Teenage Daughter - bisexual

[BettySuarez]

DT1 (aged 16.5) told me today that she thinks she may be bisexual.

We talked for a long time (over a cuppa in M&S!) about how she was feeling and we came to the conclusion that being bisexual may very well mean she gets the best of both worlds

AIBU however to think that boys who 'come out' have a much easier time of being accepted generally compared to girls?

There are a number of boys (who are mutual friends of DT1 and DT2) who came out in years 10 and 11 at secondary school. As far as I am aware, their peers have accepted their sexuality with a level of maturity and 'coolness' that I am pretty sure I would not have witnessed when I was at school (I am now in my 40's). Times have clearly changed!

DT1 experienced bullying a few years ago at a previous school which had pretty catastrophic consequences for her in terms of her mental health and it has been a long road for her to recovery. I can't help worrying that she will start college in September naively thinking it will be safe for her to have open discussions about her sexuality.

Or will it?

Is it just me that is not being 'cool'?

DT2 also mentioned today that she wants to go on the pill. It's been a funny old day and I can't wait to debrief DH later

I don't think it is a good idea to come out, bisexuals are sometimes totally unaccepted by the gay community. She could be given a hard time.

There is another reason I see regularly amonst teenagers. Sexuality grows and develops and changes at this age. Many of my "gay" students have run into difficulties a few years down the line when they have wanted to "come out" as " not gay any more".

Some people are gay only for one part of their lives.That part might be the teenage years.

I haveactually had a student who left the area and all her friends because they had so supported her homosexuality that she was too embarrased to tell them she was straight now.

Wherever you go, whoever you are, you're always going to meet some tiresome arseholes.
She's got a lovely, supportive sensible Mum, she sounds like a smart kid with a good deal of strength. She'll be OK. She will get a certain amount of crap - stupid people will call her attention-seeking, indecent, dishonest, whatever. But there will be plenty of nice people, too.

The truth is that nearly everyone is potentially bisexual, it's just social conditioning that insists on a binary division between straight and gay.

I can offer my own experience, if it reassures you: I 'came out' as bisexual to my friends at school when I was 17. Nobody ever seemed to have a problem with it - my mum/siblings knew too.

I'm Bi and from personal experience girls seem to have it tougher in the sense that family can often be a problem (though this doesn't seem to be a problem for your DD :) ) and close friendships can become far more awkward because for some reason closer friends can suddenly be worried that you fancy them when you come out .

Just from the people I know who are gay/bi the guys seemed to have a far easier time being accepted by their family/friends but they are far more likely to become targets of homophobic abuse off strangers than girls are.

Just a quick word of advice for your DD, some people don't seem to believe that bisexuality exists, and think that you are either straight but trying to get attention or a lesbian who won't admit it, I've heard both those comments far too many times. She needs to perfect her eye roll and come up with a good comeback for that!

+1 for expressing admiration of your success as a mother. You have made your kids' task of finding their sexuality so much easier by your understanding. Well done!

I came out as bisexual at college when I was 16. It wasn't a big deal. It was for the guy in my friendship circle who did though, he got bullied whilst I did not.

I think it is something that is very common but not spoken about. I have quite an open group of friends and I would guess about half the girls are bisexual to some extent or another, from talking to them.

It really depends on her peers. Maybe 16 is a little young as her friends may be immature, but from 20 onwards she'll be fine

I think that a female coming out as bi-sexual is generally viewed as 'acceptable'. Men are often threatened by lesbians (for some weird reason) and men who are either homosexual or bi, but ok with women who bi.
Women are sometimes funny with bi or lesbian women and sometimes it's totally fine.

At 16.5 I think many people will (possibly rightly) assume that things may change, she may well be bi but she may end up discovering she is gay or straight...

My DD age 17, has told me that she has snogged her friends when drunk. I am not bothered but this is information she would not share with her Dad even though she chooses to live with him rather than me. She went to one party and had a 'nice time' with the hostess. Told me it was the first time she had 'got with a proper lesbian'.

At the moment, she has a bf. OK fine. Whatever.

I saw one status update on facebook where she was talking about an amazing party she had been to and a lot of her friends were commenting about her snogging boys and girls and not being fussy. They were all pretty accepting and she is a popular girl at college.

I wouldn't worry too much!!!

I'm a bit at Lemonpie there was a time when gay people were afraid to come out because of the risk they wouldn't be accepted, had they not things wouldn't have moved forward therefore i can't see how anyone could advise someone not to let people know a significant part of their identity.

Are some people really only gay for part of their lives?

I think people make life choices which might not fit with the way they have chosen to identify themselves previously and they think people wont understand their choices because of that but your sexuality is part of who you are not something you choose to be so it doesn't come and go.

btw, I am not in any sense suggesting that bisexuality doesn't exist, or that it's just a phase - simply that the transition from being bi to lesbian is a reasonably well trodden one. But if she knows her own mind there's nothing to be gained by concealing it - and if her friends are good ones they will accept her identity fully and completely. It's a pretty good way to find out who your true friends are!

smoggi, yes ,I think some peoples sexuality changes during their lives, certainly my sisters has, she was gay from about 20-40 ish, I think, but when she was gay, she raly was gay, not slightly, or a phase, definatly real, but turned out not to be lifelong. I think withteenagers it can also quite commonly change.

Perhaps I'm wrong about not being accepted, it's just what is reported tpo me locally, that ther is a rather acrimonious split between gay and bisexual teenagers. Hope it isn't general!

I do think however that some teenagers end up wisheing thaey hadn't been quite so public. Friends is one thing,

I'm surprised how many people here seem so sure of their opinions on who gets it worse, gay boys or girls. It all depends, surely? I suspect it is true that young gay men are more likely to be physically attacked, but it's pretty common for teenage lesbians too (see the Stonewall research). And straight girls/women are often very protective of gay men, in a way that they are not of gay women (ever noticed that there is no equivalent of fag hags for lesbians? Nobody wants to be our mate ).

Having said all that, I think it is amazing how much more accepting society is now than it was when I came out. And the college environment is usually way more accepting than a school

I have to say I completely disagree with lemonpie's post. Of course your dd should come out if she wants to. So what if she decides she's straight later? Plenty of teenagers think they're straight then come out as lesbian later in life. Sexuality is fluid, all she can do is honour where she is at this current time.

I'm also sad that some posters have suggested she won't be accepted by either straight or lesbian communities. I know bisexual women sometimes get a rough time, but this is by no means universal. I am a lesbian with plenty of bisexual friends, and indeed a bisexual dp of 20 years standing. I'm secure enough in my sexuality not to need my friends to be, or stick to being, straight, gay or bisexual. And I don't think I'm that unusual.

Well Devora, what would you sy to my students? About half who come out as gay later "change their minds" although I don't realy think thay HAVE changed their minds, I think they realy were gay, then they realy were straight, do you think that is right? How would you support someone "coming out " as straight, after being publically gay? Is it helpful to TEACH that these things might change through your teenage years, or later? I'd be interested to hear what you have to say, this is a situation pupils sometimes come to me with.

lemonpie I do see the point you are making, actually - sexuality is something that now seems to require a public profession of some kind; yet if you say that it's something that might change in the ways you describe then there's the danger that you trivialize something that for many people is life-altering.

I agree that coming out is pretty difficult whoever you are, although there are clearly some situations that are worse than others - there's a great organization here called Belong2 - I know you are UK based, but there are great resources and tips on their site which is here. The key thing in all the research seems to be a small number of close friends/family who are supportive. It's also the case that coming out is not a single statement that defines your life for all time - rather tediously (I find, in my 40s) it's something that you have to keep on doing - it's a process. And people assume the norm unless you tell them otherwise. I don't come out to everyone I meet - although mostly I do now that I have children...

YA-sort of-BU, but then times constantly change so what was the case seven/eight years ago when I was in high school has probably changed!

When I was at school the emo thing was going about, and it was cool to be bi no matter which sex you were when in the group, but people outside of the group were equally harsh to anybody who wasn't straight.
Girls had an easier time of it though, because every single emo or grunge girl came out in year 10 I think only two or three of us are actually bisexual, but everybody thought that it was awesome. The bi boys on the other hand were few, and they had a rough time of it from what I can remember. When some girls tried to get me kicked out of the PE changing rooms they were told to grow up or shut up. When some of the boys did similar the bisexual boy ended up having to change on his own as the student teacher agreed
Though over the years I've had female friends who've recoiled when they've found out and think I must fancy them and also that I must be promiscuous. Love the weird stereotypes!

She'll probably have an easier time of it in college tbh, college is where you end up meeting a few close friends who are similar to you and realise that nobody else really matters

It's good that you were able to talk honestly about it with her though. I told my Mum when I was 17, she told me that I was going through a phase and I'd grow out of it.

Thank you everyone for your very reassuring and kind messages. It really has been reassuring and thought provoking.

I think that family on both sides will be very accepting and supportive should she decide to tell them. I'm not sure about her twin though, she may well struggle with it for a while but they are very close normally

Hmm. It depends a lot on your surroundings. I had a bisexual friend who said that she wasn't accepted by straight morons or gay morons, and so she had twice as many morons to deal with as everyone else. It was very, very true.

lemonpie, I think that for women, in particular, sexuality can be fluid throughout life. Clearly this is especially true for teenagers. And of course teenagers sometimes get into a posing-as-bi thing because they think it's cool, just as gay teenagers often pretend to be straight.

The answer, I think, is to accept what they say they are for as long as they're in that space, trying to avoid making a huge deal of it or in any way implying that it may be inauthentic or temporary. So, ok, a 15yo girl in my extended family is calling herself bisexual right now, and many members of the family are making a bit of a fuss about it, discussing if it's true and if she 'really' is bisexual.

I think that whole discussion is pointless and disrespectful. Right now she is declaring herself open to the possibility of relationships with either sex. Good for her: more teenagers should do the same. I've said as much to her. What I didn't do was grill her on what relationships she has actually had, or expect her to 'prove' it in any way, or ask her to anticipate where she might be in five years time. I'm just happy for her that she's enjoying exploring her identity, and what she thinks she might want from her sexuality (when she gets round to exploring it more actively). If, in a couple of years, she decides that she's actually heterosexual, I'll be pleased for her that she's a sussed young woman who has worked out who she is and what she wants to do. Ditto if she decides she's actually lesbian. Or a definite confirmed bisexual.

It's GOOD for young people to think about this stuff. The process of self-discovery is what is important, not the outcome.

I think that it all really depends. You can't say it's always easier for boys or always easier for girls. It just depends.

I'm bi, but always assumed to be straight. Gay women think I'm not gay enough for them, straight men get all "woo, can I watch?" which is just fucking offensive and straight women think I'm going to touch them.

Not all the time obviously. Only stupid people think those things.

Gay men have a much bigger community and are more visible, but they have to deal with a lot of shit as well.

Anyone who is in any way different gets shit. It's shit, basically.

The "twice" shouldn't have been in there.

IME there is generally less violent homophobia towards women. Gay and bi women have to put up with a certain amount of harassment by cockfaces who have watched too much porn and just think 'oh yay, threesomes' but they're overall less likely to have the shit kicked out of them just for who they're kissing.

I think it's swings and roundabouts for gay/bi women: on the one hand less (though not nonexistent) homophobic violence, on the other hand people often don't take your sexuality seriously and just imagine it's a 'phase' or that you just need a good hard fucking to sort you out. Which isn't a nice thing to be told by some drunk lairy stranger.

Good luck to your DD, OP. You sound lovely and supportive

Thanks Devora, that is quite helpful. We do get people from stonewall in to give assemblies and things at school. In some ways they are great, but I do find them quite flamboyant and sometimes a little bit miltant. What we don't have is just normal people talking to the students, if you see what I mean.

You are a wonderful mum, needless to say.

My sister is 26 and has been in a same-sex relationship for over a year, but has never actually 'come out' in the sense of standing up and pronouncing her revised preferences - which I think is actually quite cool because, after all, it's not relevant to anyone she's not sleeping with.

One thing that a bisexual friend did once say was that it can be the worst of both worlds - some people can see your sexuality as a bit of a joke or titillating (cf. girls snogging girls for the benefit of the menz) while some people who identify as homosexual can view you with distrust (I can't remember what the pejorative term was but it wasn't nice) and/or accuse you of cowardice because there's this belief that bisexual people are heteroromantic (therefore using homosexual people? I dunno). So there is that. I don't personally believe it's a reason to hide your sexuality but I don't think it's unreasonable to be prepared for that sort of reaction.

I've always been open about my bisexuality since I was 13 (23 now) and it was fine on the whole. Particularly at college, everyone was cool with it. I do get the odd 'your greedy' or 'why don't you just pick one' but I can usually explain to them so that they understand that that view is flawed and unthought out. I've actually had a lot of gay men tell me I'm just being slutty and I should choose, I suppose anyone can be taken in by homophobia.
I think it should be fine and it's wonderful that she wants to be open about it. Has she been with a girl? It's a completely new hurdle when you come out as a couple. The problem mainly comes from older people ime, who don't understand and don't want to.