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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with my snooty friend

64 replies

SarahLawrence · 19/07/2012 11:10

Ok ok, i know you will all say i AM being unreasonable but here goes. It's my friend's daughter's 2nd birthday party on saturday and when we were told about it at the last minute we had already commited to another birthday party and we are going up to stay with friends in London afterwards, so this extra party was going to be a real hassle. But I felt I should go, so my husband is going to drop me off at my friend's party with DS 2.5, then my husband is going to take my other DS (5) to his party and drive up to london. I will then get the train up straight from our party and meet him there.

I relayed all that to my friend and asked if someone might be able to drop me at the train station after her daughter's party so we could go up to London. She said her husband will have been drinking, so I replied saying don't worry, I will see if someone else can drop me or we can get a cab, or we could always walk (about 1/2 hour). She replied saying I assume you are bringing your car seat then? Er no, I can't possibly take a massive toddler car seat, a 2.5 year old and a buggy on the train by myself, but it's only five minutes in the car so he can just sit in the back next to me with a seatbelt on. Her reply to that was "I would certainly not give you a lift without a car seat and nor would anyone at the party so you had better bring the buggy and walk."
Yes thank you, very helpful. Of course I know I shouldn't just strap him in the back, but it's five minutes, he's not a baby and it's a one off, I don't have many other options. I know it's not the safest way to go etc etc, but it just felt like such a snide dig when I'm breaking my neck to get to her kid's stupid party that frankly I feel like saying don't worry, we can't come.
Yes. I know, I am probably being unreasonable!!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 19/07/2012 11:12

Get a cab. They will take you.

Or just miss the party... (which would be my choice tbh)

kittyfishersknickers · 19/07/2012 11:13

I wouldn't even bother going tbh. It's a 2 year old's party. They will not care and it's a massive hassle. Just say it's going to be too tricky and you can't come

lisaro · 19/07/2012 11:14

Caring about someone's child more than the patent seems to doesn't make someone 'snooty'. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Jemma1111 · 19/07/2012 11:15

If your friend can't be arsed to help you out then why bother going ? I certainly wouldn't !

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2012 11:15

I wouldn't go. I'd say, "I've thought about what you've said and you're right, I would need a carseat, so we're just going up with my husband in the car instead."

TheSkiingGardener · 19/07/2012 11:15

Dump the snooty friends party and relax.

SecondRow · 19/07/2012 11:16

It is a 2 year old's party - don't they have a car seat you could use for the five minute journey?

Passmethecrisps · 19/07/2012 11:18

If it is a child's party I would assume that pretty much everyone in attendance will have a car seat in their car and could offer you a lift.

Don't go - it's a massive inconvenience and the child won't notice.

Not sure your friend is being snooty. She is, however, being massively unhelpful.

GoodHeavensNo · 19/07/2012 11:20

It's legal to take a 2 year old on public transport without a car seat, this includes taxis as well as buses and trains. I've done this on the odd occasion.

Personally I'd miss the party though.

JennerOSity · 19/07/2012 11:22

She is right, to risk an unrestrained car journey (even though very short) is not something I would do personally. If that is what it took I would just give my apologies and not go. So I think your friend is not being snooty, just sensible.

She probably doesn't imagine that you are going under sufferance, but because you want to, and no doubt assumes that if it was too much you would have declined the invitation. If a friend of mine accepted an invitation but was secretly resenting the major effort and logistics involved I would be utterly bewildered why the invitation wasn't just declined!

You say you felt you should go but does that feeling come from you or her? Would your friend actually have sulked / been annoyed if you hadn't gone? - if not (and I suspect not - unless she is very high-maintenance) then really you have created the predicament and could probably quite easily un-create it!

I think you need to reconsider weighing the effort/hassle V. social graces factors to check if you haven't got this a little out of proportion.

MammaTJ · 19/07/2012 11:23

I agree with Imperial.

Original poster

SarahLawrence · 19/07/2012 11:25

But if I decline the invitation now it will look like it's because I'm annoyed at her comment. God I don't know why i care so much what people think! It is too much hassle, I will find a polite way to blow her out. Thanks for the advice!

OP posts:

KenLeeeeeee · 19/07/2012 11:27

YABU to think that her insistence that you use a car seat is down to snootiness. That said, YANBU to be surprised that no other parent at the party will have a car seat you could borrow for the journey.

Personally I would give the party a miss and explain that you had prior commitments. Easy.

PleaseTakeOffYourJimmyChoos · 19/07/2012 11:32

As it was a last minute invite I'd decline to go if I was you.
When you tell your friend blame it on your DH making an excuse about a change in travel arrangements etc..
If you do go then like others have said I'm sure another parent would have a car seat if not just jump in a cab but do you really want the stress of it all knowing you have a long journey afterwards?I know I wouldn't.
Sometimes its best to just say NO as much as it's hard sometimes.

Suzietastic · 19/07/2012 11:32

I would be really annoyed if I thought the parents running a party ny 2 year old was attending were getting bladdered. Seems a bit...

Go to London, sounds like a lot of hassle.

post · 19/07/2012 11:34

Gosh, don't go. You can tell her that you've realised that as you won't be able to get a lift it'll be too difficult (though why your ds can't use her dd's car seat I have no idea).

HeadfirstForRomance · 19/07/2012 11:37

"But if I decline the invitation now it will look like it's because I'm annoyed at her comment. "

Not if you say what imperial suggests.

HeadfirstForRomance · 19/07/2012 11:39

Also I do think she is being snooty and looking down on you. I agree you need the car seat, but if you were my friend in the same situ I would say you could use mine and try and be helpful!

pictish · 19/07/2012 11:44

She's very unhelpful isn't she? There is bound to be car seats left right and centre at a 2yr old's bday party, so I think her attitude sucks.
I'd not go. I'd say what Imperial suggested and bodyswerve the party entirely. I wouldn't put myself out for someone that can't be arsed to help me in the most minor way. No siree!

JennerOSity · 19/07/2012 12:06

This is a bit like a soap where the characters all get offended and upset because no-one has just come out with what is on their mind and been honest.

Just be open, tell her you really wanted to go and had not wanted to miss it, you made the decision hastily as there wasn't much time, but on balance it is too much to manage. Agree the conversation you had made you realise that you also didn't want to skip the child seat but you couldn't think of another way of doing it but at the same time lugging all the equipment round on the train doesn't work either. You can say the conversation triggered a rethink because you agreed with her, but it was out of realisation of what is really involved in going, not offence at her comments which has given you the change of heart.

Ask if you can get a date in the diary to come round to give the present, spend time with her and her dc at a more mutually beneficial time.

I doubt anyone could object to that. Don't forget at parties we rarely see the host for more than 5 minutes as they are spread so think so neither of you will miss the lack of one another on the day.

JennerOSity · 19/07/2012 12:07

think - thin

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 19/07/2012 12:07

I would be tempted to say "oh, I didn't realise the adults would be drinking - we've decided to just all go up to London together in the car. Thank you so much for inviting us, sorry we won't be there"

Lilicat1013 · 19/07/2012 12:09

Personally I wouldn't be willing to give someone a lift if they didn't have their child in a proper car seat no matter how short the journey (technically it would be my husband giving the lift as he drives but I am sure he would say the same).

However in this situation I would have got my husband to give you a lift and suggested your child use my 2 years old's seat. As several people have mentioned the others at the party must have child seats as they have similar aged children.

I do just think you should tell you you can't go though, it seems a huge amount of stress for a toddler party.

msrantsalot · 19/07/2012 12:09

Shes not helpful but it should be the driver that got into trouble if stopped, not you. I wouldn't put any of my friends in that position by asking them to drive my child without a proper seat. Or would you pay the fine for them? YABU just miss the party.

BupcakesandCunting · 19/07/2012 12:11

I wouldn't go! The two year old is going to be so overwhelmed with cake/presents/guests that honestly, she won't notice.

Take her DC a nice present beforehand so that you aren't "punishing" the birthday girl by not going but I would let them mum know that it's her unhelpfulness that's changed your mind

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