to set a time limit on dinner?

[familyfun]

dd1 is a good eater in that she doesnt refuse many foods except onion but she is very slow, mainly because she talks too much, messes with things, always has a toilet trip and takes her time, whines for help, rocks her chair, taps the table, sings etc.
she is 5.
dd2 is a good eater, gets on with it, eats quickly and then wants pudding mainly yoghurtor fruit but sometimes chocolate), she is 19 months.

aibu, if dinner is at 5.15, to say that dinnertime ends at 6 and if you havent finished or had time for pudding then its too late.

last night dd2 had ate her dinner and pudding within half an hour, dd1 was still eating dinner at 5.50 so i said she had 10 mins left, she hurried her dinner and ate a bit of pudding.

dp thinks i shouldnt give dd2 pudding if dd1 isnt having it but why should dd2 wait when shes ate her dinner. not sure whether i should limit dd1s time. she is a slow eater but if she just stopped talking/singing/messing about she would finish quicker.

genuinely not sure if aibu?

I wouldn't be spoon feeding a 5 yr old - cut things up maybe not giving it to them. Especially if it is contributing to the slow eating.

I suppose my DS2 is a slow eater but he tends to spend ages gazing into space and chewing the same mouthful. That is fine, most of the time, unless you need to go out. He has a bit of chat between mouthfuls but generally sits still and ploughs through his food, but thinking about it your DD would drive me a bit potty OP and I can really understand why you need to nip this in the bud.

I'd make sure she goes to the loo before she sits down to eat then there's no excuse for that one, even now I tell mine to go to the toilet first to avoid mid meal breaks and they're 17 15 and 12. . If you know she's not going to eat that much can you reduce the portion size so she hasn't got too much on her plate.

I don't think the time is the issue; it's the faffing. How about a star chart for good behaviour at the table - sitting still, not messing with cutlery, etc. If her behaviour is no longer an issue I'd wager her time to eat would diminish.

fromheretomaternity

I don't think it's 'bad' as such, I just personally think it isn't necessary.

I think if you've eaten enough dinner to fill you up, you should be full and not need it.

I know 'wanting' and 'needing' are two different things, that's why we have it as an occasional treat rather than a part of every day meals.

I don't consider a bit of fruit or a yoghurt a 'pudding' anyway...to me they're snacks the kids can have an hour or so later if they fancy them.

There's no right or wrong in this...it's the way I was raised so I've continued it with my kids.

Interestingly enough, when I go out to a restaurant I never have a dessert because I'm too full up from the main course

family how did she eat before the baby came along maybe she is seeing the toddler getting attention so she is faffing about wanting attention and feeding ?

she does drive me potty, always messing about, cant sit still, pulling faces, acting the clown
she is completely the opposite out the house, always quiet,still, polite, good at school, listens, then she gets home shouting running jumping like a lunatic till bedtime, she says she has lots of energy after being good all day.

Wasn't having a pop at the pudding btw just that we never do. For me doing dinner is enough, if I had to cook a pudding as well I would go nuts.

Don't bother with yogurts as think overpriced shit with little nutritional benefit, and messy!!rather glass milk and banana.

Family, best she saves the good behaviour for school though. She probably wants an audience as you say so just draw the reins a bit, she will grow out of this soon enough and by 13 you won't get a word out of her at the table, good or bad!!

I was exactly the same as a child, everyone else had had their pudding, left the table to go through to the living room, my mum would fill the dishwasher and wipe the table around me and I'd still be on my main.

They all left me and I eventually realised that wasn't a lot of fun.

she definitley attention seeks since dd2 came along, but dd2 actually feeds herself, and doesnt get much attention.
she cant have fruit later as she is asleep so its straight after dinner.
i dont spoon feed her, dp does which i have said isnt helping but he likes to.
dp also comes home at 5 so dd1 hasnt seen him all day and starts performing, when he is out she behaves much better, we are both aware of this but dont know what to do. he puts her to bed after ive bathed them and he baths and does bedtime for them both weds so they have time with him.

dd1 also always misbehaves in the last 10/15 mins before we leave for school despits being up for 2 hrs so there is no rush. she hates having to get anyhing done and likes to go at her own pace.

I have to say she sounds like good fun, telling you she has lots of energy after being good all day .Does she have a snack at home time?

she is good at school, then anything she has heard at school or any anger over things that have happened get took out on me at home.

I think you've got more than one issue here. Your dd's appetite and her inveterate messing around at the table. If she's got a small appetite then that's the way she is. It might be that you are having dinner earlier than her stomach is ready for it. However, regardless of this, there's absolutely no reason why she should be spoon fed at 5. Also, I think you need to encourage decent table manners. Which start with sending her to the lav before she sits down for a meal and not encouraging her to leave the table before she's had all she wants to eat. If she does get up from the table then I'd assume she'd finished and clear her plate away. At only 19 months old, it doesn't seem unreasonable for her sister to get her pudding when she's ready for it either since trying to make her wait 45 minutes is unnecessary.

i used to take fruit or biscuit or cracker for walk home from school at 3.15 but thought this was why she wasnt eating dinner well so stopped it and just take a drink now and do early dinner, it hasnt helped.

I would have dinner a little later maybe 5 .30 let dad come in she can tell him her news then stop it is time for dinner, sounds like dad is babying her a wee bit

i ask does she need the toliet when im cooking, she says no, 5 mins into dinner she needs it. same before school she doesnt need toilet then needs it as we are leaving. she says she didnt need it when i asked before but then cant wait.
she has a small appetite and is only 2st 7 so quite small for her age but has been weighed in reception ans came out healthy although at lower side of range. but i think im always making sure she eats.

yes dad babies her a lot, she is a daddys girl (wonder why) but i leave them to it a lot as ive always wanted my kids to love their dad and trust him, its a big thing for me.
i might do dinner later, but dd2 would need a snack as she is eternally hungry.

sometimes if they are dainty we worry and fuss about food dd1 was built like a twiglet at 5 well up untill puberty really and I worried and fussed about eating she was strong willed and it is a control thing with them ( I think) I just gave up the battle, and let her eat what she wanted but no pandering, I always made mine have a try for the toilet I still joke with them now do you need do you want to have a try ,

before and after school she plays with dd2 lovely, this morning she read her a story and was showing her things in the book and counting with her and i praise her for being so kind to her etc.
when dp is home she pushes dd2 out of the way, crys when he picks up dd2 and is mean and used a rude voice and whines.
ive told dp she is lovely to her all day, she just gets too jealous, she saqys she loves her dad and only sees him for a few hours and doesnt want to share him, but dd2 is 19 months and its not getting betetr.

yes she is dainty but built like me and i was only 5 st 7 when i started senior school at 5ft 2 so she is probably going tro be tall and skinny till puberty like i was.

I don't think any of this behaviour ( annoying as it is though) is extreme.

You must make sure that you and dh are on same discipline sheet though, what about him telling her off for being mean to her sister.

Just be a bit careful it's not daddies girl and mummies baby iucwim.

DS eats huge plateful in 3 minutes, demands pud and runs, all in all it's hard to keep him at the table for 5 minutes, not much talking is possible. DD dawdles and messes her food around for ever, she is not a slow eater, she can and does eat as quickly as her brother on occasions when she desperately wants to something. I give her 20 minutes and clear away. I can't make nice cosy conversation to her while she pushes food around her plate, it drives me nuts. I have to get up and usually wash up, tidy away and get DS started on his homework while she is still messing about...

I fully understand how frustrating it is OP!

Oh god OP, your DP needs to stop spoon feeding her right now. It infantalises her when she should be learning a bit of independence and social skills (i.e. table manners!)

You have several issues here.

1. She can do these things outside of the home - so she is capable yet is choosing not to when she's at home. Why? What does she get out of misbehaving?
2. You said she sees mealtimes as a time when she has you as a captive audience - how much time do you both spend with her? Do you play games? Does she have quality family time with you both?
3. The bloody spoon feeding! As mentioned above, he must stop babying her.
4. You and your husband have different viewpoints on the matter - you need to sit down and decide how you're both going to tackle it together.

I am in agreement with super nanny style chart, where she gets a star everytime she makes it through a meal time without time wasting, behaves like a big girl and feeds herself, etc. Praise the positive and ignore the negative.

Can you explain that if she ate her meal a bit quicker, she would have more time away from the meal table to mess about, sing etc? Say that just as when she is eating out, you expect the same good behaviour at home.

Insist that she goes to the loo and washes hands before dinner. Give a small portion and she can have more if she finishes it/wants more. Don't feed her, or take any notice of how much she eats, or compare her eating to that of her little sister. Leave her at the table if she's still there after everyone else has finished and gone. If she claims she has finished, let her leave the table, but make it clear that if she's not hungry enough to eat the dinner, there will be no sweets/chocolate/ice-cream/biscuits/cake etc if others are having them if you think that is what she might be holding out for. Fruit and yogurt could be eaten later.

It does sound as though DD is trying to get attention from you, could you give attention as long as she is behaving appropriately at the table during the meal, and pointedly ignore her if she starts messing about? Or insist she leaves the table (and your company and attention) until she has decided to behave and eat? You will need to warn her that that is what will happen at the start of the meal.

Withholding a pudding from another child who has eaten well is plain ridiculous, so DH is BU.

Just a thought, does DD1 have any input to or help you prepare meals, because DC who make things are more likely to eat what they've made. Everyone can congratulate her on her culinary creation as well.

I think my plan of action would be...

5.00pm Dad home, spends 30mins uninterrupted with dd1, lots of silliness and chitter chatter and cuddles etc etc, hopefully get it all out of her system.

5.30pm tea on the table

6.00pm cafe closed! Both DDs can help clear the table/carry small things through to the kitchen.

After tea, Dad has uninterrupted time with dd2.

Explain to dd1 that she must go to the loo before tea as she will not be allowed down during tea. I would also start a warning/time out system for bad table behaviour. This def needs addressed as it sounds like dd2 is starting to copy dd1's behaviour.

It does sound like attention seeking so giving her a decent spell with dad, on her own could help.