to expect a bit of mess/clutter in a house that has children living there?

[PoppyWearer]

I'm a SAHM, DH works long hours in a very high-pressure environment. We have two DCs aged 4yo and 11mo.

I have a very rigid weekly routine (strong Aspergers tendencies!) and Monday is normally my day for tidying up the house after the weekend, doing the food shop and generally getting everything sorted out for the week.

Today, I decided not to do that. DC1 starts school in September and I decided we'd have a day out instead, just us, before the school holidays began (and everywhere around here gets busy). Carpe diem and all that. I had childcare for DC2.

DC1 and I had a lovely day out, in spite of the weather. Lots of laughter. One that I will possibly remember on my death bed. We got home just in time to collect DC2 and have tea, then bath/bed.

DH has rained on my parade. . He came home and was horrified at the state of the house. Ok, it was a bit messy, toys not put away and so on, but honestly it's never that bad (did I mention I have Aspie tendencies? Well, it wasn't bad enough for me to be upset by it, I was just a bit twitchy!) and it is clean. But he complained about it, had a go at DC1 about it before bed time, and got into a grump about all of the "clutter" (toys and DC1's bits and pieces).

I've been to play at lots of friends' houses with children and ours is about average, possibly tidier as we actually have less toys than most and a dedicated playroom. We don't buy that many toys, just odds and ends I find in the charity shop.

Our house is, I will admit, a bit more cluttered than normal as there are the piles of laundry on the landing that I didn't get done today (I will go balls-out to do them tomorrow) and also boxes of things for upcoming birthday parties and a family do which are piled up in the house, nowhere else to store them.

AIBU to think that a) a bit of clutter/mess is to be expected with children, especially young ones, and that b) DH should shut the f* up about it (which is what I told him to do, BTW)

I'm not leaving the bastard, BTW, just venting!

Leave the Bastard!
( Someone had to say it!)

DH works long hours in a very high-pressure environment

Not dissimilar to being a SAHM with 2 under 5 then...

If he starts throwing things away then you have a very simple way to clear up all his junk

Seriously this is completely out of order. Have you ever left the DC with him for a whole day (you must ensure the TV and laptop are unavailable) and seeing just how neat and tidy he manages to keep it ? If not he needs to do this - on a Monday when the house is in the usual state that you would be dealing with on a Monday.

BeingFluffy - I LOVE that poem, have tears in my eyes, nope, scratch that, they are running down my cheeks.

PoppyWearer - your DH he sounds like he was in a very special place today. Next time he does that, put him in the naughty corner!

He sounds like an arse. Sorry.

I agree, he sounds like an arse. And a bit of a bully.

Your priorities are spot on OP. You sound a bit cowed to me tho. Lots of assurances that you'll get back to ' normal' as if your (brilliant) behaviour was an aberration. I recognise the feeling all too well. Stick with your instincts and explain to DH how happy DD was. YADNBU.

Another one traumatised by a parent doing the 'bin-bag' job on me. Tbh, following that I developed slight 'hoarder' tendencies, shoving pictures and things down the back of wardrobes etc to hide them and 'keep them safe'. I don't recommend that approach. If your DH is that bothered, he shouldn't bandy about stupid threats, he should fork out for a cleaner.

My DH once complained about the state of the house and something along the lines of he shouldn't have to tidy it up as he isn't in the house all day to make the mess - as I pointed out to him at the time, he helped make the children that make the mess so unless that rule cuts both ways and he's fine for me to just tidy up the mess I make and leave the rest, he mucks in.

As you say, the days you remember aren't the ones you spent cleaning. They won't be the days your DS remembers either. You wouldn't expect a childminder to clean your house whilst caring for your child, would you?

good for you spending the day with your son. housework should be a joint job and not just yours alone. agree wih others saying you should leave him with the children one day and expect the house to be tidy to. see how far he gets

HISBU, Y are NOT!

Poppy, you are most definitely not BU.

What you did with your 4 yo DC is such a lovely, precious thing. It's so important to carve out a little time to spend alone with each child - I know my 4 yo DD1's behaviour is always far better when I manage to do it.

Your H is being a total arse about it.

Just wanted to add this wee poem, hope I've got it right!

I hope my children look back on today
And see a mother who had time to play
With years of cleaning and years of cooking
Children grow up while you're not looking
So settle down cobwebs, just go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep

Just print all these out and hand them to him!

I have just become a sahm and am very lucky to have a very supportive and helpful husband. He thinks as we both work all day we should then split the tasks during the evening/ weekends/holidays, otherwise, as pp said, he gets to knock off after work and I don't which isn't fair. I expect a house with children to be clean as in hygienic but certainly messy. YANBU but he is.

Have just had the time to scan the thread, but my 4 yo DD said the other day that she couldn't play because she would make a mess & daddy would get cross. Sympathies OP.

I've never given my DH high expectations. When I tidy, it gets noticed, rather than the other way round.

He does his fair share around the house, but I'm the one who gets the brownie points for the intermittent very thorough clean up.

Aaarrgh, I'm welling up!

There's a bloody huge cobweb right next to the computer so I can't be too precious ... seriously OP, he needs to either get a grip or a cleaner ( or get over himself and give you a hand )