to have accidentally kidnapped a child?

[BrittaPerry]

OK, looking back, IW (a bit, without meaning to be) U...

This afternoon, I was messing about with my bicycle, fitting my new child trailer to it, etc. A little girl (who I have chatted with before - I know where she lives etc but don't know her very well, iyswim) came over and started asking questions about everything, in the way that 5 year olds do.

Well, she was passing, on her scooter, with a group of adults, and she stopped behind. She does this quite a lot.

This little girl spends a lot of time out in the street, follows people down the street chatting to them, etc. I know her mum to nod to, but don't know anything more about her.

Anyhow, so then the little girl invited herself into my front garden and started smelling all the flowers, chatting about snails, etc. The fence is really low so she was still visible from the street.

DD1 (who is also 5) came home, and was really happy to have a little friend to play with. I was actually overjoyed to hear her taking turns, having "normal" conversations and so on - DD1 isn't so good socially and in fact last year this little girl had refused to play with DD1 because she was apparently "weird". So they played various little games, went creepy crawly hunting in the bushes, etc.

The little girl kept wandering into my house, so I asked her if her Mummy knew where she was. She said yes, definitely, but I was still a bit iffy, so I told her to go to her house, get a cardigan (she was a bit cold) and ask her mummy if it was ok for her to come and play for half an hour, and that I would be just outside my house if she wanted a chat.

So, little girl goes skipping off, I watch her across to her house, she goes in and is about ten minutes, then comes out with a cardigan. I thought it a bit strange that her mum hadn't even said hi, but I had seen a blind being lifted up so I thought maybe she was busy or shy or whatever. I was stood where I was very clearly visible from the house for the whole ten minutes.

OK, so the little girl came in my house, I gave her a cup of water and got out the colouring pencils and DD1 and LG sat happily chatting and drawing - we got the microscope out to look at the fibres on the paper, etc. It was very nice :-)

But then, LGs mum came down the drive, shouting at LG through the window to "come out of there right now!" and LG ran to the door and started crying while her mum shouted about how she had been looking everywhere etc etc. The poor woman looked really worried.

I told her that I had asked LG if her mum knew where she was, but the mum didn't really acknowledge me.

Now i feel really bad - did I kidnap the little girl?

I wouldn't let DD1 go in a house without a quick chat with the adult, but then I wouldn't let DD1 spend so long outside without me checking on her - by this point, LG had been with us for about 2 hours - so I presumed that the other family were more relaxed or the LG was just more trustworthy and able to be responsible, or both.

So... WIBU? What should I do in future?

I wouldn't trust a fairly random 5yr old to have actually asked.

As the adult and house owner, I would have gone over and spoken to her Mum.

I've done this in the past with various kids who swear blind they're allowed in my house.

I would have popped over with her just to make sure. I know my DD does not always ask things of adults when I ask her to. Always best to be sure.

But you told LG to tell her mother that you would be OUTSIDE your house, not that you were taking her inside?

Of course you didn't kidnap her lol Next time you walk across and speak to the parent.It sounds a though the LG hadn't properly explained which house it was she was going to and her mum thought it was soemone else.Once she's got over the horrible fright you have when you can't find your child I am sure she will be in touch.

That's a weird one.....if she had been with you for 2 hours

I think in your situation, I would have gone with the child to introduce myself properly and ask if her dd could come in to play.....

.....but ultimately, she is BU for just leaving her dd out on street for 2 hours?

She was cross with herself for forgetting her for 2 hours and took it out on the little girl/ignored you.
Never mind, great your dd had a good play.
Next time you see Mum on the street I'd apologise (not really your fault but no harm) and then say how lovely her dd was and would it be ok if she came to play again-say you'd let her know if she was coming in.

Well, if this other mother is prone to leaving her 5 year old outside for the best part of two hours she really ought to thank her lucky stars that she was just plaing inside your house with your DD and not somewhere much less pleasant.

Silly cow.

I'm really shocked that the little girl is out the front on her own unsupervised for quite a long period of time!

You put it better than me Buppy

Tbh, I have been a bit about the amount of time the little girl seems to be un supervised - every evening she is outside for 2 or 3 hours, following people asking where they are going etc. I'm the Avon lady for the street and she follows me around quite a lot. But, you don't know other peoples lives etc, and she seemed happy, so fair enough.

well in your shoes i'd have probably gone with her to ask, and you did have her for quite a while

but mum must have known where she was otherwise how did she know which house to come to?

maybe she was embarassed that she had let her stay too long or something?

I don't know if it is fair enough though britta?

5yo alone outside every evening for 3 hours? Is she neglected?

Snot great if she is following people

I should add, this is the first time DD has ever had a friend in the house (who isn't the child of one of our friends, iykwim) so I am open to ideas of how it all works.

I suppose on some level I might have thought it would be 'nice' for her to come in rather than wandering about. But then I felt bad for thinking like that.

I think you made a mistake and I can see in the circumstances that I might easily do the same thing. I think all you need to do is go and see her mum, say straightaway that you thought she knew where her DD was and that you should not have taken the little girl's word for it, you are hugely sorry for the panic caused and you hope that she will be able to come and play again. Invite her to come for a cup of tea with her DD first? I agree that she should have been checking on her child more often, but I'm sure that when she did look for her she must have been very worried and we all know how difficult it is to be rational in that situation. Go soon though, while she's calmed down but before she starts dwelling on it.

In future I'm sure you will be a bit more wary - but this is how we learn :)

TBH the girl had gone home to get a cardi - and there's no reason for you to think she wouldn't have told her mum where she was going when she did that.

I would also assume a 5yo left to play out for so long was use to and programmed to inform mum where she's going.

She is a lovely little girl though - we genuinely liked having her to play.

That happened with a 6yo girl who was friends with my DD, they would play together down the park. She kept trying to come round, but I said that she needed her mum's permission first. I even gave her the phone number to give to her mum, but I made it clear that her mum had to speak to me.

My mum once took in a 7yo girl who was lost. She phoned the police, who told them she shouldn't have in case she was accused of child abuse :(. She said what was I supposed to do, leave her on the doorstep?

Good job you're not a MAN whom is posting this as somebody would have called 999 by now and you would have been branded a child molester by somebody here. Next time knock the LG Mother's door and check.

bejeezus has a point. Perhaps try to chat to the mother, she might need a friend.

OP, I want to second the post above from 1stMrsF.

I think you should go and call on the mother tonight (after bedtime) to apologise for upsetting/scaring her and explain what happened. This could be a great opportunity for you all to form lovely friendships so don't let any possible bad feelings fester, get it all sorted out and move on happily.

IMO, you were a little bit U not to take a few minutes to go with the LG and check with her mum but I can also see why you would think it was unnecessary. Always better to err on the side of caution tho and make a Mummy friend!

I agree that calling on her is a good ida...it was my first thought.

I think you were being a bit naive really...I would have knocked on the door to ask if the lg could come in....my 4 and a half year old plays out in fronof my house in a cul de sac...I can see her though and she woul never follow anyone...her7 year old sister is with her at all tmes and they basially play on the lawn...I think this woman is odd for letting her child ut that long and losng track so easily.

Definitely pop over...tel her your DD liked playing with her a lot and that she can come over for coffee too.

invite them over. why not? better that you know each other and can keep an eye on the little one. its not that unusual for small children to be out and about in the locality, especially if its a quiet area.

Like ladyintheradiator, I might also be a bit old-fashioned in thinking that a 5-year-old shouldn't be out without her mother having some idea where she is. And by the sounds of it, that is a frequent occurrence.

I think calling on the mother and making the point that you're checking whether it's okay for her daughter to come and play with your daughter in your home with her consent, that might give her a clue that being oblivious to her child's whereabouts is not a good idea. The only problem with that is that she might then think that she can chuck her child out of the house in the belief that you'll take over the supervision of her daughter whenever she can't be bothered.