelings but he just ignores them. I've asked him to consider me and my feelings but he again doesn't care and tells me I am being too controlling.

This is the first time I have ever felt this way and I feel insecure and really unhappy

Cloudbase · 23/07/2012 09:40

Talk to your OH about how you feel. If he is a loving, caring and normal partner, he will want to support you and reassure you.

He presumably knows that you've been in an abusive relationship and so should support you in working through those issues, not contribute to them.

But, as has been said earlier, if something makes you feel uncomfortable, it's probably for a reason. One thing about being in an abusive relationship is that it destroys your radar for what's normal because of all the psychological manipulation that goes on.

Can you give some more information about your relationship? How is your OH day to day? And I second moving this to relationships.

Fairenuff · 23/07/2012 10:04

Why was he angry that you were invited to a bbq? Is there more to this because that sounds like an extreme reaction.

Also, what makes you think the neighbour does not like your dh?

MamaMumra · 23/07/2012 10:45

kayano
Thats not a nice situation to be in. I completely sympathise and it does feel like shit. Go to the BBQ with DH - maybe get away early? Your DP should talk this through with you especially as you have raised it with him.

OP - I think in your situation, because you felt uneasy enough to post about it and because of your previous experience, you should take your gut feelings seriously. It is all about the context IMO.

shewhowines · 23/07/2012 11:02

If it was just you guys and the neighbour, he would have a point but it is a social gathering with other neighbours therefore he is BU to not let you go. It is up to him if he goes or not but make it clear you will go on your own to be neighbourly and would like him to come too. As other posters have said a lot will then depend on his reaction.

Dahlen · 23/07/2012 12:28

It's impossible to tell without knowing more, but my reaction would be to go anyway simply to demonstrate that I will not be controlled. Again, it comes down to trust. It doesn't matter what temptation someone is faced with - if they want something else more, they will not be tempted. Your DP is either controlling or possibly just insecure. If the latter, it's still his responsibility to deal with, not yours. You can be supportive in helping him deal with it, but that doesn't mean altering your own behaviour when you're not doing anything wrong.

I don't think it's relevant that the OP's DP didn't come out and say directly "I forbid you from going". If he is a controlling type (and I'm not saying he is), then this is exactly how most of them operate. They manipulate, rather than order. They use phrases like "I'd be really hurt" or "I'm just asking you to consider my feelings".

BlueBirdsNest · 23/07/2012 12:40

do you think he is trying to control you?

It doesn't sound like that to me, as a person reading it from the outside that he is trying to control you.

BlueBirdsNest · 23/07/2012 12:42

it sounds like he doesn't like the neighbour (and you mention the feeling is mutual)

Latara · 23/07/2012 13:16

Just don't go. Your DP doesn't like the guy & doesn't feel comfortable with you spending time with him.

Maybe he can see that this man does find you attractive; but you can't see it?

He probably trusts YOU but just doesn't trust this man.

You may feel the same if the situation was reversed; & would expect DP to listen to you i hope?

Don't think ''DP is going to be controlling'' every time he asks something of you - consider each situation as it occurs & think, 'is his request reasonable? How would i feel if it was me?'

If DP asked you not to attend a best female friend's BBQ or started telling you what to wear - that's when i would think he's controlling.

DinahMoHum · 23/07/2012 13:33

a bit controlling, but not a big deal, certainly not as an isolated incident. I think its ok to make the odd concession for a partners insecurity here and there.
It by no means makes it a slippery slope or a big red flag or anything of the sort. Hes not your ex.

CuriousMama · 23/07/2012 13:38

Why don't you dh and ds all go bowling when the BBQ is on and just forget about it?

bejeezus · 23/07/2012 13:46

bowling?

CuriousMama · 23/07/2012 14:04

Ok I was being facetious. I meant to say it seems a lot of fuss over a BBQ. If it were me I'd not bother about it and do something with dh and ds. The neighbour could be a major flirt for all we know? Or have said something to the dh to upset him? We don't have the whole picture.

mynewpassion · 23/07/2012 14:09

bowling is lots of fun.

I don't think its controlling behavior either. They don't like each other mutually. I am sure you have told him to not go to the pub or somewhere because you didn't like it at the time. Are you controlling or just making your wishes known?

bejeezus · 23/07/2012 14:12

i suppose bowling might be fun, if you could hit any of the skittles down

CuriousMama · 23/07/2012 14:55

Well it gets them away from the house

mynewpassion · 23/07/2012 14:58

You certainly can the pins if you ask them to put the side guards up. Guarantee to never have a gutter.

MamaMumra · 23/07/2012 15:02

Sidebars are the way to go!

CuriousMama · 23/07/2012 15:09

Can anyone else see tumbleweed?

solidgoldbrass · 23/07/2012 15:17

What reason does he give for not liking the neighbour? That's a key point. If he has rowed with the neighbour about car parking or hedge trimming, or he knows something about the neighbour (they went to school together and neighbour flushed your DP's head in the loo repeatedly or something), then it's sort of understandable that DP doesn't want to be friends with the man now.

If he just 'doesn't like' the neighbour because the neighbour is a single male of your age, then you need to stand up to your DP and not allow him to get paranoid or controlling. He either has to trust you, or he has to go. It is never a good idea to give in to a jealous partner, because it doesn;t stop the jealousy, the person just becomes more and more controlling.
Also, people who have had one abusive partner often end up with another abuser, who is abusive in a different way. So if your previous partner was violent, you might move on to a sulker or a lazyarse or a whiny manipulative Klingon.

bobbledunk · 23/07/2012 15:19

If he was a controlling personality, he wouldn't have waited three years to start. He is upset that you appear to be open to putting yourself in a situation with a man who he believes has his sights on you and who dislikes him.

He doesn't trust this man. Put yourself in his position. How would you like your husband getting involved in a 'friendship' with someone who openly (in your opinion) fancied him and disliked you. Personally I would question anyone who would play into that.

Dahlen · 23/07/2012 15:32

Controlling/abusive behaviour doesn't always start straight away in a relationship. It often waits a while until a woman is more vulnerable, such as during pregnancy or shortly after childbirth. There are an awful lot of SAHMs out there who have only discovered their partner's controlling tendencies once they have stepped out of their allotted role and refused to play the little woman at home who defers to her man every time.

The OP has been invited to a BBQ where several neighbourhood families have been invited, not a date. It's not like they're going to have the opportunity to disappear off for a quick snog, what with all neighbours and children around.

If the OPs P has a problem with the partner, then I think the onus is on him to spell out what that problem is and to own it; not to restrict the OP's comings and goings. And it's perfectly acceptable for couples to have completely different feelings toward the same person without both having to behave the same way.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2012 16:46

I agree with Dahlen here. Control begins with small overtures that are easy to interpret as harmless by the average open-minded and reasonable person, and control comes in the shape of manipulation, not express orders, so it is harder to resist.

Sometimes the control starts when the controller is under pressure at work and has absolutely nothing to do with factors at home at all. It is used as way of compensating for something else that is amiss.

The problem with this particular partner is that he expects the OP to pander to feelings of his. He hasn't sat himself down and looked at both sides or examined those feelings. To openly express this insecurity the way he has exerting pressure ever so slight not to attend the bbq shows that he is a bit too wrapped up in himself, that he sees his feelings as the only reality to be taken into account by the OP. How he feels is the only reality he takes seriously.

He has crossed a line. You would only suggest to a partner that she not go to the bbq if you thought you were entitled to make such a request and to have that request taken seriously, and if your feelings had taken the form of a firm reality in your mind.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2012 16:48

This sort of jealousy sometimes surfaces when the controlling individual is in fact the one who has been engaging in a bit too much office banter with female colleagues, i.e. it can be a case of projection.

Flip

1 2