To think that estate agents' adverts are written by morons?

[ShellyBoobs]

Recently I've seen:

"The property enjoys far reaching views..." No it doesn't. It's a fucking inanimate object incapable of feeling emotion.

"This newly built home benefits from gas central heating" No. The occupants might benefit from the heating but the home won't know much about it.

"This fine residence..." It's a 2-bedroomed bungalow. As nice as it might be, it's hardly a fucking 'residence' is it?

The best estate agent's description I have ever seen contained the phrase "close to the prestigious Waitrose supermarket" !

Also a small flat in Peckham with roof terrace was described as having "Mediterranean atmosphere"

I get irrationally upset with the phrase 'warmed by' it is generally describing central heating FFS. That and the idea that the EA are 'thrilled/chuffed/proud to present' like the unveiling of a newly discovered Michaelangelo sculpture.
I made the first two up BTW.

When I sold my flat the photo the estate agent had of my living room featured my cat charmingly licking his arse on the sofa.

You can say PISSED

Apart from that, yanbu. Estate agents are a bunch of be-gelled tossers.

They always do that myself yourself himself speech as well.

You can say PISSED

Apart from that, yanbu. Estate agents are a bunch of be-gelled tossers.

They always do that myself yourself himself speech as well.

wetaugust actually not all houses are architect designed. Most new houses from big housebuilders are a standard house type that may if it's lucky have input from an architect but is more likely to have a technicians stamp on it.
An awful lot of houses don't have any architects input in the uk as there is no requirement to use one. However if a good architect has been involved (I stress good as I'm aware my profession has a few shit ones too) then the house should be better considered in terms of space and aesthetics and less likely to be bog standard.

Zipzap - you're not in the south are you?! My estate agent did the exact same thing! Their write up about my house was terrible (spelling was wrong, no paragraphs or punctuation, they even got the town wrong!) so I rewrote it, they made a fuss about using it, then went on to use it for other similar properties

I have always refused to buy through 'fine and country' have you seen the complete and utter drivel they write:
?This exceptional Grade II listed former rectory impresses at every turn, from the exquisite circular ballroom to the stunning Aga kitchen boasting aspect eastern;"
"Boasting aspect eastern'
Fuck off you fuck wits!
Purple prose at its worst.

'SOUGHT AFTER' NOT 'SORT AFTER' the utterly jaw droppingly fucking useless mind withering bombastic dim bastards.

One word sums up neatly sums up some of the duplicitous trash who work as Estate Agents in parts of this country....Foxtons

I dread having to interact with estate agents next time we more (near future due to job)
I am an architect, I might know a tiny bit about buildings, I do not like being patronised and fed BS by EA's who often know very little. I hate the fact that I had to rewrite the blurb for both the last two house sales, take the photos & do the viewings myself + deal with most of the questions and communications from potential buyers. It meant that I paid extortionate fees for what amounted to web & window space only.

What is the difference between an estate agent and a mouldy herring?

One is slimy, has scales and smells funny. The other is a fish.

Mmm, don't see the issue with 'residence' myself.

I'm not buying but I like looking in estate agents' windows (yeah, I have a full and rich life), and round here there are both huge, three-storey houses with a river in the garden going for upwards of a million, and tiny, new-build shitty one-room flats being described in exactly the same language. Why?! Do they not get that it makes you automatically think, 'well, if that heap o'shite is a 'beautifully appointed executive dwelling', their standards must be pretty low?

Our lettings agent, I shit you not, described our current flat as having 'period charm' (yes, I thought of mooncups, but no, the period was the 60. Not known for its fine examples of breezeblock architecture, is it?)

I still prefer estate agents to recruitment consultants though. Now they really are pond life.

you can say it twice getorf :)

This has been enlightening reading - I am right this minute writing ads for a real estate company . I'm trying not to go overboard!

Disclaimer: I'm not a sales person, but a copywriter...

"A credit to its current owners" makes me go a bit stabby. And why do they need random quotes all over the place? eg wall-mounted "Potterton" boiler.

"the property is warmed throughout by gas-fired central heating" What else would you expect the heating to do?

I saw a good one recently. It was a big old property with a rear corridor and the brochure kept referring to "access via the back passage" which I found terribly amusing.

There should be a statutory requirement for estate agents to be able to use the word "comprising" correctly.

This stunning Grade II listed Hall is a family home magnificent, with two self contained apartments offering opportunity most potent;
I did try reading the whole brochure, but it's unbelievably awful.

I love the "period charm" (mooncup! ) and the proximity to Waitrose :)

For what it's worth, my house benefits from proximity to the prestigious Waitrose supermarket too, AND to the local prestigious Argos outlet... And it is chock full of (1975) period charm, warmed by plain radiators in combination with really quite low ceilings. The sheer amount of dust that is findable on the floors, and the preserved 1975 bathroom decor, are a credit to the owners ...

And I truly hate the ones that are erroneously called "house" or "maisonette": if it is all on the 4th floor of some building and it has no separate access from the outside etc etc then it is a FLAT, people. Not a house, not a maison, not a maisonette. grrr.

Characterful. What the actual fuck? I would never buy a house from an EA who uses this word.

For totally ott Estate Agent-speak guaranteed to make you cringe see this link which I put on a thread earlier this week.

Yes yes to the comprising training!

This property comprises of....

Arrrrrgh!

I think they must go to a special school for murdering the English language. Like police officers. They must have a special school for that too.

WetAugust

" The one that makes me boil is 'Architect designed'.

Surely anyone who designs a house is an architect - houses don't design themselves.

As an architect I only wish that were remotely true...

Sadly very few houses these days are designed by architects. Most developer-built houses are 'designed' by a combination of engineers, quantity surveyors and so-called interior designers.