To assume people are not vegetarian unless they say they are?

[olimpia]

My DS' party last week. I didn't have time to collect preferences for meals because I organised the party 10 days in advance and the swimming pool needed to know 7 days before the party. So I gave the invitations to my DS to hand to his friends at school and I didn't enquire into vegetarian or other dietary restrictions. I simply arranged for all the children to have a hot dog. I assumed the parents would tell me if their children were vegetarian at the time of letting me know I'd they were coming.
Turns out one little girl was vegetarian and I felt awful she could not have the food.

mrsrantalot - you could also argue that making a child eat meat at that age is not the child's choice but the parents, could you not? I was raised veggie, but at that age I was most certainly aware of my choice, and I could have eaten meat outside of the home if I wanted to...but I chose not to. My sister ate meat outside of home (school dinners etc). My DH eats meat, so our DD has access to both diets until she makes the choice herself. However if my DH was also veggie then why would we cook a meat meal just for DD when you can have a perfectly good diet as a vegetarian? If she wanted to eat meat outside the home I wouldn't stop her, but if she was happy as a veggie, I don't see that as a parent forcing their views on a child at all.

Back to the OP, as a veggie, I'd always make sure veggies were catered for, but I agree that the parents should have informed you.

my kids are not vegetarian but ds still wouldnt have eaten a hotdog as he doesnt like them

p.s. at other parties I have hosted/been to the children are asked when they arrive what meal they want so everyone gets what they want

absolutely agree w. ginger.

If the parents want special food for their dc they should have politely requested it at time of accepting invite.

(speaking as mother of both 1 veggie child - his choice - rest of family not veggie btw - and 1 child with loads of food intolerances) I always inform people when they are eating away from home and offer myself to provide the alternative. If I of ds forgot to mention the veggeeism, we'd take it on the chin and yes, just eat the effing chips.

I would however complain to the management about the small inadequate portions.

of course YANBU

I guess you could say being Jewish or Muslim isn't the child's choice in the same way as vegetarianism. Actually, what about observant Hindus who're veggie? I think it's about thoughtfulness and respect for other people's values and beliefs generally, regardless of what you make of them - its not as if vegetarian isn't mainstream any more!

OP - I wouldn't worry. It's just an oversight and if it's never come up for you before, then why would it occur to you? If probably will now though, so no harm done. I also agree that if I were sending my veggie child out where someone would be feeding them, I would tell the hosts. I would expect the parents to be used to it! Not fair on the poor girl, whoever's to "blame" (nothing to blame though in my opinion, just likely a non-malicious oversight for all parties!).

you dont have to be vegetarian to not like hotdogs though.

If it happened to me, I wouldn't be majorly upset or anything, I'd shrug it off, but I would think it was slightly odd that you decided all the children would like hot dogs!

As others have said, they are mostly pork, and so that vetos them for jews and muslims. Also, sausages half the time contain some beef or beef skins, so that also vetos Hindus! I can't let the dts have hot dogs out for that reason. A veggie option would have been safer and covered all bases.

If I didn't want the hassle of choices, I'd just serve veggie and have done with it!

A hot dog isn't a meal-it was just an extra so it was no big deal if they missed out. I don't like hotdogs so wouldn't have one if offered.

I agree that 8yrs is the age to make up your own mind-but that isn't relevant.

It was swimming with a hotdog-no big deal-I'm sure they could have had a packet of crisps if their parent hadn't thought to mention it and waited until they got home.

I think I would have had a veggie option as well, what if there was a Hindu child or Muslim etc? I think you have to respect the parents wishes, whatever the reason. There is nothing more sure to make a shitty day for a no sweets child than to pressure her to eat sweets against the parents wishes. It's not the child's fault after all and it is horrible to have your parents eccentricities or any other opinions make you stand out and feel embarrassed. I have seen a veggie child sneak a sausage and a no sweets child have a few sweets and have turned a blind eye but I wouldn't encourage it, their choice.

A Hindu or Muslim would have mentioned diet to the party giver-I can't see why a vegetarian parent didn't-especially when they must know that a swimming pool isn't going to serve healthy food and it is likely to be burgers, sausages or nuggets.

YANBU. I've seen other threads where veggie parents have been amazing about this issue, making sure party host is aware and offering to help provide an alternative to make things easier. Parties for children are a lot of work, regardless of the reasons for the child not eating meat (choice, upbringing, religion), it's polite to let the host know.

YABU - if there wasn't going to be a choice, you should have checked what the kids could and couldn't eat. As others have said, this isn't just about veggies, but also about other dietary requirements (not fussiness - I haven't got much time for that - but genuine requirements, such as only being able to eat Halal meat).

As a veggie myself, the rule of thumb seems to be that, if an invitation to a party asks whether I'm veggie or not, it's up to me to say that I am. But if the invitation doesn't mention dietary requirements, then it's fair for me to assume that there will be a choice.
I imagine this little girls' mother thought the same thing - who would imagine that, at a kids' party, the only food option is going to be crappy processed pork or nothing? If it was 1985, yes, but vegetarianism is hardly uncommon these days.

However, among my friends and family, about 50 per cent of us are veggie, so I accept that I may have a different view of things than others who have grown up thinking that eating meat is the "norm."
As it would have been just as easy for you to provide something that everyone could eat, such as cheese and tomato pizzas, or just have half cheese sandwiches and half hot dogs, then I would say YABU. Especially as you accept you had three days to check with the kids as to what they could and couldn't eat.

OP - from what you say, it sounds like the pool didn't provide enough food for any of the children - just a small plate for each child.

It seems to me that had the pool provided more generous portions, there would have been plenty of chips for the veggie child. If every child was well fed then you not knowing about one child being veggie wouldn't have been such an issue.

It wasn't a meal-it was a simple hotdog! Rather like having a packet of crisps or a bar of chocolate. She also did it last minute. If mine were vegetarian I would think to mention it. I don't expect people to come to my house if there will be food and then tell me 'Oh, by the way I am vegetarian'.

oh, I agree the onus is on the person whose child doesn't eat the majority diet to say something. It was just the trite cliche that kids can't choose to be veggie that bugs me - they can't choose to eat meat, either. We all choose how to raise our kids in accordance with our own values, and that should be respected, especially when those values are about trying to have respect for living creatures. I eat meat, because I see us as just part of the food chain, but I do respect where veggies are coming from and we eat free range meat from high welfare farms. And when younger/poorer/in a situation where such meat was hard to come by, I was veggie.

Maybe the parents didn't realise there'd be food involved on a trip to the swimming pool?

I guess parents ought to say really, otherwise it's difficult for you whatever you choose - e.g. if you'd gone for the pizza option, maybe there'd be a child who couldn't have dairy or wheat or something!

I wouldn't have realised swimming pool party equalled hot dogs tbh. The pool dd has lessons at does parties but the food is provided by parents so sanwich/crips affairs. The other leisure centre has a cafe but is very much 'healthy' foods no burgers or chips, which kind of makes sense for post gym snacks!

We had a 5 year old veggie at birthday bbq. I only found out she was veggie the night before and went to the local shop for veggie sausages they didn't sell them. Forgive me but I couldn't be arsed to drive to the supermarket for veggie sausages so made some pesto pasta as an alternative. She did make a big fuss about the lack of veggie sausages but hey ho.

in your case I would have made up a couple of sandwiches and crisps and had them in my bag incase - and if none were veggie there's a snack for you.

we had a picnic, i invited other parents to all bring a dish, i didnt police if the food was halal nd the other parents didnt need telling. they knew there would be muslims there so used halal meat.

to have informed them about dietary requirements would have been quite insulting to their intelligence

OP- I think it should have been the parents' responsibility to tell you, but really I wouldn't dwell on it. Whenever I've done parties I find the kids hardly eat anything and there will always be at least one child who doesn't like any of the food! My DS2 is a very fussy eater so I know the difficulties of pleasing everyone.

My feelings:

the parent should have mentioned it because they weren't asked. I'm veggie and whenever I get an invitation, I always say I'm veggie because I don't want to sit there with nothing to eat (and I've had that happen before, so one bitten...although on that occasion I did get two puddings )

I think that trying to give a veggie child isn't assault ( to that idea)

I also think that (as I am a veggie), my child being veggie is my choice because to me it's the least damaging. (ie: if I believe that killing animals for meat is wrong, it's better for me not to give my child killed animals to eat, as that's against my principles. If the child decides to eat meat later, when they understand and can decide for themselves, then so be it), so yes, it's the parent's choice, not the child's, but that's how it is for a lot of social and moral decisions.
I wouldn't allow my child to walk everywhere barefoot, I make them wear shoes until they understand the implications of barefoot.
same as I make my child go to school, say please and thank you, refrain from beating other children up, stealing and biting. Do you see? the parent always makes the decision for the child in their best interest until the child is old enough to make those decisions themselves. that way, the child has a moral grounding and understanding.

I'm crap at that kind of thing, I tend to assume all are non-veggies or I invite friends for dinner and completely forget one of them is a veggie ooops...!

My DD was raised veggie until at the age of 4 she decided she wanted to eat meat. Fair enough, her choice. However, it is worth pointing out that the acclimatisation process included several episodes of vomiting and explosive diarrhoea shortly after the offending meal whilst her gut got used to it. Anyone stupid enough to feed a veggie child a big plate of meat on purpose may find themselves or their sofa thrown up on or worse and frankly you would deserve it.