to expect a bit of mess/clutter in a house that has children living there?

[PoppyWearer]

I'm a SAHM, DH works long hours in a very high-pressure environment. We have two DCs aged 4yo and 11mo.

I have a very rigid weekly routine (strong Aspergers tendencies!) and Monday is normally my day for tidying up the house after the weekend, doing the food shop and generally getting everything sorted out for the week.

Today, I decided not to do that. DC1 starts school in September and I decided we'd have a day out instead, just us, before the school holidays began (and everywhere around here gets busy). Carpe diem and all that. I had childcare for DC2.

DC1 and I had a lovely day out, in spite of the weather. Lots of laughter. One that I will possibly remember on my death bed. We got home just in time to collect DC2 and have tea, then bath/bed.

DH has rained on my parade. . He came home and was horrified at the state of the house. Ok, it was a bit messy, toys not put away and so on, but honestly it's never that bad (did I mention I have Aspie tendencies? Well, it wasn't bad enough for me to be upset by it, I was just a bit twitchy!) and it is clean. But he complained about it, had a go at DC1 about it before bed time, and got into a grump about all of the "clutter" (toys and DC1's bits and pieces).

I've been to play at lots of friends' houses with children and ours is about average, possibly tidier as we actually have less toys than most and a dedicated playroom. We don't buy that many toys, just odds and ends I find in the charity shop.

Our house is, I will admit, a bit more cluttered than normal as there are the piles of laundry on the landing that I didn't get done today (I will go balls-out to do them tomorrow) and also boxes of things for upcoming birthday parties and a family do which are piled up in the house, nowhere else to store them.

AIBU to think that a) a bit of clutter/mess is to be expected with children, especially young ones, and that b) DH should shut the f* up about it (which is what I told him to do, BTW)

I'm not leaving the bastard, BTW, just venting!

P.S. Sorry if I post and run. Am exhausted after the day out today, need to sleep but needed to get this vented first!

I think he was jealous!

YANBU

Presumably your dh gets days off from his usual job?

If so, then why shouldn't you get to take a day out from the usual routine?

YANBU.

Yanbu.

Oh FGS, tell grumpy trousers to bloody well do it himself if he doesn't like it.

Honestly you are not the family skivvy. He has hands - tell him to use them if he wants a pristine house.

YANBU. If the sun is shining we go out and I truly do not give a second thought to the house . DS will only be 3 once....

You did right.

You did the right thing. Ignore your dh. If it bother him that much, he could tidy up the clutter himself.

I agree that he was probably jealous - no excuse for being mean to son though

If you have asperger tendencies and decided on a spontaneous day out with your DS before he starts school I think your DH should be happy you broke your routine for your child!

YADNBU

Saw this American poem in a book when my DD's were tiny. I used to bear it in mind when DH, my OCD Mum etc complained about the housework...

Mother, O' Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth.
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek - peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo.
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

He has threatened to tidy up himself...by which he means black bin bag, off to the tip. I am horrified by that idea, not least because a) DC1 is very attached to "stuff" and b) I remember my own Mum taking some of my beloved toys to the jumble sale at that age and I cried about it for weeks.

DH comes from a background of plenty, mine was the opposite. MIL is painfully clean/tidy, had "help" when he was growing up, so I suppose his preference for tidiness comes from that. Not that it stops him using our bedroom floor as his wardrobe.

Nice to have the support so far, thank you!

I like that, BeingFluffy. I also like "Dust if you Must" which I saw on a thread some time ago...will try to find it to copy here.

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

I need to sleep now!

That poem made me cry a little bit

It's so true isn't it. Babies don't keep, but the housework will always be there.

YADNBU. That is all. (Glad you had a lovely day .)

Oh god and yours Poppy.

I am a blubbering wreck of a woman tonight

Good for you. Your DC won't remember the mess but will remember the fun of a day out with you. You are a mum not a general skivvy.

As others have already said if you DH doesn't like it then he can always tidy up himself.

Please feel free to send your DH round here. He'll never moan again. (My house is neither clean or tidy and DH, me and the DDs all have too much stuff!)

Anyway, tidy houses make me nervous, tidy houses with DCs are just wrong.

Yanbu. Life's too short to spend it cleaning. Although to prevent further meltdowns from your dh i'd suggest texting him to set expectations -

"fantastic day out, lots of lovely news to share, house a bit messy, oy vey!"

You poor thing.

I hate this too, and have rowed with my husband for swanning in and finding fault with the cleanliness/tidiness of the house.

For me it felt like he didn't respect me enough to assume that I had spent the day appropriately. We have three boys under six and sometimes potty-training/ teaching them to play sweetly together/ cooking/ scooting in the park has to take precedence over cleaning.

He's recently spent a day looking after them all himself. We haven't had any of these arguments since!

Talk to him when you're feeling calm and tell him you have got your priorities in order. Hopefully he'll realise his initial knee-jerk reaction on coming home was an unreasonable one.

yadnbu, and he sounds like a bit of a bully threatening to chuck stuff out just because you let the house get in a mess.

IMO a tidy house is the sign of a broken computer.

I exho others. Send him aroiund here for a week. He'll have kittens. Things stay lying on the floor for days. There is always stuff piled on the landing, stairs, table.... need I go on!

See I was the opposite I was really tidy until I mer my oh he taught me how to not care about mess. There's been a pile of folded washing on the arm of the chair for 3 days. The only thing I absolutely have to do is make beds when we get out of them.