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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think they should have phoned me?

28 replies

Puffinsaresmall · 17/07/2012 21:09

There was an incident at dd's school about 2 months ago where two children held her down and a 3rd kicked a ball in her face. She is 7, as are they. The one child who held her down told the other 2 to, respectively, hold her down/kick the ball.

I found out from dd not the school, which annoyed me, but my question is, bearing in mind I 'know' the parents of the children that did this (it's a very small school) AIBU to expect that when they found out they should have phoned me?

I 'know' them in the sense that we've attended parties together for 6 years, seen each other at plays/school fetes, would always stop and have a chat at pick ups/drop offs. Wouldn't go out socially together unless it was part of a larger group, so acquaintances rather than friends (although we are fb friends Grin ).

I didn't know that the parents knew anything about it at all, but found out last night through mutual friends that they do know. I was really shocked that they didn't phone me to say 'Heard xxxx did this, really sorry, please be assured they'll be punished' kind of thing. I would have done this if situation reversed. I asked our mutual friends last night what they thought and they said they probably wouldn't have phoned, so AIBU?

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 17/07/2012 21:14

I'd pull the parents up about it. In the pklayground, not bolshy or confrontational, but along the lines of 'I'm aware this happend and i'm obv a bit upset.. has your -d- c explained why they did this?'

Then I would be onto the school head askinh for a copy of their complaint procedure to ask why the fuck they didn't tell you and what they have done to adress the issue as that is not acceptable behaviour, esp from a 7 yeasr old. If no adequate response from head, go via governors and then to LEA.

Migsy1 · 17/07/2012 21:15

Ask the school what happened first.

rhondajean · 17/07/2012 21:19

Many years ago there was some unacceptable behaviour among the girls in dd1 s class. She was involved but rather than phone the parent of the girl (it wasn't physical) I phoned the school to find out the level or her involvement and explain our approach.

I did debate phoning the mother but on reflection I felt it would have made things worse and teh right thing to do was suitably punish dd1 and help her move on.

Original poster
Puffinsaresmall · 17/07/2012 21:21

Joyce - i am definitely fucked off with the school, as soon as dd told us we went in the next morning and spoke to teacher. She (the teacher) knew of the ball in face but not the holding down. The child who kicked the ball in face was disciplined at the time by the school. We 'let it go' because in the same week the school discussed with us that they though dd was on the spectrum so everything but that, was pushed aside.

Migsy - I know what happened, it was 2 months ago, sorry i probably didn't make that clear Smile

I suppose my question really is, as parents, if your child did the 'bad' thing, would you ring up the other parent to talk or not? I thought everyone would say yes, but my friends last night have made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/07/2012 21:21

No I wouldn't expect them to phone

But I would expect them to mention it the next time they see you

LingDiLong · 17/07/2012 21:21

I honestly don't know. Do they really know that it was your DD? Or did the school keep her name out of it when they informed them? Do they have the same version of events as you? From your side it sounds like a vicious, premediated incident but that might not be how the school (and their children) presented it to them.

Plus, they may feel it's easier or more appropriate to let the school deal with it in case it turns into an argument amongst the parents.

Original poster
Puffinsaresmall · 17/07/2012 21:22

Rhonda - that's what my teacher friend last night said, she'd deal with it through the school. I think I just thought because we knew each other they'd pick up the phone. Interesting.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 17/07/2012 21:23

I should probably add that when I spoke to the school I discovered dd1 had been involved but only marginally and had owned up to everything immediately. If she had been a ringleader I think I would have made her write a sorry letter to the girl and her mum.

I still wouldn't have phoned, I am a wimp and wouldn't have known what to say. Sad

rhondajean · 17/07/2012 21:25

Puffins - the mother of the victim phoned the mother of one of the ringleaders. It led to am almighty row. The class became divided to the point that threes years later when they left primary there had to be two separate leaving parties so the mothers didn't have to deal with each other. It was very awkward for the rest of us.

Original poster
Puffinsaresmall · 17/07/2012 21:26

Worra - I thought that too, but have seen both since to talk to and neither mentioned it. I didn't know till last night that they knew.

Ling - good point, school could have said it was an accident I suppose, or light hearted play perhaps.

A mutual friend saw the one mother the day it happened and she said (in passing) 'Have you heard what my dd has done? I'm going to bloody kill her!' (nice). So I think they must know it was bad.

Good to see different view points, I thought it was very clear cut, but I can see now that its not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsaresmall · 17/07/2012 21:28

Rhonda - something very similar has just happened at ours. One mother found out that a child in the class was being 'inappropriate' at sleep overs. She told the mother of a child who often goes to these sleepovers (as she and this mother are friends). That mother then told the 'inappropriate' child's mother what had been said (are you keeping up????!) and she is now not speaking to first mother. Very unpleasant at parties etc.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 17/07/2012 21:31

Yes I kept up!

I don't know if my story helps you see why some wouldn't phone - but it doesn't mean they aren't dealing with it. From the sound of "I'm going to kill her" it does sound like they have taken it seriously. Although if the school weren't aware of teh two girls holding her down, their parents obviously won't have been informed.

UserNameNotAvailable · 17/07/2012 21:35

I agree with Worra.

I don't have any parents number and they don't have mine so I wouldn't expect a phone call but I would expect them to say something at drop off/pick up or if I saw them out and about.

I think that if after a couple of days of the incident and there was no sign of them acknowledging what happened I would have asked if they knew about it and let the conversation (and apology!) go from there.

If I was the parent of the bully I would be mortified and go batshit crazy at my dc and I would make sure I spoke to the parent to let them know that dc would be punished.

Original poster
Puffinsaresmall · 17/07/2012 21:35

your story does help thank you Smile I was very cross, now I'm more 'ahh I see, fair enough' so thank you Thanks

OP posts:
StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 17/07/2012 21:36

Ds (5yo) went through a short phase a few weeks ago of hurting other children. We have a school year facebook group and I put a huge apology on there letting the parents know that he was being dealt with appropriately. If I'd had their numbers I would have text/rang them. I also made ds apologise to his teacher his ta and each of the children in front of me too. So if I were the parent of the aggressor I would def try and contact the parent of the victim.

Similarly to you when ds was at pre-school 3 children took it in turns to hold him down and kick him in the face. When the worker told me she didn't name names (obv ds did later) and told me that the children had been punished and were remorseful so the preschool would not be telling their parents. Hmm I blew my top and told them if they did not inform the parents then I would. If it were my child I would want to know!!

rhondajean · 17/07/2012 21:38

Glad it helped. I really hope it's a one off. My daughter and the "victim" un her story became best friends!

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 21:44

If I had been in their shoes I would have apologeised on my childs behalf and told you that I would do everything I can to support the school and iron out any such behaviour. I would say that the behaviour isn't acceptable

holyfishnets · 17/07/2012 21:45

I would also tell the school that you expect to be told when such things happen.

treas · 17/07/2012 21:49

Incidents in school should be dealt with via the school.

An incident outside school i would expect the parents to talk to you directly.

busyboysmum · 17/07/2012 21:54

A similar thing happened to ds2 also 7. When we found out dh tackled the mother of the child in question who knew nothing about it as the school hadn't told her. She made her son write a note of apology to our son and we talked a lot about it, the boy hasn't been mean to our son again. However, the mother now blanks us for some reason.

Original poster
Puffinsaresmall · 17/07/2012 22:00

It all sounds like a minefield, think I should be counting my lucky stars they didn't phone me! Grin

OP posts:
msrantsalot · 17/07/2012 22:03

I don't think I would have phoned you Op, I would have suitably punished my child and told her to say sorry to your child, especially if my child was one of the ones being "told" to hold down your child, cos she may have been as scared of the ringleader as your child was. I probably would have approached you in the school playground though to tell you my child's side as it were and to let you know I had told DD was not acceptable behaviour.

whojamaflip · 17/07/2012 22:04

I had this with ds2 who decided to kick a boy in the year above and grabbed his fingers and bent them back. He really hurt him and school knew what happened and dealt with it appropriately. I wasn't told by the school but ds1 little sneak told on his brother. (I checked with school and he had been made to apologise to the child he hurt in front of the class)

I was mortified and happened to see the mother of the child he hurt at swimming the next day. I apologised - she knew nothing about it either but there were no hard feelings. And we've remained friends Smile

LinaLamont · 17/07/2012 22:08

I phoned the mother of a girl who behaved extremely badly towards my dd. if they were adults and this happened, it could have meant prison. I was extremely fair about it. She cried, apologogised and hasn't spoken to me since. She even sends her kids to the breakfast and after school club to avoid me. She doesn't work so there's no reason to send them otherwise. I have texted her several times to suggest we meet to clear the air but she ignores me. We were quite friendly beforehand. It's really awkward.
So, now I'd never deal with another parent and leave the school to deal with it.

mrseffington · 17/07/2012 22:09

In my experience, schools are quite careful not to name other children in incidents such as this. So when DD was bitten in reception we were told what action had been taken but not the identity of the biter. DS was attacked / beaten last week at school - again, we were categorically not told by the school the names of the perpetrators. DS of course told us but the school wouldn't.

So whilst the parents of these children will have been told what happened they won't necessarily know who else was involved.

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