To think there is a lot of negativity towards DH/DPs on here?

[Convert]

Ok

Can I make it clear firstly that I don't mean towards partners that are abusive in any way or generally just bastards...it just seems like some posts are so negative towards DHs for simple little things that aren't nasty in anyway.

For example, there was a thread a little while ago that the OPs (sorry for using you OP) DH had asked, as she was doing the shopping online to order 'some naice things'

Most posts were idea's of things to get as treats but a fair few of them were along the lines of 'if the bastard wants something nice tell him to order his own fucking shopping'

I just can't see the problem, surely as a couple you do nice, thoughtful little things for each other and don't immediately think, no, FUCK YOU arsehole. My view of partnership is putting youself out for the other person and working as a team, not a me and you. My mom always told me that loving is doing, not saying.

Right, do your worst

I understand what you are saying ZigZag, but in RL quite often people know the backstory, and have a good inkling of both sides too.

On here, we only here one side, and there are many times when I would absolutely love to hear the other side of things, as I can bet it is a completely different story!

I can honestly say that (although thankfully few) there have been occasional threads where a trivial matter and the less than subtle replies along the "he is a controlling bastard" have encouraged the OP to rethink the relationship, or confront him, only to come back with another thread fairly soon after with a tale of how it has escalated, when a bit of advice to see his side of things could have sorted the situation much more amicably.

Oh yes, I'd cut off limbs to hear the other side sometimes squeaky (not my own, obviously).

'What do you find ridiculous about that, WorraLiberty?'

To me it smacks a tad of vengeance

Understandable, but ultimately Not Nice.

What do you find ridiculous about that, WorraLiberty?

I find it ridiculous because it's not as though the couple sat down and decided the woman should have the pregnancies and births rather than the man.

Men simply can't have them so that's a moot point...yet it's trotted out time and again and used as a reason for some posters to have zero sympathy for a man who happens to be worried about having an operation.

I might have written some of these posts a few years ago.

But actually, MN were completely right in my situation. My stbx was an abusive shit and I just couldn't see it at the time.

I think it is hard to see it when you are in it sometimes because it is so engrained in our culture. I would hate for the relationships section to be discounted as just a LTB haven, it is in my experience, far from it. I have very rarely seen bad advice. 1 in 4 women experience domestic abuse, it's a massive problem and many women are helped enormously by the relationships section. It is not in any way a man hating environment. It only hates abusive men.

i find the ones where the op is obviously being unreasonable and is losing the crowd and then they obviously add some new made up information which they know will make mumsnetters turn on the husband in an instant really funny.

also ones where the op is in the wrong and some people cant except it and try to justify them.

Or the threads that start with "I left my EA husband...."

Ok, lots of men are EA but so are lots of women

Often (but not always) the EA bit is never questioned...it's just taken as read and can shape the entire 'feel' of responses.

I like posters who dig a little bit deeper and ask a couple of questions before jumping in with "YANBU, leave the bastard"

A couple of questions answered honestly, can definitely change the whole thing sometimes.

Surely though, it's fair enough (and was always obviously only ever going to be the case) that, given that the woman has been in at least one situation of pain and fear by being pregnant and giving birth, not to mention the trials endured by hormonal contraception etc, the male partner could screw his courage up to spare her further worry and inconvenience ?

It doesn't seem at all contentious to me.

Absolutely it's fair enough LeBof

But I don't understand the lack of empathy/sympathy that's often displayed on MN.

Men's vasectomies and their fears about them are often either ridiculed with 'poor diddums' or simply dismissed with the wave of a hand due to the child birth thing.

I just think there's no need for it.

Yes, I think that it is always good to try to understand other people's fears, you are right that they shouldn't be lightly dismissed. But I don't find the logic used to be ridiculous; it seems fair enough to me.

What if a woman posted saying her DHs vasectomy hadn't done the job and he was now pressuring her into being sterilised when she really didn't want it LeBof?

I would feel sympathetic towards her and advise her to tell him where to get off.

However close the relationship is that you're in, nobody should coerce you into having surgery, it's a bit 'If you love me you'll recognise what I've been through and do it'.

I agree Worra, I really hate those 'why won't my DH man up and have his balls sliced up, I've had to endure childbirth so it's only fair type posts. At the end of the day it is still surgery surely they have a right to feel anxious without being ridiculed!

The worst ones are the ones where a woman wants to be sterilised and some posters say 'why we'll can't he have the snip the selfish coward, after all we women have to go through its the least he can do' type posts - err maybe it's just that the woman wants to be sterilised not because her DP has forced her!

It should be something you both discuss and agree on, absolutely. I am just saying that it's unreasonable for a man to dismiss it out of hand from squeamishness, when his partner hasn't had that luxury. And in my experience, men do tend to just shudder and discount the idea, when it's only fair that they give the idea proper consideration.

Very true, but in my experience a lot of women assume that because it is easier and less hassle for a man to get the snip than it is for a woman to be pregnant/give birth, it is 'easy'.

No one person has ever had to go through both experiences so I don't think they can really be compared in the way that they usually are.

I also hate they way some women use the 'well I just won't have sex with you again until you have it done' - to me that is quite manipulative and ea. I imagine there are probably quite a few men out there who have felt bullied into having one.

I feel I am digressing from the op somewhat!

Yes but if the man is actually squeamish?

I'm not talking about men who refuse to have a vasectomy (that's a different thread) I'm talking about those who have actually decided to take that step but their fears and worries get ridiculed by some posters.

They get told to 'man up' and the whole "Well I gave birth" thing gets dragged up.

Just because nature decided a man can't give birth, doesn't mean him having a serious operation should be dismissed or ridiculed.

But often it is and I find that sad.

Exactly Worra, the way some woman act it's like they've done their bloke a favour having the kids and do now they have to hold up their end of the bargain.

FWIW I think a couple should, ideally discuss their views on stuff like that before they have kids, that way it's not a case of 'I've had 4 of your children and now you tell me you're against having the snip!'

I totally agree Worra, it's not the twats who say, well I don't want to get snipped and I'm not wearing condoms so you'd better go and get sterilised, they deserve a hard time and I think MN can be very helpful to point out when someone is being completely unfair, but the poor decent DHs who love their partners and are willing to have it done but are understandably nervous.
I was nervous about being pregnant and giving birth, why should their feelings not matter.