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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my mother to SHUT THE HELL UP

45 replies

headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 21:23

Sorry, i'm alone at home and in desperate need of a rant.

My mother does nothing but bitch and moan at me. All the time. Mainly about how unorganised I am, how bad a mother I am, DP is a bad father, the house is a tip, the kids aren't dressed properly and on and on and on.

She looks after the kids when both DP and I are at work, we both work full time shift work so some weeks she will have them for a few hours and some weeks she has them stay overnight. This has been the arrangement since the kids were born (they are now 5 and 8) and I have always contributed to the extra costs for her and she has never wanted to change the arrangement.

She has always been a major moaner but its getting to the point where I just walk out the house rather than engage in conversation.

Todays examples:
Why are the kids not in shorts (coz its cold and raining)
You should have given them a snack before they came over (it was 930 and they had a huge breakfast!)
The kids said Dad let them watch a horror film (it was horrible histories ffs but she is always so accusing of how DP parents)
I dont want DP to pick them up at 4.30 (um... but thats when he finished work, and when I asked why not, she has no reason she just wants him to pick them up "at 6pm or not at all" Angry)

There is no reasoning with her and I admit, I'm tired, DPs tired, we both have demanding jobs and maybe the house isnt show home standard but its clean and the kids are clean and fed and loved and always where they need to be on time.

She is so demanding and I know I should feel lucky that we have safe reliable childcare but I'm seriously considering finding an alternative.
She is so critical of the fact that I work, but complained when I SAH for a while because she never saw the kids (she did, every sodding week!), and I wasn't taking them out enough.
She has also said in the past that if I find alternative childcare she will never speak to me again.

I am so tempted to tell her to fuck off, but I know that it will backfire badly.

....plus, we are going to paris for 4 days next week together.

So really, AIBU to be really pissed off and drink a very large glass of wine tonight?

OP posts:
shoppingbagsundereyes · 20/07/2012 21:26

Find an alternative. If you pay for child care you can have it on your own terms. If parents do it you have to expect unwanted interference IMO. Sorry

HecateHarshPants · 20/07/2012 21:27

find alternative childcare and take back control. When you don't rely on her, you may find that you can be far more assertive.

RandomMess · 20/07/2012 21:31

She sounds a bit unhinged.

Actually I think she wants to control your lives and she's managing to isn't she?

SauvignonBlanche · 20/07/2012 21:31

YABU and are relying on her too much.

SecretNutellaFix · 20/07/2012 21:34

I agree with Random

justaboutisnowakiwi · 20/07/2012 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinkyWinkola · 20/07/2012 21:36

She sounds bonkers. Telling you when to pick up your own children? Blimey. She needs reminding who the parents are.

Definitely find alternative childcare and see her when you feel like it and don't be guilt tripped into anything.

lovebunny · 20/07/2012 21:37

drink the wine. don't worry.
mothers can be bitches at times. not that they should, but it happens.

WinkyWinkola · 20/07/2012 21:38

Or be held to random by her childish threats.

Sheesh. I am amazed and appalled at some of the things parents of grown up dcs do. I think I got so lucky with my parents even though they were quite remote when I was a kid.

MagicHouse · 20/07/2012 21:39

I think she sounds a complete pain. That said you are getting lots of free childcare so she is doing you a massive, massive favour.
You have to decide whether getting the childcare is more important to you (which fair enough it might be, as childcare is really expensive for 2), or whether getting control and peace back, but losing money, is more important.
Personally in your situation, I would be thinking very hard about whether I could afford to organise different childcare. I couldn't put up with constant nit-picking and criticism like that.

Original poster
headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 21:40

I am quite glad that the resounding opinion is that shes bonkers Smile
She is a control freak, she always has been but it's getting harder to manage and I'm sick of all the arguments she starts for no reason.
I can't talk to any of my real life friends because most of them dont have family nearby and tell me a shouldn't moan and im so lucky to have her help out.
but it is getting too much now Sad

OP posts:
hectorthestandbyhawk · 20/07/2012 21:44

My mil goes on like this but she's so random- she's as likely to complain I've over fed as underfed dd. I suggest you get different child care and only see as much of her as you can stomach.

RandomMess · 20/07/2012 21:45

Does she have less going on in her life than she used to?

Sounds like all her control freakiness is now focussed on you and the dc.

I don't think I could tolerate the way she puts your dp down, I'd just find that unacceptable.

MrsBonkers · 20/07/2012 21:47

There's no such thing as 'free' childcare - you always have to 'pay' for it somehow.

My DD is at nursery 3 days a week and my inlaws have her if I get stuck. I know they're doing me a favour, but I hate that they have me over a barrel.
Seriously thinking of going back to work full time so I can afford full time childcare and not feel beholden to them all the time.

GnocchiNineDoors · 20/07/2012 21:48

You need to start adding in some 'official' childcare, I think. An after school childminder monday to friday til say 5.30/6pm with her having them overnight if needs be.

Is there any flexibility in your and DHs shifts, so that you can each be off when the other is on?

Original poster
headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 21:49

She has never had a career as such, she was a SAHM to us, but has always had hobbies, friends, WI etc, and works part time during term time.
My brothers have both distanced themselves from her recently (actual miles not emotionally) but they are still in the same city, and she sees her other 2 grandkids every week.
Its just me that gets the earache!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 20/07/2012 21:50

Get alternative childcare. She won't follow through on her threat as she obviously wants to see your children (but as someone else said I'd find it sad that she doesn't want to see you that much. :(

LeanderBear · 20/07/2012 21:51

YANBU to want your mother to shut up, but you would BU to actually tell her to shut up. You need to have a good old moan, suck it up and put up with it as best you can. .....

.... UNLESS you find other child are arrangements! then you could tell to shut up as much as you want. (but you would probably regret it anyhowSad)

She does sound a bit of a nightmare TBH, although she is doing you a HUGE favour. How is she with the DC's

Can you just choose a few battles with her and still maintain the peace overall. Let most of her nonsense go but at least get her to understand how upsetting it is for you to be called a bad mother or whatever it is that bothers you the most.

Hope you feel better for the rant, have a Wine and a few more Wine [ wine]

RandomMess · 20/07/2012 21:51

Hmmmmm

Family scapegoat?

RandomMess · 20/07/2012 21:52

She's more careful with your brothers as she knows SIL has the ability to stop her seeing the other gc?

funnyperson · 20/07/2012 21:52

Here is an odd thing: five years ago I would have said your mum was a control freak.
Now I am dangerously near the age when I might be a granny I'm damned if I'm going to look after my grandchildren and be taken for granted as an unpaid servant.
Its quite different to having them over for the occasional treat.

Original poster
headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 21:54

lmrsbonker thats how I feel, held over a barrel!
I "pay" for it, she gets a cash payment each month plus expenses and extras for days out etc
but I also pay in the amount of grief and criticism I get

Theres not a lot of flexibility at work at the moment, although I have broached with my manager the idea of working permanent nights so that we would only need her every other week for 1 or 2 nights, but that wont be doable until DP starts uni in September.

Oh yes, and even tho DP supported me through university, the main moan at the moment is why on earth would i "let" DP go to uni?!?! WTF not!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 21:58

She is a very good and loving grandma, will always go out of her way to spend time with the kids and treats them very well.

Its just me and DP she doesnt like. Well, I'm sure she likes me but she also likes to compare my parenting with hers. And she's never really liked DP.

OP posts:
smearedinfood · 20/07/2012 21:59

If you are both working full time and you have kids, then your house isn't going to look like a show home. Fact.

Can you afford child care?

RandomMess · 20/07/2012 21:59

So how much more would childcare cost elsewhere?

roll on September!

Is she jealous that you have career?