Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think I am being taken for a mug here

44 replies

PinkElephant73 · 18/07/2012 12:18

More of a WWYD. My "D"H went out last night, admitted this morning he had to foot the £114 meal with a colleague as he "lost a bet" with said colleague.

To put this in context, he and I celebrated our wedding anniversary last month with a meal in Ask paid for with Tesco vouchers as we are skint. I suggested this, he agreed it was the best thing to do. (We used to go away for the weekend and/or go for meals in good restaurants together when times were better)

He has also recently run up a £400+ bill on cycling stuff out of our joint account "needed" for a 11 day cycling jaunt he went off on recently which has cost more than our family holiday this year.

I dont have expensive hobbies or a burning need to split money 50:50 but I am careful with money and I feel like I am being taken for a mug. His response - I go out more often than him and it all evens out (dont think so). So if I want to prove otherwise I will have to go through all bank statements and CC statements.

He has said sorry for the meal last night but I am incredibly hurt that he would take a casual acquaintance for a meal somewhere lovely on a whim when on our anniversary we can only afford free pizza.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/07/2012 18:43

So he knows he's overspending, and he's trying to bluff his way out of it with his " [you, OP] go out more often than him and it all evens out" ?

Ooh, I would not be a happy bunny with this. He is habitually overspending and trying to hide it. It's a bit insulting to you too, his apparent belief that you'd be stupid enough to not notice. So yes, to go back to the title of the thread, you are being taken for a mug here.

Stop him in his tracks. Insist he gets a sole credit card, joint credit card to be used for joint stuff ONLY. The cash withdrawals to be stopped, everything to be paid on the card. I work in a shop at the moment and have processed card payments for as low as 59p - it's how a lot of people manage their money, no-one is going to bat an eyelid at him handing over a card for small amounts.

And again, OP - why do you not already have 'ringfenced' funds of your own?

yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 18:44

Ooh paying for clothes...he is really taking the piss OP.

You need to sit down and work everything out.

LadySybildeChocolate · 18/07/2012 19:27

I'd give him a cash allowance, rather then a card. Once it's gone, it's gone.

Original poster

PinkElephant73 · 18/07/2012 19:38

It is insulting - not that he thinks he "can get away with it" but that he is ignoring the agreement we made. Its like I'm his mum handing out pocket money rather than this being a partnership of equals.

he has now come home and is not speaking to me.

OP posts:

Puffinsaresmall · 18/07/2012 19:38

was it a female colleague? Are you sure it went on a meal not a strip joint or something? sounds a lot for a meal!

Whenthetoadcamehome · 18/07/2012 19:41

Who is the person he had a meal with and how did it come to £114???? Sounds Suss to me!

Original poster

PinkElephant73 · 18/07/2012 19:43

thank you whereyouleftit. i do not have separate funds as when times were better I would just buy bits as and when. I would never spend anywhere near £200 a month, more like £50, so my spending did not need to be controlled. However now we are on a budget (last 18 months) I have been dipping into savings to pay for new clothes, and that has to stop, so I will be budgeting some money to go into my savings acc every month.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkElephant73 · 18/07/2012 19:44

It was a male colleague (according to his FB post) and was a v expensive London restaurant. apparently the other guy also chipped in £70 in the end! (like that is supposed to make me feel any better....)

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 19:47

£114 is pretty easy to rack up in a restaurant in my opinion. Don't think there's anything suspicious, except an immature partner.

lovebunny · 18/07/2012 19:50

leave him. he's costing you money. hope he got his leg over, for that £114.

yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 19:52

Oh FGS some of you are like dogs with bones, you really are. Some men are capable of having male friends, not everyone is shagging around, some men are just irrepsonsible pillocks.

Smellatron · 18/07/2012 19:53

So he spent 114 on a meal for him an another colleague? But you had to eat pizza on your anniversary? That's disgusting and you have every right to be angry.

I also think its a bit suspicious to be honest. 2 men going out having such an expensive meal together? A 'bet'?

yellowraincoat · 18/07/2012 19:58

Obviously I wasn't there so I don't know what happened. But it is VERY easy to spend that amount of money in a restaurant in London - maybe even more so when one person is clearly crap with money and possibly wanting to show off to his mate.

All it takes is a couple of £40 bottles of wine. Not that hard to do.

ENormaSnob · 18/07/2012 19:58

Yanbu, he is treating you as a mug.

You are letting him.

IMHO you would be well to start separating your finances from this man as it won't get better.

Whenthetoadcamehome · 18/07/2012 20:52

Yellow raincoat, some of us are like dogs with bones for a reason. IME noone goes and does something like that to impress another man. Am perfectly prepared to accept I may be wrong, but as I say ime I'm not. Your experience however may be the reason feel there's nothing to be suspicious of. Each to their own eh? That's what a forum is about.

Whenthetoadcamehome · 18/07/2012 20:53

Agree about the ease of spending that much in London, hell you could spend that in a bar in one night between two in the right place.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/07/2012 21:31

Glad to hear you're going to accord yourself some personal funds PinkElephant73. But please stop thinking that you shouldn't have the same amount as him because your spending is less than his. It's not about how much money you need, it's about fairness. Consider - if you had two children, one a spendthrift and one prudent, would you give the prudent child less pocket money because they still had some of last week's money left over? No, of course you wouldn't. So just because he spends all his (and then some) and you don't, you still deserve the same amount of personal money. If you don't spend it all, fine, it builds into a nice nest-egg for a future running-away fund extravagance. Or insurance against a rainy day. Whatever, you are still due it.

Because otherwise - what does it say to your husband, albeit subconsciously? That you are his mummy , dealing with the household finances and channeling all surpluses to him, the golden child? So he shouldn't worry his pretty little head about money, it's not his responsibility, just keep (over)spending and sulking when mummy says "too much!" ? That you are his wife, barefoot and chained to the sink, his to look down upon and to financially use and abuse? That you are his servant, taking the responsibility upon yourself whilst he is the lily in the field?

Not taking the same financial benefit from your partnership DOES send out a message to the other partner. It tells them that you get less because you are worth less, and that leaks into their attitude. Don't let that happen, you are worth as much as he is probably more, so demand your due and if he gets £200 then so do you. If your joint budget can't afford it then he takes a cut.

(BTW, I say this as the spendthrift partner.)

Original poster

PinkElephant73 · 19/07/2012 10:16

thanks whereyouleftit unfortunately things have now escalated and I have posted in relationships as I think thats a better place for this now.

OP posts:

WillNeverGetALicence · 19/07/2012 10:43

Your husband sounds quite immature and selfish.

I hope you get some good advice in Relationships OP.

Good luck [and treat yourself to a nice night out with the girls very soon!]

Flip

1 2