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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner and family against me

57 replies

angel05 · 21/07/2012 14:22

hello everyone. this is my first post and need advice before i go insane! i have been with my fiance for 7years, i was 16, him 18. our daughter is 3 weeks old and was planned. we live at my mums house until we manage to sort ourselves out. basically there has been arguements that my mum has been interfering where she has just tried to help as i have basically had to do everything alone and after a complicated birth with 3litres of blood loss ive been very sick. my partner has started staying at his mums house over night now and again and they are all giving me a really hard time as i do not feel comfortable with us staying there over night as i want baby to be in her own confort zone. i just dont want her to become unsettled as she screams all night as it is as she has constipation and colic. his family are really loud aswell. everyday my partner is having a go at me over it and its really upsetting me. i said why cant we go there all day and come home in the evening but no. him and his family are saying im talking s**t i quote. sorry for such a long story. any comments would be so appreciated! xxx

OP posts:
Gingefringe · 21/07/2012 17:34

At this stage you need to be looking after the baby and someone else should be looking after you - in this case your mum, who seems to be doing a great job as well as helping you with the baby.
Why don't you go over to your partner's family just for one night - if baby screams all night then so be it - maybe then they'll be quite happy for you to go back to your mum's.

Original poster
angel05 · 21/07/2012 17:37

thank you g1nger. i now feel i am in the right. x

OP posts:
Cokeaholic · 21/07/2012 17:45

To be honest he sounds immature. Does he work or have something else to take his mind off focussing on the novelty of the new baby.

The novelty will wear off.

Stand your ground, if your mum is being helpfully supportive and you have lived at her house before the baby came along there is no need to alter things now there is a "new toy" for everyone to want to have access to.

Popping round there everyday is more than some new mums would be prepared to do.

Look after yourself as you are the main carer for your newborn.

clam · 21/07/2012 17:46

A baby's place is with its mother. End of.
He's being ridiculous, suggesting he takes her away overnight.

LadyInDisguise · 21/07/2012 17:47

angel05 well he is right. This child is as much yours than she is his.

Which means that HE should be getting up in the night. HE should be feeding her, putting her to bed. HE should be looking after her, exactly the same that you do (and actually in some ways do perhaps even more either with his dd or to support you because you obviously had a very hard time and need to support to recover).

So yes he is 'entitled' to spend time with his dd and that start right now at home rather than at his parents wo you Hmm

Sorry for shouting but that sort of attitude really really annoys me.

holyfishnets · 21/07/2012 17:51

Your partner should be putting your needs first at the moment. He should be supporting you in your recovery and supporting you as you climb the steep learning curve of being a new motherhood. He should be making sure you are happy and OK above everything. I think everyone should be led by what you feel comfortable with and to demand and argue that it should be otherwise is deeply selfish and inconsiderate. A happy mum equals a happy baby/child. Any midwife worth her salt will tell you that.

Bubby64 · 21/07/2012 17:51

Hi angel, I agree with all said above, and also, if your DP wanted to take your daughter anywhere on his own, even for a couple of hours, never mind overnight, he would have to show himself resposible first by taking care of her on his own first, under your watchful eye, and I can't see him doing that at the moment, especially as he has just had cuddles, not done any real caring- When he has done a full night shift with her, shown himself capable and responsible, and is also more aware of the danger he could put his baby in by taking her to any house that is unclean with an untrained dog, he shouldnt even think about taking her for a night on his own!!

holyfishnets · 21/07/2012 17:55

Just read about the dog and its a 100% no. I'd never even let my primary aged kids sleep in a bedroom with a bitey dog, never mind a new born - even if I was with them!

You need to show him your post and the answers.

Can your MW talk basic sense into him. Ring her and tel her the situation.

holyfishnets · 21/07/2012 17:56

A new baby has to be with it's mum I agree.

PropertyNightmare · 21/07/2012 19:00

Your inlaws should fuck off. They get access to your child if and when you decide to allow it. Interfering bunch of cunts can do one if you're not up for their suggestion.

50shadesofslapntickle · 21/07/2012 19:16

Totally agree with propertynightmare. Don't let anyone tell you what you should do. Your baby needs you, NOT to be away from you! Stand your ground x

Original poster
angel05 · 24/07/2012 16:38

thank you so much everyone. on top of everything MIL expected me to bring bubba to stay while she had a chest infection l. what a knob. i dont want my dd getting sick! PROPERTYNIGHTMARE..... couldnt stop laughing at your post. thank you for cracking me up :-D xxxx

OP posts:
SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 24/07/2012 18:33

him and his family are saying im talking st

Oh, they're slagging you off behind your back, nice. This would make you want to stay with them how exactly?

Your DP and his family are showing no respect for you, no sensitivity to the fact that you've been very ill and that you're struggling with a new born who isn't sleeping well. They're being incredibly selfish and I think you're absolutely right in digging your heels in and refusing to cave in to their demands.

A new baby isn't a sodding toy!

ImperialBlether · 24/07/2012 19:19

OP, I don't want this to come across the wrong way, but does your partner have a job? Do his family work? They sound as though they've got too much time for arguments.

I'm really sorry your baby has colic and constipation. I didn't realise babies that young suffered from constipation - does your daughter have to see a doctor about that?

Stick to your guns. I'm sure you can learn a lot from your mum and I hope she lets you make your own decisions, too.

Original poster
angel05 · 24/07/2012 20:44

yeah i have brought her to the doctor and they said they dont want to prescribe any laxative for another two weeks as she is so young. when i had her i was so unwell i was unable to hold her for the first two days. heartbreaking! so midwifes fed her and didnt wind her properly each time so think it might have built up to colic :'( my partner does have a job and he literally has just walked out because we had an arguement. he hates living here at my mums because she makes to many suggestions and what started the arguement was she suggeated i get an air cooler for my room as its impossible to cool down. also he feel me and my mum is raising her. wtf! if i dont understand whats goin on i know no one else will. im now sitting here upset. he wants to go home to his mums.

OP posts:
G1nger · 24/07/2012 20:51

Let him go. He'll come back.

ImperialBlether · 24/07/2012 21:00

How was this a planned pregnancy if you didn't have somewhere to live together? I can understand he wants his own space but I don't think the answer is for him to move you two in with his family.

Could he just spend the nights at his home?

Original poster
angel05 · 24/07/2012 21:06

his mum lives quite far so we would only see him weekends. we planned to stay at my mums just until we can get our own place. it hasnt even been 4 weeks and all this has happened. he has lived here for nearly 2years and everything was fine. i dont know whats happened to make him like this :'(

OP posts:
G1nger · 24/07/2012 21:13

A new baby is stressful for both parents. It is also a time that shows us what we're made of. There are two things here:

  1. He's being an unreasonable, uncaring twat. No question.
  2. The question though is: why? It sounds like he feels left out. Can you involve him more in things - give him small things to do and feel appreciative. He could change nappies often, for example. Or can sleep on the baby's side of the bed (the side where the Moses basket is) for a few hours per night to give you more rest.

I think you two really need to talk. But I also suspect you need to spend a bit of time apart before you do so.

Good luck. Your mum sounds excellent x

lovebunny · 24/07/2012 21:18

congratulations on having your baby, being a new mum etc!

even more than usual as you've been ill, your mum will want to do all she can for you, and having you under her roof gives her that opportunity. sounds like you appreciate the help and have a good relationship with her.

your fiance must get on alright with your parents, normally, as he lives with you in their house.

i'm guessing his family are jealous that your family are spending a lot of time with the baby.

from what you've said, you're doing everything right - putting your baby first, inviting his family round...

i think you should keep on doing what you're doing and not take criticism from his family to heart.

ImperialBlether · 24/07/2012 21:20

Sorry, it was just that you said he'd spent nights at his mum's.

I think YOU should be in your comfort zone. Your daughter will be happy anywhere as long as you are okay.

Do you think you could speak to your mum and tell her to lay off the advice in the evenings, when your boyfriend is at home? She can spend all day with you (if she's at home then) and leave you two to it when he's home.

I know it's her house but she does have to remember you are the parents.

Original poster
angel05 · 24/07/2012 21:32

she does leave us alone when he comes in. she said she feels she cant even talk in her own house so she is very upset now as she just wants to help me. im still in so much pain. also her first two grandchildren live over 200miles away so she loves having us here. he has always got on fine with my mum and dad. i do try and get him to feed her, changr her etc which he does. my mum literally just asks how baby is and all that when he is here. he said he will help with the night feeds only so my mum doesnt. ive told him its making me depressed and all he says is me too. my stomach hurts... me too. im tired.... me too. we had an amazing relationship before and i feel i dont even.know who he is anymore

OP posts:
lovebunny · 24/07/2012 21:45

i'm sorry he's not supporting you. try not to worry too much about it right now. he probably doesn't know how to do the right thing and thinks his way is the way it should be.
focus on yourself and your baby. i'm so glad you have your mum around and that she can look after you a bit. my daughter has an 8mo and she lost a lot of blood at the birth and took several months to heal but she's pretty good now! give yourself time and do it your own way.

G1nger · 24/07/2012 21:52

Is there anyone you can speak to who might be able to talk some sense into him? He needs to man up.

As for the state of your relationship, give it time. It's 10 months since my son was born and my partner and I are still very much I'm transition. Lovebunny is right in saying that you have to focus on yourself and your baby for now. These are early days. Your partner is clearly, to me, very mixed up over all this and taking it out on you. x

NellyBluth · 24/07/2012 21:59

Oh, angel, I want to give you a very unMNetty hug. The first few weeks are stressful and terrifying for most people, DP and I argued a lot - you are all tired and overwhelmed and, in your case, recovering from a difficult birth. Your mum sounds wonderful for helping out so much.

I'm all for allowing grandparents to form a great relationship with their grandchildren and for mums getting their time off, including whole nights apart if they want to, but 3 weeks old seems a little young for that!

Focus on yourself and your baby and getting better. But keep talking to your DP. Tell him what you have been telling us, that your happy to see his parents lots but at night you still need your mum's support.

I hope things seem better for you soon.

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