to wonder why death can bring out the worst in some people?

[GnocchiNineDoors]

Or is it grief clouding their usual self?

BIL has very recently lost his mother. She has been ill for some time and has sadly passed away. He is one of four siblings (has one brother, two sisters) and his sisters have spoken to and planned their mother's funeral without informing him that the discussions / arrangements were being sorted.

They have contacted him and SIL (My DH's sister and her DH) and told him that they have made all of the arrangements and they need him to give them two thousand pounds towards the funeral.

BILs mother, brother and both of his sisters are / were unemployed and their has been a government grant towards the funeral of £1400, however they have been told by the Undertaker that the basic minimum cost for a funeral (cremation) is £4000 and the 2k short they have asked BIL for is the deposit needed.

BIL is employed, though is supporting a wife and four children so money is, of course, not readily avaliable. The Undertaker has informed them that they can have an 'account' of sorts which they can pay off the total sum within one year.

BILs siblings have demanded that he gives them 2k within a week as this is apparently a deposit which is required to book and go ahead with the funeral and they are apparently furious with him that he wasn;t involved with any of the planning which he was totally unaware was happening.

SIL and the sisters have had cross words and she and I were discussing tonight how they have suddenly become so agressive and demanding and while I have total sympathy at the loss of their mother, I think this negativity and anger is overshaddowing her death and tainting this already sad time.

The siblings have said that as BIL is the only one working, he should meet the costs of their mother's funeral himself and as they are are on benefits, their contribution is the governemtn grant given.

They haven't even offered to pay £5....£1....50p a week towards it.

I am so on BIL and SILs behalf and they are stuck not knowing what to do: risk resentment and family rifts or take on debts to cover the costs?

Sounds way too expensive for funeral. My mums was aboy 2.5k I think. It could have been cheaper though as they had an even cheaper coffin for funerals paid by state etc. Plus the money to pay for it came from the estate. Did his mum have savings/insurance?

Have I got this right?
Person A arranges a funeral, agrees a cost with the undertaker, and sends the bill to Person B?
If so, Person B has every right to tell Person A to piss off. Since he arranged it, he can pay.
Alternatively Person A will arrange it himself.

wonkylegs posted this link yesterday. I know it's guidance rather than hard-and-fast rules, but it does say: The following advice comes from the office of fair trading:

"When you arrange a funeral, you are responsible for paying the bill."

So theoretically it should be the siblings who have organised the funeral who should pay for the whole thing (less the government grant).

In practice, though, I imagine your BIL wouldn't tell them that; it's not that he doesn't want to pay anything, but he just wants to pay a fair share of the costs. Is there anyone else who can intervene and make the siblings see his POV AND persuade them to scale down the costs if possible? Someone they all know and trust, like an aunt/uncle/older family friend, perhaps?

Sallyingforth i agree but in my position my DB absolutely refuses to discuss it so when the time comes i will HAVE to arrange without his input simply because of the way he is. But should i be made responsible for the whole thing simply because he cant be an adult and discuss it in an adult manner?

It's a joke! I was ordered around about my mom's funeral and I thought fuck you it's my mom too. I wasn't allowed to go see the vicar so I went next day. I was told to have a word with about the photo I chose for mom's coffin.. I said no it stays as it is. The one my aunt chose me mom had a distant look on her face she weren't smiling and in the pub (my mother died from liver disease). .. one I chose she was happy and her chirpy self. I made sure I had my input. This is the thing with families when they can't be reasoned with. They all go against other people's feelings and make the funeral about them. Doesn't matter about the poor person in the box. My mother's eulogy seemed to contain too much of my brother and his bloody rave music. Sibligs rivary eh? I hope you're brother In law and wife can sort something. Families do ya head in. I hardly bother with blood relatives now. Only 1 who has made an effort and that's me cousin.