To want to have another child?

[MerlotforOne]

I'm new to mumsnet, so I apologise if this issue has already been discussed, but I could really use some perspective on this....

DH and I are in our early/mid 30's and have a 2.9 year old DS. We met and married in our early 20's, at which point neither of us knew whether or not we wanted children. We discussed the issue prior to tying the knot and agreed that if, in the future, either of us really wanted kids, we would both commit to having them.

We had a great time travelling and working in our 20's, but sure enough, when I hit 30 I became very broody. I brought up the issue of having a baby and DH wasn't keen but recognised that this was really important to me. He's now a really good dad and adores DS, but still maintains that he would have happily gone through life without kids. The problem is that I really want another DC, but DH has said 'absolutely not!'. As far as he's concerned, he agreed to the compromise of having one child and me wanting more is pure selfishness (when we decided to ttc DS, I was talking about 'a baby', meaning 'a first baby', but I don't think I made that clear). I have tried really hard to accept this, but feel sadness and regret and a certain amount of resentment towards DH.

We argued about this for over a year before I backed down because I was scared of causing irreparable harm to our relationship. We haven't discussed this for the past 6months as it's been a tough year, but things are settling down now.
AIBU to raise the subject yet again?

AIBU to raise the subject yet again?

Not at all. But it doesn't mean his answer is going to be any more to your liking....

IMO it really is best for a child to have both parents on board with it's existence. That means that the person who doesn't want a baby trumps the person who does. In our house this means that DD will be an only child because DH can't face the lack of sleep doesn't want another. I have to put up with that.

YANBU to raise it, but you can't expect him to agree to it if he really isn't keen. It's a terrible situation to be in. I don't mean to be harsh but it always shocks me when couples get married without talking frankly about things like money and children, it seems so short sighted. It would be a different matter if he had agreed to two and was now going back on it, but in fairness to him he never said he wanted children, he reluctantly agreed to the first child and is now doing really well at it in spite of his reservations, you can't expect much more than that.

YANBU to raise the issue. I am so broody right now, I feel your pain. I guess you might have an accident? Be prepared to be a single Mother if you go down that route. Depends what means most toyou.

YANBU - but like others have said, it is not a good situation to bring a child into if one parent really doesn't want them to be there.

Having got DH to reluctantly agree to DC2 he now loves DD2 (5 months, eldest 3.1) and is glad we had another so that they can play together. He also lost his mum recently and says if he hadn't had his siblings he doesn't know how he would have coped handling all the funeral arrangements etc...

MrsTP, thanks, it helps to know I'm not the only one! Of my RL friends, the only ones with 'onlies' are for medical reasons.

CailinDana, I agree couples should talk beforehand, but I was 23 and it seemed so theoretical and far in the future. He never said he didn't want children, or I don't think I would have married him, it's just neither of us knew at that point if/when we'd want them, hence the agreement that if one of us did, we would, which in hindsight seems naive but made sense at the time.

NBTL, I've felt broody enough to consider an 'accident', but I'm a rubbish liar and couldn't live with the guilt. Besides, at this point I don't think he'd believe me even if it was a genuine accident!

Zhen, glad to hear you had a happy ending. I think one of the issues for us is that DH isn't close to his siblings and always discusses a theoretical DC2 as being something that we would be inflicting on DS (despite being a younger sib himself), rather than a positive relationship.

I find it odd when people use thier own personal relationships in these situs, does your Dh realise that your DS and any future will be actually TOTALLy diff people!!!! Yes they may not get on but also may get on well! its nothing to do with him and his experience.

also find it odd that he can still imagine life without DS - ie could still have been happy without him....

also what about DS yes lots of people are very very happy only children there is nothing wrong with it - AT ALL, but as the very youngest child with much much older siblings I felt very lonely as a child.

when your DH has said no - has he looked at a rounded picture...

YANBU to bring up the subject again. you can talk about the possible negative and positive points about it and perhaps ask him to think about it for a certain period of time then arrange to discuss it again?? -i mean like a week or something - so he doesnt just give you a knee jerk reaction "no"

sorry but i think the "accident" suggestion is so unfair to him. sounds like both of you werent sure what your plans were for children in early marriage and he is being honest. my (female) cousin always wanted "loads" of children but had one and couldnt imagine another ever (son now 6 yrs old, she is 30 years old) no bad experience or anything, her son lovely, but even more adamant now her family is "complete". you cant help how you feel

but as you can see by my "nickname" i'm not in a fair position to judge!

Yanbu to mention it as long as it doesn't become pestering but I suspect his answer will be the same.

Sorry, had to go do wife/mum things for a while.....

I have read a lot about raising an only child and agree it can be great, but we live in a small village with no other kids his age, so I do worry DS will be lonely. He goes to nursery and loves it and is very sociable.

DH has very strong views on siblings. We have discussed pros and cons ad nauseum and are still at opposite poles. He has what I think are some odd views, eg he doesn't believe parents can love two different children equally and that those who claim to are lying for the sake of their DCs. He thinks all parents have a favourite and some hide it better than others, but he can't imagine being able to love another child as much as he loves DS.
I also worry that we're both pretty intense people and that this will be difficult for DS to cope with without a sibling to share the attention.

OP - your DS will make friends of his own age at school. Don't worry about it. At 2.9, any sibling would hardly be a companion for your DS for ages.

As for the intensity of attention towards an only child, another child does not necessarily dilute it, plenty of larger families have situations where one particular child is singled out, intentionally or not, in different ways.

Echt, that's interesting about children in larger families getting singled out, I'd never really thought about it that way. You're right about the companion thing. At this stage even if we started ttc tomorrow, we'd most likely be looking at a 4 year age gap, so they may never play together much anywhere. I read somewhere that the chances of any given sibling pair getting on are about 50%.

The idea of an 'accident' really isn't an option, he would be expected to contribute to raising the child, so lying to him about contraception would be wrong, but it goes to show how desperate broodiness can make you that it even crossed my mind!

I can rationalise sticking at one in my mind, but then my feelings hit me like a truck. DH says it would be wrong to give in to a 'hormonal urge', but then he's very self controlled generally.

YANBU to raise it. If he says no then you need to seriously consider your relationship and whether it is likely you can be happy in it going forward. Disagreements over children can easily become a dealbreaker I think.

YANBU for raising the subject again, not at all. Its a difficult situation. I want a third dc (second for dp, who wasn't particularly keen on me getting pregnant and was happy with just ds1 but now worships the ground that ds2 walks on) and have made it clear its a with or without him choice. I believe very much that as i get old and on my dying bed, i will bitterly regret not having another child, whereas i know i could never regret the other side, i.e. having another child.

The thing is, our relationship is otherwise pretty solid. In 12 years together, this is the first time we've come up against something where we can't compromise. You either have child or you don't, there's no middle ground. It's scared the he'll out of both of us.

I got to the point last year of seriously considering leaving him over this, but just couldn't bring myself to after so long happily married. I think he would be (understandably) very bitter and I couldn't bear the damage this could cause DS. If we had no children, i might well have left, but I do already have a wonderful DS and I feel guilty for even wanting another one when in should be putting his needs first.

Sorry, hell, not he'll - darned predictive text!

I'm afraid your partner is talking bollocks when he says that it is impossible to love another child or children.I was scared about this when pregnant with second child,but needn't have worried at all.We now have three brilliant kids and whilst on occasion you need to focus on different kids at different times,you never stop loving them all.

this was me about 5 yrs ago dc3 is now 6 months. dh finally compromised on 2 when i insisted ds needed a sibling and how unfair it would be if he was alo.e when we are gone. he absolutely dotes on dd. be careful what you wish for. i was still sooooo broody and joked about 'an accident'. dd arrived shortly after and really was an 'accident' but i do.t think dh believes me. He loves her just the same

Yanbu but hnbu either.

Never ever plan "an accident". Deceit isn't good for relationships.

I was in a similar position after DS1 got to about 2. DH and I met and married very quickly and agreed that we would have a baby when we were ready - he was quite keen on that. DS1 was a difficult baby ( or maybe we were just idiot novices) and when I started talking about another DH pointed out we had only ever agreed to one. I could not prevent my unhappiness and eventualy he agreed to try again. Although they are 4 years apart in age my two sons are very close and DH now readily agrees that it was much better having two than one - there is no way I could have got him to agree to a third though.

YANBU, but neither is ur OH. I think u have been given sound advice. My sister is in ur situation, her and her hubby only wanted one child initially, they had one and BiL was happy but sister really wanted more. They stuck at one and she has accepted the situation, as their marriage would not have survived another, BUT I know she wishes she had more and is slightly resentful of me as I have 2 dc.

Thanks everyone, this is helping a lot.

It sound as though I have to make some decisions about how much I'm willing to sacrifice for a 2nd child.

1. Am I willing to leave him if necessary and find someone else/ go it alone? (No)
2. If not, am I willing to risk pushing him away by continuing to try to persuade him?(Not sure).

1. How far m I willing to push this? What am I willing to bargain over?

I guess part of my problem is that he's generally much more opinionated than me and I'm also very conflict avoidant, so I generally give in to keep the peace. He can be very puritanical, so I suspect he thinks he's doing me a favour by not letting me give in to my maternal 'urges' as he would perceive that as weakness.
He works full time and has religious commitments that take up 1 day every weekend and about 3 weeks of holiday time every year (he wasn't religious when we met, that has developed over the past few years. I'm not involved much in that part of things, although I have to live with the changes in his outlook and lifestyle, both good and bad).

I feel resentful that DC are all I've ever really asked him for for myself and he won't let me. I work half time, do the vast bulk of child rearing, including all the night time getting up, and run the household (he does vacuuming only)/ manage our finances etc and help out his mum, so it doesn't feel like I'm asking that much of him even though I realise a child is a big deal.

Seems odd that he's become religious yet doesn't want more children. I thought a large part of religion was 'family', and the point of marriage was children.

The amazing thing about the human heart is that it has an ever-expanding capacity to love.

Just when you think you can't love anyone as much as your own parents, your family, your dear friends - then you meet your husband, then you have a child, and another one and your heart keeps on growing bigger and bigger to fit everyone in and love them. His argument that this isn't possible or that people are lying is so bizarrely cold and detatched and, well, just odd as to put me right off him - this man I've never met.

I can't believe a religious person would need this explaining to him. Sad. :(