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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take my child to visit this relative again?

43 replies

mummahubba · 21/07/2012 21:17

I have a very close relative who is having a significant mental breakdown and is psychologically very unwell and unlikely to make a full recovery. I took my 2.5 yr old child to visit them today while they are staying with relatives. However my child was noticeably scared of the unwell relative and barely left my side. I felt very uncomfortable with this and so did other relatives who noticed. I am thinking I shouldn't take my child to visit again like this. Am I being unreasonable? I feel bad for the relative and would love to be able to treat him as I always did but I don't think it is healthy for my child to be in this situation. Thoughts?

OP posts:
IawnCont · 21/07/2012 21:17

YANBU. You must do as you feel is best.

RuleBritannia · 21/07/2012 21:18

Your child's presence might have helped your ill relative.

squeakytoy · 21/07/2012 21:19

YANBU at all. Your child is not going to benefit from being scared by something that they are too young to understand. Sometimes it is better for a child to remember a relative from while they were well rather than their last memories being of a sick and complicated person.

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2012 21:19

What did the person do to make your DC scared?

Because my 2.5 YO covers her eyes up as soon as anyone says hello to her, they don't have to have done anything.

It's your child though and up to you who they see/visit, is there anyone who would make you feel shit for not visiting again?

QuintessentialShadows · 21/07/2012 21:20

How, RuleBritannia?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 21/07/2012 21:20

YANBU. You have to do what you think is best for your child. Your child relies 100% on you for security, protection, care etc and you have to provide that to the best of your ability. You are responsible first and foremost for your child.

Sirzy · 21/07/2012 21:20

What happened that made your child scared?

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 21/07/2012 21:22

YANBU

You must do what you think is best for your child

seeker · 21/07/2012 21:22

What scared your child about this person?

gamerwidow · 21/07/2012 21:22

YANBU you have to protect your child and if you think they are going to be caused undue distress then you shouldn't take them.
If they were a bit older then it would be different because you would be able to explain that your relative's behaviour is odd because they are ill and they have nothing to be scared off. That level of reasoning isn't available with a 2.5 year old.

GoodButNotOutstanding · 21/07/2012 21:24

If I didn't let my 2yo visit family she was scared of we would never see any family. Not because my family are particularly scary but because my 2yo is very, very shy and doesn't like people very much. We still go and she's getting less scared and shy but it's still commented on by everyone we ever see.

So it depends on what this relative did to make the toddler scared. Was there a reason for your child to be scared? Or was it just because this relative was a new person/ was acting differently to the way they normally act?

Original poster
mummahubba · 21/07/2012 21:44

My child is outgoing and has never ever had this response to a person before. He was scared just by the relatives presence, the relative is noticeably psychologically unwell and didn't do anything scary per se. My child just clung onto me. Also I don't think it is a childs responsibility to help adults feel well.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 21/07/2012 21:49

you would be unreasonable if you did take your child to see a relative who, for whatever reason, made your child afraid.

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2012 21:49

RB didn't say it was your childs responsibility to help your relative feel better, I'm guessing she meant that young children can lift your spirits sometimes and help you escape a bit.

Even if they've never had that reaction to anyone before, there's always a first time.

You seem very sure the person made your DC react like that based on nothing more than a feeling, but there can be other reasons why they were clingy.

The fact you're not exploring other reasons is a bit of an indicator that you're unsympathetic towards the relative.

What's your relationship with them like normally?

paradisechick · 21/07/2012 22:19

What traits does a noticeably psychologically ill person display that Scared your child?

Slightly similar, my dear grandfather came plummeting down with Alzheimer's disease just after ds was born. I would take ds on visits and sometimes my grandad was rude, frustrated and confused. He passed when ds was 5 and ds has some nice memories of him which was very important to me.

HildaOgden · 21/07/2012 22:28

Is the sick relative the father of the child?

LucieMay · 21/07/2012 22:34

yanbu. Your DC is too young to understand and it's simply not worth it.

Floggingmolly · 21/07/2012 22:40

I'd imagine your child was picking up on your anxiety; simply being scared by the very presence of your relative sounds most unlikely.

exoticfruits · 21/07/2012 22:48

I suspect that you didn't want to take him/her in the first place-children pick up body language. Had you been positive and happy about it then so would he/she.

Birdsgottafly · 21/07/2012 23:11

Is the relative on meds and did their eyes/facial expressions seem unusual to your child?

Children can pick up visual/body language cues that adults miss.

My DH appeared unwell during his treatment for cancer and once he had developed brain tumours. There was times that i had to judge whether it was right that my children visited him.

You know your child and the situation, only you can decide that.

If there is no reason as to why your child needs to visit, then why take the risk?

bobbledunk · 21/07/2012 23:12

I agree with those who say the child was picking up on your attitude.

MsHighwater · 21/07/2012 23:17

You don't need to make a decision now that will hold for all time. You can decide ahead of each visit that you make whether it is right for your child to accompany you depending on the relative's condition and the child's ability to understand and deal with the situation. The closeness of the familial relationship between your child and the relative also has a bearing on your choice.

seeker · 21/07/2012 23:47

I would put money on the relative bing a MIL.

exoticfruits · 22/07/2012 07:21

It sounds like a MIL but it was he. I suspect OP wasn't keen on him in the first place and wouldn't visit herself if she didn't feel obligated. If it was a favourite relative she would feel differently and the DC would pick up very different vibes.

Proudnscary · 22/07/2012 07:51

I used to take my then very young dc to visit my grandfather in an old people's home.

There were plenty of elderly residents with Alzheimer's - one with an array of rather creepy dollies, another who always came over and asked if we'd seen Alice.

But I made a big deal of...well not making it a big deal. Explaining as far as I could with 3-5 year olds that they were old people and some were confused. But encouraging them to chat and not feel afraid or intimidated.

They learned to quite enjoy it there (even though my dd once said very loudly 'Why does it always smell of POO in here? Hmm)

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