To want to have another child?

[MerlotforOne]

I'm new to mumsnet, so I apologise if this issue has already been discussed, but I could really use some perspective on this....

DH and I are in our early/mid 30's and have a 2.9 year old DS. We met and married in our early 20's, at which point neither of us knew whether or not we wanted children. We discussed the issue prior to tying the knot and agreed that if, in the future, either of us really wanted kids, we would both commit to having them.

We had a great time travelling and working in our 20's, but sure enough, when I hit 30 I became very broody. I brought up the issue of having a baby and DH wasn't keen but recognised that this was really important to me. He's now a really good dad and adores DS, but still maintains that he would have happily gone through life without kids. The problem is that I really want another DC, but DH has said 'absolutely not!'. As far as he's concerned, he agreed to the compromise of having one child and me wanting more is pure selfishness (when we decided to ttc DS, I was talking about 'a baby', meaning 'a first baby', but I don't think I made that clear). I have tried really hard to accept this, but feel sadness and regret and a certain amount of resentment towards DH.

We argued about this for over a year before I backed down because I was scared of causing irreparable harm to our relationship. We haven't discussed this for the past 6months as it's been a tough year, but things are settling down now.
AIBU to raise the subject yet again?

If he doesnt want anymore children he doesnt want anymore children. Simple. You either have to accept your child will be your only child or walk away from the relationship. And maybe in the future find someone who wants children.

My dd is an only child & its the best thing ever.

Hmmm, he sounds pretty selfish actually. Whilst HINBU to not want another child (just as YANBU to want one) your post at 8:30 makes me wonder just how equal your relationship is.

Not this religion- emphasis is on personal development and avoidance of 'distractions' from spiritual development. Or at least that's his take on it. If he'd become Catholic or something similarly mainstream, I wouldn't have this problem!

Glenthebattleostrich, I think our relationship has become less equal over time. He has worked very hard at his career and I have supported him in this and in his religious development because I think that marriage should be about helping each other achieve your dreams, even if not all of those dreams are the same, and that because we married young, I needed to be accepting of change. I thought that if I did this, it would eventually be reciprocated.
I do have a nice life and a good career. His take on me doing more is that he thinks I'm cleverer and naturally more capable than him, so he feels he needs to work hard to manage what I can do easily. I think this feels like an excuse for letting me continue to do everything even though he has now achieved what he wanted career wise.
He says even if he had more time, he would want to spend it on religious development rather than 'more family duties'. I find this hard as I am a deeply secular person and wouldn't have married him if he'd been religious back then. This sort of crept up on me over time, he got chatting to some monks and got interested, read a couple of books, then a couple of years later he started dropping in to the local temple occasionally on his way home from work, then it became a weekly evening out, then the weekend sessions started, then the residential courses. With a small child who doesn't sleep well, the week long courses have been torture for me, left at home to juggle, although now DS is getting older it's sometimes easier when DS isn't around. I feel I've sort of let this happen and am to blame for no putting my foot down sooner, but it's been so insidious. He was always much more willing to negotiate, his position on many things has hardened since he became so involved. Both my DPs and PILs have asked me whether this is a cult, but I don't think anyone is pestering him, he just believes he has found 'the right path' and feels sorry for anyone (including me) who doesn't think the same as him.

Have just reread the thread and realised this is about more than just the question of another child. What do you do when the person you love changes beyond recognition, but is still for the most part a loving husband?

I think he needs to recognise you have needs to. If he is unable/willing to give you his time due to his religious commitments (which youve accepted despite not being part of the deal), he needs to see you need something to fulfill your life too. In the absense of your dh maybe dcs and being a mother is what you need.

I think you need to discuss your needs with him. You either need him, a hobby or a bigger family to give yourself too. Youre obviously missing something

Have tried the needs discussion. He talks a good game but in practice gets very grumpy if he has to take on household stuff so that I can do something hobby-wise, so its easier for me to not do things than put up with the grumpiness.

More time with him is simply not going to happen at this point, although I have put my foot down about further increases in his religious commitments.

He says I don't need to work and I could be a SAHM (although that would mean significant belt tightening) and that because I don't want to quit work I'm not really committed to motherhood so wouldn't cope with DC2. I feel that's unfair, I worked very hard to get where i am and do still have some career ambitions, I work part time and DS loves his nursery and enjoys being home with a mum who is calmer and happier for having a life outside the home. My sis is perfectly content being a SAHM but it just doesn't suit my personality. I've tried throwing myself into work, but it's unlikely to ever feel as rewarding for me as motherhood.

His parents had very traditional gender roles, so he tends to measure me by that standard.

Then i think its a decision about whether 1 dc and dh can ever be enough. For me after dc1 the answer was no and i knew i would regret and resent dh. I told him this and he was willing to compromise. For him to have 1 more was less of a compromise than for me not to. However we did make our feelings clear before marriage so he couldnt say he didnt know dc3 was another matter

All of which OP should surely lead you to the conclusion that another child is exactly NOT what should be bought into this relationship....

Agree with sparks1 but to not have more and stay in that relationship could be wrong for op too as regret an resentment could turn it sour. Although obviously its better for dc to have 2 parents, 2 unhappy parents is no good.

Hmm, I don't like your H very much. How dare he say that because you work PT you're not committed to motherhood? By that reasoning he's not committed to fatherhood at all. (And he may not be in fact - it doesn't sound as though he's exactly doing much for or with your DS.)

OP, I hate to say this, but I think your relationship may have run its course. You posted originally about having another child, but it's clear from this thread that there are far more issues than that between you, the man you were with twelve years ago is quite different from the one you're with now and you're not happy about the changes. Of course a long-term relationship has to accommodate change, but a healthy one allows both people to change and grow - it sounds as though this relationship is actually stifling you.

Have been having a good think.....

It's really interesting actually writing all this down and re-reading it and everyone's responses. I've been thinking about this as a single issue in an otherwise good relationship and been confused by his hostility towards even discussing another DC. I thought we were ok because we're affectionate to each other and get along pretty peacefully, but I'm beginning to realise the extent to which these days I have to bite my tongue and let things go to allow the status quo to continue. So, I need to figure out what I want out of my life and then discuss with him to see if it will be possible to achieve that with him. If not I may have to find the courage to go it alone.

I had a long chat with MIL this afternoon. She recognised all the behaviour (apart from the religious stuff) as being similar to his dad (which surprised me as FIL was always quite meek with me) and said 'but that's just men and you can't change them, you just have to live with it!'. Which at least suggests where DHs role model came from! She offered to have a talk to him (she'd love more GC and takes DS one morning a week for me already).

So some hard talking to be done, but thanks for helping me recognise the problem!

Good luck merlot . Just remember you only get one life, compromise is fine so long as you both do it and dont give up your needs for his x

Very good luck, Merlot. Hope all goes well.