Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think this was very rude of my 5yo?

40 replies

wanttomakeadifference · 17/07/2012 17:05

DD has spent the day with his grandpa today, along with his 9 year old cousin. They have had a lovely day- they have called me a couple of times and sounded really happy.

They called in to see me at work and my father overheard DD say, "I wish today was a Daddy Day" (this is what she calls days when DP looks after her all day).

My Dad looked really hurt, he has treated them to a film today and a trip to the park where (from the look of his photos) they had a super time. I think he hoped thay had really enjoyed themselves.

I realise DD was just being honest, and it is natural to want to spend time with Daddy (she had a whole day with him yesterday), but this seems like a rude and hurtful thing for her to say.

AIBU to think she old enough to understand that this is an unkind thing to say? Or should I let it go?

OP posts:

HecateHarshPants · 17/07/2012 17:07

No. You should have a chat with her.

5 is certainly old enough to understand that you can hurt people's feelings.

Imnotaslimjim · 17/07/2012 17:07

I don't think she's old enough to understand TBH. I think she was just being a truthful 5YO. It won't have been anything against your dad, more that she wished she was seeing her dad again. Tell your dad not to worry about it

FutTheShuckUp · 17/07/2012 17:07

She's probably missing her Dad. She's five- cut her some slack

Original poster

wanttomakeadifference · 17/07/2012 17:09

Thank you, I thought so. Im not sure how to explain as when I tried earlier she looked completely confused. I'll try to keep it simple.

I should clarify that she did say it when she knew my Dad could hear- it wasn't that she didn't realise that he was in earshot.

OP posts:

Original poster

wanttomakeadifference · 17/07/2012 17:10

She does see her Dad every day- we haven't split up or anything......

OP posts:

pictish · 17/07/2012 17:13

Yes, I think you should explain in layman's terms, how it was rude for her to dismiss your father's efforsts like that. She would not have meant any maliciousness by it at all, I know, but it is never to early to impress manners on our kids.
Yanbu.

waterlego6064 · 17/07/2012 17:21

I think all 5 year olds are prone to saying things like this but I agree with those who say she's not too young to understand conversations about hurting people's feelings. You could explain the efforts your Dad went to to ensure they had a good time, and that he really enjoyed having them. Maybe she could speak to him on the phone or make him a little card to say thank you for the day out?

FutTheShuckUp · 17/07/2012 17:22

Oh I do apologise I thought you meant when he looks after her I.e custody
I would explain it is ungrateful but lovely she wants to be with her Daddy so much and that other people love spending time with her and put themselves out for her

Original poster

wanttomakeadifference · 17/07/2012 17:26

fut, no problem. I realise that my OP did suggest that was the case as I talked about a 'daddy day'.

Water the card idea is a good one. DD isn't great on the phone for eome reason, which could make the problem worse .

OP posts:

Callisto · 17/07/2012 17:27

My DD would certainly have understood at age 5 that this is a hurtful thing to say. Why on earth wouldn't a 5yo (or 4yo for that matter) not understand?

Op, definitely sit down and explain to your DD that this has made your father sad and why.

RedHotPokers · 17/07/2012 17:32

It's not worth a telling off, as she's still on the cusp of the whole 'honest truth' thing, but it IS worth explaining that some comments hurt people's feelings.

FoxyRoxy · 17/07/2012 17:53

Maybe she meant she wished daddy did what your dad had done with her? Like on a usual "daddy day" they just go to the park or whatever but what she did with grandad was much more fun.

That's the way I interpreted it anyway!

Mama1980 · 17/07/2012 18:02

My ds is 4 and he can certainly understand when he has been rude or said something hurtful. Good manners are very important and I would have pulled him up on this.

QuickLookBusy · 17/07/2012 18:12

Some 5 year olds would understand it is rude, some would not.

I'm sure she didn't say it to deliberately hurt your dad, so I would make the assumption she doesn't understand it's rude.

Just have a chat and explain that it is not a kind thing to say.

princessclaradoll · 17/07/2012 18:39

Try making it relatable to her.

Ask her if she had played with friendA all day and had a great time and then friendA said i wish i had played with friendB today, how would this make your dd feel?

Might help?

letseatgrandma · 17/07/2012 20:59

DD has spent the day with his grandpa today, along with his 9 year old cousin.

Whose grandpa? Is your child a boy or do you mean your DD spent the day with your DH's grandpa?

I'm confused!

whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 21:02

While 5 year olds do have understanding I think it is still quite young and they struggle to always control what comes out of their mouth.

I would just have a word with your dd about hurting peoples feelings and being grateful and perhaps get her to ring your dad to say a big thank you for the day out.

RichTeas · 17/07/2012 21:03

It's just 5 YO stream of consciousness talking. No rudeness. You could explain other people's feelings to her in a light way.

whosgotmyhairytoe · 17/07/2012 21:06

*Maybe she meant she wished daddy did what your dad had done with her? Like on a usual "daddy day" they just go to the park or whatever but what she did with grandad was much more fun.

That's the way I interpreted it anyway!*

I'd agree with that also, sometimes kids say things quite literal or in the wrong way and we misinterpret what they mean.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 17/07/2012 21:09

I don't think she meant to be rude, but it's a good time to start talking to her about this kind of thing.

My DD likes to sit down to her dinner and immediately tell me it's disgusting (even when it's stuff she knows she likes!) so we are having the 'be polite' coversation daily!

rhondajean · 17/07/2012 21:14

I think it was more an expression of missing her daddy than not wanting to be with her grandad.

I agree about a gentle conversation about how we can hurt other peoples feelings but I honestly don't think a five year old has the emotional capacity to be rude deliberately in that way.

NoWayNoHow · 17/07/2012 21:23

Whether she's old enough to fully understand that what she said was quite rude isn't really relevant. You don't really stop disciplining because she doesn't get the full meaning, just like you don't wait until children have a full concept of the world and the way it works before you start to encourage good behaviour.

DS is only 4, but I will reprimand him if he says or does something mean to another child/adult. E.g. he jokingly told another child to shut up at preschool the other day. He was sat out and given a stern talking to about how that is rude and you don't say it.

All your DD needs to hear is, "Grandpa loves spending time with, and it makes him very sad when you say you don't want to be with him and want to be somewhere else.". No big deal.

LingDiLong · 17/07/2012 21:36

I don't think it was rude at all actually and I'm really suprised your Dad was hurt by it. She was basically saying she wished she could spend some time with her Dad. How does that reflect in any way at all on the day she spent with her Grandfather? It simply means she enjoys a close relationship with her father.

I'm not surprised she's confused to be honest, I think the adults around her are reading way too much into what she said. For example, NoWay has read into it that your DD said she 'didn't want to be with him and wanted to be somewhere else'. No she didn't!

I would actually just seperate the two things. If your father feels a bit unappreciated I would get your DD to make a Thank You card and talk to her about how kind it was for her grandfather to spoil her for the day. Make sure she appreciates it when the adults in her life make a big effort for her. I don't see that she has anything to apologise for though.

rhondajean · 17/07/2012 21:36

She didn't say that though noway! The poor kid only said she wished she was with her daddy. I think it's important to hear what they are actually saying and not impose our adult norms on to it.

NoWayNoHow · 17/07/2012 22:06

Sorry, but she said EXACTLY that. "I wish today was a Daddy Day" is what she said. That's very clearly saying that wants to be with her father, not her grandfather. And this wasn't at the beginning of the day, but was after her grandfather has clearly put a lot of effort in to making a lovely day. I can understand why that would come across hurtful.

Is it not important to teach children that words can hurt even when the intention isn't to hurt?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread