Or is sharing over-rated?

[noobydoo]

Maybe I should be posting this in parenting however, I would like to use mums net as a sounding board and also for a broader discussion.

I spend half my life telling my 3 and 2 year old to share and the other half telling them not to grab toys. I sound like a broken record. However, I have now come to the conclusion that maybe sharing (although not grabbing) is an over-rated concept.

I keep on asking myself but why do people need to share? How often am I expected to share my stuff with others? I seriously can't think of a really good explanation or reason for sharing. The best one I can come up with is the story of Rainbow Fish - who actually IMO bought his friends by giving each of them a shining scale.

So what do other mums netters think of my reasoning (or am I just stingy)?

sharing is only pushed on kids so as to avoid fights and arguments breaking out and parents dont want a scene. only reason i can really think of because most people when they are older are very materialistic and selfish so whatever parents thik they are teaching their children it doesnt translate into adulthood.

I would like to see a good comedian taking this idea further, about an adult being made to share hs food and possessions with random strangers, haha

dunno - mine seemed to share and the gap was too big (3.5yrs) for them to fight over stuff with each other. I was an only and as an adult find it much easier to share, say, a bag of sweets, or a bottle of wine, than DH who's one of three and he's better at sharing than his sisters. It was interesting when one visited with her son years ago because he had huge problems with snatching, wanting, not sharing, etc., but perhaps it's largely temperament.

I think it's less about objects and more about co-operation, turn taking and consideration of another person's needs and feelings.

I think sometimes people take it too far. I wouldn't let DS monopolise a unique toy at a toddler group if others wanted a go, and I wouldn't let him barge in and help himself to something someone else was using. I wouldn't expect him to stop in the middle of a reasonable game and hand stuff over straightaway because another child wanted it, they can wait their turn too. And I certainly wouldn't expect him to share his personal stuff with a random stranger, friends playing over, sure, but not kids in parks or whatever.

Children don't have to share their toys and food with random strangers though, if you're making your kid hand over food and toys to random strangers then you are being weird.

I wouldn't invite a friend round though and get myself a drink and some crisps and not offer them some. That is what we are talking about here.

I think sharing is a very important social skill to learn and one that we do need in adulthood.

Just think of the disgust people feel towards the meanie who quibbles over their share of the bill, or who never buys a round.

That doesn't mean a child should learn to be a push-over.

We have communal toys in the playroom and garden that must be shared, and my kids keep special toys in their own rooms.
We don't insist on immediate sharing - if a child is reluctant to share, especially if they've only just started playing, we use timers.

I quite often had the e

Oops

Used to go to Kensington Gardens playground a lot (before it was the Diana playground).

Quite often had the experience of total strangers coming up to DD and snatching her toys (especially her toy buggy which she was inseparable from).

If DD or I objected they would get sniffy and say something along the lines "oh she hasn't learned to share yet". A few times I spoke back and said, "Oh can I share your Gucci handbag, posh phone etc..." That shut them up but they didn't like it.

Remember I once had some toys in the basket under the buggy, some kid came and snatched them, and the parent just stood their smirking at me - isn't my kids adorable sort of thing? In the sandpit etc we used to share our toys but I was pissed off when people just stood there and let kids take them.

Well, sharing doesn't mean letting other people grab your stuff, obviously.

But god - teaching your kids to share is essential, isn't it? It is all about teaching empathy, concern for others, appreciation of what one has...so they grow up to be nice people instead of selfish jerks.

I also believe (although I appreciate this is not for everyone) in a wider social model of sharing...I mean, that is essentially what "society" is about, sharing with those who have less. That is why we pay taxes to support schools and public education even if we don't have children or take the bus. It is why we give to charity, when we can afford it, so that other people can be helped. I wouldn't like to live in a world where adults didn't share.

Plus that stuff about adults buying their round and sharing their crisps!

Yeah I think people are getting sharing confused with letting other kids snatch etc. different issues surely. No I wouldn't let a child snatch something off DS but I also wouldn't let him choose not to share a toy with a child who had come to play with him, that was just sitting on the floor/ he wasn't interested in etc. in our house, the rule goes, if it's special, put it away, but once a toys been abandoned on the floor you're not playing with it anymore and it's free for whoever else wants to play with it.

um, i meant to write "public transportation", not "public education".

I've never come across random people in parks thinking it's OK for their kids to grab my kids' stuff. Maybe it's a London thing, Scotland tends to be more socialist than England but you don't let your kid nick a strange kid's toys off them unless you're asking for a fight with their parent.

Maybe it is just bloody Kensington! I assumed it happened everywhere

wannabedomesticgoddess I could right your exact post! although at the swing incident I wasnt as nice and i said in a voice as loud as I could without shouting there there DD you dont want to be around spiteful selfish horrible boys like that anyway. Guess thats why children need to learn to share, so they dont get to 10 and think its still normal to be a brat!

Sorry this is off topic. Thinking back on it, people were incredibly competitive and rude. I recall kids being encouraged to push others out of the way on the slide and climbing frame by their parents.

I remember a posh Mum once getting all superior because her 10 month old could walk and my 15 month old couldn't. She said something along the lines that her child was so advanced that she didn't know what to do; the devil got into me and I said with a serious face that I hoped that she didn't start her periods when she was 7!

Getting back to sharing - we used to get our two girls identical toys at Xmas, once younger DD had passed baby stage (though a 3 year age gap), and identical clothes so they wouldn't fight over them.

I think their nursery was very good at teaching them to play co-operatively with other children and take turns. Now they are teenagers they argue about possessions being taken without permission but are generally generous towards sharing stuff with family and friends.

If you dont teach your child to share and take turns they will not have any friends and will grow up very spoilt and lonely. It is not just about toys its about playground turns, helping them learn the social skills they need for school. My friends child is a spoilt selfish little cow, she is not allowed sleepovers no more round mine because she cant share even other peoples toys. If you want a child no one else can stand then by all means dont teach them to share.

BeingFluffy Haha I wish I had thought of that comeback when mine were that little.

I am also a hypocrite, tell my dc to share but when it comes to any form of chocolate, dessert or gin I REALLY don't see why i should give any to dh or anyone else for that matter...... So in a nutshell, no YANBU.

I would just go with 'treat others as you would like to be treated'. If you would like someone to give you a turn then you should give them a turn.

I'm in the minority then. I expect my boys to share everything if they have someone over and even with each other. By a happy coincidence my eldest is very good at sharing and it is the thing that makes me the most proud. I even think my 18 month is pretty good.

I think it's important because we are social animals that live in a community. And it's kind and generous and means you think of others. No brainer really.

As human beings we all have to share - we share space, resources, roads, facilities etc. and we have all had the experience of coming across people who clearly think that their entitlement surpasses everyone else's. They are not nice people. Sharing starts with sharing toys with your friends, taking turns on the slide and all those little things so we do need to teach our kids to share, but that doesn't mean they have to share everything.

I agree with you, Momsnatter, I found it very sad to have children who shared as the normal way to say 'it will be my turn soon, won't it mummy' to think 'probably not because the other child is not going to get off and the parent isn't going to make them.' They don't share, on the whole, unless the parent encourages it. There are always some things that you don't share- they should know the difference.