To think I am being taken for a mug here

[PinkElephant73]

More of a WWYD. My "D"H went out last night, admitted this morning he had to foot the £114 meal with a colleague as he "lost a bet" with said colleague.

To put this in context, he and I celebrated our wedding anniversary last month with a meal in Ask paid for with Tesco vouchers as we are skint. I suggested this, he agreed it was the best thing to do. (We used to go away for the weekend and/or go for meals in good restaurants together when times were better)

He has also recently run up a £400+ bill on cycling stuff out of our joint account "needed" for a 11 day cycling jaunt he went off on recently which has cost more than our family holiday this year.

I dont have expensive hobbies or a burning need to split money 50:50 but I am careful with money and I feel like I am being taken for a mug. His response - I go out more often than him and it all evens out (dont think so). So if I want to prove otherwise I will have to go through all bank statements and CC statements.

He has said sorry for the meal last night but I am incredibly hurt that he would take a casual acquaintance for a meal somewhere lovely on a whim when on our anniversary we can only afford free pizza.

Go through the statements and highlight what he's spending. He needs an allowance, sorry. He sounds very impulsive, this would drive me up the wall.

TBH I think YAbothBU. You claim to need to cut back yet you're paying for two holidays this year, cycling stuff, meals out, nights out... Sounds like you both need to sit down with a calculator and work out what, exactly, you have free for spending money each month rather than resentfully pointing out 'well you paid for X' whenever the other spends any money.

Are you sure it was a bet and he didn't just decide to treat this person to a meal?

YANBU

Your DH is acting like a spoilt teenager.

A bit of a moan is in order.

I wouldn't be too hurt by the meal, it sounds like he's "keeping up appearances" to the outside in terms of money.

I agree you need to sit down with all the outgoings and go through them and agree a plan to move forward.

I would definitely be bothered by the meal. We've put away £50 for our anniversary meal because it's all we can afford; if my boyfriend then spent more than that on a meal with someone else I'd be furious.

I think you both need to have a sit down and work out a budget.

I think you should actually get out six months or a year of bank statements, not just to see who's spending what on themselves but also to work out a household budget.

Once you know what you have to pay over a year (bills, mortgage/rent, commuting costs, car maintenance, insurance, childcare, food etc) divide by 12. Subtract that amount from your joint monthly income. The balance is the actual sum of money you have free to use on savings, holidays, clothes, gambling ie 'bets with colleagues', hobbies.

You're having an understandably emotional response to the issue but setting out your accounts - money in, essential costs and what's left over (if anything) allows you to approach it rationally. It also helps you to see where you might cut back or add in savings for fun stuff like anniversary dinners and holidays.

Good luck OP

I would be very hurt by the meal thing.

If I were you, I'd set up three accounts. One joint, where you put in money for mortgage/rent, bills, food and other joint stuff and one personal account each where anything that doesn't involve the other person is paid from.

He is taking the piss.

YANBU at all, he's being very unfair, and clearly spending money that isn't there in the first place!

My DH used to be very much like this, but it took us almost splitting up for him to realise that he was being unreasonable. He has a couple of expensive hobbies, and I worked out at one point that he had spent over 2k on one of the hobbies in a period of a few months, as well as ordering himself a £400 phone,and spending around 1k on clothes, whilst the rest of us were wearing Primark clothes and meal planning!

Why was he taking a colleague out for an expensive dinner anyway?

If it was work related, surely that would be claimed back on expenses.

squeaky, it really depends on your job, doesn't it? And the purpose of the meal.

I'm a teacher, I don't think my school would be very impressed if I said "oi, me and Gezza went out the other night, here's the receipt, eh?"

I have an Excel file into which I paste all the transactions which are on the credit card, and I mark whether they are OH's, mine or shared. On another sheet I then have running totals of how much I am spending, how much he is spending (including shared stuff split 50:50) and how much each of us is paying off each month. It can be shown to him at a moment's notice if I feel things are getting out of hand.

I suggest you do something similar.

Find out if it was a "keeping up appearances" meal or if it was just a casual whim with a friend (as he seems to suggest). If the latter, he's taking the mickey...

male colleague or female colleague?

Ooooh, I would be furious! He "lost a bet", doesn't sound like something he had to do to keep face at work, sounds like it was a bit of nonsense, a carry on! No, I wouldn't be happy with that at all. Think he needs a good talking to! He needs to know what money you have and maybe more importantly don't have.

Well, even if he hadn't had to pay for the whole thing, his share would presumably have been around the £57 mark, which to me is a bit steep for a meal that wasn't for a special occasion. My DH is a bit impulsive with his spending, but he'd have no qualms about turning down a work-related meal he couldn't afford just to keep up appearances in front of better-off colleagues.

The "lost a bet" is a bit of a red herring - he went out for a meal which cost £57/head. That's quite extravagant when money is tight.

And a "£400+ bill on cycling stuff" should have been paid for from his personal account, not their joint account - it is not a joint expense. My husband is a keen cyclist, he wouldn't dream of paying for his stuff from the joint account.

And as for "His response - I go out more often than him and it all evens out" - you'd have to be going out one hell of a lot to even out to an "11 day cycling jaunt he went off on recently which has cost more than our family holiday this year" .

Are hus actions in order to 'advance' his caree, get on his colleagues good side? He spends more than you but not as often, so yearly it evens out?

We already have a household budget; he has £200 pcm of his own spends for buying stuff for himself which he paid for his trip out of. The £400 cycling stuff was an overspend by him over and above this. This will make me sound like a doormat but I do not currently have any money ringfenced for myself at all. The £200 was introduced to put a cap on his spending; as I dont spend anywhere near as much, on myself I never felt the need. Nights out were not intended to be part of this pocket money as neither of us go out a lot separately - I might go out once a fortnight with the girls and spend £15-20 on a round of drinks.

squeaky it was a social thing, he wouldnt be allowed to pay for a colleague's meal on expenses! definitely not a career advancing move either.

separate bank accounts - that's what you need.
Or if you are wanting to make a point why not go and spend £400 on something just for you and see what his reaction is then?

He may have a budget of £200/month, but he is taking it directly out of the joint account; I would bet good money that the actual balance of the account is a bigger factor in his decision to overspend than the 'artificial' balance of £200. This is not a criticism of your husband - it is just how a lot of people's mind works. It's easy to break a self-imposed/agreed limit when you know the account can take the hit. You convince yourself you'll not spend that £200 next month, to replace it. Except you never do. If, on the other hand, this £200 was transferred to another account, that is the balance that would be in the back of his mind. And the overdraft fees if he overspent.

And yes, you do need to have the equivalent personal funds, and a personal account to pay it into. Your £15-20 round of drinks would be paid for from tyour account, and you wouldn't feel you couldn't do something (a haircut, buy shoes, a book) because you don't want to use joint money for it.

As a matter of interest OP - why do you not already have 'ringfenced' funds of your own?

YANBU. You both need an account for your own money with an agreed amount that goes in each month (same for you both). If he splashes the cash, the money comes out of his account, not your joint account.

At the moment, he has got absolutely no incentive to change as you are effectively baling him out.

His £200 is transferred from our joint a/c to his personal account every month. He ran out of money to pay for his trip so had to put £400 worth of stuff on our cc . (and that doesnt include all the money spent on meals out during his trip).

I can, (and have in the past) done a breakdown from the credit card statement and bank statement. the trouble is he takes a lot of money out in cash and says most of it is spent on "family" days out, eg going to McDs with the kids.

The way this has gone we need to have separate accounts including nights out as well as "stuff". Ive found him paying for clothes out of the joint account as he regards clothes as a necessity not to be paid for out of fun money,

Why is he making bets he cannot afford. You don't gamble with what you don't have. Serious sitting down and assessing spending needed to put it into context for him.