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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU reagrding this funeral

39 replies

PizzaSlut · 22/07/2012 23:25

DH hs received the news that a distant relative has not long to live. AFAIK he has only seen this person once in the 10 years we have been together and has asked to go to the funeral.

Ordinarily I would have no problem with it, but this is the bit where it becomes a sticking point, he has to take a days annual leave to attend. Not a problem in isolation but we have another 2 closer family members that are terminally ill and we will probably have to attend their funerals during this holiday year.

I also couldn't attend a funeral a couple of weeks ago for a similar relative of mine as he wouldn't take care of children as he was working.

AIBU in asking him not to go due to the annual leave situation

OP posts:
Kayano · 22/07/2012 23:28

It's his choice.

Don't pressure him not to go, mention your concerns once and let him make up his own mind.

It's his relative and his annual leave.
It isn't like He is using the leave up to go play golf.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2012 23:29

I'm interested that you said, "wouldn't" rather than "couldn't" look after the children. Do you feel that he should have taken a couple of days off so that you could attend your relative's funeral? In this case, is it that you feel he wants consideration that you didn't get?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2012 23:29

Sorry for both your losses BTW. Thanks

squeakytoy · 22/07/2012 23:29

You have to ask each other if you can go to funerals?

He could always take unpaid leave if he has run out of holidays presumably?

And why wouldnt he take care of the children to help you get to a funeral?

Socknickingpixie · 22/07/2012 23:30

you would nbu to ask but if you expect him not to just because you dont want him to then yabu.

incidently he was bu to not assist you with childcare when you wanted to attend one

BackforGood · 22/07/2012 23:30

I'm of the thinking that if you feel you need to go to a funeral, then you need to go, it's not for other people to tell you if you should or shouldn't.

Of course this will no doubt be later followed with drip feeding about how he has no annual leave left and......, but, on what you've said so far, I would not try to stop my dh going to a funeral he felt he needed to go to.

McHappyPants2012 · 22/07/2012 23:31

I would be pretty piss off if my husband told me when i could and couldn't take leave.

StarryCole · 22/07/2012 23:33

It's unreasonable to ask hubby not to go to the funeral if he wants to.
But hubby should sort the childcare out in that case. Likewise with your funeral a few weeks a ago, IMO - it would have been your call to sort out the childcare.

Original poster
PizzaSlut · 22/07/2012 23:33

I think that is possibly the case, he wouldn't take annual leave for me attend my great aunts funeral but he is expecting to be able to do the same for his.

The trouble is using all your annual leave for funerals means there is less time to do things as a family.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 22/07/2012 23:35

People cant help dying.. Confused

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2012 23:36

The problem with that, Starry is that by default, if she is a SAHM, he will always get to go and she never will. Childcare is sorted in his case, because she is doing it anyway, and not in his case, because he works. There needs to be compromise.

Pizza have you told him that you feel it is unfair that you didn't get to go to your Great Aunt's funeral?

Original poster
PizzaSlut · 22/07/2012 23:38

But he is assuming that I will be available to do the childcare, same as I would hope he would offer to do the childcare for me. But the offer was not forthcoming.

OP posts:
Original poster
PizzaSlut · 22/07/2012 23:42

MrsTP, I am a SAHM, I have to be due to his shift pattern it would be difficult to find childcare to fit around it.

I cannnot book annual leave on a whim, I have to chack with him first before I can do something. I would not assume that he would do it. Surely by default he should check with me first.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 22/07/2012 23:43

Pizza did you tell him you wanted to go. Men and Women are not mind readers.

Original poster
PizzaSlut · 22/07/2012 23:47

Yes, but this is the same man when I was laid up with whiplash, he still went into work as he couldn't take a days holiday to look after the children. This was about 6 weeks ago.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 22/07/2012 23:50

grrrrr i hate men like this, are you his house keeper and nany or are you an equal partnership

Rindercella · 22/07/2012 23:58

Pizza, I think YABU about the funeral. If he can go and wants to go then he should without any pressure from you. As someone said up thread, people can't help dying and I really hope that you don't have too many funerals to go to this holiday year (least of all because of having to take annual leave to go).

BUT, I think you have much bigger issues going on than this one-off example. There seems to be an in-balance in your relationship and that needs to be looked at. What happened when you had whiplash and he went to work anyway? Do you ever get time to yourself, without your children?

Original poster
PizzaSlut · 23/07/2012 00:00

I thought we were an equal partnership or we used to be. Something has shifted since DC3 started school that I'm lazy, sit on my bum all day while he's working. Despite the fact I keep all the household running, as well as caring for 3DC's, Ferrying them around, doing all the school stuff, doing the chores, shopping,, balancing the books, sorting all the household affairs, playing with them, taking them out, educating them. Trying to keep them quiet while he sleeps. Disciplining them, doing all the medical appointments, drying tears, dealing with them when they're ill.

I'm also trying to find paid work, being a supportive partner to him. Listen to him, give him advice. Support him in making him a better person.

And all I get is I'm not doing enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
PizzaSlut · 23/07/2012 00:05

He's not took the children out yet, since they finished last Friday. He promised me a few months ago that he would take them out even for an hour once a weekend, its not happened yet.

OK he should go, but I can't get back the chance to say goodbye to my relative.

OP posts:
Maryz · 23/07/2012 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McHappyPants2012 · 23/07/2012 00:06

i think this problem runs alot deeper.

Maryz · 23/07/2012 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McHappyPants2012 · 23/07/2012 00:09

maryz, threads seem to get to the root of the problem.

lovebunny · 23/07/2012 00:16

when he's at the funeral, find documentary evidence of his income, pack his bags and get the locks changed. you have three children, so you and they get to stay and he gets to go. he says you're no good, let's see him do better. get yourself a solicitor and start working out what you need in the way of child support.
the bottom line is that women give birth few of them have genuinely supportive partners (despite what some claim - women spend a lot of time covering up the truth). can you live with the compromises you have to make in order to be with your husband? how would your life change if you were without him?
how much does one day at a funeral matter, in comparison with the above?

Original poster
PizzaSlut · 23/07/2012 00:18

I think the root of the problem is he has lost respect for me, he treats me as though I am his skivvy.

He thinks I should support him in whatever he does but refuses to give me the same courtesy. He gives me no emotional support, very little practical support, because he is working and I'm not.

If I get rid of him, he's already made it clear I can't have the house, he won't have the kids and will only pay what he thinks in maintenance because it will be my choice to be a singlle mum.

OP posts:
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