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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my mother to SHUT THE HELL UP

45 replies

headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 21:23

Sorry, i'm alone at home and in desperate need of a rant.

My mother does nothing but bitch and moan at me. All the time. Mainly about how unorganised I am, how bad a mother I am, DP is a bad father, the house is a tip, the kids aren't dressed properly and on and on and on.

She looks after the kids when both DP and I are at work, we both work full time shift work so some weeks she will have them for a few hours and some weeks she has them stay overnight. This has been the arrangement since the kids were born (they are now 5 and 8) and I have always contributed to the extra costs for her and she has never wanted to change the arrangement.

She has always been a major moaner but its getting to the point where I just walk out the house rather than engage in conversation.

Todays examples:
Why are the kids not in shorts (coz its cold and raining)
You should have given them a snack before they came over (it was 930 and they had a huge breakfast!)
The kids said Dad let them watch a horror film (it was horrible histories ffs but she is always so accusing of how DP parents)
I dont want DP to pick them up at 4.30 (um... but thats when he finished work, and when I asked why not, she has no reason she just wants him to pick them up "at 6pm or not at all" )

There is no reasoning with her and I admit, I'm tired, DPs tired, we both have demanding jobs and maybe the house isnt show home standard but its clean and the kids are clean and fed and loved and always where they need to be on time.

She is so demanding and I know I should feel lucky that we have safe reliable childcare but I'm seriously considering finding an alternative.
She is so critical of the fact that I work, but complained when I SAH for a while because she never saw the kids (she did, every sodding week!), and I wasn't taking them out enough.
She has also said in the past that if I find alternative childcare she will never speak to me again.

I am so tempted to tell her to fuck off, but I know that it will backfire badly.

....plus, we are going to paris for 4 days next week together.

So really, AIBU to be really pissed off and drink a very large glass of wine tonight?

OP posts:

Iamseeingstars · 20/07/2012 22:01

Sometimes you need to take a step backwards and review all the criticisms and see if there are ways you can improve the situation.

Some people moan. Thats their makeup and she probably doesn't even realise how mean she is.

Getting alternative care will be expensive and is it want you really want.

You might need to have a conversation with Mil or get your husband to do it but you need to clear the air. Suggest that as she isn't happy, does she want you to find alternative care and put the onus on her as to whether you need to find alternative care.

EugenesAxe · 20/07/2012 22:06

But funnyperson I don't get the impression OP is taking her DM for granted, or that latter feels she is.

OP it sounds an empty threat... but think what it would mean to you to actually lose her support before you assert yourself that way.

LeanderBear · 20/07/2012 22:14

If she is nice to the DC's it would make it easier, if it were me, to put up with the nonsense. It won't be forever. Can you just try and strategise how you can manage and deal with her criticisms better. ( I know, I know, easier said than done)

If she has always been a control freak and has never liked your DP she isn't likely to change now. Sad but true

Is it possible that she is frustrated by something else? Is she resentful about something, for example, that you and your DP are happy together or that you aren't 'grateful' enough of her or something???

smearedinfood · 20/07/2012 22:19

I do wonder if there is a jealously element there. It may have been frowned upon for her to undertake paid employment.. Sometimes I feel that's an underlying issue with my own Mum.

smearedinfood · 20/07/2012 22:19

Or she's not getting out enough..,

Original poster

headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 22:22

I think we could afford outside childcare, I looked into it a while ago and it seemed manageable. I never wanted to take advantage and have always made it clear that if she isnt happy with the arrangement I will change it. But she will never give me a straight answer when I ask what she would like to do.
I have also suggested a childminder on school days and her just having the kids one day at the weekend but she wasnt happy with that suggestion.

Ok then, management strategies.
Apart from hmming and nodding which is what i normally do

OP posts:

Original poster

headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 22:24

I don't know about jealousy, she has said several times that she wanted to raise her children like "proper" mothers do.
I love my career and hated being a SAHM but she doesnt understand that.

OP posts:

littlemisssarcastic · 20/07/2012 22:29

OP, Does your mother express her dislike of your DP/criticise you/moan about these things in front of your DC?

RandomMess · 20/07/2012 22:30

I think I would work on her stopping criticising your dp or does it not bother him?

I don't think it's good that they hear your Mum slagging off their dad...

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/07/2012 22:32

"She has also said in the past that if I find alternative childcare she will never speak to me again."

Personally this alone would have me googling like mad trying to find different childcare!

Your mum is a control freak. It's sad it's pathetic but you are letting her do this. you and your DP need to stand up for yourselves.

Presumably she loves her DGC so even if she stops speaking to you, it wont be for long as she wouldn't be able to see them. And if she kept up the not speaking to you I'd honestly see it as a huge bonus

LeanderBear · 20/07/2012 22:37

hmming and nodding this is a perfectly good strategy, one I have used many times in my life, it's strangely liberating. I am looking at the person, agreeing and nodding at the person but in my head I am a million miles away.

LeanderBear · 20/07/2012 22:38

Darn strikeout fail

justaboutisnowakiwi · 20/07/2012 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

headlesshorseman · 20/07/2012 22:49

ah, i see you have met my mother justaboutisnowakiwi

that is exactly how i see it going. And that is why I very rarely say anything.

OP posts:

MsOnatopp · 20/07/2012 22:59

I can really relate. My parents openly admit that they will never let me leave without a fight (and by that I mean they will once again try to guilt trip, emotionally blackmail, push me out etc etc til I cave) the place that I live because it would mean moving DS away. They use the fact that they have helped me in hard times to make me feel guilty about having a new relationship that could potentially take me away in the future (distant or not too). Oh I feel so torn.

If you can allow yourself to take back the control I urge you, and then pass me some of that courage.

ENormaSnob · 20/07/2012 23:05

So what would happen if it were your mil behaving like this?

I can't see how this is healthy or fair for your dc or your dp.

Hownoobrooncoo · 20/07/2012 23:14

See that you can afford childcare so you are not financially stuck on her help. You allow yourself to be treated this way, what do you want to happen and how far are you willing to take it. If she is this negative then I'd worry about the effect and what she was actually saying to the children.

stop complaining and do something aout it if it really upsets you or just put up and...

HecateHarshPants · 21/07/2012 07:25

So don't ask what she would like. Tell her. Childcare arrangement not working. You think it would be best if she is simply Grandma.

It really is within your control. You have to realise that. You somehow seem to feel that you are powerless here, but you aren't. You are allowing yourself to be treated like this when you have the option to say no, I'm not doing this, it's not working out and I don't like the way you are treating me.

How she chooses to react to that, by sulking, shouting, spitting out her dummy - is her problem. At the moment, you are allowing your fear of her reaction to convince you that you have to go along with what she wants.

Well, you're not a child. She's not the parent in control. you are an adult with a family of your own - which you are in charge of!

Change the way you see yourself and the way you see your relationship with your mother.

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 21/07/2012 08:42

Totally agree with hecateharshpants - this situation is within your control.. You just have to let go of the notion that you need to keep quiet for the sake of your mother's feelings - she's not considering yours!

My mum would be just like yours if she was to look after my children - which is precisely why I'd see Hell freeze over before allowing her (or any other family member TBH) to be 'free' childcare - its just not worth the agro IMO

Dprince · 21/07/2012 08:50

This is the reason my as goes to nursery. Mum, by her request, picks both my kids up from school/ nursery on a Thursday has them an hour that's it.
She did look after dd more (now 8) bit relying on her for childcare made her think she was in control and entitled to her opinion.
I have brought as (17 months) up much more how me and dh wanted to. Dd is amazing so it worked well. But ds' baby time has been more relaxed.

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