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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take my child to visit this relative again?

43 replies

mummahubba · 21/07/2012 21:17

I have a very close relative who is having a significant mental breakdown and is psychologically very unwell and unlikely to make a full recovery. I took my 2.5 yr old child to visit them today while they are staying with relatives. However my child was noticeably scared of the unwell relative and barely left my side. I felt very uncomfortable with this and so did other relatives who noticed. I am thinking I shouldn't take my child to visit again like this. Am I being unreasonable? I feel bad for the relative and would love to be able to treat him as I always did but I don't think it is healthy for my child to be in this situation. Thoughts?

OP posts:

RuleBritannia · 22/07/2012 08:05

AgentZigzag

Sorry I've missed a few posts because I had to go to bed early.

Yes, that's what I meant. If someone is mentally ill in some way (or ill in any other way), people avoid them sometimes. If this patient had been one of those, he would have known that they avoid him and he would have noticed that several of his friends or relatives had not been to see him. So the OP's taking her child would have shown him that there were people out there who care and made him feel a bit more supported.

Another poster asked why the OP took her child when the child would be scared. How would she know that her child would be scared so should not have taken the DC? It could well have been the whole situation and not just the patient - a room with others in and the sort of fuss going on around him - that disturbed the DC.

"........and would love to be able to treat him as I always did ...." So why change? The DC will get used to it. There's plenty more in this world that the DC will have to get used to. If the OP doesn't take her child again, the patient will know that he's thought to be 'not suitable'.

Sirzy · 22/07/2012 08:16

So he didn't do anything specific? Then I wouldn't stop going next time you go she may be fine.

I hate this idea that mental health is something we should hide away from. You have said in your OP he isn't likely to get better from so are you planning to keep your daughter away from him forever?

I do agree with others and wonder if she is picking up on your anxiety about it as much as anything.

QOD · 22/07/2012 08:24

My dd is 13 and we've decided that after last weekends visit to MIL in an EMI nursing home with other Alzheimer's and dementia sufferers that that will be the last time dd sees her.
MIL was happy to see dd for about a minute then she sort of forgot she was there and was angry, distressed, confused, in pain, shouting, aggressive etc etc.
It has to be about the child I think, dd is 13 but she is just a young teen. If mil is still around as she matures then we will reconsider.
FYI the other residents were disturbing for dd too

Bigwheel · 22/07/2012 08:25

I also agree that your dd was probably picking up on your feelings, which is only natural. Personally I think it's great to expose young children to all sorts of different situations and people. A lot of my family work with people with severe learning differculites / mental health issues whom my dc have met, been on day trips with etc. the noise, sudden movements they sometimes made did used to startled them but there used to it now which I think can only be a good thing as it has taught them we are all different.

Ephiny · 22/07/2012 08:25

Had your child met this relative before? Could it just be a case of being shy around a new person (quite common for small children surely?)

If your child has met him before and always been fine, then there must have been something that caused her to be scared this time, either his behaviour or yours.

Honestly though it sounds like you've already decided that you don't want to spend time with this relative, and are perhaps glad to have an 'excuse' not to.

elinorbellowed · 22/07/2012 08:38

I think it is possible that children can be scared just because of vibes. I had a severe nervous breakdown when I was 19 and my sister aged 9 found it very hard to be in the same room as me. She has Downs, which means she relates to emotions on a very instinctive level sometimes. I think it was fear of someone who was usually strong being so 'odd' and possibly feeling my mother's anxiety and complete focus on me. It wouldn't have helped me to have people's children around, it was just one more thing to worry about, I hated people seeing me at my weakest.
I met a woman last year at a gig - friend of a friend. She said she was a recovering alcoholic, but the vibe she gave off was so scary that I wouldn't have wanted my children near her. Sometimes you have to trust your instincts.
If it isn't necessary. I'd see the relative alone until you feel comfortable, and maybe your child will feel better then.

ll31 · 22/07/2012 08:48

It's v unclear as to how your child was scared do can't really comment but as parent I think your in position to visit and ensure your child doesn't feel uncomfortable. Feel sorry for relative who'll pick up that you don't want your child near them.

lastnerve · 22/07/2012 09:01

Children pick up on these things, My ds is a similar age and will have a reaction to adults with special needs he just knows they are 'different' its human nature.

My DS is better now but still 'reacts' in a noticable way.

Is there any chance of explaining to your child ??

lastnerve · 22/07/2012 09:12

I think some people are being a bit hard on the OP, people with mental heath problems can be very scary for children.

FanjoPingpong · 22/07/2012 11:39

I had a mental breakdown when I was younger. I agree that I could sometimes be quite confused, irrational, unhinged or alarming without really being able to control it, and I wouldn't want to think my niece or nephew had seen me like that. But then again, nor would I want to think I'd ever scared them.

It's a toughie. Go with your gut.

saintlyjimjams · 22/07/2012 11:45

Well depends whether the relative was likely to do anything.

My eldest son is severely autistic and scares his younger cousins because they're not very familiar with him. I would be pretty pissed off if it was decided they couldn't visit because of this. DS1 is loud, and has - as he is autistic- unusual behaviours, but he wouldn't hurt them. I see it as the adult's job (preferably the parents) to explain to the child why they shouldn't be scared.

If the larger person is likely to hurt the child, then that's a different matter entirely.

JennerOSity · 22/07/2012 11:48

I would say while your DC is not in a position to understand or make allowances for any unwellness they are best not trying to form a relationship which will give little or nothing to either party. You can see them without your Dc when possible and perhaps in time the DC will be able to join you, when you can explain what to expect and why the person is different. If the DC is scared and can't understand the explanation - thus be reassured it might be more damaging for their relationship long term if the Dc develops and strong aversion to the person, when you ultimately want them to be happy together.

JennerOSity · 22/07/2012 11:51

I think Saintly is right, so a lot depends on what you can successfully explain to your child. You must safeguard their longterm relationship as much as consider the here and now.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/07/2012 11:58

Dh's gran is in an EMI unit in s residential home, and my children (7&10) find it difficult.

They adore gran and have always had a good relationship with her, so in the early stages of her dementia they found it quite hard to watch the changes in a woman who looked the same as she always did.

I'd play it by ear, your relative will have good days and bad days, and in their bad days, you may be their only visitor.

JennerOSity · 22/07/2012 12:16

I remember when my gran was dying (I was 9), no-one talked to me about what was happening at all or what to expect etc. We visited and this person I hardly recognised, gaunt, transformed into something else, reached for me. I legged it and didn't come back for the whole visit (hung about at the end of the ward)

It was the last time I saw her and I feel guilty and awful to this day. I really wish someone had told me what to expect and how to behave as it would have made a world of difference to what i understood of what was happening and my reactions.

But I was 9, so at 2 it is harder to make the necessary explanations.

The point being though that children do need help and explanations for these important life things in order to comprehend and deal with them, even at 9, so certainly at 2.

PooPooInMyToes · 22/07/2012 13:18

I would take your child again but use lots of reassurance before visit and try to explain in a way they might understand for their age.

They might not be scared now they know what to expect from your last visit.

hatesponge · 22/07/2012 13:41

I probably wouldn't take them.

However I am perhaps overcautious based on a story from my own family.

My grandmother suffered a complete mental breakdown (I'm not sure what the diagnosis was, or even if there was one, as this was in the 1920s/1930s) after the birth of her children. My dad was taken to see her once (the last time he ever saw her), aged 5 or so. She thought he was her husband and had come to take her home. I think the fact no-one ever talked to him about it made it worse, but that affected him for the rest of his life & he never forgot it :(

NoComet · 22/07/2012 14:04

YANBU
I had a Y1 teacher who had MH issues (triggered or added to by her sisters death).

She made me feel really uncomfortable and I started refusing to go to school.

Now I loved school and have never even pulled a sick day before or since, but almost 40 years later I remember being in her class just felt wrong.

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