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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that no man will ever truly love me

28 replies

NeverBeenTrulyLoved · 17/07/2012 22:22

because I am very fat and not very pretty. I dress well and am confident. I have been told countless times I am not pretty and my GM told me I was ugly.

I have let myself be used by men just because I craved their attention.I fear I shall always be single. I would love to have a baby. maybe a sperm donor is for me. Time is ticking..

AIBU?

OP posts:
RaisinDEtre · 17/07/2012 22:25
Sad

why not take control of your weight, say FUCK YOU to those who drain you emotionally, don't be a doormat with men

Counselling might help? Boost your self esteem, believe that you are important. Because you are

JumpingThroughHoops · 17/07/2012 22:25

You have to love your self to be loved by others. If you keep projecting such negativity you will drive everyone away.

Serendipity30 · 17/07/2012 22:26

Oh sweetheart someone will, i used to think that , im still single but i learnt to look after my self and built my confidence over time. I did this by going to uni, and going abroad for the first time etc.

The thing is when you have low confidence all the bastards will gravitate to you so focus on building your self up, then think of a relationship Thanks

puds11 · 17/07/2012 22:28

No Never you are not ugly! Bad, nasty, selfish people are ugly. That is the only true uglyness. One day you will find someone who loves you for who you are. If you are worried about your bio clock, then by all means do it solo. Being a parent is so amazing, and is most certainly doable by yourself.

As for your GM she should learn this: If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all.

iago · 17/07/2012 22:32

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I'm not very good at giving advice, but I think you should seek counselling because your self esteem is so low. If you had been my daughter I hope I would have told you every day how lovely and special you were. Don't think about a baby until you feel better about yourself or you could pass your insecurities on.
I know you say say you are confident, but all your comments point the other way. xx

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 22:32

OK if you are at risk of being used by men, why not make a vow not to date or go with any man for a year.

As for your GM, you need to stop seeing her. She is detrimental to your emotional health.

Don't have a baby under those conditions. Please don't. You're worth so much more than that.

What do you enjoy doing? What are you happiest doing?

Original poster
NeverBeenTrulyLoved · 17/07/2012 22:36

I have name changed for this, sorry I forgot to say. I am going to go back into therapy in three weeks time. I am quite low lately. I am 40 soon.

I might take up a hobby. I have to take control of my weight it ryins my life. There ius so much I can do but more things I cannot do that I want to do. Sucj as horse riding, theme parks, jogging etc.

OP posts:
emsyj · 17/07/2012 22:37

Well, so what if you are very fat and not very pretty? There are lots of fat, average looking people who are happily married to people who adore them. The way you look is not the problem here. And anyway, being thin and good-looking doesn't guarantee you a good relationship either - far from it. You need to be happy with yourself, and then someone will want to share your happy life with you.

Have you thought about visiting the GP and asking for a referral for counselling? It isn't healthy to have this low opinion of yourself, to think that nobody will ever love you. You MUST address this before you wake up and find your life has passed you by.

only4tonight · 17/07/2012 22:38

I am very fat and not very pretty. Am married and, I believe, loved.

Really life isn't all about looks. Sometimes it is a case of right time, right place, right person. I am not saying its easy, nor am I saying I am not incredibly lucky. What I am saying is that there is hope for everyone.

Don't make your life about searching for someone else to make you happy. Live your life, be happy. A man/partner is the cherry on the cake not the cake itself.

taxiforme · 17/07/2012 22:46

Hello stylish, confident young woman.

Those are your words. Work on the positives.

You have to remember that you are responsible for how YOU feel and take control of that. You might be told (we all are at some point) that we are fat/frumpy/ugly/thick/useless by a teacher/parent/partner/boss/knobhead at the bus stop/whoever. Its how we turn it around inside that makes us cope or not.

Vow to NOT let any of the GM comments affect you (it says more about them than you).

As for men. Just take it easy- if you feel that what you are agreeing to/doing/being taken for is wrong, stop! Take a breather. Use the confidence and style you have in a positive strong way. As for the weight, try slimming world. I have found it works for me (and no..I am not a consultant or target member or in the with the SW crowd, I find it just works).

Good luck

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 22:50

For those of you who say you are overweight (hate the f word) and married, were you overweight when you met your husband? It's very difficult to meet someone if you need to lose weight, even if the man concerned has a lot to lose himself.

Original poster
NeverBeenTrulyLoved · 17/07/2012 22:52

Thank you for the replies.

My self esteem is low . I was not loved by my Father and after nearly two years of therapy I still feel I cannot get over it. I truly believe I am unlovable and ugly, I do not deserve to be slim. I do not deserve to have what most others seem to have. Connections with other people, a life. My Father seemed to resent my very presence, calling me names everyday and telling me as if fact that I am no good unemployable nutcase, just loathed me. I felt stresed and unwanted as a child, I cannot shake it, I feel pisoned. It is in my head all of the time. I feel it is my fault.All of my fault, I wish I was dead orhadn't been born. I cut contact five years ago. I am not liked by people because of my attitide. I always feel people think I am a fool or not to be taken seriously. I just can't break free. I am tryiing/triedit won't go away. I think my therapsit has issues of her own. She made a simple mistake and it clouded our last session asI feel she is looking down her nose at me because she has chosen to cut herself off from the world, no TV or internet. She doesn't know what Question Time is.

I compare scenes from films, documentaries to try and express what I have identified with and she doesnt know waht the hell I am talking about. It really frustrates me and I think she thinks that peoople who use the TV or net for ebtertainment are a bit thick or not as clkued up about the world as she is.

I think I need a new therapist but I am scared to change as I am loyal which is a whole different story.

I wish a slow and painful death on that Father of mine.

I'm not anice person I have horroible thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverBeenTrulyLoved · 17/07/2012 22:57

I have let people use me and walk all over me since I left home.I isolate myself Iam terrified of being hurt again. I think in away I am better of at home but want a nornal life. i feel so lonely and get jealous of others with a family and friends outings, celebrations. I do not want people to pity me either.i do nough for myself.

OP posts:
LucieMay · 17/07/2012 23:02

Having a baby alone is extremely difficult. You need to be very self sufficient and emotionally resilient. You can only ever rely on yourself and it is very very very hard. Please wait until you are in a much better place emotionally. A baby is not the answer right now. X

medievalgirl · 17/07/2012 23:03

Never, I agree with what most people have said here. And I'm sorry that your father treated you so badly. I just wanted to say don't change therapist unless you really feel it's not working generally. Even if she had a TV, she wouldn't necessarily have watched the same things as you. Are you SURE she's looking down at you? Or could it be your low self-esteem talking? By the way, I'm a clinical psychologist and I don't have a TV... but I don't look down on anyone who does have one.

Original poster
NeverBeenTrulyLoved · 17/07/2012 23:03

I had a baby alone. He is a teenager now. :)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/07/2012 23:08

With regards to being slim and/or pretty...

There are are numerous slim/pretty people with broken marriages and relationships behind them, so please don't think that being slim and pretty is some sort of miracle that's going to automatically lead you to a good relationship or a happy life.

I do think if you work on trying to build your confidence, other things may well fall into place.

Original poster
NeverBeenTrulyLoved · 17/07/2012 23:10

Thank you Worra and everybody whom has replied so far.

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 17/07/2012 23:11

Oh Never things can always change, you will not always feel this way. You have taken some steps in recognising what you want (a normal life) and h0ow you feel (lonely, struggling).

You have identified that you don't think two years of therapy have assisted you in your goal. In that case, finding a new therapist, perhaps with a different approach, might be a good thing for you.

Sometimes it is ok to just be stuck. You have come further than many people ever get to go; you know what you want to address, you have sought assistance in working towards those goals. These are great steps forward. You have come a ways already, don't give up. Sometimes we have to go sideways to go forwards. Consider finding another therapist. It is not disloyal - if this is not working for you, identifying it and changing it is empowered, and any therapist worth their salt would say so.

LucieMay · 17/07/2012 23:15

Ah so you already have a lovely ds and your first smile :-) it sounds trite to say it but focus on your ds and the other good things in your life when you're feeling very bad about yourself. You should be very proud of yourself for having raised ds alone, and if you ever doubt yourself look at the lovely young man you've produced. Being a mother is the most important job in the world and if you've done a good job, on your own, that makes you a fab person Imo. X

Original poster
NeverBeenTrulyLoved · 17/07/2012 23:17

Should I see the therapist for the closing session before I go to the new therapist? I don't want her to put anything in my head, that I should feel guilty for choosing to find somebody new. I am worried about that, very much. I feel I have not got to goal and I won't with him.

OP posts:
FormerlyTitledUntidy · 17/07/2012 23:30

I thought Id never be really loved too. I can remember going with a boy friend to see Love Actually and crying because no one would ever love me madly like in the film.
But dp loves me, and I mean really loves me. I know it, I feel it. I don't need stupid romancey stuff, though when it comes it's nice. He treats me well, and says nice things about me to other people, and never lets anyone say anything bad about me, no matter how true it is.
I'm a good bit fatter than when we met. A good bit fatter than I should be really. But it doesn't matter, he loves me.

So I know that you can find some one, he or she could be out looking for you! Take up a hobby, do new things, don't, whatever you do, read the rules! Just be open and happy and yourself.

This is so sappy, I'm sorry. But I know how badly I used to feel about it.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 17/07/2012 23:31

sorry, I missed a whole load there while I was typing :)

AdoraBell · 18/07/2012 00:25

You say you want to jog but can't, start walking and work up to jogging.
I would also say don't have a child while your self esteem is low. Complete your therapy and avoid the GM, you don't need people like that in your life. Also avoid men until you are in a better place yourself. I was deliberatly single for 6 years in my 20's . Okay I was yunger then, but I'm now mid 40's and can confirm that turning 40 doesn't mean life is over.

Make a point of being kind to yourself, you are a better person than those who raised you to belive you were not pretty. True beauty comes from with in, as does true uglyness. It's in the way we treat people.

Krumbum · 18/07/2012 00:36

Don't be silly. Lots of people have different tastes, there is definately somebody out there that would like you and you would like. Maybe try Internet dating? Are you happy being single or do you want a relationship? Your gm is a meanie, ask her why she feels the need to be so rude.
I think posters saying you should lose weight are stupid. There are people that don't care about size. Not everyone likes women thin.