To think my dh is a bit self absorbed?

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

He's now off fishing again. This has been just about every weekend since Easter. We have two small children who would actually like to see their daddy for a bit and I personally am going to be climbing the walls soon if I don't get a day away from the constant childcare/housework/foodshopping that is my glamourous life.

He does work hard but it's not that stressful a job. He seems to think he's the only one who deserves time off because of course I lead the life of Riley being a sahm.

And then when he is here he's getting fishing stuff ready or watching fishing tips online. Or he disappears out into the garden. Anywhere but with us, it feels like.

Feel like a single parent without actually being single. If I complain that we would like to see him he acts as if he'd actually rather be fishing. We do get on well, there are no other issues, other than him being a bit selfish, in my opinion.

AIBU? Now he's got small children shouldn't his first priority be them? I don't mind a bit of fishing but he's never bloody here.

So he's living the life of a single man and you the life of a single mum.

Personally i can wouldn't stand for it.

Er, you are nothing like a single parent!!! Nothing. Single parents are strong and cope alone. Financially, emotionally... The whole lot.

You, however, seem to be weak and a bit of a doormat. Stand up to the man! You are being walked all over here. Stand up for yourself a bit or it will just carry on. Fishing gear isn't cheap either. Can you as a family even afford it?

Ilove I feel your pain my not so DP fishes. When we had our son years a go he went every weekend all weekend it made me ill. He has finally learnt that he has to balance his hobbies with family life. It has taken a long time for it to sink in. We have DD now and he has stayed home for the past 6 weekends - weather has helped. I have to be honest I am sick of the sight off him and have sent him off this weekend.

Have you talked to him? Agree what is reasonable. Failing that make your own plans in advance. So next weekend he has to stay home with the children.

Simple answer:
Tell him that you understand he needs a weekend away and it does him good.
So good in fact that you would like to do the same.
As from next week you want to alternate weekends away. You're going off to do something you enjoy on your own /with friends while he looks after the kids.

You need to talk to him. Explain you need time out, too. Suggest he does one day fishing and you go off the other day (even if its to the local caff for a cup of tea and read your book) Leave him with the dcs for the day.

Selfish Man!

What does he say when you talk to him about it? If your life as a SAHM is so great, how come he doesn't want to do the same?

Why on earth do you put up with this behaviour?

I don't know why I put up with it. Habit, probably.

His parents are the same. His dad, although quite a nice man, is also utterly self absorbed in his own life and cannot understand why Mil gets so frustrated with him. I think it's a generation thing, he was the man of the house and it went without saying that his needs came first. Unfortunately I think some of this sexist outlook in life has been handed down to dh.

When he's here, it's fine. He'll do some of the childcare and has never shied away from a dirty nappy or bathtimes or story time. He's just never here!

Money isn't an issue. He earns well enough to afford his hobby. I don't obviously, being at home, so a weekend away for me is out of the question, unfortunately.

I had to ask him to come to the end of term party at school. He'd taken the day off and for some reason I thought it was to come to the kids do. He went off fishing the night before, came home for a couple of hours to come to the party and then couldn't understand why I was pissed off when he announced he was going back down to the lake.

It's not just me then. He is selfish.

So tell him that it feels like he doesn't want to spend any time doing things as a family and that hurts you.

And list everything you have done as a family for the last 6 months.

And ask him if he is in the family or not. Because at the moment - it doesn't feel like it and you'd like him to want to be with you sometimes at least.

But if, at the end of the day, he doesn't want to, then he's made his choice and it only remains for you to make yours.

Fishing does this to men! My DH can be the same until I remind him it's nice to have him home sometimes!

So you knew what to expect when you married him and had kids?

"Money isn't an issue. He earns well enough to afford his hobby. I don't obviously, being at home, so a weekend away for me is out of the question, unfortunately. "

If you spend your time looking after the children instead of earning money, then the fact he has money to spend on hobbies and you don't is an issue. You don't appear to have a very mutually beneficial balance to your lives. What do you think your children will learn from your set up?

Your money should be split, so of course you could afford a hobby of your own. That you feel less entitled to money than him echoes your feeling of being less entitled to time off.
It's a hard habit to change - I'm currently trying to think how to break the news to dh that (with arrival of ds2) he can't bugger off to the football every week.

Hang on, so his is the only income as your is looking after the children, yet he is the only one who is allowed to spend the money?

Your relationship is very unbalanced. I understand that he has old fashioned views (have you pointed out that he's like his dad?) but to a certain extent you must have as well to have allowed this to happen in the first place.

Does he honestly think you have no right to spend any money or any time of your own?

If he has views like this then why are you with him?

It sounds like he sees you as the hired maid!

What PooPooinmytoes said

How on earth do you live a life of riley??

Also, seeing as he earns all the money does this mean that you are not allowed to buy yourself food with it? Or is that allowed seeing as the maid needs sustenance to keep working at her job so a basic need for the employee. What about your share of the heating? Do you have to sit separately in an unheated room? Are you allowed clothes?

I know this all sounds sarcastic, but if you don't demand to be treated as an equal with equal needs and rights then a man like this is unlikely to change.

How's your self esteem? Wondering if you have little value for yourself and your job.

Yanbu OP - your husband IS selfish.

And the fact that he is allowed to spend money, but ypu are not is VERY telling.

I am a sahm, and both dh and I consier his wages as OUR money.

consider

He thinks I spend too much money. We recently cashed in one of his Isa's to pay for some new windows. As he'd opened it in my name because he'd used up his tax allowance I treated myself to a small shopping spree, about a hundred pounds or so, because it had earnt far more than that in interest in my name, and he moaned like anything and moved the other few grand back into his account. What, in case I'm so stupid and reckless that I accidentally blow five grand?

He pays a couple of grand into the joint account every month and that pays all the bills and leaves me a bit. It's always been an unofficial arrangement. He's generous to a point and them I feel reminded that it's his money.

Feels a bit like he's the boss. Can't wait until I can go back to work. A bit of independence in every sense.

I need a really strong statement to explain this to him. I'm not particularly articulate and when I try to explain that I feel a bit hard done by I get a bit tongue tied and come across as a spoilt petulant child, or that's how it feels.

This is ridiculous, I'm a grown woman with a university education and I'm so stuck in a rut I can't get out.

What are open university courses like these days? I could retrain at home. Well, in between my maid duties, walking the dogs and trying to get fit as well.

YANBU. He is a parent as much as you are and therefore at weekends, you should be sharing the parenting equally, whether that's looking after the children together, or tag teaming so you both get some time to yourselves to fish/ gym/ shop/ read a book or whatever. So that's one issue. The other is the money. Money earned by either partner should, IMO, all be thrown into the pot and be viewed as family money- so you should still have cash available to you for treats and hobbies, just as he does.

So when he complained about you buying new clothes did you mention how much his fishing costs?

He is not treating you as an equal.

I think you should right down what you want to say so that you can get it clear.

Write down

christ, this is more than about fishing by the sound of it. Find a time to talk when the kids are in bed and you feel you can talk calmly and maybe even have a list of the things you want to say, or outcomes you'd like to achieve so he knows you've thought about this and are not just having a whinge. Has he ever spent a day with the kids by himself? It might give him some insight into the fact that you do, in fact, work. The money he earns is the HOUSEHOLD income at this point. A common suggestion on here for this kin of thing is to work out roughly what it would cost to hire a cleaner (£10ph) and childcare (anything from £5-to God knows) per hour and present him with that. He has to be made to understand that you are an equal partner and need some control. DP and I have one account, its OUR money and we discuss any spending over about £30 before we do it. As to the time off, alternate weekends gives you time off but no family time. How about one each a month and two as a family?

It's never just about the thread, is it?

I'm horrified that he thinks the money is his to do what he wants with and that just because you spent a hundred pounds (how much does he spend on fishing gear, btw?) that you were likely to blow the rest.

Isn't he a bit boring if all he's interested in is fishing?

"Money isn't an issue. He earns well enough to afford his hobby. I don't obviously, being at home, so a weekend away for me is out of the question, unfortunately."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are SO MANY THREADS where this comes up! It is NOT "his" money. Your being a SAHM is what allows him to go out to work in paid employment, otherwise he would have to take care of his own children himself, or pay one hell of a lot of money for professional childcare. So the money paid by his employer covers his work outside the home, and your work inside the home. It is therefore joint money.

You are a team, each responsible for the same amount of work to maintain the home and family, and each ENTITLED to the SAME amount of leisure and personal finance. I suggest you repeat, repeat, repeat this to both yourself and your husband until you both get it.

I would then suggest that you change your banking arrangements. It sounds as if his salary is paid into his sole account. Either change that account to a joint account or he gets his employer to send his salary to the joint account instead. Agree together how much personal 'pocket money' you are both to have - and as a hint, your pocket money is to be the same amount as his. No ifs, no buts. You are a team of equals. Set up standing orders to pay this pocket money into your respective sole accounts. That money is purely personal , not to be used for joint responsibilities such as e.g. shoes for the DC, only for you. Remember, your work inside the home is what allows that salary to be earned.

It's a bit like the NHS. Many people do not value it, because they perceive it as 'free'. That which is free is often not valued, but taken for granted instead. Your husband perceives you as 'free', and accordingly does not value you. Change that - stop being 'free' to use. Start being valued.