to feel sick with horror at what BIL has just said

[Anna1976]

Re: the shootings in Colorado, to me, in a family Skype session, with parents, my sister and my 4yo niece all listening:

"Ha ha, we're all waiting for you to do something like that. He sounds just like you, weirdo reclusive medic with a gun habit"

They all laughed. I said "oh ha ha how hilarious, anyway, must get off and go to work" and ended the coversation.

I had no idea how to react. I didn't find it funny at all, I found it horrifyingly awful that anyone could say something like that about someone else. Or even think about someone else like that. And then say it in front of their family and have the whole family laugh!

Particularly as my BIL's mention of a "gun habit" is because he used to do Cadets when he was at school, and I used to do Biathlon (rifle shooting and skiing) during undergraduate uni, and so we used to sometimes discuss rifles, years ago (as in, about 15 years ago). Having done Cadets, he should have some grasp that just because someone has done a sport involving firearms, it doesn't mean that person is psychotic and homicidal.

This is just awful. I'm posting on here because I don't think I can really talk about this in real life.

Ahh, just read back to your last posts.
Apologies for any insensitivity in my post - didn't get the ASD link because I'd not read that pair of posts from you.

In which case - I think your BIL is an even more massive twat, and possibly your sister as well - to treat your, and your parents' condition (and their own DD!) as something to be mocked.

Given that you have Asperger's, I can see why you would have had the reaction you did - but I still say that it wasn't that much of an over-reaction, although I don't suppose your BIL meant it literally.

You know, I wonder if you're so angry because you're very hurt about your sister, too? Families are horribly difficult. How did she treat you growing up? Are you worried that she was insensitive/jealous of your achievements and she is going to be similarly difficult and non-understanding with your niece?

'sick with horror' hahahhahaha oh dear god.

I think that your reaction is not just to this one particularly barbed remark, but to the constant drip-drip-have-a-go-at-Anna that you have been subjected to.

Could I suggest that you consider using that catch-all Mumsnet phrase - "Did you mean to be so rude?" . It will cover almost anything that they could say to you. Even if they're subtle, you can always change it to "You've said x and y and z - taken together, they're quite rude to me. Did you mean to be rude to me?"

You can even imply that it's an honest enquiry, your Asperger's means you can't always tell intent, and they're family so shouldn't mind you asking, they're bound to want to help you distinguish between rudeness and social ineptitude blah blah blah . God, you could really stick the knife in them and twist it, if you wanted to .

Bit of an over reaction imo - heart racing and sick with horror - come on

Tactless joke, ignore or say 'Is that meant to be funny?.'

The next time any of them come up with a comment that offends you...resort to the MN classic 'Do you mean that to sound so rude?'.

Works every time :)

i
I have a few friends who have the most disgusting of humours. Despite their humour they are genuinely nice people most of the time. They make jokes about rape, Madeline McCann and other such things that personally I think is one pretty tactless and two often too soon after something has happened. Children being molested etc to me isn't the least bit funny. I just ignore their behaviour as best I can to be honest and tell them personally if I think they crossed the line with a joke because they wont know otherwise.

However with your BIL it seems it was meant to be deliberately hurtful and hateful. In which case I've had that before too about jokes about the best way to kill me etc. I just refuse to talk to that person anymore, because they are completely sick in the head. How something like that can be seen as funny I have no idea.

I would just avoid him as best possible as he's toxic.

that was a horrible thing to say and your family are very unpleasant for laughing at it.

I think gatheringlilac got it right about the reaction being to what I saw of the landscape of what BIL thinks about me. General thanks for the compassion shown on here.

Grendelsmum

2rebecca: black humour is useful. But different people react differently. I have always found the emotional side of medicine really, really hard. I have come close to suicide many times, not because of an inability to save a patient's life, but because of an inability to fix all the misery and destruction in the rest of the families. I have always had to just grit teeth and get on with it and go and cry in private at the end of the shift. I realise a thicker skin would be a very good thing. Somehow an endless supply of self-sabotage prevents me from just manning up and growing a thicker skin.

Thumbwitch: I spend a lot of time thinking "you don't need to be the product of your background. Swallow your fear, step up, play up, play the game, man up and be the bigger person and take pride in doing well by your own standards of what is good". Most of the time on shift and in my academic job, it works. Then I go home and sit in the bath and cry, or go and exercise until I vomit, or just go home and go to bed and sleep. It's not sustainable and I can't really handle the pressure. But at least I know I can't - most doctors think they can, and drink away the vulnerability until they end up with liver cancer or something.

Anna - don't you think your life would be less stressful and generally nicer if you didn't have contact with your family? They sound awful.

What are you going to do to relieve the pressure? You are right - you can't carry on like this :(

Chipping - I'm going to New Zealand for a year in September, with my partner. Going to have a low-pressure, part time minor academic job, no patient contact, and try to get my life back on track. I sort of need some kind of help. Scouts for grownups, something to help with motivation and confidence, since i am really struggling to sort it out for myself. Something that gets me to a point that I'm not spilling my guts in desperation on an internet forum at 2.30am.

Oh lovely. What part of NZ are you going to? I used to live in Auckland. Have you been there before? New Zealanders are lovely and NZ is a brilliant place to 'take a year out' Soak up the beaches, the sun, the people... you might not need much else really. If you do there are all kinds of things available - are you into any sport/exercise?

Anna, good luck. You're really honest and brave. Hang in till September and enjoy the amazing opportunity in NZ!

I am glad you're going to take a break from the stresses of your job, Anna - hope the NZ trip is very relaxing for you!
I do also think that taking a break from your family, since they appear to only add to your stresses, might be a good idea.

As for motivation and organisation - perhaps joining some kind of voluntary group might help you?

I can understand you being upset at your BIL's comment - it wouldn't even occur to me or anyone i can think of to make that kind of joke.
My point is: your BIL is a dickhead with a dodgy sense of 'humour' that isn't shared by most decent people - you may have ASD but he is the one with problems in my view.
Really, i would feel pity for a person who has the need to say totally inappropriate things to get a laugh - he clearly thinks he's a 'comedian' but just.. isn't. He's pathetic & not worth thinking about; just be basically polite if you see him, then ignore.

If he tries to make digs at you in future, just say, 'i can't be bothered to listen to you'...

More difficult with the rest of your family - you love them & don't want to cut contact so it's a case of accepting how they are.
They need you to fulfil the 'role' in the family that they have set out for you - a role that you do not feel happy with.
Sadly they can't (or choose not to) change their idea of what your 'role' in the family dynamic is; probably due to their ASD.

It's a shame for them because they are missing out on a good relationship with the nice person you actually are..

Try to ignore their bitching & any nasty remarks or unfunny 'jokes' - it's VERY difficult but it's the only thing you can do if you want to remain close. So look at ways to protect yourself from feeling hurt when you are with your family.

Meanwhile, a trip to NZ with your partner sounds exciting definitely :)
You have so much to be proud of in your life - a decent partner, a good career; intelligence & caring abilities; please try not to let your BIL & your family distract you from remembering that.

was a joke nothing more. he doesnt think your a killer

I second a lot of the comments on here. He made a cruel comment and your family laughed and Yanbu to be upset. However, he's clearly an idiot so let it bounce off u like water off a ducks back.

I agree he might have anger issues with your family's mental health issues. You could have a long think about whether u want to keep in contact with him and your family?

One last thing, I don't know a lot about Aspergers but you seem to have recognised an insensitive, unempathetic comment and he has not. So what does that say?

OAM2009 and Latara- thanks for that

Chipping/Thumbwitch - I grew up in Australia so I know just how little I understand about NZ . Going to the other end from Auckland, so it will be cold, but I like mountains and snow. As it's a university town there will hopefully be things to do - there seems to be some music to join in with - and there will be plenty to see.

Good luck, Anna, it sounds lovely

I haven't spent much time in the town of which you speak :) So can't offer any advice other than to say Auckland is the only city I'd live in, in NZ, everywhere else is too small for me and if I was going rural, like boat access only it would be on one of the north of the north white beaches x

When are you off?

Are you a teenage American based sociopath? If not, you wouldn't appear to fit the profile. I would point this out to them, along with their deficiencies in basic reasoning. They sound a bit thick.