To think my mil is posion!!

[Crazyfatmamma]

Sorry long!!
Hi all bit of back ground I have been with my husband for over 10 years and have 2 small children, a ds whos 5 and a dd whos 3. My husbands parents had him very late in life after being told they couldnt have children. They have doted on him all his life.

I have had issues with my mil in the past she has been quite cruel and manipulative and has said some spiteful, twisted things to me. She made it clear she wasnt happy about us having children although she now clearly loves my children ds in particular as he is the image of his dad. Throughout the years we have tolerated each other and I have tried very hard to get along with her for my husbands sake.

Things recently changed when we announced we were finally getting married, she clearly wasnt happy about this but very generously gave us 2 grand towards it which we didnt expect and were very grateful for.

As the wedding date approached she became very on edge and wound up over it after a petty argument between me and ds over something silly she took him to one side and said she didnt think we should get married as her and here husband have NEVER argued in their 55 years of marriage (this I know not to be true!!)

Anyway fast forward to the day and she turned up late, I had to wait in the car for her outside the church, wearing no make up, her hair scraggly and in a 15 year old faded black funeral dress.

She didnt talk to me all day, was reluctant to be in the photos, gave me evil looks through out the speech (other people there informed me of this) Left very early ( before 5) without the bouquet of flowers we presented to her as a thank you and didnt even say goodbye.

This upset my husband who later confronted her about her behaviour she had many excuses for it ( he fell for a lot of them) but as far as I was concerned the matter was resolved.

I later sent out some thank you cards to the guests and I genuinally couldnt think of anything apart from the money to thank them for on the day, I wrote in the end,

Thank you so much for your very generous gift, it went a long way to making our day so special, it was lovely to see you there, thanks for making the effort to attend.

She later rung my husband is tears telling him the note was horrible and he had a go at me before reading it himself- I later made him ring his mum and get her to read out the letter which she did and he thought it was absolutely fine and said he wouldnt have been able to add anything else himself. She then backtracked and said she didnt have a problem with the note!!!

I am sick of her constantly trying and succeeding in causing trouble between us and I am at a loss on what to do- Any advice would be more than welcome.

I don't think it's so much about trying to drive a wedge between you, as her wanting to be her son's number one. She would have been this way no matter who he'd married.
She childishly resents being usurped by you.

There is nothing you can do to make her see sense and behave....but heed this....so long as you always treat her with kindness and decency, no-one can ever accuse you of joining in with, or reacting to her nonsense.

This is her problem...don't make it yours as well. Rise above.

I would stay away from her tbh. If dh wants to see her or take the dc to see her, he can do so without you having to be there. Your dh should be sticking up for you and not allowing you to be treated badly by his family.

I wouldn't have forgiven her after the wedding incident, you have been more than reasonable so far.

She sounds mental but she also sounds quite elderly so I would try and give her a break. YANBU but best to keep the moral high ground - which you definitely did with the wedding and note!

unbelievable.

I wish MiLS dh would help in these situs, all the onus is put on DIL Dh to stand up for her - which is totally correct and true as its his family but at the same time, come on FIL help to get a grip on your wives!

Its sheer uncontrolled jealousy.
There is nothing you can do, how she thinks you get married will change things after 10 years and two children is beyond me.
She just has to adjust to it - which will take years and will probably never happen to a degree that means happiness sadly!

I always tried to treat my MIl with kindness, never spoke out - smiled etc but I was accused of all sorts of mad things.
I dont care anymore, I cant, if she ever comes at me again there will be retaliation.
The only thing I can suggest for you - is relate, in terms of helping your DH to see its a problem in your marriage - and how to be a stronger couple and put up boundaries etc.

After years of letting myself get wound up I now treat mil with unconditional indifference which is by far the best weapon as her childish behaviour gets no attention and she can sit stewing in her own bitter juices!

Oh and I remain perfectly polite so there is no room for anyone to suggest I am the one being mean.

In future I suggest your duh is responsible for any thank notes or cards etc then you can't be blamed for getting it wrong.

Your dh not your duh!

Man she sounds like a nightmare, but its just because she will be feeling a wee bit useless. Maybe try and give her more of a responsible role with your DC's to help her feel worthwhile.

There is nothing you can do to make her see sense and behave....but heed this....so long as you always treat her with kindness and decency, no-one can ever accuse you of joining in with, or reacting to her nonsense

just this really she sounds over dramatic my MIl was like this well not the funeral dress but OTT with doting on her sons dont rise to her be nice to her and dont let it get to you,

Sounds like MiL....thank-goodness mine is on the other side of the world and I NEVER have to see or talk to her.

It's just like she doesn't exist and that is how I like it.

she sounds like a poisonous cow and YANBU but I have to say, I was a bit about your note - 'thanks for making the effort to attend' is something you would say to a work colleague, not the Mother of the Groom. I think any MIL would be offended at receiving that note. It was probably unintentional, but it comes across rather passive-aggressive, especially given she clearly didn't go to any effort with her attire...

I think suggesting that the dementia must be setting in early might be a good way to save your sanity; or you could try the usual MN classic response of looking very surprised whenever she says something out of order "Did you mean to sound so rude?"

I think she is a very sad bitter woman who can't bear the idea of her son putting someone before her - very hard to deal with unless you have the full support of your DH, and it doesn't sound as though you quite do. He needs to take the bull by the horns and sort this out once and for all really.

You "waited in the car" at your own wedding, because she was late? um, why?
I wouldn't have, and I'd probably have commented on the state of her too - I'd have cried "oh my GOD what happened MiL? were you mugged? look at you, you poor thing, did you fall?" and drawn everyone's attention to her but I am an evil cow and have never given a shit for my MiLs opinion (talking about my first MiL now, she was a grade A bitch and a half.)

He had a go at you before reading the note? Don't you think that's wrong? Automatic siding with mummy without stopping to think, or wanting further information, or even thinking the best of you, his wife. No, mummy calls and you're the bad guy.

This is a problem.

Your husband needs to be the one to deal with mummy dearest. There is something a little bit creepy about a mother who wants to be number one. It's a different type of relationship. They can't compete and they shouldn't try to.

You have to be able to let your children go. And if she can't, then it falls to your husband to make her.

Oh God I could have written most of your opening post crazy. I am in the middle of the fall out after DH challenged his mother on her behaviour at our wedding. Needless to say it has been turned round on me. I am too sensitive, no malice was intended, can't understand where it has come from blah, blah.

While I know that she deserved to be called out on her behaviour I don't feel like it has improved the situation at all. I know that my name is now mud, I will forever feel awkward at any family gatherings and I feel doubly aggrieved that somehow I am paying again for MIL's bad manners. I almost wish that we had left it and I had just carried round the anger and hurt in private.

I can identify with what you say about it driving a wedge between you and your DH. Same here. I am struggling with him making excuses for her and refusing to accept that she intended to be hurtful. Ironically getting married has turned into one of the lowest points in our long relationship.

I don't have any advice so will just say that after weeks of stewing on this I have accepted that I have been painted into a corner. I didn't want it to be like this and, like you, have spent years smiling and trying to get along with MIL despite the fact that I find her quite a difficult character and very overbearing.
It was her choice to be so unpleasant at our wedding, it has been her choice to subsequently accept no responsibility for her behaviour (most decent people, even if they truly believed that they had done nothing wrong, would say something like I'm sorry that you were upset, I didn't intend it), it has been her choice to be defensive & confrontational and try to turn things back around on me. I feel like I have no choice now but to keep her very much at arms length. I won't be visiting, or haranguing DH into buying birthday cards, presents, telephoning etc.. If she visits here I may decide to see her if it suits me but I won't be cooking or baking cakes any more. I won't be putting up with any more barbed comments or letting her make me feel small. She does not deserve any more power over me, and neither does your MIL over you.

I also am determined that she will not come between me and my DH any more because that gives her way more influence than she deserves. The ultimate poke in the eye is to have a happy & strong relationship with DH. Put simply she deserves no more "air time" in this house.

I think the biggest problem here is that your mil phoned up to be irrational and accusatory and your husband didn't stop to get the facts first before he took her side.

"He had a go at you before reading the note? Don't you think that's wrong? Automatic siding with mummy without stopping to think, or wanting further information, or even thinking the best of you, his wife. No, mummy calls and you're the bad guy.

This is a problem."

Couldn't agree more.

I feel your pain op, my pil are poisonous too
The thing is, your dh is siding with her which is even worse.
She sounds totally toxic & me, me rather much like my self indulged pil

She sounds awful!

I think communicating with your new DH (congrats by the way ) is the only way forward. She is his mother and he loves her. Fighting with her will only cause him pain and resentment towards you.

Try to explain to him how she makes you feel and why you think she's doing it. Try to get on the same page together in dealing with this. Maybe he needs to have a conversation with his mum to reassure her about their relationship. Maybe DH does need to rope FIL in. Keep being polite and civil.

HTH

Your husband sounds like a spineless mummys boy.

Having a go before he even knew what the note said?

Unless her behaviour dramatically improved she would be having fuck all to do with me or my dc.

She does sound like a pain in the ass who is pathetically mourning the 'loss' of her son to you. But, TBH your thank you note does sound a bit crap and something you'd send to an acquaintance rather than a member of the family.

i agree note - thaks for making effort sounds cold and a bit off....but its like her behaviour warranted nothing less really....if she had any grace she could have just accepted it and kept quiet - knowing she was out of order.

i would love a phsycologist to tell us what this is called when mILs have this strnage almost sexual - attitude to DS's!

namechangeparanoia

I too have adopted your stance I too will take no crap from now on, however you do realise they will say you are now breaking him up from his family! since I met DH I always prompted him to make calls - see people, go that extra distance on mothers day etc BUT I realise now I created a false environment they really did think all that was coming from him, and now I have stopped making the effort - they think its me stopping him from making it! They are that stupid that they couldnt see the difference before and after he met me!

by the way OP - if my DH sided with PILS I can tell you we would now be seperated.

eliza, that would be a Jocasta complex (Jocasta was Oedipus's mother, who married him).

YANBU

However, having read your OP again I guess your MiL is in her mid/late 70s. Is it possible that she is starting to get a bit confused about stuff generally? The aggressive tone maybe because she is actually not fully understanding what is going on around her.

It doesnt make it all better but might go some way to explain things?