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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage Daughter - bisexual

50 replies

BettySuarez · 20/07/2012 19:23

DT1 (aged 16.5) told me today that she thinks she may be bisexual.

We talked for a long time (over a cuppa in M&S!) about how she was feeling and we came to the conclusion that being bisexual may very well mean she gets the best of both worlds

AIBU however to think that boys who 'come out' have a much easier time of being accepted generally compared to girls?

There are a number of boys (who are mutual friends of DT1 and DT2) who came out in years 10 and 11 at secondary school. As far as I am aware, their peers have accepted their sexuality with a level of maturity and 'coolness' that I am pretty sure I would not have witnessed when I was at school (I am now in my 40's). Times have clearly changed!

DT1 experienced bullying a few years ago at a previous school which had pretty catastrophic consequences for her in terms of her mental health and it has been a long road for her to recovery. I can't help worrying that she will start college in September naively thinking it will be safe for her to have open discussions about her sexuality.

Or will it?

Is it just me that is not being 'cool'?

DT2 also mentioned today that she wants to go on the pill. It's been a funny old day and I can't wait to debrief DH later

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 20/07/2012 19:25

Actually being bi or gay is a lot easier for girls (IME)

NurseBernard · 20/07/2012 19:27

I think the opposite as well. My brother was 30 before he came out.

PeggyCarter · 20/07/2012 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonkeyMollocks · 20/07/2012 19:29

I think the opposite too.

IawnCont · 20/07/2012 19:31

No, I think OP may have a point. My brother is gay, and came out aged 18. No problems at all. My best friend is a lesbian and came out aged 18, and though most people were absolutely fine, she found the reactions of a lot of women very difficult to deal with. A lot of her friends took a step back (thinking she fancied them ) and she found it hard to maintain some of her more intimate friendships.

BUT this was twelve years ago. I think a lot more people come out younger now, and I'm sure your daughter will be fine. :)

BTW OP... You must be a lovely mother for her to feel she can talk to you about this at such a young age. You obviously have a good relationship. Well done :)

smoggii · 20/07/2012 19:34

I don't know. I have two lovely cousins just in their late teens male cousin came out at 15 had a pretty easy going response (most family members expected it) female cousin (same branch of family and a year apart in age - they are cousins not siblings) waited until she was 18 because she thought she would have a rougher time. She didn't have a rough time (we are lucky to have a lovely family) but most family members did (and still) refer to it as a phase which will change when she wants kids .

I think often people find it harder to accept from a girl possibly because (IME) there are fewer early signs. Girls are actively encouraged to do all the things that in the past may have been (stereotypical) indicators. IYKWIM.

I also think people don't take it as seriously from girls, many people believe it's something that can easily be changed at a later date, they are wrong.

JeSuisBanane · 20/07/2012 19:35

No I think most people now would be accepting. When I was at college 6 years ago there were a few openly gay people and most people were accepting of both the boys and the girls.

smoggii · 20/07/2012 19:37

As IawnCont said, good on you for being the type of mother that their child can come to about this, I hope I have the same type of relationship with my DD.

And i'm not sure i made it clear, i don't think she will have a hard time, i think society is much more open and accepting but she may get a few people who don't take her seriously.

NurseBernard · 20/07/2012 19:37

The media depicts bi-sexual women as practically the norm; you're no-one if you're a female celebrity and haven't had a snog with another women [rolls eyes at the tediousness, band-wagon-jumping-ness and pandering to male fantasies-ness of it all emoticon] and again, lipstick lesbians are a widely known phenomena.

Many gay men get a hard time in male environments as well, and you never see men snogging for the benefit of women...

NovackNGood · 20/07/2012 19:38

Much easier for girls I would have thought and if you believe some men then she'll instantly be ten times more popular for the fact that she is Bi.

lilolilmanchester · 20/07/2012 19:39

how wonderful that she has you for a Mum.

I am straight so no personal experience, but my understanding is that research shows it is harder being bisexual that gay, regardless of gender - on basis that you are not totally accepted by either straight or gay community. . Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you might want to read up on that aspect, forewarned, forearmed ....

DowagersHump · 20/07/2012 19:41

Novack - that's men who believe porn is real

It might be difficult for her but I don't know what the world is like now. When I was at school there was a lot of homophobia around.

TheonlyWayisGerard · 20/07/2012 19:42

I think it's easier for girls. One of my female friends is bisexual, it was barely commented on, yet when one of my male friends announced that he was, it was a much bigger deal. I haven't ever heard anyone say anything negative to my female friend, but have heard things said to my male friend sadly.

SoleSource · 20/07/2012 19:44

I am bi-sexual but I would never tell anybody. I haven't got the guts. I admire people that can be open about their sexuality. I really do not want to be subjected to anymore ridicule than I have already suffered via having a mixed raced disabeld DS, being very overweight, on benefis and aq bit wacky. Gawd I am odd.

Littleprincessrocks · 20/07/2012 19:44

Two of my friends came out at high school (girls) and it was a non-issue apart from when one of them said she had a crush on me, I was shocked, but soon found it funny when she said "that was last week, this week I fancy her over there!" lol
At college there were a few bi-sexual and homosexual people in my year group, 4 of which were in my friend circle(2 boys and 2 girls). None of them had a hard time with it. They were all open and honest about themselves, and we accepted them.
College is very different from highschool. There was no bullying, no real nastyness.
Your daughter will probably find if she is open with her friends they will respect her.
And well done you for being so cool about it!

Thecunningstunt · 20/07/2012 19:45

I think coming out is very individual. How "successful" it is depends on the people around the person coming out. If family and friends are accepting then that makes it a lot easier despite the gender of the person. Society as a whole, seem much more accepting in general from when I came out 14 years ago. Athough I had great support and have had Little homophobia...but a lot of general ignorance(ie people as if my dp is the "man" in the relationship because she works put of the house, whilst I work from home..I set them straight). Gay male friends don't seem to experience any more than me.

Overall I think society is much more open to all the colours on the sexual spectrum than it used to be. But there are bigoted aresholes, and they pick on who they want.......and I don't think I have answered your question at all!

Tobagostreet · 20/07/2012 19:45

Sorry - don't have anything constructive to add, as I've no real experience here.

But needed to post to say that you sound like a really great, supportive and very 'cool' mum. Hope my kids can talk to me as openly as your do at that age .

Thecunningstunt · 20/07/2012 19:46

"as" =ask and "put" =out

smoggii · 20/07/2012 19:46

No Solesource you're human. We're all different.

SoleSource · 20/07/2012 19:52

Thanks smoggi :)

I should say risk any ridicule. Not saying tour DD will receive any.Iwouldn't know as I am not that brave. Bit of a chicken really. Life is so complex but she has her lovely Mother. For tha she is one lucky Lady :) I wish you all the best.

TeddyBare · 20/07/2012 19:53

I think society perceives girls who come out as somehow less serious and more likely to change their mind than boys. Are the rest of your family likely to be supportive of her?

PeggyCarter · 20/07/2012 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka · 20/07/2012 20:35

I definitely agree that girls are likely to be seen as 'going through a phase' especially if they are bisexual. Kind of, 'she must have seen it on a TV program' thing

However I think when it comes to things like violence, boys are more likely to be targeted than girls

rhetorician · 20/07/2012 20:43

hmm, not sure about ease of coming out nowadays (I did it in the Dark Ages, when it was definitively Not Good), but suspect that lesbians do have it a bit harder - I think the differences between gay men and lesbians at all levels illustrate that male privilege is alive and well (by which I mean that it's perfectly OK for a man to be very open about his sexual activity, and less so for a woman); there is more visibility for gay men too. Women feel threatened and men either go off into some fantasy or think that you just need sorting out (which is another direction for the fantasy, I guess).

It may be, commendable as her openness is, that she thinks that she is a lesbian, but that saying she is bisexual feels less final...ime people of all orientations are usually pretty suspicious of bisexuality - it makes everyone feel insecure...

she is lucky to have such good support, and this will help her massively as she figures it all out. Most people have to do it alone :(

Wellthen · 20/07/2012 20:44

She sounds a very intelligent young girl and you a wonderful supportive Mum!
I came out as bi at the same age. Generally well recieved but there are always girls who insist you fancy them and guys who think you are their personal porn show.

I think college is actually a good place for it. One of the difficulties I have found with coming out is people feel they have been in some way lied to, that you were pretending to be straight or something. The people she meets at college will only have ever known her as bi so its kind of a non subject.

My own experience echos what people have said here; she may not have problems with abuse but she will find that people think she is gay and hiding or straight and seeking attention. Men often find bisexual women arousing and see this as an excuse to ask personal and offensive questions.

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