Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is sharing over-rated?

58 replies

noobydoo · 21/07/2012 18:38

Maybe I should be posting this in parenting however, I would like to use mums net as a sounding board and also for a broader discussion.

I spend half my life telling my 3 and 2 year old to share and the other half telling them not to grab toys. I sound like a broken record. However, I have now come to the conclusion that maybe sharing (although not grabbing) is an over-rated concept.

I keep on asking myself but why do people need to share? How often am I expected to share my stuff with others? I seriously can't think of a really good explanation or reason for sharing. The best one I can come up with is the story of Rainbow Fish - who actually IMO bought his friends by giving each of them a shining scale.

So what do other mums netters think of my reasoning (or am I just stingy)?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2012 18:40

If a stranger in a park came over and wanted my smart phone, I wouldn't share. However, I make DD share her stuff. I'm a hypocrite.

Adviceinscotland · 21/07/2012 18:41

This is where I really fail as a parent!

I'm never sure what the "law" is with toys at toddler groups etc.

It usually depends on my mood if I ask the dc to pass a toy on after a certain time or if I tell the other child to find something else.

My dc always attract the children though who always want what my dc has just started playing with Hmm

Socknickingpixie · 21/07/2012 18:51

i think it very much depends on the toys intention.
if its for everybodys use then you have to share (playgroup ect)
if its just your then its yours but if you wish to have a friend over to play then you have to share

allthenicknamesarebloodytaken · 21/07/2012 18:53

I don't know. I think that it's important to teach DC to share personally, I te them have 'their' toys that are special and don't make them share these, but anything else is fair game.

I do have a few 'unconditional' parenting friends who don't ask their children to share at all, even if they've just been boasting to DS about what thy have, bought it along to the playdate etc. not that that stops them persuading my children to share there toys of course Hmm

worrywortisworrying · 21/07/2012 18:54

I couldn't agree more.

My DS has HFA and likes his toys ordered and neat.

When certain friends come over, I help him put his toys away in his room. Blush
He also has an IPAD which I never let make him share with friends. He knows how to use it, and understands the consequences of not treating it properly.

But, I do make him share toys that aren't his and don't let him snatch toys off others.

missdeelite · 21/07/2012 18:56

Sharing is tough when your still learning to cope with talking and concepts of ownership and emotions like jealousy! I was told children don't have necessary cognitive abilities til 3 years so you shouldn't expect too much it's something they learn gradually! IMO children who are good at sharing at a very young age are often unusually relaxed or passive rather than having a sophisticated understanding of sharing'! One technique to try is using a sand timer (so little ones can see time passing) and trying to get them to take turns. This solved lots of fighting between my ds 1 and 2 and I still use it now they're 4 and 5!

allthenicknamesarebloodytaken · 21/07/2012 18:58

Worrywart, I think that's fair enough, if DC don't want to share something I let the, put it away before their friends come over. But we've been rather often in the position of going to a friends house where anything DS tries to pick up is met with 'no! That's mine!', to which after the tenth toy s snatched back, his mother will say something like 'okay, you go and choose something for allthenicknames's DS to play with then'

Erm my son is 4, not 6 months!

missdeelite · 21/07/2012 18:59

What's 'unconditional' parenting allthenicknames?

allthenicknamesarebloodytaken · 21/07/2012 18:59

Sorry, my grammar etc is atrocious on the iPad

Chubfuddler · 21/07/2012 19:00

Ds has to understand that if he has someone over for a playmate everything on display is up for sharing. If there's something he desperately doesn't want touched we put it away beforehand. Likewise if he takes something to school or to a friends house - hes not allowed to take stuff for bragging purposes. It gets shared or it stays at home.

KellyElly · 21/07/2012 19:00

I suppose learning to share at an early age stops kids teaches children not to be selfish and helps to build a more generous and kind character.

civilfawlty · 21/07/2012 19:01

We used to deal with this by each child having one toy - my Dd chose her best doll - which they never had to share. But everything else was up for grabs. I think sharing means being prepared to take equal turns on a given toy. I dont, by the way, think it means snatching. That always was a tricky one.

allthenicknamesarebloodytaken · 21/07/2012 19:01

It's where you don't praise/ tell off/ bribe/ ask them to share apparently.

It actually has some interesting points in it regarding praise for praise sake iykwim, but not for me. And most toddlers parented this way do seem to be a bit brattish in my experience, but not sure if that's cause and effect or not

KellyElly · 21/07/2012 19:01

No sense there should have read teaches kids not to be selfish

allthenicknamesarebloodytaken · 21/07/2012 19:03

Sorry its not for me. I find it interesting but tend to pick the bits I like out of any parenting ideal rather than following to the letter

DeWe · 21/07/2012 19:04

At that age: All my dc had a favourite toy that I didn't expect them to share with siblings or friends. Siblings, just got told, but if a friend came round we would put it away. It was just one toy though, anything else had to be shared.

I have also put away a toy that's breakable before a child who is less careful came round. That's more respect for the parents. Nothing worse than finding your dc has broken something of someone elses.

In toddler group, if one of my dc had a toy that other children were eyeing up, I would tell them that they had 5 minutes. Then I'd put my phone onto countdown and my dc would know that when it beeped they had to hand it over. The 5 minutes also gave the possibility for the other child to decide that actually they didn't want it. Often my dc would go to hand it over to find the other child wasn't interested any more.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 21/07/2012 19:06

I can see the point of sharing in the sense that it teaches kids that other people have thoughts, feelings, wants etc which are just as important as their own. It promotes give and take in friendships etc.

But I do agree with the OP. I took DD to a park the other day and she was going down the slide when an older boy stood halfway up the slide and blocked her way. I was livid. He was annoying her on purpose.

Another boy then pushed her off the big seat/swing thing even though he only wanted to use it because she was on it.

I came away from the park vowing never to tell her to share again in the hope she would stop backing down.

MorrisZapp · 21/07/2012 19:07

Totally agree. I hate sharing. I don't even like sharing my food, never mind my stuff.

I do all the polite noises in public, but only to give the impression I'm a vigilant mum. Really, I'm not arsed about sharing.

missdeelite · 21/07/2012 19:08

Hmm sound interesting might read up on it (suspect if I had done thus with ds1 no one would have had played with us as he was very impulsive and strong!) I think supporting children in understanding how to share and take turns us important but expectations are unrealistic for toddlers and it takes a lot of time and effort!

allthenicknamesarebloodytaken · 21/07/2012 19:10

But wannabe, with respect, if you don't teach her not to, she may well be that older child blocking another child's way in a few years. Agree it's frustrating though, I've been in that situation lots of times and tend just to step in on DS's behalf and ask the child to move/ give back whatever they have snatched. Hopefully DS will learn to be assertive from seeing me dealing with it calmly and confidently.

DitaVonCheese · 21/07/2012 19:14

YANBU. I've been wondering about starting a similar thread but too chicken

I would be livid if DH came and kicked me off the laptop because it was his turn, so why should I expect DD to do it? Plus most often it seems to be used by other kids as an excuse to take things off her that she's playing with (at baby groups etc - as in come up, take it off her, and shout "You've got to SHARE!"). So like someone else, I make noises about it (sometimes) in public, but I'm not too bothered about sharing.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 21/07/2012 19:17

Yeah I was about to but his granny came over. By then DD was away off doing something else. If she did that I would have scolded her. It just felt like even the parents in that park (it wasnt our usual one) were really selfish and saw no problem with this kind of behaviour.

DD is 3.5 and shes always saying about taking turns and is always the first to share. But its becoming a negative thing now. Maybe letting kids learn the sharing concept themselves instead of constantly advocating it is more appropriate. Obviously grabbing etc shouldnt be allowed. But I fear I have turned her into a pushover.

Suckeddry · 21/07/2012 19:25

My niece is an only child & not brilliant at sharing. Hadn't made her very popular at school unfortunately. It can also make her look a bit spoilt when she wants the biggest/first/only whatever & doesn't consider others.

Becomes more of a problem when they older I think. DH is a brilliant sharer & it's one of the things I love about himSmile

2rebecca · 21/07/2012 19:30

I think it depends on what it is. At playgroups etc toys are usually communal so if there is a popular toy they should all take turns. On the other hand if my kid had a favourite toy they wanted to take everywhere with them I wouldn't make them share it, in the same way I wouldn't expect other kids to share personal toys, provided there are communal toys to play with.
If you have kids round to your house to play then your kids should share though, any toys they won't share get put away. In the same way if I have a friend around I wouldn't play on computer/ xbox etc on my own and not let her join in. (we usually just sit and chat though, I'm not a gamer).
My husband and I do take turns on the computer, similarly we decide what is on TV together so i think sharing stuff is part of socialising with someone. My teenagers also play xbox stuff together and with friends and they and their friends play with each others ipods re new apps etc.
If one of my kids has an ipod and the other doesn't though i wouldn't make them share it. The one without an ipod should have asked for one for Christmas, or is maybe too young for it.
Maybe it's because I was an eldest child but I have sympathy for older kids being forced to "share" stuff with younger sibs and not getting any pay back as they have no interest in little kid things.
Sometimes kids have to learn they can't have everything they see and other people's stuff is other people's stuff.

2rebecca · 21/07/2012 19:35

I think if I visited a friend and her kids wouldn't share stuff I wouldn't visit her again. If she mentioned it I'd say "I'll come round when x has learned to share as he was mean to (my kid) and wouldn't let him play with anything last time. I didn't have any friends that were that mean though.