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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel sick with horror at what BIL has just said

71 replies

Anna1976 · 21/07/2012 07:42

Re: the shootings in Colorado, to me, in a family Skype session, with parents, my sister and my 4yo niece all listening:

"Ha ha, we're all waiting for you to do something like that. He sounds just like you, weirdo reclusive medic with a gun habit"

They all laughed. I said "oh ha ha how hilarious, anyway, must get off and go to work" and ended the coversation.

I had no idea how to react. I didn't find it funny at all, I found it horrifyingly awful that anyone could say something like that about someone else. Or even think about someone else like that. And then say it in front of their family and have the whole family laugh!

Particularly as my BIL's mention of a "gun habit" is because he used to do Cadets when he was at school, and I used to do Biathlon (rifle shooting and skiing) during undergraduate uni, and so we used to sometimes discuss rifles, years ago (as in, about 15 years ago). Having done Cadets, he should have some grasp that just because someone has done a sport involving firearms, it doesn't mean that person is psychotic and homicidal.

This is just awful. I'm posting on here because I don't think I can really talk about this in real life.

OP posts:

Dprince · 21/07/2012 08:43

They are all twats. Damn phone.

FallenCaryatid · 21/07/2012 08:46

As a free, independent adult, why are you choosing to keep in contact with these people?

catgirl1976 · 21/07/2012 08:47

Sorry - your family sound horrible :(

What your BIL said was very crass

I was going to tell you that you had over reacted, until I read the further context on how you are treated by your family.

Original poster

Anna1976 · 21/07/2012 08:49

Dprince/Cutegorilla - thanks for those responses. The laughter was genuine.

The "reclusive" is specifically because I have Asperger's, as does my father and (mildly, unclear to what degree - at the moment she just seems a bit unsociable) my niece. And clearly my mother, but not diagnosed. I think BIL blames my family a lot for that, and he and my sister have a somewhat unreconstructed Daily Mail interpretation of what Aspergers actually means (ie everyone with ASD is rain man with homicidal tendencies).

The Aspergers kind of explains the laughter - they are all very very unempathetic. Asked objectively "is that an acceptable thing to say" my father and possibly even my mother would say "no it isn't", but they wouldn't get it for themselves. My father occasionally remembers to make an effort, but less and less as he gets older. My sister, having been brought up in a house severely lacking in any demonstrations of empathy or sympathy or anything like that, tends to be more insensitive than the average.

I also felt that given that BIL's daughter (my niece, with what so far seems to be very mild ASD) is very literal minded, even more so than the average 4yo, it seemed like an even more inappropriate thing to say.

Everything comes back to this. I hate it. I wish I were normal with a normal family.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anna1976 · 21/07/2012 08:52

JeezyPeeps - sorry for more drip-feeding. I have moaned on here many many many times about all this, in great detail, so didn't think about it being a drip-feed for someone who has not seen the previous moans and rants. Sorry.

OK - consensus is that the comment was twattish but shouldn't have provoked that reaction, and that it fits into the context of my family. I'll take that on board and go and get on with my day.

OP posts:

Spatsky · 21/07/2012 08:54

Sounds like your angry and hurt with the wrong person. The BIL comment is not great, but it sounds like you are displacing anger and hurt at years of nasty mother and sister coomments onto your BIL because, lets face it, its easier to be angry with an "outsider" than your own immediate family.

That's my pop psychology anyway.

PooPooInMyToes · 21/07/2012 08:54

It sounds as though you've taken it too literally but it also sounds as though they are mean.

ll31 · 21/07/2012 08:55

Huge over reaction-either tell him ur offended or ignore

JeezyPeeps · 21/07/2012 08:56

No, the context of your family means you are not overreacting, IMO. It's one more 'have a go at Anna' thing and that's not okay.

You need to stay strong with them and tell them when they are behaving inappropriately. And if it continues you really need to consider if this is something you want to keep in your life. I realise thd issues make it harder, but maybe you should only have contact on your terms - no bil, and no personal digs at you and your family.

I am now angry on your behalf!

Coconutty · 21/07/2012 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2012 09:27

They sound really horrible to you. Do you really want to keep up a relationship with them?

TheBigJessie · 21/07/2012 09:48

Given the background, both in this thread, and others, it was a nasty little dig by an atrociously ignorant prat.

Triggles · 21/07/2012 09:55

I think you need to start thinking in a "consider the source" type of mode. If they are routinely nasty, then don't remain in contact with them. If you insist on staying in contact with them, then get a tougher skin and learn to deal with it.

This thread is so obviously about more than just his comment. But if you're not prepared to either break off contact or simply ignore, there's not much we can do for you. It just means that every few months, you'll post on here about your BIL being a twat and saying something nasty, then dripfeeding again, and people giving the same advice they have here - either cut off contact or learn to ignore.

Although I do think to some extent you've overreacted as well.

Proudnscary · 21/07/2012 09:57

I, like others, was going to tell you to get a grip but given the whole situation, you are not being unreasonable and I can see how upsetting this was for you (I do think you should have explained you have Asperger's in your OP btw).

TuesdayNightClub · 21/07/2012 10:16

YANBU nor over reacting. I would sickened and disgusted if anyone in my family made a 'joke' about the horror of those poor people being shot.

The context and background makes it a personal, nasty comment and adds another dimension making it even worse.

I wouldn't bother ever speaking to these people again to be honest, other than to email to say why you thought it was inappropriate (mostly it being in front of a child).

Maybe some people think I'm over reacting, over sensitive, whatever. I surround myself with kind, thoughtful people who have empathy for 12 people being dead and don't treat their own family like shit. It works for me.

2rebecca · 21/07/2012 10:52

If you are a medic then your BIL maybe assumed you'd have a doctor's black sens of humour. He probably didn't factor in the aspergers. Most doctors I know wouldn't be "sick with horror" at that comment. They may find it tasteless, but black humour often is.

zookeeper · 21/07/2012 11:06

It's a stupid comment and, given that he doesn't like you, was probably intended to wind you up. I think you are overreacting massively to what he actually said though.

gatheringlilac · 21/07/2012 11:23

I get why you're upset. It's opened onto a vista of how deep his dislike of you runs -- and some of the landscape that his dislike runs through.

And it's not pretty. It's a pretty nasty, hate-filled place.

And of course, because he's dressed it up as a joke - how do you respond to that? Look at the answers here: they think you're over-reacting a bit.

That's kind of what he's banking on, and the horrible joining in of (cruel) laughter is the nasty corollary.

And you are right - making a joke about a mass-shooting is just ... grotesque.

Really, because you're not a sociopath, you are just going to have to mutter to yourself: "Well, I've got your number now, matey." And let it go. Unfriend him, though.

There';s a great line in "Limitless", the film. It's this: "The ex-Brother-in-law. Is there any more useless relationship in the world?" It makes me laugh because it kind of sums up the fact that so many b-i-ls are a real pain, and actually quite an irritation. They're only in your life because of who you are married to/who they are married to. And you end up with loads of displaced sibling craziness, mis-directed at you - and none of the benefits.

Just be glad you're not married to him!

GrendelsMum · 21/07/2012 11:47

Anyone else thinking that you could have said 'Believe me, when I become a gun-wielding psycho, you'll be the first to know?'

gatheringlilac · 21/07/2012 11:54

@ Grendel'sMum.

I think the OP's quite possibly too nice for that.

Having read DPrince's, cutegorrilla's, and TuesdayNightClub's answers, I do think that you are really very unfortunate with your b-i-l. I wish I hadn't been quite so glib. I do know that, while extended family bring all sorts of intensities, they also bring much love - much of the time. I do think he seems particularly difficult.

I think you probably can't cut him out of your life completely but I think that he is definitely a cross you have to bear in order to have a relationship with other people (for example, his children). He does seem extraordinarily lacking in empathy. And DPrince may very well have a point about nervous laughter. Poor you. He sounds a nightmare.

for what it's worth, I'm completely po-faced about jokes about killings.

gatheringlilac · 21/07/2012 11:55

... even though I laughed at Gredels'Mum's comment. which I don't put in the same category ....

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2012 11:58

Stupid ill thought out comment from him

Massive over reaction from you

Thumbwitch · 21/07/2012 12:05

Sounds like you are sick to death of being the butt of your family's "jokes" - so I'm not really surprised you've had this reaction to this comment. Your BIL is a complete arse and your sister isn't much better for laughing along.

Frankly, it sounds like you'd be better off not bothering with them, especially if they think you're such a loser (paraphrasing from what you've said they find amusing about you).

Let this be the last time you allow your family to treat you like dirt - stop laughing at their pathetic put downs and stand up for yourself. If they don't like it, they can shove it - you have achieved much in your life despite their putdowns, be happy with yourself.

FWIW, I don't really think you're over-reacting - I think this is more "the last straw".

LunaticFringe · 21/07/2012 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tartyflette · 21/07/2012 12:13

I'd be extremely offended if anyone said anything remotely like that to me so I do not think you are over-reacting. Trouble is, it's a bit late to say anything to him now without looking twattish, and perhaps adding fuel to the flames.

All I can suggest is next time you speak be on your guard and have a few home truths ready to tell him in case you need them.

Frankly if he followed that comment up in any way I'd be tell him not to be such a cunt.

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